A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “Elam, right?” Her cheeks darkened just a bit and Elam didn’t know whether he’d just startled her or if she found him attractive. Hopefully, it was just the former. His life was already complicated enough.

  “Yep, that’s right. How are you doing?” He smiled.

  “I’m doing gut.” Curiosity danced in her eyes.

  He’d better just get to the point while he had the chance. “Will you tell me where Julianna’s grave is? I searched every grave in the Amish cemetery, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.”

  Martha frowned. “I…I can’t help you.”

  “Why not, Martha? I don’t think it is against the Amish rules to tell someone where a gravesite is. Right?”

  She gave a wary smile. “I don’t know if they want me to say anything.”

  “Why wouldn’t they? It’s a pretty simple request.”

  “There’s no gravestone for her there.” The words flew from her mouth, and she seemed to immediately regret them.

  What? Elam’s arm hairs suddenly stood on end. “I don’t understand, Martha. How can she not have a gravestone? Is she buried someplace else?”

  “Just a minute.”

  Elam watched in confusion as Martha turned and bolted to the house. What on earth was she doing? Was she going to get one of her brothers or her father so they could expel him from their property? He briefly contemplated leaving. A couple of moments later, Martha walked back out to the truck. She stuck her hand into the open truck window and thrust a folded piece of paper toward him.

  He opened the paper and read what was written inside. It looked like an address. “What is this, Martha?”

  “You can find her there.” With that, Martha turned and briskly walked back to the house.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The moment he pulled in to his garage, Elam whipped out his phone and punched the address Martha had given him into the internet search engine.

  He expected the name of a cemetery to show on his screen, but what appeared instead blew his mind. He frowned. This can’t be!

  Elam looked down at his phone screen and read it again. Raven Street Psychiatric Hospital. He shook his head. I don’t understand this, Lord. Why did Martha give me this address? Perhaps she’d written down the wrong one? Maybe it was a mistake.

  He dialed the phone number provided by the website. Perhaps Julianna had left the Amish and now worked at this place. Jah, that had to be it.

  Someone at the other end of the line greeted him.

  Elam cleared his throat. “Is there a Julianna Yoder working there?”

  The woman paused. “Nobody by that name works here. I’m sorry.”

  Elam frowned. “Then do you have a patient there by the name of Julianna Yoder?”

  “Who is calling?” the female voice answered.

  “I am a friend of Julianna’s.”

  “I’m sorry. We’re not allowed to disclose that information over the phone.”

  “You can’t even tell me whether she’s there or not?” He couldn’t help his incredulous tone.

  “One moment, please.”

  The line went silent and Elam assumed the woman had put him on hold. He took a deep breath and silently prayed while he waited for what seemed like an eternity.

  The woman came back on the line. “Yes, there is a patient here by the name of Julianna Yoder, but I can’t provide any other information.”

  “Thank you.” Elam clicked off the phone.

  He wasn’t even exactly sure what a psychiatric hospital was, but it didn’t sound good. He picked up his phone again and typed in psychiatric hospital. Several institutions in the area came up with driving directions for each one. But that wasn’t the information he needed. He wanted to know what went on inside one of these hospitals. What had Julianna gone through these last couple of years?

  The results culminated from his online search did not provide him with the relief he sought. As a matter of fact, his anxiety now shot through the roof. Horrible photos of mistreated patients caused his heart to ache. He prayed this was not true of Julianna. Surely, mental institutions were more humane in this day and age. Please, God. Please keep Julie safe.

  He checked the website again for visiting hours. It was too late to go today, but first thing tomorrow, he’d be on his way. He needed to check on Julianna. He needed assurance that she was okay.

  ~

  Elam’s hands clammed up as he pulled up to the psychiatric institution. The large brick building felt overwhelming and a bit intimidating. He couldn’t imagine how Julianna survived here all alone, without the family and community that had surrounded her from birth.

