Not If I Can Help It

by Carolyn Mackler

  “I totally understand,” Sandhya says. “We can definitely switch to unscented soaps. Also, if you think of other things, please tell me. I’ll ask Benji too. I know this is a big transition for you and your brother, and for Ruby too.”

  I go back to eating. The artichoke dip is really good. Most dips use mayonnaise, which tastes slimy in my throat, but this dip is made with tofu. Also, the artichokes are blended just right, not too chunky and not too soft.

  “When you say the way I am,” Sandhya says, scooping some dip onto a tortilla chip, “do you mean your sensory stuff?”

  My cheeks flush. I never, ever talk about Sensory Processing Disorder with people who aren’t my parents or Maureen.

  “Yeah,” I mumble. I crumple my napkin in one hand and reach for another.

  “It’s so interesting how your brain processes senses,” Sandhya says. “I can’t wait to learn more about you and help in any way I can.” She glances at the napkins in my fists. “I know this is something you keep private and I will honor that. I haven’t talked about it with Ruby, though I know she would understand and wouldn’t judge you.”

  I’m not sure if she’s asking for permission to tell Ruby. I quickly shake my head like no, no, no, no, no. It’s one thing to have a confession torn in half on a piece of paper and another entirely to share this incredibly personal, often painful thing that makes me different from anyone else I’ve ever met.

  Sandhya swirls her straw in her iced coffee. “Did you know that Ruby also struggles with things?”

  “Like what?” I ask. Except when she’s getting upset about graduation or having to pee all the time, she always seems so happy and easygoing.

  “Do you know what anxiety is?” Sandhya asks.

  I shrug. “Like being nervous?”

  Sandhya nods. “I’ve raised Ruby as a single mom since she was a baby. It’s always been the two of us, so a lot of nights she gets in my bed. She goes to sleep in her bed but wakes up and comes in. Ruby is excited about the marriage but she also tends to get anxious about certain things. As you can imagine, she’s worried about what will happen when we all move in together and I’m married to your dad and Ruby can’t climb in my bed anymore.”

  “Is that why she never wants to sleep over?” I ask.

  Sandhya nods. “She hates sleeping away from me. I’ve talked it over with Ruby and she said it’s okay if I tell you about her anxiety. She said it might even be a relief.”

  I nod, grateful that Ruby trusts me. “What about how she visits her dad in Michigan? She went over Christmas and she said she goes every summer.”

  Sandhya takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “It’s hard. There are lots of tears and lots of calls. We’ve had to cut some visits short, or I fly out there and stay with them.”

  I arrange my napkins in a pile and stick my finger in the middle. I had no idea all that was going on with Ruby. Whenever I’ve slept over at her apartment we stretch out in sleeping bags, giggling for hours.

  “I’m not saying you have to tell Ruby about your sensory stuff,” Sandhya goes on. “I’m just saying that everyone has things. Your dad and I are going to work hard, along with your mom and Bill and Ruby’s dad, to make sure that you and Benji and Ruby are all taken care of and that your individual needs are respected.”

  I smile at Sandhya. I like how she said that about her and Dad and Mom and Bill and even Ruby’s dad. Five adults watching over us makes me feel safe and protected.

  “Does Ruby know that I might live with my mom next year?” I ask. Dad told me that Sandhya knows it’s something we’re talking about. I haven’t decided anything yet, and I don’t have to for months. But it’s definitely on my mind.

  Sandhya shakes her head. “Not yet. No need to involve her in the conversation until we know more.”

  When we’re done eating, we pile the plates and cups onto the tray. As she carries it to the recycling area, I go to the bathroom, where I use the dryer until my hands are warm and my brain is quiet. As I’m walking out to meet Sandhya, I think about that ocean poster from the guidance counselor’s office. It said that in order to discover new lands you need to lose sight of shore. Maybe Ruby and I are a little lost at sea right now. But we don’t need to be lost at sea alone. We can be on a boat together, paddling our way through the unknown.

