Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  “I ate the last one, sorry.”

  “No worries. I’ll grab a pack of Pop-tarts.” Justin sighs, but he doesn’t push the issue. I place the Pop-tarts in the toaster and smile kindly as he hands me a latte. Justin’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. “Thanks for making this.”

  He grins sheepishly, raising his drink. “I fixed myself one, too.”

  My eyes dart to his face, then back to the porcelain floor. His favorite flavor latte is cinnamon vanilla, which is ironic because his natural scent smells similar to cinnamon. That night I smelled pine, which should’ve sent alarm bells immediately. Burrowing into a hole seems more tempting by the second.

  “You ready?” Justin snaps me back to the now.

  I nod, gathering my things to head out.

  * * *

  During the week, I attempt to act as normal as I can. Justin walks me to my classes, making idle chit-chat. He never tries to touch me. With the vibes that are popping off me, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to sense my distress.

  Jackson keeps his distance. I haven’t seen him once, at home or school—a welcome relief. If it works in my favor, I hope I never have to see him again.

  Justin and I are sitting in his Aviator on the side of our house with the heater running the following Friday. Justin glances at me, then shifts in his seat.

  “It’s killing me to see that something is troubling you.”

  Clearing my throat, I fidget with my hands. “I’m not sure what to say.”

  “How about telling me what’s wrong? Up until Christmas, things were perfect between us.”

  I miss our closeness, too. I just can’t fathom how it will be if we are intimate in any way. “I don’t know how to get close to you,” I admit.

  Justin slides over, and then he lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. His entire face is scrunched in pain. “What do you mean? It’s never been an issue before. Don’t shut me out, Madi!”

  How can I explain? “I don’t want to….”

  Justin’s beautiful features haunt me, but his eyes are searing me with such intensity, making it hard to look away. First, he kisses my forehead, followed by my lips. I shiver. He pulls me closer, kissing me with more pressure. As he kisses me with more passion, I kiss him back for a spell. I want him to erase everything his brother has taken from me.

  My heart begins to feel tight, like a fist is squeezing it. Against my will, I’m thrown into darkness, back to that night. My arms are aching from being pinned above my head—all the while wondering why he’s being so rough with me. I attempt to force my mind away from that dreadful night. But I stay paralyzed, having to endure the aftermath of what came with it.

  “Madi, Madi!”

  I look around dazed. “Where am I?”

  “It’s me, Justin.”

  Blinking rapidly, I’m back in his SUV. Justin is leaning over me and his eyes are as big as golf balls. I am a bit confused because Justin had disappeared.

  “Where did you go?”

  “What are you talking about?” I attempt to play it off. His brow furrows. I couldn’t be an actress.

  “You zoned out. One minute we were kissing, and then you stiffened in my arms. Your eyes were dilated and even though you were staring at me, you saw straight through me.”

  I cringe. Being with Justin is worse than I thought it would be.

  “You scared the heck outta me. Tell me what’s bothering you, please!”

  My heart continues to pound against my rib cage. I doubt if I can ever be intimate with Justin again. Just seeing his face puts me in a tailspin. My heart begs to differ, demanding I at least try. This is confirmation we can’t be together. When Justin kissed me, I’d hoped he could wipe away everything that occurred. Instead, it lurched me back into that night.

  Before, I used to love when Justin kissed or touched me in any way. Now, it is devastating to the core. His other half shattered what we had together. It feels like a hole is where my heart should be.

  On the verge of breaking down with the realization of what this means, I say, “I’m sorry Justin. I … can’t do this.” I flee from his truck before he can stop me.

  * * *

  Justin disappears all weekend—his truck is hardly home. I’ve managed to finally scare him off and have never felt worse in my life. My peers at Taylor begin noticing things aren’t the same between us early on in the next week. Justin hasn’t walked me to any of my classes—we’ve only said a quick hello in passing.

  On my way to lunch on Wednesday, I’m bombarded by my two besties.

  “Okay, spill it,” Lina says while we wait in the lunch line.

