Buzz hadn’t arrived yet. He was taking Franz to some sort of performance first so I was a little shocked when the door opened and Peyton was stood there. He smiled and raised his eyebrows at me, “Seth.” He said, “You’re looking well.”
I blinked, “Am I?” I asked. That was a surprise. For at least the last couple of months, most people had asked me if I was ill, “Oh, right.”
He grinned, “It’s nice to see you looking like you’ve decided to live again. We all have to move on, you know?”
I swallowed and nodded, “Yeah,” I agreed, “I do know that.”
He scratched his neck and looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t know if he should. I rolled my eyes, “You might as well just say what you want to say, Peyton,” I said a little sarcastically, “everyone else around here has.”
He raised an eyebrow, “Have they?” He asked in surprise, “What? They’ve all told you to date the new dancer?”
I frowned, “Well, no...” I admitted, “But that wouldn’t exactly be appropriate since he’s also my new roommate.”
Peyton’s eyebrows got even higher up his forehead, “You’re living together?” He asked, “Since when?”
I frowned, “Um, since a couple of weeks ago. Why? Is it a problem that Joel’s moved in?”
He shook his head, “No, it’s no problem.” He assured me, “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
I shrugged. He could think what he fucking liked. I wasn’t going to apologise for it and I wasn’t going to stop seeing Will either. I was, for all intents and purposes, his stepdad – and there was nothing wrong with him being around Joel either – Joel was sound.
Peyton smiled at me, “I really don’t think there’s a problem with dating your roommate, either – unless you think you’re only going to screw him a few times and then move on to someone else but you’ve never really struck me as the fuck-‘em-and-fuck-‘em-off type.”
I swallowed, “I’m not.” I said. I was the make-love-all-night-and-promise-them-the-world type. I just hadn’t met anyone I felt that way about apart from Siobhan... and now, maybe Joel. But I was terrified that Joel was a mistake. I was so sure I was straight... I had been truly in love with Siobhan. Everything about her was utter perfection. She had totally satisfied me – emotionally, intellectually and sexually.
I frowned. I’d inadvertently listed that in order... I thought about Joel. How did I feel about him? He totally turned me on just to watch him dance. I loved talking to him and he really was a rock when I was upset... Fuck. I wanted him so badly...
Peyton patted my arm, “Just let it happen, dude.” He said, “Go on a date – get laid – and move on.”
I nodded, “I’ll think about it.” I muttered, “But I’m not sure he’ll want to go on a date with me anyway after the way I’ve been acting around him recently.”
Peyton smiled, “I wouldn’t worry about that, mate. Joel adores you – anyone with half an eye can see that.”
I smiled, “Okay.” I said, feeling suddenly hopeful. “I’ll see what he says.”
*
It was far too scary to actually ask him on a proper date – and I was far too stupid to see the wood for the trees. I was quite clearly not straight. I was just protecting myself against heartbreak and in the process, was actually just causing both Joel and myself a lot of unnecessary hurt.
I decided to just ask him to join Will and I on a day out instead. It was nerve-wracking enough to ask that...
“I’m taking Will out to the Natural History Museum in London, tomorrow. Would you, uh, would you like to join us?”
He blinked. “Me?” He asked.
I rolled my eyes and nodded, “Yes.” I said, “You.”
The shrug of his shoulders was careless enough, but those amazing blue eyes sparkled and his smile was one of pure joy, “Sure.” He said, “What time are we going?”
I smiled back at him, suddenly feeling quite buoyant about the whole thing, “I’m picking him up from Peyton’s at nine in the morning and we’re catching the train down at half past nine. I figured that would get us into St Pancras at around eleven and then we can go straight for lunch at the station – it’s amazing in there.”
Joel nodded, “Oh, yeah,” he agreed readily, “I love St Pancras – and you’re right, it is amazing. What about the rest of the day? Want to go and have a look around? We could go shopping at the Westfield Centre in Stratford on the high-speed train. I’ll bet you could get Will something really cool for his birthday.” It was coming up fast. Will told me every time he saw me.
