A Coyote's in the House

by Elmore Leonard

  Then you'll never make it as a coyote, Antwan said. We love garbage, movie stars' the best.

  He told Miss Betty about the change in Buddy, how he was keeping to himself and watching his old movies. Miss Betty said, I know, and Antwan could tell she felt sorry for the old German dog. As they say in showbiz, he's over the hill, Miss Betty said. His name doesn't sell tickets anymore.

  Like coyotes that get too old to hunt, Antwan said, and just lie around.

  If he could act in movies again, Miss Betty said, he'd be a happy dog. You know, he only wants to be a coyote because he's bored. And he's bored because he's not acting.

  Wait now that didn't make sense to Antwan.

  You think pretending to be somebody else is better than being who you are?

  What you do becomes your life, Miss Betty said, and that's who you are. He caught a glimpse of her snooty look again, like she knew everything, the showgirl saying now, That's what you're doing, isn't it?

  Only to help Buddy get out of the house, Antwan said. There's no way I want to become a dog, live trapped like this? I'd bite off a paw to get out.

  You could've fooled me, Miss Betty said.

  The day the groomer arrived in her Pooch Caboose and parked in the driveway, there was even more of a change in Betty.

  Buddy went in first. He came out in thirty minutes looking the same. Betty went in. She came out in an hour looking pretty much the same, but smelling like the mom when the mom got dressed up to go out. It hid her real smell.

  Ready? Buddy said to Antwan. It's your turn.

  No, he wasn't ready. He'd never had a bath in his life, or even knew what a bath was. He went in the Pooch Caboose a coyote and came out forty minutes later feeling like, not quite a bitch, but a girlish dog.

  It's amazing, Betty said, with a look on her face Antwan had never seen before. You look different, not quite, you know, so wild. Mmmmm and you smell she began to grin good enough to eat.

  It got Antwan thinking that the Pooch Caboose wasn't a bad deal. He thought the groomer in there was going to drown him, but her hands felt good rubbing him, and he got used to the scissors sniffing at him from nose to tail.

  He said, You don't think I look funny?

  Check it out, Miss Betty said, now and then sounding like him.

  They went inside the house to a full-length mirror and Antwan looked at himself, Miss Betty watching. He saw a coyote in the mirror that looked close enough to be taken for any coyote he'd ever seen.

  He said to her, What looks different about me?

  She said, You were shampooed, combed out, trimmed, scented, your Timmy collar shined It didn't turn me into a dog.

  I said you don't look as wild, that's all.

  But what's different?

  I just told you.

  I can see I'm still a coyote. How have I changed? Maybe it's just something I feel, Miss Betty said, that we've become more alike.

  Uh-unh, Antwan said, we can't be more different.

  Girl, you're tame and I'm wild, I run in the woods. She said, Have you ever thought of eating me? He said, No. Well, maybe for one second.

  You said you wanted to.

  I know, but I was just being friendly. I'd never been close to a showgirl before.

  Let me tell you something, Miss Betty said. Before any of us were showgirls as you call us, thinking you're cool and you look back at our ancestry I bet way back.

  What I'm trying to say is, my breed started out born retrievers. It's in our blood.

  Dressed like that, with the pom-poms?

  He couldn't get her to smile.

  She said, I'm doing something else now, shows, and it's an honor to be chosen.

  It's your life, Antwan said, so it's who you are. You told me that yourself.

  She said, All right, you want to run in the woods? Let's go run in the woods.

  You mean it?

  Yes, let's go.

  You'll feel your heart beating, Antwan said.

  Chapter Six.

  From a spot low on the hill Ramona could look down a ravine and see the house and most of the backyard. She had come here every day to watch for Antwan, hoping to see him jump the fence and run up the hill toward her. She was beginning to worry he was never coming home.

  Yesterday Cicero Crow had stopped by to ask about Antwan. Ramona told him her brother was still in the house. Don't they know he's a coyote?

  It's weird, Ramona said. I see him playing with the dogs, with the kids. One of 'em even pushed him in the swimming pool.