  He parked in the visitors section and whispered a prayer before exiting his vehicle. He had a feeling this visit would take all the strength he could muster, and an extra dose of supernatural strength would be greatly needed.

  Elam frowned in disappointment as he entered the building through one of the two glass doors. He stood in an empty foyer, which contained a couple benches and an intercom system. He read the note next to the intercom system. Push button. State who you are and your purpose.

  “Hello. My name is Elam Zook, and I’m here to visit Julianna Yoder.” He felt a little silly talking into the device.

  A voice returned. “What was the name of the patient?”

  He pushed the button again. “Julianna Yoder. She’s Amish.”

  “And your name?”

  Elam sighed. “Elam Zook,” he stated as slowly and clearly as possible.

  “I’m sorry, sir. You are not on the list of visitors for this patient.”

  “List? But I drove an hour and a half to get here. And I took off work.”

  “A visit must be approved.”

  “By whom?”

  “Her paperwork shows a visit must be approved by either Obadiah Yoder or Mose Hershberger.”

  Elam felt like slamming his head against a wall. “Does it need to be in writing? Do you require a phone call, or what?”

  “Either a visit from one of them or a letter will be sufficient.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” Elam scowled as he stomped back to his truck.

  How on earth would he be able to get permission from Julianna’s father or Bishop Hershberger? He couldn’t see either one of them approving his visit. Now, if he were still Amish, they’d probably pounce on the opportunity for a single male, potential suitor to visit her in hopes of them marrying. But he wasn’t Amish, and he had no desire to rejoin his former Amish district.

  He sat in his truck and thought for a moment. If he only knew who was on the list. If he did, then perhaps he could tag along with them. But even then, the administrators probably wouldn’t allow him to see Julie.

  If he knew how Bishop Hershberger or Obadiah Yoder wrote, he could possibly forge a handwritten letter. He frowned. No, that would be dishonest. And most likely against the law.

  He bowed his head. God, I need some help here. Please show me what to do.

  TRY AGAIN.

  “Okay, Lord.” He closed the door to his truck and walked back toward the building.

  “Elam Zook? Is that you?” A voice called as a uniformed officer approached him. He guessed the person to have just exited the building.

  “Yes.” He smiled in recognition. “Randall Harris! How are you?”

  “I’m great, as you can see. Are you on the force?”

  Elam shook his head. “No. I changed my major—or my mind, rather. I have a cousin who served in the military and suffered PTSD and lost his leg as a result. That kind of deterred me from chasing a career as a peace officer. He comes from the same background I do, so I figured I might not do well.”

  “Hey, we all have our calling. Not everyone is cut out for this kind of profession. I’ve even questioned myself a time or two.” Randall looked around. “What are you doing here, man?”

  “I came to visit a friend, but I guess I’m not on the visitors list. They wouldn’t allow me to enter.”

  The officer grimaced. “Yea
h, they’re pretty strict around here. Don’t want any wackos coming in.” He looked toward the entrance. “Let me see what I can do.”

  “Really?” A bolt of excitement shot through him.

  “No promises, brother, but I’ll try. Come on.” He beckoned Elam back into the building they’d exited. Elam followed Randall as he used his card to bypass the intercom system and access the main entrance. They walked toward a service desk and the woman in attendance frowned when she noticed Elam at the officer’s side.

  “Officer Harris, what may I do for you?” She smiled politely.

  Randall turned to him and asked who he wished to see. “Julianna Yoder, please.”

  “I’ll have an attendant bring her to the main visiting area. You may meet her there.” The woman picked up a telephone and spoke with someone, whom Elam guessed was on the other side of the door leading to the patients’ residences.

  “Thank you very much, Melissa.” Randall nodded.

  He then led him to the community visiting area she’d mentioned.

  “Thank you so much, Randall. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  “Hey, anytime I can help out a friend. I know you’re a good guy and you’re not about to take off with a patient, hurt them, or bring them drugs. That’s their main concern. Gotta keep the patients safe, you know?”