  I raise my eyebrow.

  “Don’t even try to deny it,” Cara chimes in. “You and Jenkins have been as tight as white ever since before Thanksgiving. But since last week you guys seem skittish around each other.”

  “Over the last two days, nonexistent,” Lina adds.

  How can I get around this? Lina knew something was wrong when I stayed at her house a few days over break. So far, she hasn’t questioned me further. “Justin and I are taking a break.” I hand the cashier money to pay for my lunch. “Things were just too hot and heavy.”

  They both gape at me. “How old are you, eighty?” asks Lina. “What’s wrong with things getting heated? I used to get hot just watching you two.”

  “Yeah, your chemistry was smoking hot,” Cara throws in.

  “That’s what I am talking about. I’m not quite seventeen yet. Too young to be getting that serious.” It’s a lousy excuse, just all that I can come up with at the moment.

  “With the way Justin looks—are you ill?” Cara stares at me like I’ve grown three heads. “Any gal in their right mind wouldn’t dare complain if they got a chance to make out with him anytime they could.”

  “Not to mention how well he treats you. Called you my love, for goodness sakes.” Lina puts in her two cents. “You were heads over hills, Madie. Cara and I can both see that you’re upset over it. What really happened? We hate seeing you unhappy.”

  We plop down at our usual table. My appetite vanishes. They’re my friends, and it’s nice to know they care. I just can’t tell them the truth. As far as I know, no one even knows Tanya and I live with them. “Okay, look … something did happen.” Flinching, I add, “I just can’t talk about it.”

  Lina reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “I thought you guys would be able to work through it.”

  “Justin and I care about each other…. It’s just too complicated to explain.”

  “Geez, sorry, Madison.” Cara’s eyes drop like she’s lost her best friend.

  “Certain circumstances are why we can’t be together. I’m not sure if the problem can be fixed.” My heart contracts as if it is being crushed. “Can we please change the subject?”

  With how my friends are both staring at me with expressions of regret, I doubt they will bring up the topic of Justin any time soon.

  * * *

  Thursday morning on our way to school, Tanya starts on me. “Looks like trouble down lover’s lane. Did you and Justin break up?”

  Trying a different tactic, I answer, “Our parents are dating and moved us all in together. We clicked, having a lot in common. Justin and I are friends, so I’m not sure why you’re reading more into it.”

  Tanya’s mouth drops open. “You’re kidding me, right? You wanna play the ‘we’re only friend’s card’ after you admitted to me that y’all were going out?” She bursts into hysterics. “Give me a break. Something happened, you look miserable.” I glare at her. Shrugging, she says, “Well, just wallow around then, I tried to talk to you about it.”

  Tanya knows how to comfort someone about as much as a snake does its babies.

  * * *

  Saturday, I eat leftovers from the night before, then I fix myself a latte. I need as much caffeine as possible, so I can stay up as long as I can. My plan is to stick my head in a book until I can’t keep my eyes open. Lately, sleep has become my en
emy. All week, I’ve been having nightmares of that night. It’s starting to become a horrible trend. After three nights in a row, I fear what tonight will bring. I’m going to drink lattes until my mouth grows dry—anything to stay awake.

  Saturdays are pretty quiet around here. Jackson and Tanya always have something going on with their friends. Neither of them is home. Before things went south, Justin and I would hang out for most of the day. With Regan and Mama heavy into real estate, Saturday is a busy day for them. They are normally gone all day with clients, or they go out together doing whatever.

  Deep in thought, I don’t pay attention and bump into Justin’s chest. My latte splatters on his shirt. “Gosh, I’m sorry, Justin.”

  His lips curl up, bashfully. “You’ve been known to be a klutz.”

  I feel my cheeks flame crimson. It’s a fact I’m fairly clumsy. I appreciate him making light of it. There has been so much tension between us since I’d bolted from his truck. Hot air is seconds from popping. “I hope that stain comes out.” My eyes dart from his shirt to his handsome face. My chest tightens, so I immediately look away.

