by Tanya South
“Sweetheart, are you sure we are at the right place?” he asked.
“I’m pretty sure, Dad. Her parents must be rich or something.”
The landscaping in the front of the house had been something I’d always imagine in one of my paintings. There were beautiful flowers everywhere. It looked like a bright, floral wonderland. There were pillars at the end of the driveway with a tall, black gate. There was an intercom with what looked like a surveillance camera above it. Dad pressed the button.
A voice called out through the intercom, “Hi, Natasha.” A buzzing noise sounded at the same time.
The black gate began opening.
“Wow,” I said. “I wonder what her mom and dad do for a living.”
“Tasha, remember what Mom and I told you. No going out without our permission. We agreed to the sleepover because we think it’s good that you are going to have some fun time with a friend. Mom and I have been worried about you.”
“I know, Dad. I will,” I said with some guilt.
I really wanted to tell him about the party, but I didn’t want Cathy getting in trouble. I’d also not be allowed to come to a party that wasn’t supervised by parents. I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. If only I had known that it would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Cathy had been waiting at the door to greet us. “Hello, Mr. McCarthy. Nice to meet you,” she said to my dad.
“Hi, Cathy. It’s nice to meet you, too.” Dad shook her hand.
She smiled at us. “Come on in.”
As we entered her home, we saw that the view inside was majestic. I’d never seen such high ceilings before. Hanging in the center of the ceiling was a gorgeous, gigantic chandelier. The floors were made of marble. It was absolutely breathtaking.
Dad looked around. “Are your parents here?”
“Umm, no. They stepped out. But I can have my mom or dad give you a call,” Cathy said nervously.
“Yes, please. You girls aren’t going anywhere, right? And, Tasha, you need to call me if you decide to go anywhere. We agreed to only a sleepover.” Dad gave me a stern look.
“Dad!” I said. He was embarrassing me. “I know. Don’t worry, Daddy.”
“I’ll be here at ten o’clock tomorrow morning to pick you up. We have church at eleven.”
“Got it, Daddy.” I kissed him on his cheek.
“Cathy, it was nice to meet you. Please ask your mom or dad to call me.”
Cathy smiled. “Sure, Mr. McCarthy, I will. Thanks for letting Natasha sleep over.”
Dad turned to me and said, “I’ll speak to you later, Sweetheart.”
“Okay, Dad.”
He had a hard time leaving me.
Finally, Dad left. I looked out of the window and watched his silver BMW slowly drive off the property.
“Yay! You’re free!” Cathy jumped up and down. “Aren’t you excited?”
“Ah, yeah. I guess.”
“Natasha, you have no clue how much fun we’re going to have tonight.”
“What about your parents? What if they call while the party is going on?” I asked worriedly.
Cathy laughed. “Natasha, Natasha…do you know how many times I’ve gotten away with this? Don’t worry. My parents will never find out. I’m a good girl, so they think.” She laughed and winked at me.
“What about my parents?” I asked.
“What about your parents?” she said sarcastically.
“Well, I know my dad. He won’t rest unless your parents speak with him. He thought at least one of them would be home. I just don’t want him coming back here and find us partying.”
“Don’t worry. I got you covered. Are you always like this?” Cathy chuckled, without a worry in the world.
“Actually, other than sleeping over my family’s home, I’ve never had a sleepover with friends before.”
“What!? Are you serious?” She looked shocked. “You poor thing,” she added then laughed. “You’ve been seriously sheltered.”
A couple of hours had passed. Cathy managed to have her mom call Dad. She explained to her mom we were just going to watch movies and do girl stuff. Now that that’s out of the way, other kids already started to arrive at Cathy’s house. She had me help her set up a bar table with all kinds of liquor. She also had a knack for preparing appetizers like mini sandwiches and some frozen finger foods I helped her bake earlier.
