Lies and Lullabies

by Sarina Bowen

  “Ah.” He smiled. “Then how is this hard? I can take care of her, Kira. I’m not saying that I’m a natural. But I promise to text you if I have questions. And Vivi is so quick, she’ll tell me if I’m fucking up.”

  I had to smile, because it was true. “No f-bombs, for starters.”

  He smiled back at me, and that smile could power the Eastern Seaboard. No wonder women threw their underwear at him. “Noted.”

  With a resigned sigh, I dug my keys out of my pocket. “This is the outer door. And these two are for the apartment. Top and bottom locks. If you guys get hungry, the take-out menus are in a kitchen drawer. Vivi knows where.”

  “What does she like to eat?”

  “Everything. Indian, as long as it’s not too spicy. Chinese. Pizza.”

  “Really? What a fun kid.”

  “She is,” I whispered.

  With another smile that practically turned me to a liquid, he picked up the stuffed horse, tucking it under his arm. “What’s your friend’s name, and which door am I knocking on?”

  When Jonas had left, I took a minute to check on Adam. He was sleeping peacefully, his hands relaxed at his sides. His breath made a faint whistle each time he exhaled. I wanted to put a hand through his hair, just touching him to reassure myself that he was okay. But I didn’t want to disturb his sleep.

  So I sat down on the hard little plastic chair beside his bed and took out my phone. I dialed my friend’s number and spoke softly when Kathy answered. “Adam is doing fine,” I assured my friend when she asked. “But there’s been a little change of plans. Vivi’s father is on his way over to pick her up.”

  A shriek came through the phone. “Say what?”

  The volume made me wince. “Yeah. He’s… back in our lives all of a sudden. I haven’t wanted to talk about it until I was sure.”

  “You know,” my friend dropped her voice, probably so that the girls wouldn’t hear her. “Vivi told me that she met her daddy, and I’m ashamed to say that I thought it was just a fantasy.”

  A fantasy was a good word for it. I still wasn’t quite sure that he was here for good. “Well, it’s true. And in fifteen minutes, when a guy knocks on your door, that’s him.”

  “What does he look like?”

  “Well… do you know the band Hush Note?”

  “Sure?”

  “He looks a lot like the lead singer. Also, he’s carrying a big stuffed horse.”

  There was a brief silence on the line. “He looks like a rock star? No wonder you had a kid at twenty-one. I’ll try not to drool.”

  Good luck with that. “Thank you, by the way,” I said. “I really appreciate your help today.”

  “Any time, Kira. Vivi is a doll. I’m going to go stand in the living room now, looking for a hot guy with a stuffed horse.”

  “You can’t miss him.”

  A half hour later, I received a text from Kathy: WTF?

  A moment later, I received another. WT everloving F?

  I replied: I guess you met Jonas. Vivi was happy to leave with him?

  My phone vibrated, and when I answered, Kathy’s squeal was high-pitched. “I cannot believe how badly you’ve been holding out on me. Thanks for the warning. I just became a babbling idiot when he walked in here. I don’t think I even pronounced my own name right after I opened my door to a rock star.”

  “Sorry,” I whispered. “I haven’t figured out how to talk about him yet.”

  “Figure it out, girl. Because… Jesus Christ.”

  “Was…” I cleared my throat. “Did Vivi have any issues with seeing him?”

  “Vivi is over the moon. ‘My daddy is here!’ You should have seen her. Or maybe not, actually. Up till now you were spared the daddy obsession that both my little girls have. And this for a man who can barely take care of himself, let alone his own children. So I guess you’re in for the same.”

  “I guess,” I agreed.

  “We are due for a girls’ night out, lady. You have a few stories to tell me.”

  “But the story isn’t all that interesting, Kath. Girl meets boy. Girl throws herself at boy with inadequate birth control. There’s a reason I don’t talk about him.”

  On the other end of the line, Kathy gave a deep chuckle. “That’s a shame, because I think the two of you would look really cute together. He’s never been married, right?”

