List of Ten

by Halli Gomez

  I appreciated his offer. Really. Not that I was going to tell him right now, especially because he missed the whole point. It wasn’t about going somewhere. It was about being able to do things without the fucking tics and obsessions getting in the way. Just once.

  I didn’t answer him. Instead I counted to ten. My neck twitched. Faster. My hands squeezed together. I wanted to scream, so I bit my lip as it tried to burst through.

  We rode the rest of the way home in silence and parked in the garage. I was done, but Dad wasn’t.

  “You’re grounded. No more going out with your friends. No more jobs. Your friends cannot come here, and no more rides from this kid Jay. If you need to go somewhere, Terri or I will take you. Otherwise you go to school and come home.”

  It wasn’t a surprise, but my heart ached at the thought of not being able to see Khory after school. And everyone else.

  “How long?” I asked.

  “Until I can trust you to follow the rules,” Dad said.

  Well, you know what, Dad? You should have told me that a long time ago. And acted like it. I got out of the car, stomped ten steps, then bent down and pounded the floor. And repeat until I got to my room and slammed the door.

  I texted Khory.

  ME: I’m sorry. I love you.

  I stared at the phone for a while waiting for her to text cute little hearts.

  Nothing.

  I got into bed and turned off my light. I was ready for the day to be done. And the next eleven days to be done. I didn’t need this shit anymore. Before I put the phone down, I opened the list and checked off “Drive a car.” I sank into the pillow. Only two more left.

  MARCH 28

  The first thing I thought of when I woke up was Khory. I grabbed my phone. Nothing. No texts or phone calls from her or from anyone else. But it was only nine in the morning. Everyone was probably up late getting screamed at, so naturally they’d sleep in late. That’s the lie I told myself, anyway.

  I texted Khory again.

  ME: Hi. Sorry again about last night. I hope things were better when you got home.

  Was she curled up under her purple comforter deciding if she wanted to talk to me? I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. Khory was brutal to her parents in front of us. I can’t imagine what happened when they were alone. No doubt having the police call brought back memories and nightmares they wished would never come back.

  Did that make Khory realize having a boyfriend like me was more trouble than it was worth? Because now she’d never get to go anywhere.

  Despite the fire in her eyes when she talked about traveling, she’d never be free. Neither of us would. We were both strapped to something. Me, the physical pain and the emotional pain when I faced people outside the security of my room. For her, the dangers that lurked around every corner. She’d never be free if she kept looking over her shoulder.

  I opened my bedroom door a crack and peered down the hall. Empty. I crept to the bathroom, took one clonidine pill and one Lexapro, and counted what was left. Twelve in each. I added two pills from each bottle, including the melatonin, to the stash in the back of my drawer. Monday I would ask Dad for refills.

  My neck twitched. I squeezed my hands together. Dad’s voice seized control of my brain. The conversation from last night played on repeat. My neck twitched faster. The picture of me plastered on the hood of Jay’s car took over. It wasn’t Dad, but it wasn’t better. I squeezed my hands even tighter.

  A burning sensation grew in my stomach. It traveled down my arms and into my hands. I whirled around the bathroom and gnashed my teeth together. My eyes landed on the towel rack. I grabbed it with both hands and wrenched it from the wall. Two holes stared at me like eyes. Judging. I held the rack like a bat and swung.

  Smack!

  Dad’s voice drifted down the hall followed by Terri’s. I stared at the big hole in the center, then dropped the rack, raced to my room, and slammed the door. I locked it and jumped in bed.

  There was a bang on my door.

  “Troy?”

  My doorknob turned.

  “Troy, I know you’re awake. I know you were just in the bathroom,” Dad said. “What the hell happened?”

  I flipped over and faced the wall. I begged myself not to grunt or moan or yell.

  “Open the door.”

  I bit my lip.

  “I’ll give you some time to calm down, but we’re going to discuss this,” Dad said.

  I waited a few minutes to be sure he’d left, then grabbed my phone, fingers crossed for a text. From anyone.

