Her eyes glistened and she looked out to sea. ‘And you and me?’
‘We take a step back. A pause.’ He told himself it could only be for a week, yet in his heart he knew there was a good chance it would be for ever.
Her eyes searched his. ‘You’re not going to do a Ross on me?’
‘Sorry?’
‘From Friends? You know, when Rachel and he were on a break? He slept with someone else because he argued they’d broken up, but for her it was just a pause.’ She closed her eyes, shaking her head, and he didn’t know whether she was amused, or exasperated. ‘I can’t believe I’m explaining Friends to you. I thought everyone watched it.’
‘I rarely watch TV.’ Another thing they didn’t have in common. Reason 1,072 for her to choose Henry over him.
‘Seriously? You’ve got something against sitting on your bum, relaxing?’
With the healthy eating, now the TV, she must have him down as some smug, ultra-virtuous freak. ‘At school it meant going in the common room.’ He’d never felt more alone than sitting in a room of boys who studiously avoided talking to him. ‘Then, with work, there was never the time.’
She nodded. ‘I guess you don’t miss what you’ve never had.’
Silence again, a thick, heavy quiet that pulled at his heart. Tell her how you feel. That you can’t contemplate the thought of being with anyone else. Would it be fair, though? He didn’t want her to stick with him because she felt she ought to, because he was the one she was seeing. That’s just an excuse. Maybe it was, but this surely wasn’t the time to bare his soul, to leave himself open and vulnerable. Not for her sake or his own.
But he could say something.
He squeezed her hand. ‘I’ve had you, Lottie. And I’ll miss you terribly.’ He tried to smile. ‘I promise I won’t do a Ross. He sounds like a prick.’
Lottie laughed, as he’d hoped, and though it was quieter, less carefree than usual, it at least dispelled some of the heavy emotion. ‘He was a bit. Joey was always my favourite.’ She nudged him. ‘Maybe we’ll sit down one Sunday and binge watch the first few series.’
His throat tightened, emotion bubbling so close to the surface, he was terrified it might boil over. ‘I’d like that.’ Because he couldn’t afford the hope that tried to wriggle into his heart, he rose to his feet. ‘We’d best be getting back. Chewie will wonder where you are.’
‘He’s okay. He’s taken a liking to Henry.’
Even her dog thought she should choose Henry, he thought glumly as they walked back. Reason 1,073.
The wriggling hope died.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
It was Wednesday evening and Lottie was with Shaun, Henry and Amy in the pub. Shaun and Henry were reminiscing about when they’d gone around in a gang. Shaun had been dating Madeline then, and there had also been another couple who’d since moved away. The six of them had had some wild times: camping holidays, festivals, pub crawls, BBQs on the beach into the small hours.
Happy days, yet they seemed to belong to another life. One when she’d had no mortgage, no business. When things had been simple and she’d been carefree. Inevitably it brought her mind back to Matt. She wondered if he’d ever had a time in his life when he’d felt that way. When he’d not been head down, insular, driven.
‘Another drink?’ Henry shook his beer bottle in front of her face, jerking her out of her thoughts.
‘Sorry, yes, please.’ She’d avoided Henry on Monday, claiming she was too busy when really she just needed some space to work through her thoughts. Yesterday she’d met him for lunch, and though it had been pleasant, she’d felt annoyed at being pushed into it, both by Henry and by Matt.
Henry because he expected her to make time for him, even though it was his choice to remain down here. Matt because despite his denial, it felt like he was shoving her into Henry’s arms.
‘Hey, it’s my round. I’ll get them.’ Shaun eased off the bar stool but Henry waved him off.
‘No way, I invited you guys, remember? Plus I’m not here for long. Let me treat you so you don’t forget me too fast when I’m not around.’
His eyes rested on Lottie and she knew he was thinking what she was. The book club was tomorrow, then they only had Friday and Saturday before he went back to London.
‘London’s hardly California,’ Shaun pointed out. ‘You’ll be back.’
Henry kept his gaze on her. ‘Depends what there is to come back for.’
Lottie was very aware of Amy and Shaun watching them intently.