  “And probably never will be,” I said quickly.

  A groan came from the bed beside me.

  “I’ve got to go. Thanks for your help today. I owe you.”

  “You don’t owe me a thing for the babysitting. You owe me big for the lack of detail.”

  I snorted. “Okay, as soon as things quiet down, we’ll find a night to go out.”

  “I’ll hold you to it.”

  After we disconnected, I looked my brother over. His eyes were still closed, but he had a grimace on his face. I put a hand on his forehead. “Are you okay?”

  “Kira,” he croaked.

  “I’m here. Are you in pain?”

  “Some,” he said, opening his eyes.

  “They set you up with this pump.” I showed him the cord. “You just press this button whenever you need a hit of the painkiller.”

  “Fancy,” Adam said, pinching the button. His eyes fluttered closed again. “I hate hospitals.”

  “I know.” I took his hand again.

  “Just want to get dressed and go home,” he said.

  “Tomorrow,” I promised.

  “Where’s Vivi?”

  “With Jonas, if you can believe it.”

  Adam’s eyes popped open again. “Oh! He was here, wasn’t he?”

  “Yeah.”

  My brother smiled. “You’re letting him babysit. That’s so adventurous of you.”

  “I know.” I smiled back at him. “It’s killing me.”

  He kept smiling even as his eyes drifted closed. “She’ll be fine, Kira. It’s… nice. And it’s nice that you’re here with me. Thank you.”

  I rested my cheek on the edge of the mattress and held Adam’s hand tightly. “You’re so welcome, sweetie. Anytime.”

  I thought he’d fallen asleep. But a minute later, he spoke again. “Please don’t move to Seattle right away.”

  “What? Who’s moving?”

  “Mr. Hottie is going to take you both. Just don’t let it be too soon…” Then Adam fell asleep for real, his mouth going slack.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I promised. I had no interest in living in Seattle. And it’s not like anyone had asked me to.

  Twenty-Four

  Kira

  I sat with Adam as long as I dared. He was in and out of sleep. I answered his phone a couple of times, as coworkers called to make sure everything had gone smoothly.

  At eight o’clock, though, I kissed his sleeping forehead goodnight and headed home.

  I splurged on a taxi to get home quickly, but of course there was mad traffic in Back Bay. “What a rookie move,” I whispered as we inched along Beacon Street. I shoved my phone in my pocket, willing myself not to text Jonas again like a nervous freak.

  At six I’d allowed myself a casual “how’s everything going?” text. In reply, I’d received a picture of a smiling Vivi, seated in her dining chair, shoving a piece of what looked like naan bread into her mouth.

  It was smart of Jonas to send me that proof-of-life photo, the sort that kidnappers sent with their ransom demands. In truth, my little girl looked happy as a clam. I could only imagine what Vivi negotiated for a dinner order. No vegetables, Daddy. Those’ll kill me. And what are we having for dessert?

  In the interest of appearing mostly sane, I’d restrained myself from calling or texting again. But now it was past Vivi’s bedtime, and she was probably having a meltdown. Jonas was likely at his wits’ end, trying to charm her out of a tantrum.

  If he was smart, he’d let her watch Frozen on his phone.

  After thrusting money at the driver, I leapt out of the cab when it stopped on my corner
. At the door, I realized I didn’t have my keys. Jonas did.

  I gave the buzzer the barest of taps, in case Vivi was conked out in the living room.

  A moment later the lock released, and I skipped the elevator in favor of dashing up the stairs. When I reached my apartment, the door was ajar, waiting for me. Quietly, I pushed it open and tiptoed inside.

  But neither of the two people in the living room was a sleepy four-year-old girl.

  “Dad,” I said, shock in my voice. “What are you doing here?”

  In my wildest dreams, I never expected to find my father sitting opposite Jonas, the two of them holding bottles of Sam Adams. My father was watching the baseball game on what must have been Jonas’s iPad.

  Slowly, my father lifted his eyes from the screen. “What a nice greeting, Kira,” he quipped. He took a casual sip of his beer, as if it were the most normal thing in the world to hang out in our living room with my secret lover who was also Vivi’s daddy.