  Nothing.

  One more try to Khory. I didn’t want to seem desperate, and three texts really wasn’t, but I didn’t care because I was desperate.

  ME: Hi. I don’t know what to say. Just let me know you’re okay.

  The phone beeped before I put it down.

  My heart stopped for a second. Would it be good news or bad? I hoped to see a heart emoji or smiley face as a clue. Nothing. Just words.

  KHORY: No more boyfriend and Khory isn’t allowed to use her phone anymore.

  A sharp pain stabbed my heart. Then my chest burned. It was exactly what I thought a broken heart would feel like. I grabbed my hair and pulled as hard as I could. I begged for pain, but my body wouldn’t listen. It wasn’t on my side. My neck twitched fast. I whipped my head up and down praying for a snap or crack.

  I dug my nails into my wrists. It wasn’t enough. The scissors were sharper. I could feel them through the mattress. The pain could be intense. I leaped out of bed and lifted the mattress. Ran my finger along the green handle and then squeezed the blades in my hand. But if I went too far . . .

  April 6 was coming. Ten years. I had to wait. I dropped the scissors and mattress, then let my body go. I twitched and squeezed until my muscles were on fire and definitely over one hundred on the pain scale. When I was too weak to move, my body sank into the bed and slept.

  The knock on my door woke me. I rolled over and opened my eyes.

  “Troy? You’ve been sleeping most of the day. Are you hungry?” Dad asked.

  I rubbed my eyes and stretched. My legs were sore, and a sharp pain ran down my left shoulder blade.

  “No,” I said.

  “You want to come out and play with Jude?”

  “I have homework. Maybe later.” Lie.

  “Listen, I’m not upset about the bathroom. We’ll fix it, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Are you going to come out?”

  “I have homework.”

  “Well, let me know if I can help.”

  “Sure.” I should have called his bluff. What did he know about Pre-Calculus?

  But it wasn’t all a lie. I had work to do, just not for school. Nothing had changed. Last night had made me realize how stupid my dream of living happily ever after with Khory and without the tics and obsessions was. It wasn’t possible. Which meant I still needed money, and if I couldn’t work, I had to find a cheaper way to get to Schenectady.

  MARCH 29

  I faced my locker and counted my money. Ninety dollars. I needed at least fifty more. The bus was the cheapest way to New York, but still more than I had.

  I wasn’t against begging and trying out the guilt-trip approach again. I knew what Dad had said, but keeping me inside would set me back at least ten steps in my progress to be the well-rounded kid he wanted. Grounding me just wasn’t productive. Really, how harmful could pressure-washing an old woman’s deck be?

  I played the script over in my mind when a pair of arms wrapped around me. They were smooth with light-pink nail polish. I turned around. Khory gave me a big kiss and leaned against me. I put my arms around her and breathed in the sweet smell of strawberry.

  “I wanted to call you, but my dad grounded me and took my phone. I only get it at school in case there’s an emergency.” She stood up straight, scrunched her eyebrows together like her dad, and pointed her finger at me. “No need to have your phone when you’re safe at home.”


  She went for the deep, throaty voice most grown men have, but it sounded more like a thirteen-year-old boy. I held in my laughter.

  “He actually said ‘safe at home.’ So I said he couldn’t guarantee that. I could fall down the stairs or the house could explode.”

  “You didn’t say that, did you?” I asked.

  She nodded.

  Didn’t she realize her dad would freak and was probably calling around for a full-time babysitter or a realtor to find a one-story house? Did she realize she just upped the security on her prison?

  “I know, I shouldn’t have, but I was so upset.” She ran her hand through her hair. “I thought about running away and actually pulled out a bag. Then I thought that maybe I could go to Schenectady with you.” She smiled and winked.

  We walked down the hall to the cafeteria. Was she joking? Of course she couldn’t go. My list had a different ending than hers. We couldn’t run away together. Even if she went to Schenectady with me, there was no happily ever after.

