Lies and Lullabies

by Sarina Bowen

  Kira followed me, closing the door against mosquitoes.

  “Here.” I grabbed a fine-tipped sharpie off the desk, the kind I often carried in my pockets in Seattle, for signing autographs. “Give me your hand.”

  She raised it, and I wrote my cell phone number on the edge of her palm.

  “Oh my God, that tickles,” she said, just the same way the groupies always did.

  Carefully, I wrote out the digits of my number. On groupies’ hands, I always signed my name. If the girl was especially hot, I might add my hotel room number. I shoved these thoughts out of my head and capped my pen. “It will be weird having cell phone service again.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed. Then she stared at me, and we endured our only awkward silence of the entire summer.

  “What?” I finally whispered.

  Her gaze became shifty. “Actually, I have the weirdest favor to ask.” She cleared her throat, and then began speaking rapidly. “You can totally say no. I won’t be even a little bit offended. Actually, I feel bad asking, because I know you were staying away from women as, like, a personal challenge. And you might decide to ask your ex to take you back…”

  Even with that clue, I had no idea what she was about to say.

  “…and you may not be attracted to me at all. But since you’re leaving anyway, I thought I’d ask, so here goes. I wondered if you would…” She lost some of her nerve, and asked the rest of the question to her shoes. “…make love to me? Just as a favor. Because I’ve read that after a—” She cleared her throat. “Well, to try it again, you’re supposed to be with someone who makes you feel really safe.”

  To say that her request blew my mind was a serious understatement. I was so startled that I had to replay her words in my head just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood.

  Kira wanted to have sex with me?

  Before I could answer, a new shower of mortified words began to rush out. “I’m sorry. This is totally embarrassing,” she gasped. “That’s why I waited this long to ask you. And you haven’t ever tried… But that’s part of the reason I asked, honestly. I trust you. You haven’t spent the summer trying to get into my pants. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Kira…”

  “God, you must think I’m insane.”

  “Kira…”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Kira,” I repeated, my mind reeling. “Stop apologizing.”

  “Okay. I’m going to go now.” She bolted toward the door.

  “Wait!” I lunged, catching her hand. “Come here,” I choked out. She was still leaning toward the door, so I stepped in front of her and wrapped her into a hug. “You can be sure that I wanted to.”

  “What?” she asked against my shoulder.

  “I wanted to get you out of your clothes. But I didn’t try.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I was using self-control for the first time in my whole damned life.” And after last night’s revelation, I was ridiculously glad. Any other time in my life, I would have tried to get her naked right away. But I hadn’t done that, and by happenstance, I’d helped an amazing person feel a little bit better.

  “So you won’t do it?” Her voice cracked. “I should never have asked. I just made everything weird, didn’t I?”

  I stood very still, wracked by indecision. And—let’s face it—lust. Merely holding her against me was making me crazy. It was all too easy to picture myself removing Kira’s clothes item by item. And then laying her down on the bed—

  Jesus. Too tempting by half. But I’d spent the whole summer trying not to think with my dick, and I didn’t want to start now.

  I sighed. “I don’t know, sweetness. You might regret it. Your high school guy is coming back from the army. He should be your safe person.”

  She pulled out of my embrace. “You’d think. But I haven’t seen him in two years, so it’s not business as usual. And I’m afraid he’s going to come back with his own set of issues. All of the guys returning from the Middle East do. And then if I also have issues…” She swallowed. “Before I potentially get into that position with him, I want to know if it’s something I can actually do. I’ve thought about all of this. So many times. And you and I… It’s just so easy between us. That’s how I got this crazy idea in the first place.”

  “It’s not crazy,” I whispered, reaching for her again. God knows I’d indulged in the fantasy a few times already. I’d always felt vaguely guilty afterwards.

  She cleared her throat. “It was wrong of me, though, to ask you to stomach it. Maybe touching someone who’s been…” She shuddered. “I mean, I went to the hospital… He wore a condom. They got no DNA. I got tested, too. But it was an icky thing to ask you to do.”

