by Tanya South
But I didn’t tell her. In fact, I never spoke about the monster to her or to anyone, ever again. The secret had been between me and the monster forever. He told me if I ever told Mom or anyone else about him, that he would kill me.
Mom was able to extend her stay at home another week. But that week just flew by. Dad’s shifts at the hospital were so long. It was a very hot day in the end of July. Beth had made yummy homemade lemonade. She knew that was one of my favorite drinks. It had been weeks since I’d seen my cousin Joe. But this day, he’d gotten off from his summer job at the camp early. He decided to stop by. The doorbell rang. My babysitter Beth answered the door.
“Hey, Joe. How’s it going, Buddy?”
“I’m great, Beth.”
“What brings you here today? Your aunt and uncle aren’t here.”
“I just stopped by to see Natasha. I’ve been so busy with work and just miss my little cousin,” Joe explained while looking at me.
My heart felt like it was trying to pierce through my chest. My legs were wobbly and my hands couldn’t stop shaking.
“What’s the matter, Sweetheart?” Beth asked me.
But I just froze. I didn’t know what to say to her.
She instantly hugged me. “Oh, my goodness. You’re shaking.”
I held her tight, hoping that she’d take that as a sign not to leave me alone with Joe.
Joe quickly interrupted.
“Aww, come here, Natasha.”
But I wouldn’t let go of Beth.
Beth asked if I was feeling sick. I shrugged my shoulders as to suggest, “I don’t know.”
Joe gave me a hard look as he smiled at the same time, then he said, “Ah, she’s okay, Beth. I think she’s just being shy. It’s been a few weeks since I’d seen my little cousin. You go on ahead and finish whatever you were doing. I’ll cheer her up.”
“Natasha, I’m just going to finish up a few things here in the kitchen. I’ll fix you up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after I’m done. Just the way you like it. Okay?”
Discouraged, I just nodded and softly said, “Okay.”
When Beth returned to the kitchen, Joe grabbed my hand and motioned me to walk with him. “Come on, show me the paintings in your room.”
“No. I don’t want to.”
But he didn’t take no for an answer. I started crying inside. I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes. I heard in my head, Natasha, you are such a pretty flower. It was the monster’s voice talking to me.
My mind was fuzzy.
The next thing I knew we were in my bedroom upstairs. It had been bright and sunny outside, yet all I could see was gloom and pitch darkness. Heaviness came over me. Joe gently laid me down on my bed. Then there he appeared again. It was the monster. My bed wasn’t a bed and I wasn’t in my room anymore. It was a dark ditch inside the garden. The tall trees hovered over me like big creatures covering me with their long, curly, creepy arms that were their branches.
The monster said, “Shhh, it’s okay. Do not be afraid. Do not talk or scream. It’ll be over before you know it. If you talk, you’ll get in big trouble.”
My eyes shut tight. I couldn’t see and was terrified. Whimpering, I told the monster to stop. But he just couldn’t help himself. My entire being, existence, and all consciousness went hazy as I laid in the dark ditch inside the garden. A garden that had once been my sanctuary had now become my living hell.
CHAPTER FIVE
THE NIGHT MY SOUL DIED
JOHN 3:20
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.
The next five years dragged on and my nine-year-old self continued to dwell in that dark, transcendent garden. The colorful, beaming garden full of life that my paintbrush had once reflected back when I was a little girl had been dried up, not watered, or nurtured at all. It transformed itself into pure torment. I learned over time to hide my pain. I learned to live with this secret that had been eating me alive. I had developed the art of escape through my paintings, in order to remove myself from the painful reality. As long as Mom and Dad remained jubilant, and we were that happy family everyone thought we were, I needed to continue going on with the facade. Mom and Dad were my peace, my sanctuary, but even then I knew they couldn’t save me. I prayed every night and asked God to take the monster away. I prayed for him to disappear. And as I endured the habitual abuse, I even prayed for the monster to die. But he just wouldn’t go away.
God, are you there? Can you hear my prayers? Why won’t you take this monster away from me? I thought and asked these questions over and over again.
