I smiled, “Z, Y, X, U.... no, not U, um, V no! W...” Fuck, this really is harder than it seems.
Buzz chuckled, “Doing really well,” he drawled sarcastically, “Go on.”
I pulled a face at him, “V, U, T, S, R, O...”
“Nope!” Buzz crowed gleefully.
“It’s O.” I insisted, “O,”
They all shook their heads. I made eye contact with Joel who mouthed, “Q” to me.
I rolled my eyes. Of course it was Q... “Q, P, O, N, M, K...”
Buzz laughed and shook his head, “Wrong again, dude. You’re still better than everyone else at this – but you can only make one more mistake dude and Joel takes the title.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” I shot a little grin at Joel, who went pink and looked down.
“L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.” I finished with a fist punch.
Buzz high-fived me and I chanced another glance at Joel – would he be worried that I’d taken the title? He was grinning all over his face and he winked at me when our eyes met. Phew... It looked like we were still friends.
“A round of shots, best barman ever!” Buzz shouted, slinging his arm around Franz who had sidled up to him.
I chuckled. There was no way on this earth I was having a shot, but I was happy for the rest of them to get wasted if that was what they wanted to do. “Come on then – let’s see your money.”
Joel slid onto a bar seat and watch me as I poured the shots, “I missed you today.” He said quietly.
I looked up, “I had a few things to do in town.” I lied.
He shook his head. He wasn’t fooled, “Liar,” he said softly, “You were just avoiding me.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to upset the guy but neither did I want him thinking he had any sort of a future with me. I was so badly scarred – physically and mentally... I couldn’t even walk properly anymore. He deserved better than that... better than me. I wasn’t going to be good for him... I was too worn down with life. I rarely slept through the night and when I did manage to get off to sleep I had nightmares all of the fucking time. Hell, I was an emotional and physical wreck... What the fuck did he see in me?
I was making every excuse in the book to push him away, but there was a big part of me that still wanted to feel his lips against mine again – right now, in front of everyone if I was going to be totally honest. I looked up at him, “You’re right.” I said in a low voice so no one else overheard us, “I was avoiding you – because last night was a big mistake.”
His smile faltered and his eyes dimmed, making my heart want to crack, which was weird since I was convinced it had already been broken beyond repair when Siobhan died... How and when had it gotten mended again? “It might have been a mistake for you,” he said, his chin wobbling slightly although his voice was strong, “But I was well up for it.” His eyes were beginning to look a little glassy, “But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He took a deep shuddery breath that made me want to wrap him up in my arms and hug away the hurt I was inflicting on him. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen and settle for being mates again?” He ended his little speech with a careless enough looking shrug but his wobbly chin had already given him away.
Ignoring the way my heart skipped a beat at the idea that he was really interested in me, I nodded, “Of course we can – we are mates.” I agreed heartily, “That’d be great.”
He smiled even though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Cool,” he said, “I’ll, uh, go and get dressed – or rather undressed.” He winked, making my dick go instantly hard. Fuck. It was gonna be impossible to just be mates... Absolutely impossible.
Chapter 13 – No way on this earth...
Joel
There was no fucking way I was going to settle for just being mates after that awesome night with Seth.
Before had been easy because as much as I’d imagined what being with him would be like, it had just been fantasy. But now I knew and it was far better than any fantasy I’d ever had about him. Now I knew what it was like to feel his hand around my cock and the way it felt when it was rubbing against mine through our boxer shorts. Now I knew that his mouth tasted faintly of apples when he devoured my mouth in the most delicious kisses I’d ever experienced. He was incredible and I never wanted to let him go.
But he was still in love with Siobhan – or at least he was still in love with her memory – and I couldn’t really compete with that sort of perfection.
Harley said I had to give it time – but I had no idea how long he needed. All I knew was that I wanted to give him the time he needed – I just didn’t know if I was strong enough to wait, only to find that waiting had been utterly futile and that he’d never really wanted me...
*
It was a quiet night in the club, which was odd for the time of year but there wasn’t much we could about that. I danced and danced all night and then I helped Seth to clean up at the end of the shift and we went home together in his car. We’d left mine parked up in the car park, since I’d drank a couple of beers and he was concerned that I might be over the limit. He was always thoughtful like that.
I hesitated at the top of the stairs when I followed him up to bed. Did I stick my head around his door and say goodnight? Or was that just being over-familiar when he’d told me that I had absolutely no chance?
I sighed and left it. I went to bed and I guess I must have gone straight off to sleep because I woke up with a start after what only seemed like a few minutes later. Was I dreaming or was that someone screaming?
I lay still for a second. I was listening intently because you know when you dream and you think that you’ve heard a really loud bang and then you just lie there, wondering if someone is in the house? Well, you might not do that – but I do...
I checked the time and was surprised to find that it was actually a few hours later – five forty-five actually. I was just about to turn over and punch my pillow back into a comfortable shape when I heard it again. The most heart-rending, gut-wrenching, blood-curdling scream – and it was coming from the next room. Seth...