  Elam smiled. “Sure.”

  “Okay, man, I gotta go now. I’ll make sure your name gets added to the visitors list so you won’t have this problem next time.”

  “I really appreciate that.” He shook Randall’s hand and watched in disbelief as his friend left.

  Elam could not believe this. He knew it was God who had placed Randall there at just the right time so their paths would cross, just as He had yesterday with Martha. He hadn’t seen his friend since his college days, yet here he was.

  God, You are so good to me! Thank you.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Elam stared out the window while he waited for the attendant to bring Julianna out. His nerves felt all jumbled up inside and he tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths as Megan had suggested when they’d had their first dance session.

  The door opened and he turned to see an attendant escorting a woman in a wheelchair. But it wasn’t Julianna. He turned back to the window and took another calming breath.

  “Mr. Zook,” the attendant called his name.

  “Yes?” He turned around again.

  She gestured to the woman. “Julianna Yoder.”

  He stared at the woman in the wheelchair. Her hair was the same color as Julianna’s, but she seemed so different. This young woman was older than Julianna and weighed considerably more.

  He swallowed and took a few steps closer. “Julianna?”

  She brought her gaze to his, and this was when he finally found a recognizable trait. Her sparkling hazel-green eyes—yet they seemed to have lost their sparkle. This was indeed Julianna. His Julianna.

  He held his emotions in check as best as he could, but inside he felt like breaking down.

  “Julianna, it’s me. Elam.” Perhaps he should have shaven his goatee, so he would be more recognizable.

  She stared toward the window, but said nothing.

  He looked to the attendant, who still stood behind the wheelchair. “May I?” He gestured toward the chair.

  The attendant nodded then walked to one of the chairs and sat down with a magazine.

  Elam wheeled Julianna over to one of the windows. “It’s a nice day today, isn’t it?” He looked to see if she’d respond, but there was nothing. No sound, as if she no longer had a voice.

  He turned to the attendant who had brought Julianna out into the visiting area. “Does she speak?”

  “She speaks when she wants to,” the woman replied.

  Elam nodded in understanding and the attendant went back to reading.

  Elam crouched down in front of Julianna and took one of her hands between both of his. “Julianna, I know you remember me. Will you speak to me?”

  She sighed and looked away.

  “Are you upset with me?” He waited to see if she’d respond, but she didn’t. “Julianna, I want to apologize. I know I said some things to you, things that hurt you. I wish I could take them back. I wish I hadn’t said them.”

  She continued to stare toward the window, a frown on her face.

  Elam stood directly in front of her and met her eyes. “Will you forgive me, Julie?”

  She suddenly blinked, as though she recognized him for the first time.

  “Julie, it’s me. It’s Elam Zook.”

  She stared at him now and tears filled her eyes then spilled over. “Elam.”

  He wanted to hold her in his arms, to tell her everything would be okay. But, would it?

  “Yes, Julie. It’s Elam.” Instead, he stroked her hand. “I’ve been living in the Englisch world. I just found out that you were here. If I would have known, I would have visited sooner.”

  He wouldn’t say that he’d been told she was dead. Somehow, it didn’t seem like that would be a comforting thought to someone who might be mentally ill. Or anybody, for that matter.

  Elam still had a hundred questions. Why was Julianna here? What did she do that caused the leaders to believe she was in need of mental health care? Perhaps he could get answers from those who worked in this facility. Would they share any information with him?

  “Julie, can you tell me why you’re here?”

  “No.” Good. At least she was responding now.

  “I want to help you, Julie. How can I help you?”

  She shrugged.

  He leaned close and whispered. “Would you like me to get you out?”

  Her gaze fixed on him and sadness flashed across her features. She nodded.

  “I’ll try, but it might take some time. You’ll need to be patient. We’ll trust God.”