What a brilliant idea... “That sounds so cool.” I said, nodding eagerly.
I found it hard to sleep that night – not because I was reliving hideous nights from my past. No. I couldn’t sleep because I was looking forward to spending the day with my two favourite guys...
*
“So, cheeseburger and fries for Seth, Hamburger and fries for me – and chicken nuggets and fries for you?” Joel looked at Will with a grin.
Will beamed back at him and nodded, “Yeah!” He said happily.
Joel nodded, standing up and pushing his chair out behind him. He looked at me, “Fancy a cup of coffee or a coke?”
“Coke, please.” I said.
He nodded and then looked at Will, “And what about you, young man? Orange juice or a milkshake?”
He gave him a toothless grin, “Milkshake.” He lisped through the gap in his front teeth. His new ones were just beginning to show which was wonderful to see – but at the same time, sad that his mother was missing this part of his growing up years. She’d never see him reach maturity, or go to university, or get married and have children of his own. It was heart-breaking...
Joel nodded and disappeared off to the counter to put in our order.
Will turned to me. “I like Joel.” He said stoutly.
I nodded, “Me too.” I said.
“Is he your new boyfriend?” He asked.
I swallowed. I’d quite like him to be but I wasn’t ready for that yet... “No.” I said, “We’re very good friends and we like each other a lot, but he’s not my boyfriend.”
Will nodded, “Well, if you really like each other, it might turn to love.” He said matter-of-factly.
I nodded, “We’ll see.” I said.
He grinned at me, “I think he’d like to be your boyfriend.” He said.
I didn’t really know what to say about that so I swiftly changed the subject. “Wanna go home after this?” I asked, “Or do you want to carry on shopping for a bit?” He was only young and I didn’t want to exhaust the poor little guy.
He beamed at me, “Shopping!” He said excitedly.
I smiled. He was a boy after my own heart... I guess that was only natural, being Peyton’s son.
Joel came back to us with an overflowing tray of food, “Grub’s up!” He said beaming at Will. He put the tray down and made sure Will was accommodated first before handing me my cheeseburger and fries and then finally he helped himself to his own. What a gentleman...
Will quite clearly thought Joel was some sort of hero and it was more than obvious that he thought Joel and I should be a couple. Something Joel seemed to be a little confused about.
“Will seems to think I’m your boyfriend.” He said, his eyes searching mine for some sort of an explanation.
I nodded. “Uh, yeah,” I hedged, “He asked me if we were boyfriends at lunchtime.”
Joel blinked, “And what did you tell him?” He asked.”
I ran my hand through my hair nervously. I didn’t really know what to say, “I said we were friends and that we really liked each other but that we weren’t boyfriends.”
He nodded, “Right, right.” He said, “Okay...”
“Well, that’s the truth, right?” I asked.
He nodded, “Yeah, course.” He said, “That’s the truth.”
Chapter 17 – Freezing...
Joel
Even though it had been a good si
x months since he’d lost Siobhan, it looked as if Seth was still mourning her. I couldn’t help feeling slightly hopeful that he might be ready to move on but even as I thought it, the sensible part of my brain kept on telling me that there was no way on this earth he was going to allow himself to look at me as anything other than the brother of one of his friends. Getting tipsy with me aside – he was still in love with his dead partner for starters and as if that wasn’t difficult enough to overcome – there was still that nagging little problem of him being absolutely adamant that he was straight...
But could he really still believe that, though? I knew he really liked me, but I also knew that he had absolutely no plans to make it anything more than that. He’d liked me enough to kiss me when he’d had a few glasses of wine with me a few weeks back but he’d been so horrified with himself the next day, I actually felt kind of ashamed to have been involved with him at all. I felt as if he thought I’d somehow or other duped him into finding me attractive enough to kiss and I hated that...