‘Well, let me at least help you carry the drinks,’ Shaun offered and followed Henry to the bar, leaving Lottie and, she knew, a very confused Amy.
‘Are you seeing Henry again?’ Amy asked, then glanced away. ‘Not that it’s my business, it’s just, well…’ Her gaze found Lottie’s again and this time she jutted out her chin. ‘Matt’s my brother.’
Lottie gave a silent cheer. Her relationship with Matt might be going backwards but at least he’d achieved what he’d desperately wanted. A close relationship with his sister. ‘I’ve been catching up with Henry while he’s been down here, but only as a friend.’ She put her hands on the table and leant forward. ‘Matt broke things off between us, Amy. He said’ – she swallowed, hard, remembering that awful conversation at the beach – ‘He said he wanted me to spend time with Henry. See if what we had was still there.’
Amy stared down at her drink. ‘Is it a real break, or a pause? You know, like Ross and Rachel had in Friends?’
Lottie couldn’t help but smile. ‘It’s a pause.’
‘Okay, good. That means you’ll get back together again.’ She picked at the label on her beer bottle. ‘He’s been proper happy since he started going out with you.’
Then why is he pushing me away? Lottie didn’t understand. Surely if he really wanted her, now would be the time to keep her close, not drive her into the arms of her ex? ‘I’ve been happy since I started dating him, too.’ Determined to keep the conversation light, Lottie turned the tables on Amy. ‘Speaking of happy, you and Shaun look like the poster couple for happiness.’
Amy giggled. ‘He’s well nice. I mean, when I first met him I thought he was fit, but knew it. A bit cocky, you know? But now…’ She let out a dreamy-sounding sigh. ‘I reckon I might be falling in love with him.’
Lottie reached across the table to touch her hand. ‘I’m so pleased for you, Amy, and for him. I think you’re really good for each other.’
‘Yeah?’ She blushed. ‘I didn’t think I stood a chance with him. He’s so good-looking, so confident and outgoing. I’m like the total opposite.’
Lottie thought of her and Matt, and then her and Henry. ‘Finding the perfect partner doesn’t necessarily mean finding your mirror image. I think it’s more about balance. You ground him, Amy.’
‘And you loosen Matt up, make him, I don’t know, more chilled. It’s like he was all buttoned up tight and you undid some of those buttons.’
Lottie smiled fondly. ‘I did, didn’t I?’ He hadn’t been the only one who’d benefited these last few months, though. She’d always been the chatty blonde, one of the lads. To Matt, she’d been so much more: the electrician he admired, the woman he brought flowers, the person he actually believed could have been a doctor. She’d not been able to look him in the eye when he’d said that, too embarrassed. Yet the very fact that he thought she – the tomboy who’d left school with so little in terms of academic grades – was capable of it had surely proved he’d not just liked her, he’d respected her.
So why had he let Henry come between them?
Shaun and Henry arrived back, clearly still in the middle of a heated debate about cars. ‘I’m telling you, if I didn’t need the space, I’d be driving a Maserati.’ Shaun mimicked putting one hand on a steering wheel, his arm nonchalantly resting on an imaginary open window. ‘Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the customers when I rolled up to fix their blocked bogs?’
Henry threw back his head and
laughed. ‘Yeah, really you need an old banger, something that says I’m poor because I don’t fleece my customers.’ He elbowed Lottie. ‘You need to change your van, Lot, it’s too fancy.’
‘It’s not my van. Mine is an old banger. It’s stuck in the garage, waiting for when I can afford to pay for a new head gasket.’
‘You lease the one you’re using now, then? Because that’s got to be a waste of money. I can always loan you—’
‘No, I’m fine.’ Did he not realise how small that made her feel, that he could easily afford to lend her the money, when she was desperately saving up? ‘Anyway, I’m not leasing it. The van belongs to Matt.’
Amy snorted. ‘Matt’s never had a van.’
Lottie carefully put the bottle she’d been about to take a swig out of back down on the table. ‘It’s the one he used to help you guys move.’
‘We came down in his F-Pace. The removal company took all our stuff in their lorry.’ She paled and put a hand over her face. ‘Oh shit. Now I remember. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.’
Lottie felt numb, her brain a mess of mismatching neurones as she tried to make sense of what Amy had let slip.