  “Hey.” My gut gave a twist, and I reached up to take her face in my hands. “That is not true.” I kissed her forehead. “You are dead sexy. And I practically had to duct tape my hands together all summer to stop myself from showing you how true that is.”

  Her eyes were sad when she looked up at me. “I wish I believed you.”

  “Hell.” My pulse already felt thready, and my head spun with uncertainty. “Kira, are you sure you’re ready to try? Because if you’re not… It won’t be fun for you.” And it wouldn’t be fun for me, either. No matter that I’d spent the summer staring at those long, tanned legs. If she cried in my bed, I would feel terrible.

  Her gaze was level. “Everybody is different. But it’s been almost a year. And sometimes when I can hear your guitar at night, I can’t sleep.”

  “Oh.” I grinned to cover up the pain she’d just inflicted in me. “So you’re attracted to my guitar playing.” Didn’t that just figure.

  “No. I can hardly hear it. But I know you’re awake, and I can picture your hands on the strings. And then I picture them on me. That’s how I know I’m finally feeling better. Because the idea of it makes me want to…”

  My groin tightened. “What?”

  “Touch you, too.” She turned her head away, embarrassed.

  I tipped my head back, letting out a hot breath. Fucking hell. There was no way I would turn her down. Seriously. All I could hope for now was that I wouldn’t fuck everything up somehow.

  Catching Kira’s downcast chin in my palm, I eased her pretty face closer to mine. Tonight her eyes were the color of a stormy sky. “Let’s try something,” I whispered. And I finally did the thing I’d spent the entire summer avoiding—I leaned down and skimmed my lips gently across hers.

  For a moment, I froze there at the corner of her sweet mouth, still hampered by uncertainty. Believe it or not, it was difficult to cross the line I’d worked so hard to maintain.

  But then Kira made a soft sound of yearning, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I tilted my head to perfect our connection, taking the softness of her mouth against my own.

  Mmm. Our kiss was sweeter and slower than I usually went for. But no less hot. Before I knew it, I was tracing her lips with my tongue—the same lips I’d been staring at for three months—and a low groan escaped from my throat.

  She opened for me, and I was a goner, tasting her for the first time. She tasted of summer, and of good beer and happy times.

  With a whimper, she leaned even closer, bringing her breasts against my chest. And all my reservations flew away on the cool evening breeze. Locking my arms around her, I took my time tasting her, our lips sliding together, our tongues slow-dancing. I wove my fingers into her hair, only to find that the texture was even softer than I’d imagined. As I stroked her delicate jaw with my thumb, our kiss went on and on.

  And Kira was right there with me, her hands wandering, her body warm and hungry against mine.

  All right. Those were good signs, although my awareness was dialed up to eleven. My cock had its own ideas, straining against my shorts. I ached to slide my hands down her body, cup her ass, pull her even more tightly against me. I wanted to hurry her out of her clothes.

  But I kept myself in check. The sad reason behind th
is tryst filtered through my lust-filled haze, and I found the will to ease up.

  Go slow, I coached myself. Slower than you’ve ever gone. I stepped back, breaking our kiss. I left my forehead tipped against Kira’s. “Never thought I’d get to do that,” I rasped.

  “Me neither.”

  I took a deep, slow breath, reining myself in. And then I took her hand in mine, slowly guiding it down to the thickening bulge in my shorts. I placed her palm over my erection, then watched her reaction.

  If I was expecting fear, there wasn’t any. In fact, her eyes burned brighter. “Really? Is that a yes?” She sucked in a breath but didn’t take away her hand. “The flip side is, if it doesn’t work, I’ll leave you like this.”

  Hell, that wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list of reasons why this was a bad idea. “I don’t care about that. But Kira, if you’re not ready…” Shit. “I really don’t want to be the guy who scares you. That’s selfish, but it’s true.”

  Nose to nose, she studied me. And while she did that, she moved her palm slowly up my fly, and then down again. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to avoid groaning.

  “Please?” she asked. “I think it will be okay.”