  “Don’t worry about it. I was only joking.”

  “I know. I am clumsy, though.” He chuckles, a lovely sound I miss.

  “How’ve you been? We haven’t really talked.”

  Swallowing the huge lump in my throat, I reply, “That’s my fault.”

  “Well, I’ve been angry with you, also—wanting you to confide in me.”

  Silence looms in the air. I want to come forth, but how do I confess to him what his brother has done? Not your regular everyday conversation. “Justin … I hate the way things are between us.”

  He lifts my chin to meet his eyes. “Well, let’s fix this. You don’t have to tell me what happened. It’s obvious you don’t want to or can’t talk about it. Let’s just move forward.”

  “I don’t know if I can, and it’s not that I don’t care about you.”

  “I’ve never felt this way before.” His hazel eyes pierce me, then he shifts his weight. “I … love you, Madison Guillory.”

  My heart soars at his words. As I gaze into his attractive features my heart tightens, getting a flashback of terror. Why is life so messed up? My feelings for Justin overwhelm me, never having felt this way, either. Yet, I can’t even look him in the eye. Tears spring to the surface and begin to fall. Justin reaches up, wiping my tears. Just tell him, a voice inside encourages me. It’s on the tip on my tongue to blurt it out, then I see movement in my peripheral vision.

  Both of us turn. Jackson stands with his arms crossed, leaning against a wall. “Don’t let me interrupt.”

  Justin narrows his eyes. “As a matter of fact, you are.”

  “Please don’t stop on my account.” Jackson’s lips purse up.

  “You’re such a dick,” Justin replies.

  Jackson meets my eyes and terror consumes me. I feel myself being pulled into the darkness of that night. Unknowingly, I have begun to retreat. My back hits a wall. Justin switches his attention to me.

  “Madi, wait.”

  I don’t. Rushing to my bedroom, I lock the door. Racing to my pillow, I search underneath it for my friend, feeling more protected when I grip the knife.

  It seems like it takes forever for me to calm down. My stomach churns. Jackson had the nerve to just stand there, cracking his normal quips like everything is peachy. I feel awful for running out when Justin had declared his love for me. Not like I have a clue of how to respond. Telling him I love him back will only make matters worse. He wears his face. Deep in my core, I know I won’t be able to be with him anymore. I am damaged goods. Knowledge of this guts me. It will be difficult to do, but Justin deserves better than being strung along. I need to be honest with him. Problem is, we’ve already crossed a line. Being friends will probably not be an option at this point, either—too painful.

  28

  Going through the Motions

  Tapping lightly on Justin’s bedroom door, I hold my breath. It has been a few hours since our conversation got interrupted. I gather my remaining courage to finish this. I think he may not answer with as long as I stand here—maybe my anxiety makes it seem longer. Cracking his door, Justin peeks out.

  “Hi,” I say, feeling no bigger than a mouse.

  Justin’s eyes dilate. “Hey….”

  “May I please come in?” He opens the door wider, letting me inside. I fidget with my hands—Justin changes his footing. “I … wanted to finish our conversation from earlier.”

  “What happened? When my dick-wad brother interrupted us, you looked like you’d seen a ghost.”

  Best to just dive right in, because I am far from okay. “Justin … I’m going through a situation right now. So, I think we need to take a break from each other.”

  “What? Why do we have to break-up?”

  “It’s not right for me to string you along.”

  “I wanna be there for you. Let me help you through whatever’s going on.”

  “You can’t help me with this.”

  He closes the distance between us. I can’t meet his eyes. First, he kisses my forehead. I know what’s next. Lifting my chin, he leans in, kissing my lips. Lightly, and then with more pressure. I pull away, gazing into his hazel eyes. Staring at his identical features haunts me.

  My breath catches in my chest. I feel myself teetering on the threshold of darkness and light—the entire reason I must end this with him. “Justin, don’t.”

  Wrinkles line his forehead. “Is it something I did wrong?”