Somehow, even throughout all of the insanity, I still believed God had been with me the whole time. I would get upset at myself sometimes for not blaming God. One thing I knew for sure is that I couldn’t stop praying or believing. It’s the only thing I had left. With each year that passed, I believed it would be the year that God would remove the monster. But the monster still remained.
The evening had been like something out of a winter wonderland. The deep, dark-green pine trees were perfectly capped with bright white snow. The big, beautiful snowflakes slowly dropped from the sky like fluffy feathers. It was Mom’s annual Christmas party at work. Dad always went with her every year. Mom always looked so beautiful. That night, she wore a long, red halter-style gown. She looked a lot like Nana; her beauty was natural. I do remember the red lipstick and her long, lush lashes that night. Mom was so excited, but little did she know that my demise awaited me. Auntie Lucy and Uncle Joseph always babysat me. Joe had just turned twenty-one and still lived with them. I prayed he’d be out with his friends that night. Dad had driven me to Auntie’s house to drop me off. When we arrived, my worst fear became true. Joe had been right there, almost as if he’d been waiting for me. Little Lisa wasn’t so little anymore. She was so happy I was there with her. Lisa was like my little sister, so I had been very protective of her. I always wondered if Joe had been bad to her, too. I couldn’t even imagine it because Lisa always seemed so happy. But then again, so did I. I had learned over the years to hide it well. I learned how to play pretend really well. It pained me to imagine that Lisa had been living in that dark garden just like me. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I couldn’t ask her if he was, because if he weren’t hurting her, then she’d wonder why I asked such an outrageous question.
Here I went again. I waved good-bye to Dad as if it were going to be the last time I saw him. I ran up to him and latched my arms around him really tightly.
“Tasha, Honey…” he chuckled. “I’ll be back to pick you up in the morning. I’m not leaving you forever you know.”
“Okay, Daddy. I love you and Mom.”
“I know, Sweetheart. So do we.” He looked at me with endearment.
Auntie Lucy had cooked one of my favorite foods, fried chicken, homemade garlic mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob.
“Come on, guys. Just served dinner,” Auntie said.
“Umm, I’m not really hungry,” I replied.“What? Natasha! What’s the matter? You must not be feeling well. This is your favorite.”
But she had no idea that I felt sick to my stomach. I felt uneasy not knowing if Joe had his plot against me in order. I had no desire to eat. So I went along with what Auntie said.
“Yes, Auntie Lucy. My stomach feels a little weird. Maybe I’ll eat later.”
“Not sure how much later, Sweetheart. It’s already six thirty,” Auntie said with concern.
“It’s okay, Auntie. I’ll sit with you all at the table.”
I kept looking around for Joe. He’d slipped away. I prayed in my mind, hoping that he had planned on staying out all night. After dinner, Lisa and I played together. We painted and did arts and crafts, too. It appeared I would be in the clear. Joe had indeed stepped out. It turned out to be a peaceful night with my cousin. I slept in Lisa’s room. They always kept an extra little bed in there for me. After all, it was practically
my second home. Lisa had always been a heavy sleeper. I envied the fact that she had the natural ability to fall asleep so quickly. I couldn’t do that. My mind had been a residence for ideas and thoughts of worry and fear. After praying, I looked out the window and just watched the majestic snowfall. The wintery December night appeared perfect. My heart jumped when I heard the door opening.
Oh no! I thought. Inside my mind, I screamed, God, no! Please no! I can’t take this anymore! My mind ran into escape mode as I saw the monster enter the room. He slowly walked toward me. Only this time, he grabbed my hand tightly, forcing me to walk out of the room with him. Everyone had been asleep in the house. Joe’s room was downstairs.
My head continued to swing no. But no was not an answer the monster would ever accept. His long, creepy finger placed over his mouth to suggest for me to be quiet. I cried silently as the tears poured out of my eyes and flooded down my face. We soon entered his room. The monster’s face was grotesque. Slimy, thick saliva was dripping off his fangs. In the murky garden, it also snowed, only the snow was pitch black.