  I dropped my handbag onto the little entryway table, trying to get a sense of the vibe in the room. The two men looked oddly comfortable, and I didn’t know what to make of it. “Dad. You never come to Boston. I thought you hated it here.”

  My father’s expression sagged. “I know I complain about Boston. But today I thought you and Adam might need me.”

  Jonas had remained silent during this little exchange. I risked a glance at him, and he gave me a wink.

  “I’m sorry if I didn’t keep you in the loop,” I said to my father. “But I didn’t know if Adam told you about his surgery or not. If he was keeping a lid on it, I didn’t want to blab.”

  My father set his beer down and faced me. “He emailed me last night to tell me what was going on. He said everything was probably going to go smoothly, but I should call you tonight to check in. Just in case.”

  “But you drove down,” I whispered.

  My father smiled. “I did.”

  “And… I see you’ve met Jonas.”

  My father leaned back in his chair and returned his eyes to the baseball game. “Yes, I have. So I guess now would be a good time to ask whether you and your brother have any more news to share with me?”

  I swallowed hard. “I guess you’re all caught up now.”

  My father snorted.

  “I’m going to peek at Vivi,” I said, needing a moment to myself. “Did she go to sleep willingly?”

  “Of course,” my father said, which made Jonas chuckle. “Okay, willingly isn’t the right word. But she went, eventually. Many storybooks were read.” My father glanced toward Jonas. “By both of us.”

  Well. If one person could be counted on to act normally this week, it was Vivi. But this was the oddest moment in a month full of odd moments.

  Kicking off my shoes, I tiptoed down the hall, nudging open the door to Vivi’s bedroom. Even before my eyes had adjusted to the dark, I saw that Vivi had gone to sleep with her body smushed against the wall. Most of her narrow bed was occupied by the horse, which lay on its side, its head on the pillow.

  Slowly, I eased the horse off the mattress and set it on its plush hooves beside the bed. I pulled the covers up to Vivi’s shoulders and then watched my daughter take several slow, sleepy breaths.

  From his new spot in front of the bedside table, the plush horse looked like a sentry, guarding Vivi.

  All was well, then. Surprisingly well.

  In the living room, I could hear my father grousing about some minor Red Sox error. To Jonas. As if they’d been watching baseball games together for years.

  I can’t wait to tell Adam about this, I thought. And I was socked by a new little gust of concern for him. He was all alone in the hospital, disoriented and still in pain. Biting my lip, I walked back into the living room.

  Jonas patted the sofa cushion beside him. “Have a seat?”

  Feeling antsy, I walked over and perched on the edge of the couch beside him. “She had the horse in bed with her.”

  “That was part of our negotiation,” Jonas said.

  I couldn’t help but smile. “I wish I could have seen her face when you showed up with that thing.”

  “Yeah. I’m in good and solid now.” He crossed his feet on the coffee table, looking pleased with himself.

  “I’ll say,” my father agreed. “And for God’s sake, don’t do anything to imply that the horse isn’t real. She doesn’t like that.”

  “Don’t snub the horse,” Jonas added, and then both men laughed.

  They laughed. Together. How was that even possible?

  “What is she going to name it?” I asked.

  And now the two men cracked up. My father even dragged his eyes off the Sox to look over at Jonas and smile. “You tell her.”

  “Not a chance.”

  “What?” I asked, exasperated.

  My father grinned. “You know when kids learn a new word, and then they want to use it all the time? You named one of your dolls Cutlass when Mrs. Wetzle got a new Oldsmobile.”

  Jonas let out a bark of laughter, and my face flushed. “Did Vivi name the horse after a car? Because Subaru isn’t so bad.”

  Jonas and my father laughed again. It was as if the entire world was in on the joke, except for me. If I weren’t so baffled, I might be annoyed.

  “She called it…” Jonas broke off laughing.

  “The horse is…” My father threw his head back on a snort.