  “No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Well, if you aren’t mad at me, then we should work through it together. That’s the whole point of being in a relationship.”

  We are going in circles. I need to try a different tactic. “Certain circumstances are why we have to break it off. It’s not fair if I can’t give you my whole heart.” The issue is, he already has it. That’s what makes me saying this unbearable.

  My heart isn’t the problem, my mind begs to differ. I am not sure if I’m suffering from some sort of traumatic stress or what. But just glimpsing at Justin causes my chest to constrict. Let alone, when he kisses me, it almost sends me into a panic. Like I’m struggling to stay above water, suffocating, or attempting to keep myself grounded to the light. Glancing at his face is threatening to plummet me into the opaqueness of that night.

  “So this boils down to your feelings toward me. You don’t feel the same way?”

  He’s so far off the mark. “Justin, I care about you, a lot…. My feelings have nothing to do with it.”

  “You’re not making sense.” His bewilderment turns to anger, and he starts pacing. “Are you seeing someone else?”

  “Yes … I am,” I blurt before I can stop myself.

  A lie, but it may do the trick. I hate myself knowing this will hurt him more. Justin doesn’t seem like he wants to accept what I’m saying. I can’t go through with telling him the truth. Justin said he loved me, but he’s only known me for five months. Would Justin choose me over his twin that he has known his entire life? And Jackson scares me. He promised to take me down if I told. If I confess, would Jackson harm me worse than he already has? Fear above all overrules, so I keep the door to the truth locked.

  “Are you serious?” His eyes form into narrow slits.

  “He goes to Elsik. Actually, he used to go to my old high school, too.”

  “The guy you dated last year?”

  “Exactly. I ran into him and we kinda rekindled things. So, I can’t continue to lead you on.” I am pulling stuff out of my butt as I go. As horrible as this lie is, as much damage as it will cause, it seems to be my only option. Justin opens his mouth, and then closes it. His nostrils flare. Having never seen him so angry, I take a few steps toward the door.

  “Let me get this straight. You saw your ex and it got hot and heavy, so you’re dumping me for him?” I can only nod. His face contorts. “After all the time we’ve spent together?”
>
  I look away, hating Jackson even more. This is all his fault. “I never meant to hurt you, Justin.”

  “I don’t know what I believe anymore. I swear, if I see this dude….”

  I’m not sure what else to say. I should probably leave. Our conversation is getting intense.

  “I’ll tell you one thing—you’ve stomped all over my heart.”

  Tears spring to my eyes, and I fight to contain them. “I’m sorry.”

  “If someone had told me a year ago that I’d fall for my dad’s, girlfriend’s daughter, I would’ve laughed in their face. I’ve never loved anyone before. Yet, I confess my love for you, and you tell me you’re going out with someone else. You’re unbelievable!”

  “Please forgive me.”

  “Save your apologies. You wanna be with that guy, fine. I’m done trying.”

  The pain of his words feels worse than what his brother did. He turns away from me, nothing left to be said. He hates me now. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out. I rush from his room as sobs wash over me.

  * * *

  The rest of January is beyond awkward. Justin and I are only cordial to each other. Chicks at school are eating it up, especially Jennifer. I keep out of the spotlight. I hang with Lina and Cara at lunch or when we walk together in the halls. Other than that, I go straight to my classes and keep a low profile. Spanish II is torture. Justin still sits behind me, but we only say a quick hello and that’s about it. Not being with Justin is an agony I have never experienced. Attempting to push through what occurred and be with Justin afterward was giving me panic attacks, though. There is no other option, I remind myself.

  I spend most of my time trying to pretend it didn’t happen, to act normal. Burying my head in books helps somewhat. Before, I was a diehard romantic. Now I steer clear of that genre—can’t stomach it. Reading romance reminds me of what Justin and I have lost—what I felt forced to end. Dystopian is my new thing. Over the past few weeks, I’ve read all three books of the Divergent series, then I dived into the movies. During the day, in my free time, indulging in fantasy helps me to not think about my reality.