  “If he thinks he’s going to stop me from having a life and freedom, he’s crazy.”

  I loved that she was a fighter and added to her list. But I was stuck with mine. She kissed me, and I followed her to the middle table. Jay, Rainn, and Diego were already there.

  “My mom wasn’t really upset about the driving,” Jay was telling Rainn and Diego. “She was pissed about the rolling papers. She spent the entire weekend tearing my room apart looking for drugs. And I mean the entire room. Drawers, closet, the box of stupid pictures I made as a kid.”

  I tried to imagine Jay as a first grader. That box was probably full of pictures of crayon-colored cars.

  “She was convinced I had heroin or cocaine or some other hardcore freaky drug hidden. She didn’t believe me until there was nothing left to go through. Good thing we smoked it all. Still, she grounded me and threatened weekly drug tests. Which I’m not sure was just a threat.”

  He sighed and dropped his wrap. Nothing killed an appetite like the thought of peeing into a cup for your mom. All I needed was for Mrs. Davidson to give my dad that idea.

  Rainn and Diego weren’t grounded. I didn’t know his parents, but hers were pretty chill. It was her house that we’d walked away from to smoke pot and to drive. Maybe because marijuana was technically an herb.

  “I did get a long lecture, though,” Diego said. “Excruciatingly long.”

  “My mom was shocked your dad never taught you to drive. Mom claimed it disempowered you,” Rainn said. “So I thought she was cool with the whole thing, but then the lecture came.”

  She glanced at Diego, then focused on straightening her lunch bag.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. I knew the signs. They were hiding something. Yeah, they said lectures, but there was more to the story.

  Rainn looked at Diego. He shrugged.

  “So they said they couldn’t believe we got in the car with someone who has no control over anything and we couldn’t hang out with you anymore. Or Jay, because they think he’s on drugs,” Rainn said. “We’re really sorry. Don’t take it personally. They don’t know you, Troy.”

  Except hers did. I’d been to her house often enough for her mom to check out my lack of control. She noticed because she’d offered to help me one day with some oil or witchcraft remedy. But I wasn’t supposed to take it personally. I straightened my lunch bag, sandwich, and drink, because that’s what I did. But I really wanted to squeeze the crap out of my sandwich.

  “Hey, Troy, our parents are jerks. Okay, maybe you’re not the best driver, but you’re cool. They can’t tell us who to hang out with,” Diego said.

  “Yeah, don’t worry about it. You probably had enough grief with your dad,” Jay said. “He was so businesslike, which is a hundred times worse than ours since his business is being a cop.”

  I looked up from my lunch. The four of them were waiting for my story, so I told them about the sniff test in the car, the “I told you so” about driving, and that I was grounded, too. There wasn’t much to say after that, so we ate in silence. To some degree, today life sucked for all of us.

  I went with that feeling when I walked Khory to class after lunch. Who cared if I was late to math again? Who cared if Mr. Nagel gave me a detention? I really didn’t give a shit, and for a few seconds I thought about telling him that.

  “Even though my parents are being jerks, I don’t regret anything,” Khory said. “I still love you, and somehow we’ll make it work.”

  Khory to the rescue again. If I told off a teacher, her dad would never let me see her.

  “Thanks.” I kissed her. “I have to get to class.”

  “Oh, no! We have midterms next week. You were supposed to help me tomorrow when I babysat Jude.” Her eyes were wide. Failing wasn’t an option for her. “I still have questions. What am I going to do?”

  I couldn’t stand to see the panic on her face. But there was no way her dad would let her come over.

  “Maybe you should find someone else to help you,” I said.

  “There’s no one else. You are the only one who explains it clearly.” She put her hands on her hips. “I want you. That’s it. No discussion. That’s what I’ll tell my dad.”

  Yeah, like he’d care. “Listen, you can’t bring up my name. No more boyfriend, remember?”

  “I don’t care what he said, or about math. I can’t live without you.” She had tears in her eyes.