  I caught her exploring hand in my own. It was almost impossible to believe that this was really happening. I studied her eyes one more time, and they were just as clear and warm as every other time I’d gazed at her.

  “Okay.” Of course I said yes. “How do you want this to go down? You need to tell me exactly what you want to happen.” I smoothed her hair away from her cheek.

  Her face was already flushed from all that kissing, and she stumbled on her words. “I didn’t… I hadn’t thought that far ahead. We just need to go slow.”

  “Sure. But…” I looked around. “Lights on or off? You need to be comfortable.”

  “So do you.”

  I gave her a quick kiss. “I’m easy.” She really had no idea. With a beautiful girl in my room, I found it much harder to stay clothed than to get naked.

  “Well…” She walked over to the lamp on the bedside table and turned it on, then she went back to the wall switch, shutting off the overhead. “As long as I can see your face, I don’t think I’ll be scared.”

  That was a sobering statement, and my heart gave a squeeze. Was I a good enough man to be somebody’s safe person? Me? I wasn’t exactly short-listed for any humanitarian awards.

  With an even tighter rein on my libido, I sat down on the bed. “This is going to work best if you make all the first moves. And we need a safe word. When you need a break, what are you going to say?”

  “Stop?” She walked over to stand right in front of me.

  I shook my head and smiled up at her. “Too easy to confuse with don’t stop. So ‘oh God’ is no good either.”

  Her flush deepened. “How about ‘wait’?”

  “‘Wait,’” I repeated. “Alright. Now come and get me.” I guided one of her hands to my shirt buttons. “Go on. You’re making this happen.”

  I looked down to watch as she tentatively fingered the first button. “This is weird for me,” she whispered. “It’s been a long time.”

  “Hey.” I reached around to give her a playful little pinch on the bottom. “Whose idea was this? Keep going. You need to be the one in control.” Not only would that keep me from rushing her, it just made good sense. If she initiated every move, there was no way I could accidentally freak her out.

  And truly, I’d rather have third-degree blue balls than frighten Kira. If she ended up having a panic attack in my arms, it would slay me.

  Her eyes flickered to mine again. Then she glanced down at her work, a sly smile on her lips. Her fingers fumbled on the buttons, and my heart squeezed again. There was a sweet awkwardness here that was unfamiliar to me. But I guess that was to be expected when you already cared for someone you’d never been naked with. So this was normal, right?

  But… bloody hell, had I never been in this situation? It had been years, anyway, since I’d waited longer than a few drinks to sleep with someone.

  Wow. How was that even possible?

  “Do I have to do all the work here?” she asked as my shirt finally slipped off my shoulders. She was standing over me, her gaze caressing my bare chest.

  In answer, I gathered the hem of her T-shirt, and with a glance into her eyes to be sure that it was okay, I lifted it cautiously over her head. She wore a plain white bra underneath, and in my opinion it hid too much of her. Slowly, I leaned forward to put my lips on her sternum. With gentle fingers, I reached around to unclasp her bra in the back.

  It fell away, and her beautiful breasts were right there at eye level. I’d been picturing them all summer long, and now here they were, rosy nipples hardening in the night air. I eased her body closer to mine, my chin between her breasts. I tilted back, looking up into her face. “Are we still good?” I whispered.

  “Very good.” Her eyes were wide, looking down at me with something like wonder.

  This is a privilege. I formed that thought even as I cupped one of her breasts in my hand, turning my face to flick my tongue across her nipple. “I’m glad I shaved,” I said into the soft swell of her breast.

  “Oh,” she said quietly, her body tipping towards mine. Her hand fisted my too-long hair as I slowly kissed her breast. She wasn’t afraid of me. I could tell by the way she melted into my body.

  Her skin was velvet to my touch. I slid one palm down to her belly, pausing to admire the pretty taper of her waist. When I rested my fingers on the button of her shorts, she didn’t flinch. “Is it time to remove these?” I whispered, tracing a lazy circle over her tummy.

  “Okay,” she answered. “But then you have to take yours off. I can’t be the only one undressed.”