  June finally arrives. I love June because it means the end of school and it also means I can get my KEENs! And KEENs mean no sock drama for at least three months. Whoever invented this amazing sandal-shoe is a genius because KEENs are 100 percent comfortable—the straps and the soles and even the toes. Mom always makes me wait to get my KEENs until June so they’ll fit for the whole summer. On Sunday morning, we drive to a mall outside Tomsville. I pick out dark-purple KEENs so I can wear them with my graduation dress.

  On top of the awesomeness of having new KEENs, Ms. Lacey surprises the class with a box of Munchkins during morning meeting on Monday. And then, on Tuesday, Avery isn’t at school because she’s shadowing a student at her new performing arts middle school. I know it’s mean to be happy Avery is away but I can’t help it. Another good thing about Tuesday is that Ruby is coming over after school, and so are Norie and Zoe Robbins. We’ve been asking for a while to all hang out after school together and finally this Tuesday everyone was free.

  The four of us walk home with Joshua and Benji, talking and laughing the whole way. But then, as soon as we step into the apartment, I inhale sharply, trying to remember if I took down my checklists. School mornings are hectic and it’s all I can do to remember my lunch and water bottle. As Joshua flicks on the lights, I quickly glance at the bulletin board. I’m relieved to see they’re gone.

  Ruby and the twins and I take turns jumping on the trampoline while Joshua makes us a snack of cookies and crackers and fruit. I can tell he’s still feeling bad about moving to Chicago, even though I’ve told him I understand. He’s apologized about ten times for springing the news on me, and he even gave me a special hairbrush for people with curly hair.

  When we’re done with our snack, we drift into my bedroom. At first we’re all goofing around with my body sock. Norie and Zoe crawl in it together and roll across my floor and then Ruby and I give it a try, but she’s short and I’m tall so we can’t make it work. They don’t ask what the body sock is or why I have it, which is kind of awesome.

  After that, I give them a tour of my LEGO dog kingdom and they coo over my tiny plastic puppies. Then Norie and Zoe talk for about five minutes about this gorgeous sixth grader they saw when they went for a shadow day at their new middle school and how he looks like Tintin except with darker hair and how they’re both desperately in love. I still haven’t gotten a crush yet, not even a little bit. Ruby is nodding a lot and, for a few minutes, I get nervous that she’s getting crushes now, too, and I’m the only one left behind, but when the twins leave to find the bathroom she whispers to me, “Please never let me be that boy crazy.”

  “I know!” I say, and we both heave a sigh of relief.

  When the twins get back, Ruby and Norie and Zoe pull out their phones and start playing games and scrolling through memes.

  I glance nervously at the iPad. I’m not supposed to get screen time in my room. I have it in here for calling my mom or listening to audiobooks, and we’re allowed to have Minecraft on the couch on special nights. I wonder how the screen-time rules will change when Ruby lives here. Sandhya is a lot more laid-back about it.

  “Screens away, everyone,” Joshua says, opening my door. “And, yes, I know you had screens out because it suddenly got quiet in here.”

  Ruby and Norie slide their phones into their pockets, but Zoe is running her fingers across her screen.

  “Can I show everyone one thing?” she asks. “It’s really quick. I’ve been looking for it all over YouTube and I think I just found it.”

  Joshua shakes his head. “We don’t do screen time in bedrooms. Willa knows the rules.”

  “It’s a dog video,” Zoe tells him.
>
  “A dog video?” I ask excitedly.

  Zoe nods. “It’s so funny, Willa. You’ll love it.”

  I can never say no to a funny dog video and Joshua knows that. We all lean in, Joshua included, and watch as this adorable Labrador retriever, Denver, gets in trouble for busting into a bag of cat treats. You can tell he’s guilty because he’s hanging his head low, but then, when his owner makes him look up, he grins bashfully with all his teeth like he’s saying, Sorry not sorry. Please love me anyway.

  We watch Denver a second time because he’s so incredibly cute. Zoe is about to hit PLAY for a third time when Joshua shakes his head. “Awesome,” he says. “But screens away.”

  “He’s really nice,” Zoe says once the door is closed.

  “And cute,” Norie says.

  “You’re lucky,” Zoe says. “Our sitter is an old lady and she’s mean.”

  Norie nods. “She yells at us.”

