The Magical Match

by E. D. Baker

Scoota laughed. “This isn’t anyone’s home. This is the female enclave. We use it when we’re preparing for weddings. It’s set aside specifically for females to hold ceremonies, retreats, and anything else from which the males are excluded. You’ll never see any males past that door where they left you. They think we do awful things in here, but we really don’t. As long as the males believe it, though, they’ll leave us alone. Most males think we’re worse than they are.”

  “Is that why they said, ‘Have fun,’ and laughed?” asked Cory. “They thought you were going to torture me?”

  “Something like that. Once upon a time, goblin females might have, especially an outsider like you, but times have changed and so have we. The males think we still torment the bride’s family, but we don’t. It’s sort of like a big party, except you’ll have to take part in some ceremonies. Even those aren’t so bad. You’ll see.”

  “Why did they knock me out and leave me in a dark room, then carry me to you in the dark?” Cory asked her.

  “The males still want everyone to think they’re tough and scary, but they aren’t nearly as bad as they pretend they are. Don’t get me wrong; they used to be truly horrible, but they had to give up their old ways when we started trying to fit in with the rest of fey society.”

  “The ogres had to change their ways, too,” said Cory.

  Scoota nodded. “Just like the ogres, only goblin males still don’t want their females to go out in public. Some of us do, though. More every day, actually. Here we are. You’ll be using this room until the wedding,” Scoota said as she opened a door.

  A fairy light went on as soon as they stepped inside. “This is so bright and pretty,” Cory said. The room wasn’t very big, but the low bed had a floral coverlet in blues and purples, and a braided rug that was different shades of blue. There was a comfortable-looking chair in one corner and a wooden trunk in the other. Ink sticks and a sheaf of leaves lay on a low table by the bed.

  Cory crossed over to the table and picked up an ink stick. “Are these for me?” she asked.

  “Your mother said you needed them to work on your song. I think it’s great that you’re in a band. Goblins aren’t known for music. We sing sometimes, but it hurts everyone’s ears, even our own. Here, change into this,” Scoota said, opening the trunk and taking out a simple shift. “It’s one size fits all, so it should work just fine until we can get your dress cleaned.”

  “I don’t think you’ll be able to get this out,” Cory said, touching the stain on her dress.

  “You’d be amazed at what goblins can do,” Scoota replied. “I’ll wait for you in the hall. Come out when you’ve changed. We don’t have much time.”

  It took Cory only a few minutes to change out of her dress and into the shift. Although it didn’t have much shape to it, Cory didn’t think it looked too bad. Leaving the bridesmaid’s dress on the bed, she joined Scoota in the corridor. “Where are we going now?” she asked.

  “Just down the hall. You’re going to do something with your mother. When you’re finished, I’ll see you at dinner.”

  “What do I have to do?” asked Cory.

  “My aunt Prugilla will explain it all,” Scoota said. “Here we are. I’ll see you in a little while.”

  The room that Cory entered wasn’t very big. Her mother and grandmother were already there, seated in stiff-looking chairs across from each other. When Prugilla saw Cory, the goblin woman pointed to the only other chair and said, “Sit down.”

  As soon as Cory sat, three older goblin women entered the room and took up positions behind the chairs. Cory noticed that each one held a long pin in her hand.

  “Delphinium has been performing this rite for the past few days, so she knows what to expect,” said Prugilla. “It’s very simple, really. All you have to do is cry for one hour. According to tradition, this will help the bride use up all her tears so she’ll have a happy marriage. Deidre, Cory, you will cry along with her to show your support. If you don’t cry, you’re dooming Delphinium to a bad marriage and we all know you don’t want that. When you’ve cried for one hour, we’ll go have supper. You may start crying now.”

  “What?” said Cory. “I can’t cry just because you tell me to!”

  “You have to try, Cory,” said Delphinium. “If you don’t, they’ll make you. Think of something sad—like the time you found that dead squirrel on the road and cried all afternoon.”

  “I was five!” Cory exclaimed.