  What'd he do to the kid?

  Nothing. That's what's so weird.

  So you haven't mentioned the cat to him, Cicero said, Lola, the one they let out in the backyard alone. She's Persian I'm pretty sure. She might even be a show cat, 'cause whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

  What color is she?

  What difference does it make? They all taste the same. Antwan likes black cats the best.

  'Cause he's reckless, likes to push his luck, Cicero said. This one's pure white with a little pink nose and those tiny ears they have. Walks around the yard looking like cotton candy with legs. I'll see you, little mama, Cicero said and flew off.

  Ramona stretched out again in the brush, holding her long-range coyote gaze on the house. She was learning to be patient and not move, let the rabbit or mouse nibble its way closer and then pounce before it caught your scent and freaked.

  She watched the mom and dad come out of the house with the kids and go to the garage. Ramona sat up. She watched the family drive off in their car. Just the family. The maid had left before. That meant Antwan was alone in the house with the big German dog and the stuck-up poodle. Ramona couldn't stand to watch her walk: like she was saying, Hey, everybody, look at me.

  Ramona was thinking now, What if they gang up on him? And no Diablos around when he needed them. She knew what she'd do if she was a Howling Diablo, she'd howl and get down there quick to help Antwan fight off the homeys.

  She was so sure her brother was in danger, Ramona howled and raced down the ravine, reached the alley and went over the fence, streaked for the house and then stopped in the yard as she saw the dog door swing open.

  First Antwan appeared.

  Now the show poodle came, doing her strut.

  Ramona, Antwan said, being cool, this is Miss Betty. Miss Betty, this is my little sister, Ramona. We were just going for a run in the woods. You like to come? hat was what they did, the three of them, ran across the side of the hill through the trees and brush sniffing, Antwan showing Miss Betty good places to sniff. Ramona wondering what was going on here. Miss Betty got to chase a rabbit, ran a long way after it zigging and zagging and came back empty, her tongue hanging out. Ramona heard her say to Antwan, You're right, you feel your heart beating.

  It told Ramona the two had spent time together talking about serious things.

  They came to Cicero Crow sitting on the low branch of a tree. Antwan saw him first. He told them to wait here while he talked to to the crow.

  Ramona said to Miss Betty, both of them watching Antwan, The crow's telling him about this beautiful cat they let loose in the yard by herself, a white Persian with a pink nose, trying to get by on her looks. You ever hear of such a thing?

  She waited for this Miss Betty to say something, Ramona still not looking at her. When she didn't answer, Ramona said, Antwan will snatch that cat before she can meow and have her for supper. Then gave Miss Betty a sly look. You like cats?

  I can't say I've ever had any as close friends, Miss Betty said.

  I mean to eat, Ramona said, but now didn't get an answer. Cicero was flying off, Antwan watching the direction he took before coming over to them.

  He says there's a cat I ought to see. Goes by the name of Lola and lives over that way.

  Miss Betty said, We have to be home before the family gets back.

  Ramona didn't like the way she said it, like it was Antwan's home, too. Antwan said, I'd just like to have a look at this cat Cicero's so pr
oud of finding.

  Miss Betty surprised Ramona then, the showy poodle saying, What if you took the cat, but not to eat it?

  It s e e m e d M i s s B e t t y had an idea, but wouldn't tell what it was until she thought about it some more. They came to the house where the cat lived and looked down at it from the side of the hill. It was in a canyon, a huge house that seemed part of the land, kind of a pinkish color, with different levels and wings and terraces sticking out, a sand castle that looked like it had grown there.

  Uh-oh, Ramona said, looking at the fence that enclosed the backyard: a chain-link fence at least ten feet high, topped with a coil of razor wire.

  Lola, her fluffy coat silvery in the sunlight, was lying in the grass, playing with it looked like a rubber mouse, a red one.

  Ramona said, That cat has to be worth a lot.

  Miss Betty said, I was hoping the same thing. Antwan said, I like black ones, but she'll do.

  Miss Betty frowned. Would you really eat her? Whatever he leaves, Ramona said, I'll finish. Antwan turned to Miss Betty. What do you have in mind?