Before I knew it, the house was filled with teens everywhere. I’d gone upstairs to Cathy’s bedroom to get the Valium out of my bag. I had it hidden in one of the pockets inside my jeans. A few hours into the party, Cathy and a bunch of her friends insisted I join in on the drinking game. I hadn’t really drunk at all. They had no clue that I had taken my daily fix of pills. But afraid I wouldn’t seem cool, I joined in on the drinking game. The whole football team was there. One of the football players kept giving me flirty eyes. He was tall with dark hair and brown eyes, and so handsome. I just pretended not to notice. Cathy tried playing Cupid.
“Natashaaaaa, guess what?” Cathy asked with a wide smile.
“What?”
“I think Jeremy likes you. Do you see the way he’s been looking at you?”
“Umm, not really.”
“Don’t be shy. Go over there and talk to him.”
“No way!” I said.
“C’mon,” she said as she grabbed my hand to walk with her.
“Noooo!” I was mortified.
“Jeremy, have you met my friend Natasha? She’s a junior.”
There I stood, like a deer in headlights. I couldn’t believe Cathy put me on the spot like that.
He looked at me, and gave me the cutest smile. “Hey, Natasha, very nice to meet you.”
“Hi.” I felt stupid. It was the only word that could come out of my mouth. It was like the cat really had my tongue.
The next thing I knew, Jeremy and I were engaged in really good conversation. I thought to myself, Wow, this guy really likes me. He’s really interested in what I have to say.
It was too good to be true. An hour of talking and playing the drinking game went by. I never knew what it felt like to be drunk. The room spun. I laughed and laughed at pretty much everything. My heart raced and my stomach churned. My vision became a little blurred. I could hear Jeremy and his football buddies laughing and chanting. I heard another voice from a distance say, “Jeremy, she’s hot! Are you gonna get a piece of that?” I could hear other things being said, but at that moment the voices just echoed in my head.
I don’t know how much time had gone by, but I felt constricted, almost like a ton of bricks had been placed on my chest. I could barely get my eyes opened. But as I cracked them open slightly, I saw foggy shadows above me.
“Oh no!” I screamed.
Confusion sat in and I had been in somewhat of a paralyzed state. I could see Jeremy and a few of the other guys. I wondered what they were doing. I looked to my right and saw a door closed. I realized I was in one of the bedrooms upstairs. But I didn’t see Cathy anywhere. In fact, I didn’t see any of the other girls who were at the party.
I tried to cry out for her, but the words could barely slip out of my mouth. The word no was the only one I could spit out.
And there I went. I slipped into that dark, dead, and isolated garden again. There I lie in that dirty, muddy ditch. Instead of the monster that haunted me for years, these were new and different monsters. They were more hideous and evil than I’ve ever encountered. I let out bloodcurdling screams. One of the monsters said, “Shut up! Shut your mouth!” Simultaneously, I felt a hand press hard against my mouth. Not even a muffled sound could be made. The other revolting monster held both my arms down above my head as he stood behind me.
In my mind, I cried out for God. I asked him, Why me!? Why have you left me alone, again?
If I wasn’t sure before then, I was so sure at that very moment that God had been upset with me. God had abandoned me.
I lie in that garden naked and ashamed. I had been clo
thed with indignity, humiliation, mortification, and torture. The monsters laughed and mocked me. The agony and pain had been continually inflicted on my body.
I screamed inside, Stop! Please stop! I felt my flesh being torn apart.
I saw the fangs of one monster above me as his saliva dripped on my face. I turned my head to the left with my eyes shut tight, because his malevolent appearance scared me half to death. My soul’s existence in this desolate garden couldn’t take it anymore; it slipped into a black hole. All of my awareness and consciousness had slipped into a coma-like state, and all went black.
CHAPTER EIGHT
DAMAGED GOODS
JOB 13:15:
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.
My head felt like it had been smashed against a brick wall. It just pounded and pounded. It was like my head was being bashed open. My eyes opened up to an overly bright room. The blinds were opened. I looked down at my body with only my bottoms on and completely bare up top. I curled my body into fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. I could hear the emotional pain reflected in the sounds of my anguish.
Cathy walked in. “Natasha! What’s the matter? You need to get dressed. Last night you were out of control,” she said in her cocky tone.