In his chilling voice he said, “Natasha, you are a beautiful flower,” as he’d always say to me. I started running through the dead flowers that were as tall as cornstalks. I tried getting lost in it like a maze. The rotten giant fruit had a horrible stench. My breath was short and my energy was on low battery. It was inevitable. The monster was bigger, faster, and stronger. He then caught up to me, grabbed me, picked me up, and tossed my tiny body onto the muddy, soiled ground. His sharp claws shredded through my pajamas. It was frigid and I couldn’t stop trembling.
“Please don’t hurt me anymore,” I pleaded with the monster.But he looked at me like a lion ready to devour his prey. He had been too hungry and needed to satisfy his appetite. As I lie on the ground crying, the monster began to mar me. The pain had been agonizing and pierced right to my soul. I envisioned my spirit lift up from my flesh and hovered over me. It was the happy me; there was light surrounding my spirit. I looked so refreshed, clean, and full of joy. My undefiled spirit had been staring down at a girl who was officially mangled, defaced, and physically vandalized. My flesh was alive, my heart was still beating strong, but my emotional soul had died. For the first time in my young life, I didn’t feel the presence of God. After his belly was full, I crouched into fetal position in that dead and dark garden. I’d given up. I prayed aloud, “God, please take me. I don’t want to live anymore.” I looked at the monster and said to him, “Just kill me.”
But he didn’t kill me physically. His carnal, evil appetite had stolen, killed, and destroyed my innocence forever.
CHAPTER SIX
BAD HABITS
1 CORINTHIANS 15:33
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
In the year of 1986, autumn had brought forth cool breezes and warm, earthy foliage. It was the season of pumpkins, tasty apple cider, and hot apple pie. The leaves were an artful array of brimstone reds, yellows, and golds, the color of beeswax, and bright amber hues. Children were starting their new routines as school had been back in session. I was sixteen and beginning eleventh grade. This would have been a year when many girls my age would have been excited about—sweet sixteens, junior proms, and college hunting. But none of those things mattered to me. I didn’t have a sweet sixteen because I didn’t want one. In fact, I didn’t even want to go to school anymore. My poor parents had worked so hard to raise me right, to instill God and faith in my foundation, yet there I was, a very damaged girl. And despite their efforts, they couldn’t figure out why. Mom and Dad had taken me to see child psychologists in the last few years. But the doctors couldn’t break me. They couldn’t get any truth out of me. By that time, I had been filled with too much shame and fear. I thought it had been too late for me. No one could fix me. The monster and I had a repulsive secret that needed to be taken to my grave. The night my soul died at the age of nine took a turn for the worse. It had showed up in my lack of enthusiasm for life, school, friends, art, or play. The year that the monster stripped my soul away from me, my cousin Joe had finally gone away. He joined the army soon after. I had prayed over the years relentlessly for the monster to disappear, but by the time that prayer was finally answered, the damage that had been done to me, was too great for me to handle. I beat myself up for not abandoning God and my belief in Him even though, deep down inside, I almost believed the lie that I had been abandoned by Him. I knew in my spirit that it couldn’t be true. I believed that God had been with me, but still couldn’t understand what took Him so long to remove the monster out of my life. Even though God removed the monster out of my presence physically, the monster continued to haunt me in my daily thoughts, in my dreams at night and in my spirit. I had also developed the curse of insomnia. I refused to close my eyes because the monster’s torment had become more constant and relentless. In the past, I feared this would happen to me, and now my fear came true. Faith no longer resided in my heart. Faith had been evicted out of me by sheer terror.