  “You’re not crying yet!” said the goblin woman standing behind her. “You can stop one hour from the time you start.”

  “Oh, Cory! I wish you’d do what I ask for once! Is it so hard to please your mother?” Delphinium asked as tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

  “Well, I’m not crying on command!” Deidre announced. “I’ll sit here for an hour, but you won’t get a single tear out of … Ouch! Did you just poke me with a pin?” She turned around to face the woman behind her, who was poised to jab her again.

  “I told you they’d make you cry if you didn’t do it on your own!” wailed Delphinium. “Now cry, darn you!”

  “Jab me again and you’re the one who’ll be crying!” Deidre told the goblin woman who had poked her.

  “Wait!” Cory said as the woman behind her raised her arm.

  The goblin woman jabbed Cory’s arm anyway.

  Cory yelped and gave her an angry look. “I’m trying to think of something sad.”

  “You can’t think of anything sad because I’ve given you such a good life,” said Delphinium. “You don’t have any sad memories.”

  “You know that isn’t true, Mother,” Cory told her. “Ow!” The goblin woman had poked her in the shoulder.

  “Mother, think about all the young men who didn’t come home from the Troll Wars,” said Delphinium. “Think about your cousin Andykins. You told me that he was killed the day he reached the front!”

  “He was such a nice young man,” said Deidre as the first tears sparkled in her eyes. “He always brought me candy when he came to visit.”

  “I remember how all my friends had birthday parties every year and you got mad when I asked if I could have one!” Cory told her mother. “But that doesn’t make me sad. It makes me angry.”

  The goblin woman jabbed Cory’s arm again.

  “Ow!” Cory exclaimed. “And you never went to any of my concerts at school because you said they were a waste of your time. That makes me mad, too!”

  “I was busy,” Delphinium replied.

  “You could have made time for me!” Cory half shouted. “But siding with the guilds against me tops everything! You could have stood up for me, Mother!”

  “You were wrong to turn against the Tooth Fairy Guild, Cory,” said her mother. “I couldn’t take your side when you were wrong.”

  The goblin jabbed her again. “Will you cut that out?” Cory said as tears of frustration welled in her eyes.

  “Very good, Cory! Think about how much it hurts. Think about how you’re trying and you keep getting jabbed with a pin anyway,” said her mother.

  And then Cory really began to cry.

  “That’s it!” shouted Delphinium. “You’re crying!”

  “What are you thinking about, Cory? It must be really sad,” asked Deidre.

  “I’m thinking about how I never could make my mother happy, and that I wish I wasn’t here,” Cory said.

  “And it’s enough to make you cry!” exclaimed Delphinium. “I must have done something right raising you!”

  It wasn’t easy to cry for an entire hour, but Cory got better at it after a while. When the hour was up, Prugilla escorted them to a dining room where the other goblin women were already seated and waiting. They congratulated the new arrivals as if they’d done something marvelous, then dug into the dishes as they were placed on the tables.

  Cory sat next to Scoota and as far from Delphinium as she could get. After crying for so long, she still felt miserable and not very talkative. She was surprised to see h
er mother talking and laughing with the goblin women as if she hadn’t just been sobbing into a handkerchief. It only reinforced the thought that she’d never understand Delphinium.

  Although she tried to answer Scoota’s questions, she couldn’t make herself eat. Crying had made her lose her appetite, and the fact that most of the dishes had meat in them didn’t help. As soon as she could, Cory excused herself from the table and returned to the room where she’d sleep. If she had to write a song, she needed to get started. Anything to make the time pass until she could leave.

  Her dress was gone when she stepped into the room, and in its place she found another shapeless shift. After getting ready for bed, she sat on the covers, staring at the ink stick in her hand. At first she was convinced that she didn’t have anything to say and could never get a song about love done in time, but she soon found that love was one topic that evoked an outpouring of feelings in her. Cory stayed up half the night working on the song.