‘Sounds like the good bookshop owner has been telling porkie pies,’ Henry drawled.
A chill ran down her spine. So much for respecting her. Matt had lied to her. He’d clearly felt so sorry for her, he’d hired a bloody van. She didn’t know whether to be angry, or mortified. Or both.
Clutching her handbag, she jumped to her feet. ‘Sorry to bail on you, but I need to get back. My parents have got Chewie and they don’t like it when I’m too late.’
Ignoring Henry’s protests that it was still early, she strode out of the pub, her mind a hot mess.
‘Lottie.’ She turned to see Amy had followed her. ‘Please don’t be cross with him.’
‘I’m not – well, not as much as I’m … disappointed.’ Disappointed that he’d lied, and that he’d felt the need to lie. ‘Also embarrassed.’ How much was this blasted van costing him?
Amy pulled at her ponytail. ‘He’ll have some sappy reason for not wanting you to know.’ She looked pleadingly at Lottie. ‘He really likes you.’
‘Thanks, Amy.’ Lottie believed her, but like wasn’t enough. Not when she’d gone and fallen in love.
Matt was trying to get into his new book – he’d abandoned The Kiss Quotient, not wanting to read about someone else’s romantic life when his own was in tatters.
A thriller had seemed a better choice, but as good as Louise Candlish’s writing was, The Other Passenger just wasn’t doing it for him right now. He was starting to think dating Lottie had not just ruined him for other women. It had ruined his powers of concentration, too.
The ring on the doorbell was a welcome distraction, and when he saw who it was, his sad heart jumped right into his throat.
‘Lottie, this is a surprise. A good surprise,’ he qualified, aware the last time he’d spoken to her, she’d accused him of pushing her away. ‘Stupendous surprise.’ Automatically he reached to cup her face, his need to kiss her a fierce burning in his chest. But then he noticed her eyes were flat, her expression closed off. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Why did you lie to me about the van?’
Damn it. Heaving out a sigh, he glanced behind her into the road. ‘Are you on your own? Where’s Amy? I thought you guys were meeting up.’
‘We were, until the van came up in conversation. Amy said she didn’t realise you had one.’
For a split second he considered lying again, telling her Amy must not have been around when he drove it down, but lies of any sort, even lies intended to protect, to help – like his lie about the van – sounded like a betrayal when they were found out. He couldn’t blame Lottie for being mad at him.
He opened the door further. ‘Let’s not talk about this on the doorstep.’
She was clearly torn, reluctant to come in, but finally she stepped inside, though he could feel the tension vibrating through her body. The same body he yearned to pull into his arms. Given how angry she looked, it was a distinct possibility he’d never be given that honour again.
‘Can I get you anything to drink?’ he asked as she perched on the edge of the sofa. Like she was ready to leave the moment she had what she came for.
‘I just want an answer, Matt.’
‘Yes, of course.’ Figuring if he sat next to her she’d jump up, he chose the armchair, lowering himself slowly to give himself time to think. ‘I wanted to help.’
‘So why lie? Why not be up front with your offer?’
‘Because I knew you wouldn’t take it.’
‘And you’d be right, which only makes what you did feel worse. You knew I wanted to stand on my own two feet, yet you deliberately arranged things so I wouldn’t.’ She looked away from him, her expression tight. ‘It was hard accepting the loan of your van, but I figured as you weren’t using it, I wasn’t taking too much. Nothing I couldn’t compensate you for with a bottle of whisky. But now…’ Her voice trailed off and her gaze found his. ‘Are you hiring it or…’ Her face paled. ‘Oh God, did you buy it for me?’
He’d thought he was doing the right thing, so why did he suddenly feel so stupid? ‘Not directly. I bought it so you could use it.’
She swore. ‘Come on, that’s the same thing.’
‘No, it isn’t. When your own van is up and running again, I figured I might keep it for deliveries, like I said.’
She gave a sharp shake of her head, as if she didn’t believe him. ‘I thought you understood me,’ she said quietly, the disappointment in her voice causing a painful twist in his chest. ‘I thought you respected me.’