  It doesn't matter, she said, looking at the fence around the yard. Lola's safe, since you can't get to her.

  You want to bet? Antwan said.

  Miss Betty was looking at him again in a way that bothered Ramona, this showy poodle acting like she knew everything, saying now, You think you could grab Lola without anyone seeing you?

  I do it all the time, Antwan said.

  And promise you won't eat her?

  Was she out of her mind? Ramona wondered if carrying all that fancy hair made it hard for Miss Poodle to think. She heard her brother ask, Why would I promise you that? Being nice. Instead of telling her to get lost.

  Bring the cat here, Miss Betty said sounding to Ramona like a smarty, so sure of herself and if you don't agree with what I have in mind for Lola, I'll even help you eat her.

  Some deal. But Antwan seemed to like it. He said, Be right back.

  They watched him take off through the trees and didn't see him again until he was down by the fence looking at Lola. Now they watched the cat with nothing to worry about walk over to Antwan and begin talking to him.

  She's telling him to forget it, Ramona said. Saying to Antwan, 'You ain't getting over this fence, so don't even think about it.' Am I right?

  Something like that, I suppose, Miss Betty said.

  See, I thought you and Lola were enough alike, Ramona said, you'd know what she's saying. You both being in shows and all.

  Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, Miss Betty said. I can't help it.

  It surprised Ramona, the truth of Miss Betty's words leaving her a bit stunned, and she didn't know what to say.

  Miss Betty was looking toward the yard again. She said, Where's Antwan? sounding worried about him.

  Ramona changed her voice to a friendlier tone saying, He went around to the other side of the house. You'll see him in a minute. As they waited, watching the house, Ramona said, You know I was kidding about you and the cat being alike.

  I know, Miss Betty said.

  I was being funny.

  Miss Betty said, I'm not trying to change your brother, so don't worry about it. If Antwan doesn't want to learn manners, so be it. Understand what I'm saying to you?

  Sounding like him a little. Maybe he was changing her.

  Ramona let it go, because now she saw Antwan and said, There he is, on the house. He must've jumped onto a low place on the other side.

  Now they caught glimpses of him moving from one level to another, leaping to a deck, running down steps to the terrace, over the railing and he was in the yard.

  Lola was taking it easy, playing with the rubber mouse again. You can tell she don't know about Antwan, Ramona said. Watch how quick he is. Lola smells him, looks up. Too late, he's got hold of her collar in his teeth. Now Lola's screaming for her kitty life as Antwan runs with her, that cat on a ride she won't ever forget. Look at him, on the terrace now and up the steps, leaps to that deck look at him goes up and over the roof with the cat. And there's the human coming out.. . . Now she's looking around. She heard Lola scream, but where was she? Calling to her now, 'Lola, where are you, honey?' Can't believe the cat's gone. She runs in the house. ... Now she's screaming at somebody maybe was supposed to be watching Lola. You can tell that woman don't know nothing about coyotes. Must've moved here from someplace they don't have any. Except our pack leader, Cletus, says we're everywhere 'cause we know how to stay alive. He says coyotes and crows could be the last ones left on earth account of our smart brains. Hey, here comes Antwan, like he's carrying a sack of cat hair.

  Antwan brought Lola over to them, unclenched his teeth and shook his head. Lola dropped to the ground stiff-legged, her back humped. Antwan nosed at her and took the paw she threw at him in his mouth. He licked it, let go of it and said to Lola, Now settle down. We have to decide if you get et or not. He looked at Miss Betty. Now what?

  You weren't seen, were you?

  No, he wasn't seen. Ramona scowling. You could see how that human was looking every which way but up at the house.

  Lola looking from one to the other with big eyes.

  So she won't believe a coyote could have snatched her cat.

  She won't even think of it, Ramona said. Nobody will.

  Would Lola leave home by herself? Run away? If she's stupid.

  Lola meowed a pitiful sound.

  Antwan listened, waiting for the right question. He already had an idea where this was going.