It had been a few weeks before my junior prom. Mom kept insisting that I go and even went as far as buying me a really pretty dress. But I dreaded being around people. A senior told me about a kid in our school who sold pills. He sold mostly Valium and Xanax. She’d told me he was stealing them from home and selling them. Supposedly, his dad was a pharmacist. Reluctantly, that summer before school started, I took on a part-time job at our local deli. So I could afford to start this new secret habit. A habit that I thought could possibly help me escape my pain. My paintings were no longer an escape into a blissful abyss, but rather a never-ending affliction. The first time I took one of those pills, I couldn’t believe how this tiny, little thing had so much influence over me. I imagined myself on a beautiful white cloud in the bluest sky ever. I could see down below me the tiny images of the world. But to my amazement, there it was…the beautiful, bright, colorful garden that I once imagined I lived in so long ago as a little child. Oh, how wonderful! There was no monster present, there was no darkness…I found it! I found the answer to finding my peace. Oh, this wonderful pill! It became the answer to all of my problems. It was the beginning of allowing the devil’s lies into my spirit, little by little. It was the lie that anything else except Jesus could be the answer to all my problems.
I grew an addiction to pain pills too.
“Tasha! Tasha!” Mom kept calling out for me.
Even though I could hear her, she had no clue that I was completely out of it upstairs.
I just could not get up.
My door quickly opened.
“Tasha! What are you doing still sleeping?” Mom said while opening up my blinds.
“Mom, please… I told you that I don’t feel good.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. You can’t keep doing this, Sweetheart. C’mon. Get up, wash up, and you’ll feel better after you eat,” Mom said desperately.
“I can’t eat, Mom.”
“I don’t like the way you look. I think I’m taking you to the doctor,” she said.
“No, please. It’s just that time of the month for me, Mom. My cramps are bad,” I lied. I couldn’t take the chance that I’d get a blood test and have my family find out I’ve been taking all kinds of pills. I couldn’t control the new monster that had entered my life.
“All right, Love. I’ll make you some tea and I’ll bring you some Advil.”
The phone rang. Mom came back into my bedroom. “Tasha, you have a phone call.”
“Who is it, Mom?”
“She says her name is Cathy.”
“Cathy?” I couldn’t believe she actually called me. Cathy was considered one of the most popular girls in school. She was a senior at my high school, and a cheerleader. Why is she calling me? I thought. I got up and answered the phone. “Hello.”
“Hi, Natasha. It’s me…Cathy.”
“Oh hey, Cathy.”
“Listen, my parents are going away and I’m having a big party at my house next Saturday. You’re invited
.”
“Party? Next weekend? Umm, I’m not sure. I’d love to go, but I have to ask my parents if it’s okay.” I was surprised.
“Aww, c’mon, it’ll be a lot of seniors and the boys from the football team, too. It’ll be fun. Why don’t you ask them if you can sleepover? They don’t need to know it’s a party. Just in case they’re strict or something.”
“Wow. Okay. I’ll let you know. Thanks for inviting me.”
“Sure. Let me know soon, though, ‘cause I need a head count.”
“Okay.”
“See ya,” Cathy said.
As I put the phone down, I kept wondering, Why me? She wasn’t really my friend. Although the senior who told me about the kid selling pills in school was actually Cathy’s best friend. I thought maybe somehow I was “in” or maybe considered cool because I had become almost like one of them. Deep down inside, I didn’t really want to go. Everyone thought I was pretty, but I didn’t feel good about myself. Maybe if I went, I could start building up my confidence. After much thinking and contemplating, I thought, Yes, I’ll just go to the party. Now I just have to convince Mom and Dad that it is just a sleepover.
CHAPTER SEVEN
NEW MONSTERS
PSALM 22:1
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from my cries of anguish?”
The week before the party flew by. Saturday afternoon had soon arrived. I’d been able to convince Mom and Dad that it was only a sleepover. Cathy arranged a phone call earlier that week, from her parents to mine. They assured them it would be fine for me to stay over. What I didn’t realize at the time was that Cathy’s parents had no idea that she planned a party while they were away. I guess her parents really trusted her. After all, not only had she been popular in school, but she was also one of the smartest girls in school, too. Dad drove me to her house. When we pulled up to the address, we were stunned. Cathy practically lived in a mansion. The home looked like something out of a magazine. Did we have the right address? I thought. I still remember Dad’s expression on his face.