It felt like a weight had landed on him. ‘Christ, Lottie. I do respect you.’
‘Then why go to these lengths to deceive me? Just because I don’t have a degree, didn’t leave school with a stack of A Levels and GCSEs, doesn’t mean I’m not capable. I don’t need handouts.’ She drew her hand over her eyes, her voice shaking. ‘You’ve made me feel like a charity case.’
Matt felt sick. How had he managed to cock this up so badly? ‘You think I don’t know how capable you are? You do things with wires I couldn’t begin to attempt, you own your own business and your own home, run a club that has changed the lives of the people who attend it.’ He leant forward, arms on his knees, eyes pleading with her to understand. ‘You’re always helping everyone else. I wanted to do something for you.’
He wanted to do more. Hell, if it was his choice he’d give her the van, but he knew her pride wouldn’t allow it. He’d hoped this way he could help her while letting her keep her dignity. And he’d failed spectacularly.
‘I know your heart was in the right place, but right now I wish I hadn’t accepted the offer to borrow it.’ Her expression hardened. ‘I’ll be sure to pay you back what it would have cost me to hire one.’
He exhaled sharply, fighting to control his exasperation. ‘Come on, Lottie. Don’t be like this. I’ve got money, not a crazy amount, but enough that I don’t need to worry about spending it.’
She smiled sadly. ‘But I do.’ She rose to her feet. ‘No need to show me out. I remember the way.’
His heart plummeted. He was losing her, and maybe not even to Henry. ‘Lottie, please.’ He reached for her arm and clearly his body didn’t realise how precarious their relationship was, because it reacted in all the usual places when his hand touched her skin. ‘I can’t regret wanting to take some of the stress away from you, but I can regret, deeply, that in doing so I made you feel less about yourself.’ Risking a slap, he touched a hand to her face, trailing his finger down her cheek. ‘You are so much better, so much more than you give yourself credit for. I see it, my family sees it. Your book club sees it. Your customers must see it.’ He smiled though his face felt tight. ‘And if your teachers could see you now, they would see it, too.’
Tears streamed down her face and she blinked furiously, pushing his hand away. He wanted to think it was just s
o she could wipe her wet cheeks, but he couldn’t be sure. ‘Bugger it, you’ve turned me into a blubbering mess.’
He allowed his gaze to roam her face, the glistening eyes, wet cheeks, soft lips. ‘You’re a beautiful blubbering mess.’
‘You’re lying to me again.’
And though she smiled, he felt the sting of her words and dropped his hand, slipping it into his pocket so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch her again. ‘Enjoy the rest of your week with Henry.’
‘Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He must have looked confused because she added, ‘The book club.’
‘Yes, of course.’ Usually he looked forward to it, sneaking kisses with Lottie before the gang arrived, thinking of ways he could entertain her, entertain them both, when the meeting had finished. But tomorrow she’d be with Henry, and he would have to sit and watch as the man charmed both the club and its leader.
It was an hour later when Amy tapped gently on his bedroom door. He was sat on the bed, nose back in the thriller, head miles away.
‘I screwed up, didn’t I?’ Amy’s face was full of apology.
He leapt off the bed and wrapped his arms around his sister. ‘No. I was the one who screwed up.’
Amy sighed against him. ‘She seemed pretty mad.’
‘I’m not sure mad is the right word.’ He pictured Lottie’s face, and his heart lurched. ‘Disappointed. In me.’
‘But you were only trying to help her.’ Amy looked up at him. ‘I mean, buying a van for her, that’s proper nice. She can see that, right?’
‘I hope she will. In time.’ He smiled at his sister with more confidence than he felt.
Later, as he gave up trying to sleep, he stared up at the ceiling and pondered the whole sorry mess. On the surface Lottie was so straightforward compared to him. His miserable time at boarding school, stress from his job, guilt over his marriage and his mum – it had turned him into an insular mess. A man who found it hard to open up to others. Yet he’d forgotten that beneath the surface, Lottie suffered insecurities too. And in forgetting, he’d trampled right over them.
The Beach Reads Book Club: The most heartwarming and feel good summer holiday read of 2021! (The Kathryn Freeman Romcom Collection, Book 5) Page 24