  I should have been a man and told her I wouldn’t be around forever. She’d have to learn to let me go. If I broke up with her now, she’d be over me before April 6. But when I looked at her, my legs weakened. My heart ached. I wanted to hold onto her until the very last second. Even though I knew it was inevitable, I couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

  “You can’t come to my house because my dad will definitely call yours.” I shifted my feet. “Can you sneak out? I’ll ride my bike to your house. We can take a walk or something.”

  “Yes! There’s a park near my house. It’s on the main road at the top of the hill. I’ll meet you there.” She wiped her eyes, and her smile lit up the dreary hallway.

  “Ten o’clock.” I leaned over and brushed my lips on hers. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” She turned and skipped into her class.

  MARCH 29

  For once giving Dad the silent treatment had an advantage. Usually it meant missing out on great takeout food or choosing a movie to rent. Tonight it allowed me to hide in my room right after dinner. I left just to take a shower.

  My towel hung over the shower-curtain bar since the towel rack I’d snatched off the wall yesterday was propped up behind the door. We’d have to talk about that at some point. I hoped not tonight.

  At nine fifty, I stuffed pillows and balled up a blanket under my comforter to mirror a person sleeping. It looked as fake as it did in movies. But what the hell, if he realized I was gone, I’d be busted whether a lumpy imposter was there or not.

  I turned off my lights, opened the window, and climbed out. Good thing we had a one-story house. I had no experience sneaking out, but it was obvious being quiet was key. Our garage door made a lot of noise when it opened, so after school I hid my bike in the bushes. I hopped on and rode to the park near Khory’s house as fast as my legs would allow.

  The park was easy to find. At the top of the hill, just like she said. The lamppost helped. I coasted to the mini-playground, leaned my bike against the metal fence, and sat at the picnic table. Jude would love to crawl around the fort and one day climb up the rocket ship.

  In the beam of a streetlight, I saw her running toward me, backpack bouncing on her back. I met her halfway, then hugged and kissed her. Electric currents flew through me. It was the contact our bodies made, and the thrill of our secret meeting in the dark.

  We walked to the table and straddled the bench.

  “I brought my math books just in case we actually decided to study.” But the smirk on her face told me
she didn’t care about the midterm. She took the backpack off and dropped it on the ground.

  “So, what did you tell your parents?” I asked.

  “We haven’t really talked much since Saturday night, except for Dad lecturing me, so it wasn’t strange that I locked myself in my room. What about you?”

  “Same, but I did make one of those body pillows in case he decided to check on me.”

  She laughed. The lamppost highlighted the red shine in her hair.

  “I thought this might be a fun place for you to take Jude.”

  “You think my Dad will ever let me babysit again? Doubtful.”

  I gasped. She had to babysit. I already checked that off my list. It was getting too close to find a new babysitter.

  “Maybe if my dad talks to yours again, he’ll agree,” I said. “Or maybe at your house.”

  She shrugged, then her shoulders drooped. I took her hands, pulled her to me, and ran my hand through her hair. Soft and silky. I forced the list from my mind, leaned closer, and kissed her. She opened her mouth, and my tongue found hers. My other hand reached for her breast as her hand slid across my thigh. I was calm and energized at the same time. I moved my hand under her shirt. Jolts of electricity shot through me.

  She let out a little squeak. I moaned. A car engine rumbled.

  Khory pushed me away. Headlights passed the park’s entrance and continued down the road.

  “Cars can’t see us this far from the road,” I said.

  “I know. I thought it might be my parents.” She sighed. “So, when are you going to Schenectady?”

  The magic was gone. Thanks, Mr. Price.

  “I don’t know yet. Why?”

  “Maybe I wasn’t kidding earlier. Maybe I’ll go with you.”

  As exhilarating as these few minutes were, I couldn’t let myself dream about that kind of happily ever after again. I wasn’t Prince Charming. I wasn’t capable of rescuing anyone. Let’s be honest, I wasn’t nearly as lucky as Shrek.

  “How much is a plane ticket?” she asked.

  “You can’t go,” I said.