I shot out of bed and without even thinking about the consequences of my actions, I burst into Seth’s bedroom.
He was asleep, but his face was screwed up in absolute agony as he relived something from his past. I had a very good idea of what it was too – I’d been there that night – I might not have seen Siobhan’s body like he had and how terrible it had been for him to be trying to get her out even though she was dead already and burning in front of him but I could remember his screams of agonising heartbreak and I figured he was reliving her death and his agony at not being able to save her. It became obvious immediately after I’d gotten into bed behind him that it was exactly what he was dreaming about.
“We can’t just leave her! She’s not dead!” he suddenly screamed, making me jump so violently I almost shot back out of the bed and ran from the room.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Should I talk to him?
Apparently talking to him wasn’t necessary, since this was his nightmare and someone was clearly answering him in his mind. The next second all the fight went out of him and he just sobbed.
My heart broke for him. He’d clearly absolutely loved Siobhan. Dreaming about her was his only option because he wouldn’t discuss it. All the guys had alluded to it at the club and no one ever really talked about her in his presence for fear of upsetting him.
I didn’t really go along with that notion – I actually thought it was better for him to be able to talk about her... but I was no psychologist. I had no idea really.
All I knew was that the man I would love to get to know a whole lot better was hurting more than I’d ever seen anyone hurt before – and he needed comforting.
I didn’t even think about it. I wrapped him up in my arms. Pressing my body against his, I hugged him, wrapping him in my warmth and my comfort and yes, my love...
He must have acknowledged at least something in my action
s because he stopped crying and after a couple of whimpers and a few snuffles, he went back to sleep – and thankfully, dreamt about something else or maybe even nothing at all.
Chapter 14 – Embarrassment...
Seth
I woke with a start and stared up at the ceiling. My eyes hurt and my head was thumping. I couldn’t remember drinking anything last night but something was bugging me. I just didn’t know what it was. It all came flooding back when I turned my head and almost died of a heart attack. I wasn’t alone and the only person with hair like that, lying right next to me, his chest bare and his face right next to mine – looking unbearably sexy, was Joel. Ohhh, fuck. Please tell me I hadn’t lost control of myself around him again?
I tried to move, but Joel also had his leg slung rather possessively over mine – effectively pinning me to the bed. It was kind of sexy if I was going to allow myself to think of it that way... If I moved, I would surely wake him up... Fuck it, I had to move. I was desperate for a pee.
I had no choice. Peeing on him wasn’t an option. I slid out from under him and shot off to the bathroom. He’d no doubt be awake by the time I got back and then we’d have to talk.
I slunk back into the bedroom and to no surprise, there he was, wide-awake and sitting up in bed with his pillows arranged behind him.
He looked me straight in the eye. “We didn’t do anything so you can stop worrying yourself into an early grave that we did. You didn’t do anything remotely gay. You were just upset.”
I frowned at him as embarrassment started to creep up on me and I felt my face reddening. “Upset?” I asked. My blood ran cold. He hadn’t witnessed one of my nightmares had he...?
Joel nodded earnestly, “Yeah, dude. You were really fucking upset. You were screaming in your sleep.”
Fuck. He had... “I'm sorry for disturbing you,” I said shortly. I was so horribly embarrassed that he’d witnessed one of my nightmares and I just wanted to get away but this was my bedroom – he was the intruder here...
He seemed to get the message, because he hopped straight out of bed. I did my best not to look at his crotch. I knew what was down there and it was too damned tempting. He headed for the bedroom door and I edged around the other side of the room so he couldn’t actually pass me. I wasn’t sure I could trust myself not to touch him if he did.
Chapter 15 – Anchor...
Joel
I could see that Seth was freaking out and that made me feel really bad for not confessing to him that I knew what he’d gone through because I’d been there that night with Harley...
He was going to totally freak out when he found that out – and he was totally going to think I was a stalker or something, once he discovered that I’d visited him in hospital while he was recovering...
It occurred to me that I really had to get out of his bed – and out of his room. I turned around once I was outside of his bedroom door, “Don't worry about it.” I said as I ducked out of the room. I’ll, uh, I’ll go and put the kettle on.”
It was ten minutes or more before Seth appeared. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and let out a huge sigh, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. Dragging his hands down his face, he looked at me, "I don’t know why I dreamt about her last night,” he said quietly. “It usually happens when I’ve been drinking...” He let out a heartfelt sigh and carried on talking about her. I didn’t dare move. He’d mentioned her a couple of times to me before – but he’d never talked about her in any great detail – and certainly not about the accident. “I sometimes think that if I just get drunk enough I might not dream about it... And then, other times I drink so I do remember it all because at least that way, I get to see her again,” he turned his massive brown eyes on me and my heart broke for him when he started talking again, “I'm terrified of forgetting her – of forgetting how she made me feel. Because I can feel her slipping further and further away from me every single day that I’m forced to endure my life without her."