  CHAPTER

  10

  Cory woke the next morning feeling much more like her usual self. She ate the cooked grains she was offered at breakfast, politely declining all the meats and eggs. After everyone was finished, Prugilla announced that it was time for the bride to cry again, so Delphinium, Deidre, and Cory trooped down the corridor to the room with three chairs and took their seats. This time Cory was able to cry right away. Thinking about love all night with its attendant hopes and fears, highs and lows, had left her with plenty of ideas that she could use to make her cry.

  She was sitting silently with tears streaming down her face when her mother turned to her and said, “I’m glad you decided to help me. The more we cry, the more Wilburton’s family will know how much we want this marriage to work.”

  Cory smiled through her tears, not feeling the need to tell her mother the real reason she was crying. This time her tears were those of joy. After all, if her mother married a goblin, she would probably be too busy to harass Cory anymore. Yes, she wanted the marriage to work, but not for the same reasons as her mother’s.

  Although Deidre still had a hard time crying, they finally got through their hour of misery. They were leaving the room when Delphinium turned to Cory and said, “How is the song coming along?”

  “Surprisingly well,” Cory replied. “I’ll need only a few more hours to work on it. It should be ready to rehearse with Zephyr later tonight.”

  “Oh, you’re not going to rehearse with them,” said Delphinium. “They aren’t allowed in the goblin warren until the day of the wedding.”

  “Then how are we supposed to play it together? We have to practice to get it right!”

  Delphinium shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

  “Come with me, Delphinium, you need to get ready,” Prugilla said, taking her by the arm.

  Delphinium looked confused. “Ready for what?”

  “The next rite, of course,” Prugilla replied. “You’ll see your mother in just a few minutes, Cory. Scoota will take you where you need to go.”

  “Do you know what we’re doing next?” Cory asked the goblin girl as they started walking.

  Scoota nodded. “Yes, and your mother isn’t going to like it one bit.”

  “She won’t get hurt, will she? We don’t get along, but I won’t do anything to hurt her,” said Cory.

  “Of course not! No one gets hurt in this ceremony! But they do scream a lot,” Scoota said with an evil-looking smile.

  They walked farther down the corridor than they had before to a room with bare stone floor and walls. Deidre and all the goblin women joined them over the next few minutes. When Delphinium came in wearing a robe and goggles, she looked nervous and very uncomfortable.

  Goblin women started walking around the room handing out buckets filled with stinky, black slop. Cory was wondering what she was supposed to do with it, when Prugilla gestured to Delphinium. Wearing a pained look on her face, Delphinium took off the robe so that all she was wearing were the goggles. Cory gasped. She had never seen her mother naked before, and she certainly didn’t want to now.

  She stood there, trying not to look at her mother, as the goblin women around her reached into their buckets and pulled out handfuls of the black stuff. Prugilla was the first to toss some at Delphinium, who cried out in dismay. After that, goblin women threw the slop randomly, covering Cory’s mother until she was dripping with it.

  “This is called the Glopping of the Bride,” said Scoota. “All the female members of the bride’s family, both old and new, have to do it. If you don’t, we’ll think that you don’t want to see our two families joined.”

  Cory didn’t want to do it. Although she didn’t like her mother and rarely got along with her, she’d never wished her harm and hated the thought of anyone hurting her. Even so, it looked as if Cory had to throw the glop, whether she wanted to or not. When she looked up, her mother was standing with her back straight and her arms crossed over her chest. Black slop covered the goggles, making it impossible to see through them. At least Cory wouldn’t have to look her mother in the eyes when she did this.

  Reaching into the bucket, Cory grabbed a fistful and threw it at her mother. She heard a gleeful shout and turned to see her grandmother throwing the muck as fast as she could. Apparently, Deidre had no reservations about “Glopping” the bride.

  Cory reluctantly emptied her bucket one glob at a time. When everyone was finished, Delphinium was ushered from the room to loud and joyful cheers. A few goblin women left and came back bearing buckets of clean water, soap, towels, and mops. While some of the women washed the floor, the rest washed the black muck from their hands and arms, then left the room looking very pleased with themselves.