  Miss Betty said, So what will they think happened to Lola?

  There it was.

  She was kidnapped by bad guys, Antwan said, and saw Miss Betty smile.

  She said, You saw the movie.

  Antwan nodded. Buddy and the Kidnappers. He had seen the picture with Buddy lying on the floor in the family room. Buddy rescues a famous dog entertainer from the kidnappers, Antwan said, a little Chihuahua named Pedro.

  Yes, and Buddy carries him by the collar during the escape, Miss Betty said, the same way you brought Lola here.

  Who does Buddy rescue her from?

  Us. We keep her a few days and then Buddy takes her back home.

  We pass up a good nourishing meal, Antwan said, just to cheer Buddy up?

  It's been a long time, Miss Betty said, since Buddy's acted like himself. Yes, I want to cheer him up. Buddy's a good old guy. I want to make him a hero again.

  Wait a minute, Ramona said, looking up from sniffing Lola, Lola cringing. Where you gonna hide her? We take her up to the dens, she'd be et in two minutes.

  Antwan, grinning, said, Can you imagine explaining it to Cletus? 'No sir, you can't eat her. We have to keep her for this kidnapping thing we're putting on.' Antwan said to Miss Betty then, You gonna hide her in the house?

  In my closet. I'm sure I can keep her quiet.

  Show her your trophies, Antwan said and paused for a moment. Will Buddy know she's there?

  That's a good question, Miss Betty said. Once we show him Lola and tell him the plan, he might not go for it. Why not?

  Buddy has his pride. And he's not a hero if it's a hoax. Antwan said, That's all actors do.

  This is different, Miss Betty said. We have to decide, do we tell him or not?

  Chapter Seven.

  BY the time A n t w a n and Miss Betty had sent Ramona home and got back to the house with Lola only minutes before the family car pulled into the garage they had decided not to tell Buddy their scheme to make him a hero.

  I'm afraid, Miss Betty said, he'll refuse to have anything to do with it. But then you'll want to have Lola for supper and I can't bear to see that happen.

  Then don't look, Antwan said.

  Wrong. He should've learned by now Miss Betty didn't think he was funny.

  We have to work it, she said now, so Buddy actually believes he's saved the cat's life. But how?

  There was a lot to think about to make the scheme work.

  The first thing they had to do was get Lo
la upstairs and into the closet without Buddy smelling the cat and causing an uproar. Antwan checked on him and came back to the kitchen.

  Guess what movie he's watching? Antwan grinning. Buddy and the Kidnappers. Honest. You don't believe me, go look. Buddy raised his head and sniffed, just once, and went back to watching himself on the screen, Buddy saving little Pedro from the bad guys.

  They got Lola upstairs before the family came home, but then had to worry about the kids, especially Courtney, coming into Miss Betty's room when Lola was out of the closet. We can't keep her in there all day, Miss Betty said. I've heard cats can see in the dark. Still, the poor kitty could die of fright.

  Antwan's eyes brightened. If she does, better tell me right away so I can dispose of the remains.

  Miss Betty scolded him saying, Think about making this work instead of worrying about your stomach for a change. She said she'd keep her bedroom door closed; if she heard anyone in the hall she'd shoo Lola into the closet quick. The only one who might smell her was Buddy, but he hardly ever came in the room.

  I just thought of something, Antwan said. What's she gonna eat?

  Kibbles, Miss Betty said, like everybody else. Or those meat-flavored treats. Though she might not eat junk food.

  Where's she go to the bathroom?

  Bring up some newspapers.

  I heard cats use something else.

  A litter box, Miss Betty said, but we don't happen to have one. Go and get the newspapers while I talk to Lola and get her settled.

  So yo u ' r e i n kitty-cat shows, huh? And you're the famous Miss Betty, Lola said, looking at the display of trophies and photographs. Well, I've won way more than you. Sixteen red ribbons.

  You mean, Miss Betty said, you're the best looking cat in the show? With that little pug face? You don't even have a nose. See mine? Nice and long and has that handsome black sniffer on the end? Honey, this is a nose.