We’d had a lovely time in London with William and I’d felt as if we were making some progress but then he told me about Will assuming we were boyfriends. I’d wondered if he was afraid of the kid disapproving of me – but Will and I got along like a house on fire and he’d been gleeful when he thought I was his stepdad’s boyfriend. Instead of taking the opportunity to gently break it to Will that he was moving on with his life, he’d told him in no uncertain terms that we were just friends. He was never going to want me... I really should just let it go but if there was half a chance...
I was, therefore, now round at my brother’s house because I really needed his advice on what I should do about it.
“Well, he clearly isn’t the man for you if he only wants to be friends.” He said gently, “It’s disappointing, yes – but you’re just going to have to find someone else.”
Well that was fucking unhelpful. I shook my head emphatically, slugging back another mouthful of my beer, “No!” I said firmly, “I’ve found the man I want to be with forever. I found him at your wedding. The man I love is Seth – he’s the one.”
I could see that Harley was losing patience with my dramatics, “He thinks he’s straight.” He reminded me, his gentle tone from earlier sharpening a little.
I stood up, nodding my head vigorously, “Then I need to make him see that he’s not.” I said.
“Don’t do anything stupid, dude.” Harley warned, “Stay here tonight.”
I shook my head. Suddenly it was absolutely clear – I just had to kiss him again. Then he’d know. I lunged for the door. “That’s the under-stairs cupboard, mate.” Alfie said helpfully.
“I knew that.” I said, drawing myself up to my full height and trying and failing miserably to be dignified about the whole thing. “I thought my coat was in there.”
“Sure, sure.” Harley said, “Well, good luck.”
I grinned, “Thanks.” I said as I finally found the front door and yanked it open, “I’ll probably need it.”
Harley muttered under his breath, “You’ll need it alright.”
Thankfully, Alfie was a little more encouraging than my pessimistic brother, “He’s become a little self-conscious about his limp and his burns so he’s been hiding himself away – like a little bug hiding under a pebble. I reckon he’s just waiting for you to discover him,” he said sagely, “you’ve just gotta kick the pebble, dude.”
I nodded. He was absolutely right...
I got outside. Fuck. I couldn’t drive – I’d had far too much to drink. And I couldn’t go back and bang on their door and demand that they drive me. Harley would just make me stay... Shit. I was going to have to walk... and it was fucking miles.
I turned the collar of my ridiculously thin and frankly stupid jacket up and set off. Within about thirty seconds it started snowing. Well, wasn’t that just fucking brilliant? Winter was meant to be over – it was April for crying out loud – and that was why I was wearing the thinnest jacket known to man (To be fair it looked kind of hot, but there was no denying it – it was as impractical as a chocolate teapot) and my red Converses – so no, I couldn’t feel my toes or my fingers – or my nose or my chin for that matter. I was absolutely fucking freezing by the time I got home.
I could just about manage to get my key out of my jeans pocket and into the door. My fingers were absolutely frozen and it was actually really painful to move them. I got the door open and the heat haze that hit me from the hall was enough to make my nose run. Hell, I almost passed out...
I just stood there. I knew there was something I needed to do but I was just so cold that I was momentarily rendered unable to do anything.
Seth must have heard me coming in. He poked his head around the lounge door, “Joel?”
I looked at him, “Seff.” I managed through my frozen lips, “I...”
He frowned and rushed to my side, “Are you okay? You’re shaking with cold – oh, my God, come here.”
He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to him, “Jesus, Joel,” he said in concern, “you’re freezing. Come on in – you need to get those wet clothes off.”
My ears pricked up at that. Get my clothes off? Hello, yes, that was what I’d been thinking of all the way home... “Wanted to k-k-k-kiss you.” I managed to get out, “We b-b-b-belong t-t-t-together.”
Seth nodded, “Sure, sure.” He said, “I know that. Come on – get your jacket off and your shoes, that’s right.”