  “But he’s moving,” I say. “He’s going to law school.” I don’t mention that I might be moving too. Mom and I have been talking about it when I go up there but we haven’t made any decisions yet. It’s definitely not something I’m ready to tell Norie and Zoe or even Ruby.

  “When is Joshua moving?” Ruby asks.

  “Summer. Like … August? He’s going to Chicago.”

  Ruby frowns. “Wow. Another change.”

  “I know,” I say.

  Norie and Zoe are watching us curiously. Ruby nods at me and I nod at her and then I say, “We may as well tell you.”

  “It’s big,” Ruby says.

  “What’s big?” Norie asks.

  I laugh nervously. “The thing is … Ruby’s mom and my dad are getting married. No one else at school knows yet. We just found out a few weeks ago. The whole thing still feels really weird and—”

  “That’s so cool!” Zoe shrieks, cutting me off.

  “You’re so lucky!” Norie adds. “A true romance going on right before your eyes!”

  “And you’ll be sisters!” Zoe says.

  Norie smiles. “Like us!”

  “Everything okay in there?” Joshua calls from the living room.

  “Everything’s okay!” we all call back.

  As Norie and Zoe ask us questions about how our parents fell in love and when they’re getting married, I realize that it is okay. We are lucky. My dad could have gotten engaged to a woman with terrible children who fart a lot and have pet snakes. Or worse, a woman who has no children and always wants the house to be clean and quiet! Also, back in April, when Avery sneered at Ruby and me that we’re becoming sisters, it sounded like an insult. But the way Norie and Zoe put it, it’s making me excited. Maybe it is cool that I’m getting a sister.

  “Can you be twenty percent okay with it?” Ruby asks like she’s reading my mind.

  “Eighteen percent,” I say, grinning.

  Zoe looks from Ruby to me like she’s confused but then Norie knocks her twin’s shoulder and, at the same time, they say, “Sister jokes!”

  “Exactly,” Ruby and I say, smiling at each other.

  Thursday is Field Day. Our class starts out at the zoo, where Ruby and I search for the red pandas and giggle at the monkeys with the bare butts. I wish that, in addition to a dog, I could convince my dad to get me a monkey, but I know that’s out of the question. We cross the path to the petting zoo, and Avery and I are the only kids brave enough to feed the sheep pellets from our hands. I actually like how their tongues feel on my palm. It’s like rubbing my hand on the rough side of a sponge. When we’re done, Ms. Lacey makes Avery and me slather in Purell and then wash our hands in the zoo bathroom.

  By the time we get to the Great Hill, the whole class is in a good mood. We eat pizza and play Zombie Tag, and Ms. Lacey surprises us all with bracelets that say I’m Outta Here in black lettering. Some parents arrive with Popsicles and, as Avery helps pass them out to the whole grade, a group of us girls gather under a tree sucking our Popsicles and then digging in the grass with the wooden sticks.

  A few girls are talking about their summer plans, like sleepaway camp or visiting grandparents in the Philippines, and some people ask Ruby and me about when we’re moving in together. Ever since we told Norie and Zoe that our parents are getting married, it hasn’t seemed like such a big deal to tell the others. It’s not like we talk about it all the time, but I’m not trying to hide it anymore. I thought kids would think we’re a freak-show family, but mostly they say it’s really cool and that we’re lucky.

  “I found another Denver video,” Norie says, pulling out her phone and holding it up for everyone to see.

  We’re not supposed to have screens at school, even on field trips, but when I glance over my shoulder I notice that the teachers are tapping on their phones too.

  “Oh, I know Denver!” Avery says. She’s back from delivering Popsicles, and she’s leaning against a tree, showing off her fancy new phone. “I’ve watched all the Denver videos.”

  We all lean in and watch as Denver gets reprimanded for chewing Christmas ornaments. Then Zoe plays a video of a cat riding around his living room on a robot vacuum cleaner. Within minutes, everyone who has a phone is showing animal videos, and we’re giggling and passing phones around, and it’s all fun until I hear a girl from another fifth-grade class saying, “Oh my god, is that Willa?”

  I glance over to see who’s talking about me.

  “Willa and I went to preschool together,” Avery is saying as she holds up her phone. “This is from a holiday pageant.”