  The attendant approached. “Time is up.”

  Elam glanced up at her. “May we say goodbye?”

  “Sure,” the attendant muttered and turned around.

  Elam leaned close to Julianna and held her, although a bit awkwardly because of her wheelchair. “I won’t forget you, Julie.”

  The attendant turned and wheeled Julianna back out the door she’d brought her in from. Elam stared at the door a couple of moments before leaving through another exit.

  He swallowed his emotion. Seeing Julie in this condition had been one of the most difficult things he’d ever experienced. Please be with her, God.

  He made his way back to the front desk. The woman who’d been there earlier was now gone. On lunch break, he assumed. Another woman had taken her place.

  “Excuse me, would you be able to tell me what Julianna was admitted for?” he asked, invoking his best smile.

  She tapped on the computer keyboard in front of her. “Clinical Depression.”

  “And has she made any progress? Will she be able to be released soon?”

  She peered at him over the frames of her glasses. “And you are?”

  “A close friend.” He smiled.

  “I’m sorry, that information can only be discussed with her legal guardian.”

  “Okay. Thank you for your help, ma’am.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Julianna watched out the window as Elam entered a red truck and left. She'd wanted to say more to him, to ask him the many questions zooming through her mind at the moment, but they couldn’t seem to come out. Her brain was so ferhoodled.

  First, she hadn't recognized this Englisch stranger. Once she realized who he was, she'd been confused as to why he was there. What did he want?

  When they'd last parted, his words to her had been harsh. But she had deserved them. She knew that. His words had stayed with her and had played in her head hundreds of times over the past few years. She'd been so upset and angry over them. Elam’s verbal betrayal had stung even more than their actual breakup.

  And then he’d left. He’d left for the Englisch world. Instea
d of staying and fighting for their relationship, instead of standing up to her father, he’d thrown in the towel. She wasn’t worth it. She hadn’t been worth his effort, his time, his love. This, she knew to be truth.

  But now he was back. Why?

  ~

  The drive back home for Elam seemed to fly by. He’d been so deep in thought, he was unsure how he even got from point A to point B. But somehow, he’d made it home.

  Everything within him wanted drive back to Raven Street Psychiatric Hospital and rescue Julianna. What he would do with her after that, he hadn’t a clue. Not that he would ever have that opportunity. He didn’t have the authority to release her.

  What he needed was answers. How could he help Julianna fight her depression? What could he do to facilitate healing in her life? He’d never studied medicine, so he was clueless. But it seemed like whatever drugs they’d put her on at the hospital were not working. That was evident to even him.

  God, please direct me.

  He picked up his Bible and began reading. Proverbs was where one went to get wisdom, and that was exactly what he needed. The Bible held the answers to everything, right? So why not look for wisdom on Julianna’s condition?

  After reading and studying God’s Word for a couple of hours, Elam came to at least one conclusion he already knew. Julianna needed Christ in her life. Because if she knew how precious she was in God’s eyes, he was certain that fact alone would give her the boost of self-worth she craved.

  ~

  “Danny, I need a favor from you.” Did Elam’s voice sound as desperate as he felt? He sighed through the phone. “I found Julianna.”

  “Where was she buried? I thought we’d checked every headstone.”

  “She’s not dead, Danny. She’s in a mental institution.”

  “What? You’re kidding.”

  “No, I’m not. That’s why I need a favor from you.”

  “What do you need, Elam?”

  “I need answers. I want to know how she ended up there.”

  “I don’t know how I can help you. I’m not exactly in good standing right now.”

  Elam heard a crackling sound and figured his brother was fiddling with the phone cord. He remembered doing the same in years past. It seemed like the phone shanty down the road from his folks’ place probably had the same phone that had been there for at least twenty years. Since he’d been Englisch, he’d owned at least three different cell phones. It would probably seem silly to most Englischers, but it was little things like this that made him long for the simple comforts of Plain life.