He knew that? Did he just say he knew that? I opened my mouth to ask him what he meant but he was too busy getting me sat down and pulling my shoes off and then peeling my wet socks off me. Really, he was going well above and beyond the boundaries of being mates...
He got up and disappeared into the bathroom – adding to my confused brain. Where had he gone? He was here a minute ago. I looked around for him stupidly and was massively relieved when he returned with a couple of big, fluffy towels. He wrapped my feet up in one of them and put the other one at the side of me. He shook his head as he looked at me, “Your tee shirt’s all wet too, dude. You’re lucky you haven’t got hyperthermia.”
I shrugged, “I just wanted to be with you.” I mumbled, feeling sleepy all of a sudden in the heat of the lounge, “Pebble...” I murmured. What the fuck was I going to say about that?
“Well, you’re with me now,” he said, as he helped me out of my jeans and pulled my tee shirt over my head, “Come on – get those boxers off too – you’re soaked to the fucking skin. Where the hell have you been and why aren’t you in your car?”
“I had a few drinks with Harley and Alfie,” I mumbled, as I stepped out of my boxers and allowed Seth to wrap the big towel around me.
He nodded, “Sure, sure,” he said, “And there’s nothing wrong with that – but why the hell didn’t you just get a taxi?”
I looked at him, blinking as I processed his words. A taxi? That would have been a better idea... “I dunno.” I said stupidly, “I only had one thing on my mind and that was kissing you – and it shouldn’t b-be th-that c-cold out th-there – it’s supposed to be f-fucking Spring now...”
Seth chuckled, “Come here,” he said. He lay down on the sofa and pulled me back up against him so that he was spooning me from behind. I leaned into the heat off him gratefully, “This is nice,” I murmured as I watched the flames dancing in the wood-burning stove. He smelt of wood smoke and apples and I just wanted to stay there on the sofa with him forever. Wrapped in his arms and in his love. He smelled of home – more so than anyone I’d ever been with before...
He kissed the back of my neck and then trailed little kisses across my shoulder blades, “Yeah,” he murmured, rubbing my arms with his hands, “It is.”
I felt my eyelids drooping as warmth seeped into my bones. The next moment I was asleep.
Chapter 18 – What are we doing?
Seth
It had shocked me to see Joel stood there, looking absolutely frozen.
Not as much as it shocked me
to hear him say that he just needed to kiss me and to hear him say that we belonged together – and I think I might have agreed with him...
Now, though, with him snoring a little as he fully relaxed against me, lost in sweet dreams, it occurred to me once I really thought about it, that he was absolutely right. We totally did belong together... So, why was I fighting my feelings for him?
It wasn’t even as if Will was bothered. Will loved him. He’d even asked me if Joel was my boyfriend. The kid didn’t see it as a problem in me dating a guy after being with his mum – so why was I making it one?
It was time I got with the program. It was time to tell Joel how I felt.
Time to man up and admit my feelings for him.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of him. He smelled so damned good – a mixture of coconut and something slightly citrus.
He turned over in his sleep onto his back and I was able to study his beautiful face. His nose was perfectly straight and he had the longest lashes I’d ever seen on a guy. Beautiful. That was what he was, utterly beautiful.
He opened his eyes and looked straight at me. Fuck. Busted! I smiled at him, “Hi.” I said.
He smiled back at me, “Hi.” He said, “I’m sorry I got you worried.”
I shrugged, “Hey, don’t worry about it – keeps me on my toes.” Reminds me that I’m alive and have feelings...
His eyes strayed my mouth, “So,” he said playfully, “Since I walked all the way back from my brother’s house in the wind and the snow just to kiss you – can I kiss you?” He asked.
My heart started to thump a little harder in my chest. This was getting into dangerous territory but one little kiss wasn’t going to hurt... “Sure.” I agreed and leaned into him.
Seth... Saved Page 6