All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him and never let go. But he needed to talk this out – so I started asking questions instead. “How did she make you feel?” I wasn’t all that sure I wanted to know but at least he was beginning to get things off his chest. The fact that he found living some sort of endurance test was the most disturbing thing...
“Whole,” he whispered, shrugging his shoulders helplessly, “She made me feel whole. I was complete with her. My life made sense somehow. I knew who I was and now...”
I nodded. I got it. I understood what it felt like to lose the person you loved – I’d never felt loss so dramatically as his – I’d just had a boyfriend who had fallen out of love with me and promptly in love with someone that he’d decided was better, “You're drifting,” I whispered. “She was your anchor and now that she’s not here, you’re adrift.”
He nodded, tears running freely down his face.
I reached forward and wiped them away with my thumb. “I know she meant everything to you but that doesn't mean you can't love again, Seth.”
He looked at me, “Yeah, yeah,” he said with a slight edge to his voice, “Rob, River, Buzz – all of them have said the same but I'd never loved anyone before her..."
Fuck.
“And who the hell is going to want me now anyway?” He asked self-pityingly, “All ugly and burned and limping like an old man?” To be fair to him he was muttering this under his breath and more to himself than to me.
I swallowed. Had he even meant for me to hear that? Should I come on out and admit that actually I found him disturbingly attractive? Well why not? What the fuck did I have to lose? He had to know anyway after the events of the other night – even if he wasn’t anywhere near in the right place emotionally for any sort of relationship with me, “Me,” I said softly, “I find that I want you more and more each and every time I see you.”
Seth stared at me for a minute and then shook his head, “Don't waste your time,” he muttered before bolting for the door. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
“Way to go Joel,” I muttered, “that went really well.
I decided that I really had to go and see Harley and Alfie. They’d know what to do...
*
I don’t know why I expected anything else from Harley than what I got, but I did... “You look like shit.” He said with a grin as I walked in.
“Thanks,” I retorted, “I had a crappy night – what’s your excuse?”
His eyes lit up evilly and his grin widened, “Alfie’s a bad, bad man.” He winked at me.
“Bastard,” I muttered.
Alfie sniggered, “Shut up, Harley.” He said, “What’s up, Joel? You don’t look like shit – but you do look troubled. Anything we can do to help?” He patted my shoulder sympathetically.
I shot him a grateful smile, “Yeah,” I said, “Well, you can give it a shot anyway...”
Harley frowned, “What’s up, dude?” He asked.
“It’s Seth....”
Alfie raised his eyebrows and Harley shook his head, “What about him?” they asked in unison.
I sighed, “He has the most horrendous nightmares.” Well, I had to start somewhere...
Alfie nodded, “Well, that’s perfectly understandable.” He murmured, making me wish I’d thought of another opener. Alfie probably still had terrible nightmares, too...
Harley moved close to Alfie and put his arm around him, making me feel inexplicably jealous of their wonderful relationship. It was everything I wanted but would probably never have with Seth. “What sort of nightmares?” He asked.
I sighed. The lump in my throat I’d been fighting since he’d poured his heart out to me about his overwhelming love for her threatening to cut off my air supply, “He relives the crash.” I choked out. “Sometimes he welcomes it because he gets to see her again.” I broke down.
Alfie and Harley both rushed to comfort me, “Come on,” Alfie’s voice was low but his arms around me were firm and strong. Harley’s voice
was stronger, “What did you say to him?”
I faltered, “I don’t know.” I admitted, “I think I said something about losing his anchor...” I trailed off. It had been a strange conversation but it had totally made sense at the time.”
“So you talked about Siobhan?”
I pulled a face, “Well, not as such...” He escaped before we could really get talking.
“But he was definitely referring to her?” Harley leaned forward.
I stared at him, “Of course he was talking about her,” I said, “he said she made him complete.”
Alfie and Harley exchanged a knowing glance, “What?” I asked.
“He still hasn’t talked about her at all with any of the rest of us – seems to me that you’re the only one. You’re definitely breaking down his walls...”
Well, that was just great. I was good enough to fool around with when he was drunk; I was good enough to confide in and cry all over when he was having a nightmare but when he was sober and fully alert he didn’t want to know me. Well, wasn’t that just fucking champion?
Chapter 16 – Mates...
Seth
I was aware that I was pissing Joel off. I just didn’t really understand why.
We were mates, weren’t we? I’d never promised him anything more than that and ‘that night’ we’d agreed was nothing more than a mistake... So why was he being an arsehole about the whole thing?
Or was I being the arsehole and he was just reacting to me?
I needed someone else’s perspective, but whose?
The door opened and shut again, making me jump violently. Most of the guys were in the back getting changed for their shift. It was Thursday, so Thai was in, along with Joel and Alfie.
Harley would likely pop in later on after he’d finished his patrol and there was another guy who was vaguely familiar that kept coming in to see Thai. I couldn’t place him though and I could only assume he’d met him away from here. It wasn’t any of my business who he was friends with, though. Thai had always kept himself to himself with regards to his private life.
Seth... Saved Page 5