“Cathy, what are you talking about? What happened to me? And where were you?”
“Girl, you were all over Jeremy. There were so many people here. He just said you guys were going upstairs for some privacy.”
“First of all, I don’t remember even so much as giving him a kiss. And privacy!? Is that what he told you?” I cried.
“Why are you so upset?” she asked. “You two looked like you were having a great time.”
I kept sobbing, though. “Cathy, I think…umm…”
“You think what?” Cathy asked, annoyed.
“That he attacked me, him and his other friends!”
“What!? Okay, you need to clear your head. No way! Jeremy wouldn’t do that,” she said, upset. “In fact, it was probably a mistake even inviting you here. Everybody hooks up, Natasha. That’s what happens in high school. You can’t go around accusing people just because you feel guilty for being loose,” she added so coldly.
“What? Do you think I’m lying? I trusted you. I thought you were my friend?”
“It’s almost ten o’clock. Your Dad should be here soon. He called you about half hour ago. I told him you were washing up. And by the way, it’s probably a good idea we don’t hang out anymore. My reputation in school is everything. And word of advice: grow up, Natasha.”
As I sat up slowly, it was as if my head weighed like a ton of bricks. I took a gander at the inside of my thighs because they ached so much. There were ugly bruises. I thought, Mom and Dad can never find out about this. They would kill me.
Dad finally arrived and waited in the car for me. I walked out without saying good-bye to Cathy. My heart hurt, my soul hurt, my body hurt. The pain I’d been suffering for years had only now deepened. How could I go on after this? It was torture sitting through the sermon at church. The topic was “trusting God even when you don’t understand it.” I started to think more and more. How could I trust or understand God’s reasoning for allowing me to keep going through this? I paid no attention to the pastor. I had tuned him out completely. After, I took two Valium pills as soon as I got home and just passed out. My mind tumbled back into that other world that coexisted with my real world. I dreamed I was running through that beautiful, vibrant garden, when all of a sudden, I heard a loud roar. I looked back and saw an abnormally enormous lion, a giant. He chased me, trying to catch me so that his teeth could shred me to pieces. I ran and I ran as the lion’s roars became louder and louder. I could sense he was very close to me. Then the light-brown lion’s appearance changed. He had transformed himself into a half lion, half some kind of other beast with long, muscular, humanlike legs. Fear seeped through my pores like sweat. I tried screaming, but just like in my past nightmares the screams had been silent. I had run so fast and so far that I wound up in that black, dead garden again. I couldn’t see anything in front of me or behind me. It was pitch black. But I could hear the sound of terror still chasing me. Now I screamed again.
“Tasha! Tasha, Honey, its Mom.” Mom woke me up.
My eyes opened and I was short of breath. I sat up and could see Mom right there, sitting beside me on my bed. I hugged her really tightly. “I love you, Mom.” I squeezed her some more.
“Love, what is the matter? Please talk to me,” Mom said desperately with watery eyes. “I thought you were turning the corner. You just stayed over a friend’s house. Is there anything you want to tell me?”
Oh, there was so much I had to tell her, but I just couldn’t. It had already gotten way too out of control. I’d allowed myself to be defiled over and over again. I thought about the night at Cathy’s house. I felt guilt. I blamed myself. I allowed this to happen to me. If I told her or anyone else, they’d think I was lying because I believed that I’d brought it upon myself. Besides, my innocence had been stripped away from me a long time ago. What difference did it make at that point? I’ve grown into this curvy, tiny-waisted, and well-endowed young lady. Even though I wore T-shirts and sweats to hide my body, it was almost as if the boys had x-ray vision like Superman. The beauty that everyone saw in me, I had considered to be a curse. I didn’t want to be pretty. Pretty had gotten me nothing but heartache and pain. Now I would be labeled with vile words, a young lady who was thought to be promiscuous. Even though that had been far from the truth, this had to be yet another ugly secret I would have to keep to myself.
“I’m okay, Mom. I just had a nightmare.”