  “You’ll be involved in one more ceremony after lunch,” Scoota told Cory. “But it’s a private one. Only you, your mother, and your grandmother will meet with Prugilla and two of her sisters. My mother is one of the sisters.”

  “It doesn’t involve tossing things at people, does it?” asked Cory.

  Scoota shook her head and laughed. “No, and no one has to take her clothes off, either.”

  Cory sat with Scoota again and ate salad for lunch. Her mother, washed and wearing clean clothes, sat with Prugilla. The Glopping ceremony seemed to have endeared her mother to the goblins, and they treated her more warmly than they had before. Deidre was also in a good mood, talking and laughing with the goblins seated around her. Neither her mother nor her grandmother seemed to dread the next ceremony the way Cory did.

  The third and final ceremony took place in the room with all the couches. When Cory heard what it was, she wasn’t sure it should even be called a ceremony. “These are two of my sisters, Grunnel and Peaches. They’ll be helping me with our Goblin Marriage Counseling,” Prugilla said as they all sat down. “We do this regardless of who is getting married. However, we feel it’s even more important when a goblin is marrying a non-goblin.”

  “Do very many goblins marry non-goblins?” asked Cory.

  “This is the first in our family,” Prugilla told her. “We couldn’t believe it when he told us, but considering how handsome and charismatic Wilburton is, we shouldn’t have been surprised. He was out of the warren working with non-goblins and was bound to catch some lady’s eye.”

  Cory laughed, then covered it with a cough when she realized that Officer Deeds’s mother wasn’t joking. Deidre looked as if she’d tasted something really terrible. Cory hoped her grandmother wasn’t about to say what she was really thinking.

  “You know I was married once before,” said Delphinium. “How is being married to a goblin any different?”

  “Goblin men are very strong-willed,” said Prugilla. “They expect to have every little thing their way and can be very nasty if it isn’t. I’ve been married for sixty-seven years, and my husband still thinks he’s in charge. That’s because I know how to handle him. For instance, when you want something, suggest it in a way that will make him think he thought of it himself. Then continue
to let him think it was his idea, even when it grates on your nerves every time he crows about his own brilliance.”

  “Really?” said Grunnel. “I always let my husband think he’s right, until he isn’t. Then I set him straight, even if it means kicking him out of the cave.”

  “I’ve never kicked my husband out of the cave,” declared Peaches.

  “That’s because when you get in a big fight with him, you come running to my cave,” said Grunnel.

  “Or mine,” Prugilla added.

  “I don’t come to your caves because we’re fighting!” said Peaches. “I come over because he snores so loudly I can’t get any sleep! We fight as much as any other happily married goblins. Why else do you think we’ve stayed together as long as we have? I always say, ‘Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight it out!’ ”

  “When I said that goblin husbands can be nasty if they don’t get what they want, just keep in mind that the only way to win a fight with a goblin is to be nastier than he is,” Prugilla told Delphinium. “I’ve lived by that rule every day of my married life and we’re both very happy. Goblin husbands expect nastiness. They don’t really understand anything else.”

  “Do you have any suggestions that don’t have to do with fighting?” asked Delphinium.

  “Of course!” said Grunnel. “You should always tell your husband what you want. He’s probably too thick-headed to figure it out for himself.”

  Peaches shook her head. “I believe in being subtle. If my husband forgets to buy me a gift for an important event, like my birthday or our anniversary or any of the fifty-three goblin holidays, I make lists of gifts I’d like and leave them on his pillow, or next to the toilet, or on his dinner plate. If he’s too thick-headed to get the hint, I tape the list to his forehead when he’s sleeping. Once, I even used an ink stick to write it on his belly.”

  “Fifty-three goblin holidays!” cried Cory. “Do you really celebrate them all?”

  “I do if it means I get presents,” Peaches told her.

  “Well, I think we can all agree that communication is very important in a marriage,” said Prugilla. “If your husband does something you don’t like, tell your mother-in-law about it. She’ll make him change his ways. And since I’m going to be your mother-in-law, Delphinium, know that you can count on me!”