  “That’s really not a problem for me.” I chuckled. Then I dropped Kira’s shorts to the floor, and her panties with them.

  Damn. Kira naked. This was the one beautiful Maine view that I never thought I’d see.

  For a moment, I could only stare at the sleek curve of her hips, and the trim little triangle of hair between her tan legs.

  It was too overwhelming to stay there, eye level with her chest. So I stood, popping the button on my shorts, pushing them down. I dropped them onto the floor, along with my boxer briefs. Naked myself now, my arousal kicked up another notch.

  Easy, I coached myself. Slow.

  Lying down, I positioned myself on my back. For a long moment, Kira only stared at my body. I saw her swallow roughly, and just as I began to wonder if she was going to back out, she moved quickly, sliding onto the bed beside me. Instinctively, I rolled closer.

  She stiffened. “Wait. I’m not ready.”

  Jonas, you asshole. As quickly as if I’d been stung, I rolled away, lying beside her again on the bed. I made sure to put a few inches between us, not touching her at all. Then I took one of her smooth hands in mine, drawing it up to my lips to kiss her knuckles. “I know that, sweetness. We’re just warming up, here, okay?”

  “Okay,” she breathed.

  “In fact, there’s not going to be any sex until the moment you say so. Got it?”

  “Yeah.”

  I closed my eyes and counted silently to ten. I opened them again, taking measure of her gaze. Those beautiful gray eyes were steady. “For now, we’re only going to make out. So come here and kiss me.” I smiled at her as calmly as I could manage, even as my heart rate soared. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted that so damned badly it hurt.

  As commanded, Kira scooted closer. I cupped her sweet jaw in one hand and kissed her. When I felt her tongue probe my mouth again, and her body relax into my kisses, I pulled back once more, squeezing her hand. “Now, you put my hand wherever I’m allowed to touch you.”

  Kira blew out a little nervous breath, and then brought my fingertips onto her breast.

  “Mmm…” I said against her tongue as my palm cupped the soft swell. I slid my thumb over her nipple, and it pebbled under my touch. We kis
sed, and I let my hand stroke her smooth breast. I’d waited so long for this moment, and I hadn’t even allowed myself to hope that it would arrive.

  With a small sigh, Kira gave my hand a little shove farther down her body. I let my palm rest precisely where she’d put it—right over her belly button. I did not even spread my fingers. Instead, I only deepened our kiss, sliding my tongue over hers until Kira purred with delight.

  She gave my hand another push. Again, I applied a strict interpretation of the law, smoothing my fingers over her hips, dusting just past the top of her mound. When I did it again, not quite touching the good stuff, she gave a little huff of frustration.

  “Is this okay now?” I asked, smiling against her lips, sliding one finger slowly between the petals of her body.

  Her answer was to moan into my mouth, which made me chuckle. She was so responsive. Already slippery with desire. When I touched her, she arched in for more. Sweetness. My heart rate kicked up a notch. And when I eased her onto her back, it was with hands that had begun to shake with anticipation.

  Go slow, I reminded myself again. But it sure wasn’t easy. Bending over her body, I skimmed my lips down her neck and chest. Pausing at her breast, I flattened my tongue against her nipple. That earned me a gasp of delight, and I worshipped her breasts as my fingers stroked between her legs. She gave a happy moan as I slid down to begin kissing and nibbling on her hip. Slowly, I nosed towards her sex.

  “Oh,” she panted. “You really don’t have to do that.”

  I paused, stroking her with my thumb. “But I want to taste you,” I said quietly. I dipped my chin to give her a single lick up the center of her sex, and she gasped with excitement. “This will relax you. And if it doesn’t, say ‘wait.’”

  Spoiler: Kira never said “wait.”

  I kissed her senseless, my tongue stirring lazily over her pussy. There was nothing better than this. I had a beautiful girl writhing against my lips, arching her back with a low, sexy moan. And I had the perfect view up her sleek body, the curves undulating like waves in the Pacific. And the sounds she made were a richer melody than I could ever write.