  I suck in my breath. The video has to be from when I was four and chucked my sneakers at the audience and tore down the string of Christmas lights. That’s when my mom knew I needed help and she found Maureen for me. I’ve heard about the pageant and I’ve pictured it in my head, but I had no idea someone actually had a movie of it.

  “Where did you … ?” I ask, but I’m so upset my voice catches in my throat.

  “YouTube,” Avery says. “When I got my phone my dad put his account on here, so I have all these videos from preschool. I couldn’t believe it. Willa, you were a crazy maniac.”

  “Can I see it?” Ruby asks, leaning in.

  I stare at Ruby, horrified that she’s betraying me by watching the video. But all of a sudden there’s a commotion. Avery is shrieking and Ruby is running across the Great Hill. It takes me a moment to realize that Ruby has snatched Avery’s phone out of her hands, and she’s darting around people and trees and bikes like the awesome soccer star that she is. By the time Avery slides her feet into her sparkly shoes and pushes up from the grass, Ruby is out of sight.

  A little while later, Ruby shows up again. She must have looped all around the Great Hill because she emerges on our other side. She’s panting hard and her brown eyes are sparkling mischievously.

  “Here you go,” she says, tossing Avery’s phone back to her.

  “Be careful with my—” Avery pauses midsentence and then, a moment later, she glares at Ruby. “It’s gone! You deleted that video? You can’t do that!”

  It takes me a second to realize that Avery is talking about the preschool movie.

  “You can’t do that!” Avery says again. “It was on my dad’s YouTube account. Now it’s gone forever!”

  Ruby crosses her arm over her chest. “I can and I did.”

  “I’m telling Ms. Lacey,” Avery whines.

  “Go ahead,” Ruby says. Then she holds up her bracelet and points to the words I’m Outta Here.

  I’m speechless. Seriously, my brain is not connecting to my mouth. If I could talk I would say to Ruby, Thanks for doing that for me. It wasn’t my fault that I was a crazy maniac back in preschool.

  And Ruby would nod. Of course, she’d say. That’s what friends are for.

  No, I would say to her, that’s what sisters are for.

  “Fine,” Avery says. “Go ahead and be that way. I’ll tell people your secret.”

  At the mention of the word secret, a few girls look up curiously from their p
hones. For a second I think Avery is going to tell everyone I have Sensory Processing Disorder. Leave it to Avery to figure that out somehow. Well, let her tell everyone. I’m sick of hiding it. I’ll just say it’s who I am and how I was born. Sorry not sorry.

  Avery turns to Norie and Zoe. “Did you guys know that Ruby’s mom and Willa’s dad are together?”

  Oh. That secret.

  “That’s old news,” Ruby says.

  “It’s so romantic,” Norie says.

  “A true love story,” Zoe adds.

  Avery stands there, stunned.

  “Come on,” Ruby says, grabbing my hand and pulling me to my feet. “Let’s play tag.”

  I’m tempted to stick my tongue out at Avery, but instead I skip across the grass to join a bunch of people playing on the hill.

  The next night, Dad, Benji, and I meet Sandhya and Ruby at Ellington in the Park. That’s an outdoor grill in Riverside Park, on a patio above a large sandy area where people play beach volleyball and swing from trapeze rings. Dad often brings us there on warm Friday nights. This is the first time we’ve been here with Sandhya and Ruby though.

  They all order hamburgers and fries and I get a veggie burger with melted cheese and potato chips. We’re all talking and joking around during dinner. I’ve noticed that Dad isn’t on his phone as much when Sandhya is around. Mostly we’re talking about summer vacation, but then Benji tells everyone how he just read a book on celebrations around the world. He wants to know what kind of wedding Dad and Sandhya are having and whether they’re going on a honeymoon.

  “We’re going to wait on a honeymoon,” Sandhya tells him. “We have enough to do with getting married and moving in together. We’ll all take some fun day trips later in the summer.”

  “We should go to Polar Bear Adventures for the honeymoon!” I offer.

  Ruby nods enthusiastically. “You guys can get some ‘me time’ in the hot tub while Willa and Benji and I play in the water park.”

  “I still want to take you girls to Polar Bear Adventures for Ruby’s eleventh birthday in August,” Sandhya says.