“Was it that garden nightmare again, Sweetheart?” Mom asked.
“Ah…, no. I actually don’t remember. It’s okay. Right at this very moment, I feel safe here with you,” I answered while my head laid on her chest. Tears just flowed.
“I’m going to make an appointment for you to talk with someone again. I can’t help you, Sweetheart, if you don’t talk with me.” Mom just began crying. “I won’t stop praying to the Lord for you. God loves you, Honey, and so do I.”
God loves me? Really? Did she just say that? I thought.
How can God love someone but not save them?
The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.
I couldn’t express even my anger to her, because she’d wonder why and become suspicious. My heart had then given birth to all of those feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness. I learned to bottle up every single emotion inside. My heart turned into stone.
The weeks following that horrific night were a residual reminder of it. I thought it had been swept under the rug, but not quite. In the hallways at school other students would walk by me, and with the endless whispering, they’d say things like, “That’s her. That’s the girl I was telling you about.”
The stares were endless. Some guys would walk by and laugh at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. How could it be that I had been the one violated, yet I was the bad guy? I had been shunned by most. The rumor that had been going around at my high school was that I was “easy.” One afternoon, after being mocked, laughed at, spoken badly about, I couldn’t take it anymore. For the first time in a long time, I prayed to God:
Lord, I know I’ve been mad at you. I’m sorry for feeling abandoned by you. And I know you hear me. Is it a sin to want to end my life? Since I can’t hear you, I would think maybe it might be. But I’m asking you to forgive me ahead of time. Forgive me for being a coward. Forgive me for being so weak. But I just can’t live with this pain anymore. It’s already too late for me. I’m damaged goods. I’m praying that when I finally do it, you can give me a pass and please let me still make it into heaven. Mom and Dad always told me that in heaven there is no pain, no suffering, and no sickness. Well, God, that’s what I want. And please heal Mom and Dad’s pain—put it away from their hearts after I’m gone. Even after all of it,
thank you, Lord, that you gave me to the best parents ever. Okay, here I go. Please forgive me!
I opened my locker, slid my hand inside my gym bag, and took out the new bottle of pills I had just purchased earlier that week. I put it inside my pocket. I heard the bell rang. I was going to be late to class. But I wasn’t going to class anyway. I went into the bathroom instead. I couldn’t wait to do this after school or at home. It was too painful. I became desperate and had to end the pain as soon as possible. I went inside one of the stalls. I sat on the toilet crying. I just started to swallow the pills in small bunches. Before I knew it, I’d swallowed all of them. My life started flashing before my eyes. A flood of memories rushed like I had been watching a home-movie video. Birthday parties filled with so much love; waking up Christmas mornings to find all of my gifts under the tree. All of the nights Dad would read to me at bedtime, praying together as a family…then the overwhelming memories of horror, the monster’s face, and then the faces of the new monsters in my pathetic life. My eyes were crisscrossed. I felt like I was starting to have a heart attack. My stomach screeched with pain as I crouched over. I began sweating profusely. My mouth started foaming. I saw a light, and then I saw nothing at all.
Good-bye, miserable world.
CHAPTER NINE
RUNAWAY FROM LIFE
MARK 4:40
He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
Where am I? I heard beautiful songs of birds. I gazed up at the breathtaking, powder-blue skies airbrushed with the floating, cotton-like clouds. My surroundings were so bright, almost blinding. I felt a great sense of peace that I hadn’t felt since I was a little girl. I looked at my hands, my arms, and down at my legs; I was four years old again. It was the innocent me, the happy girl who believed in rainbows that are God’s promises, and in angels. It was “the happy Natasha.” Did I make it into heaven? I began walking, and in front of me was the most amazing, decorative garden I had ever seen. This is the garden I dreamed about so long ago. The garden was so full of life. The flowers varied from bright, neon pink and orange peonies; tall, bright, yellow sunflowers; and huge bushels of white and crimson-red roses. The aroma in the garden had been so delightful. Not even the earthly flowers smelled as rich and pure as these.