  “Testicle!” they both said, and then howled with laughter again.

  I groaned. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

  “Nope. Sorry,” Jonas said, wiping his eyes.

  “He’s the genius who taught her how to spell it,” my dad gasped.

  “Nooooo.” I giggled. Their giddiness was getting to me, too, and there was an edge of hysteria in my laughter. My stomach shook, and I had to lean over and brace my face in my hands.

  Still laughing, Jonas put one warm hand on my lower back. “Yeah, I didn’t see that coming. I suggested lots of horsier names. Spot. Brownie. Blaze. But she wouldn’t go for any of them.”

  “Figures.” I chuckled. But really, after all that had happened, a horse called Testicle wasn’t really so bad.

  “Did you eat?” Jonas asked.

  “No,” I admitted.

  “I saved you some chicken saagwala and rice.”

  “That sounds great,” I said, popping up off the sofa again.

  Jonas rose, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Sit. I’ll get it.” He walked out of the room toward the kitchen, as if he’d been here for years.

  “Well,” my father said.

  “Well,” I repeated.

  “It was quite a shock to hear Vivi say, ‘This is my daddy.’” My father pressed his lips together, as if a thousand other words might come pouring out if he didn’t.

  “I’ll bet it was.” I wouldn’t apologize, though. When I’d first told my father I was pregnant, he’d actually threatened to kill whomever was responsible. The scene had played out like a bad movie. In the hit parade of guilt that I’d carried these past few years, keeping the details from my father didn’t even make the Billboard Top 100.

  He sighed. “She looks just like him, doesn’t she?”

  “Sure does.” I fiddled with the piping on the edge of the sofa cushion. “He’s going to be around some. He wants to spend time with her.”

  At that, my father actually smiled. “And with you, I think.”

  My face got red, but I didn’t say a word. Whatever I decided, it was none of his business. Although it was hard to know how to handle this version of my father—the one who drove down from Maine to see his children. The one who wanted details.

  “I do worry about all of you,” he said quietly.

  “I see that,” I whispered. “But you aren’t always nice about it.”

  He shifted in his chair. “I’ve always been ten steps behind you two. It’s terrifying. It’s the same way I felt with your mother. I’ve spent the last ten years terrified that you’d also disappear on me f
or good.”

  Whoa. In the first place, I hadn’t heard my father mention my mother in more than a decade. And he’d said more about himself just now than he ever had before.

  “I want to help, but the two of you never listened to your old dad.”

  “You’ve been too hard on Adam,” I said immediately. And me.

  My father flinched. “I know. I still love him, though. Even if I can’t protect him from the difficult life he’s chosen.”

  “But he hasn’t! He’s just… Adam.” I wasn’t in any shape to make a cohesive argument about Adam’s sexuality. Then again, I wasn’t going to let my father off the hook. “That’s the way he was made. If you can’t accept that, you should stay in Maine. I’m not kidding.”

  He was silent for a long moment. “If I went to the hospital right now, would they throw me out?”

  I shook my head. “The night after surgery, one family member is allowed to sit beside him.”

  “Do you think he’d mind if I was there?”

  The question was a more humble one than I expected from him. “I don’t think he’d mind at all. All Adam has ever wanted from you was a little support. Sitting with him qualifies. Quietly, of course.”

  “Okay, then.” He stood up. “How do I find his room?”

  I hesitated. “The chair there is awful, Dad. You won’t be comfortable.”

  He shrugged. “I’ll stay for a couple of hours. Then I’ll come back here. If you lend me your keys, I won’t wake you or Vivi up.”

  “Oh. I… Jonas has them.”

  “Has what?” he asked, coming around the corner with a plate in one hand and a glass in the other.

  “My keys.” The sight of Jonas moving through my apartment so comfortably was startling. There were so many times when I’d pictured this. I’d craved one more easy night in his company. Just one simple moment, like we’d had all those summers ago.

  He handed me the plate, then drew my keys from his pocket.

  My father took them, heading for the door. “Leave a light on for me.”