Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  “I don’t ... want you,” I stand firm.

  “Why not? You’re available now.”

  Is he freaking kidding me?!

  “You can at least try to give me a chance.”

  The X pumping through Jackson’s veins must trigger his maniac meter. How could he possibly think I would consider being with him after what he’s done? Jackson kisses my neck, all the while feeling me up. I cringe. Not again, is what I keep thinking. I need to distract him, so I can wiggle away from his grasp.

  “You can have any girl you want.”

  “That’s the problem. They’re all so easy. I love how you play hard to get. Your mouth says one thing—your body says another,” Jackson admonishes. “You’re reacting to my touch.”

  If he’s referring to my body’s trembling, that’s from fear. “What about Suri?” I attempt a different strategy.

  “What about her?”

  “Aren’t you dating her?”

  “Who I’m banging and who I truly desire are two different things. When I’m with Suri, I imagine it’s really you.”

  Oh, God! I must get out of here before he can have his way with me.

  “I’m going to remind you how good we are together.”

  He slams his mouth against mine, forcing his way in. I resist him for a minute until I realize that kissing him may be a means to escape. Swallowing my emotions of despair, I give in, letting him kiss me. He groans, burying his hands in my curls and kissing me harder. I must time this just right. I act before I lose the courage, biting his tongue. He inhales sharply, pulling away. I hop off the counter, kneeing him in the balls. He bends down, grabbing himself.

  “Stay away from me! You’re sick in the head!” I yell, running to the door.

  “You’re a bitch! I buy you expensive gifts and this is how you repay me. I’m done wasting my time with you.”

  I hurry from the bathroom—not willing to give him the chance to get his paws on me again. When I get to my room, I lock the door and grab my friend. If he comes in here, I swear, I’ll shank him. I hide inside my closet for I don’t know how long. My heart’s pounding. The only comfort is that he doesn’t come after me. I can only hope Jackson meant what he said.

  * * *

  The next day, I stay hiding in my bedroom until I can no longer ignore my needs. By lunchtime I’m starving. I creep my way into the kitchen, managing to fix a tray of food without bumping into anyone. Returning to my room, I congratulate myself on a job well done. Sitting on my bed, I spot a small black object on my nightstand that wasn’t there before.

  My head whips from side to side. Going to the closet, I check inside to be sure he’s not there. My hand trembles as I lift the lid on the box, revealing the amethyst earrings. I can’t believe Jackson snuck into my room to give them back to me.

  This guy is really bonkers!

  I notice the light blinking on my cell, notifying me of a message, missed call, or Facebook notification. Picking up my cell, I almost drop it when I see a text message from him.

  U left these in the bathroom. I’m sure u had a change of heart & will wear them. I’ll be very disappointed if u don’t.

  WTH! I drop my cell, covering my hand over my mouth. He really expects me to wear the earrings. What will happen if I don’t? If Jackson is bold enough to come inside my room to leave them, I’d hate to call his bluff. No longer hungry, I pick at my food.

  Later in the evening, a knock on the door startles me. The door handle turns, and my heartbeat quickens.

  “Why is the door locked?” Tanya asks.

  I crack the door. Ignoring her question, I ask, “What’s up?”

  “Regan cooked and Mama wants us all downstairs for dinner. She said to come help in the kitchen.”

  One big happy family. My luck has run out. They probably want us all together to celebrate their engagement. I won’t be able to avoid dinner. My eyes dart over to the nightstand to the earring box. If he’s at dinner and I don’t have them on, there may be consequences. With shaky hands, I put on the earrings. I despise him for backing me into a corner. I don’t understand why he can’t leave me alone.

  Downstairs, Justin is piddling around in the kitchen. The wicked twin and Tanya are hanging out in the breakfast area. Our parents aren’t in here yet. I can feel Jackson’s penetrating gaze, which I do my best to ignore.

  “Hey, what do you need help with?” I ask Justin. He normally helps his dad with cooking dinner.

  “I’m just about finished.” Justin’s lips curl upward.

  The wicked twin strolls into the kitchen, hovering nearby. “Those are nice earrings, Madison? Did your boyfriend give them to you?”

  Mr. Schizo has the nerve to ask, knowing darn well they’re from him. My chest contracts. My mouth forms into a tight line, refusing to answer. Justin steps closer, zoning in on them. I want to melt into the floor.

  “Those are pretty,” Justin’s brow furrows. His words don’t match his expression.

  “They look expensive. He must really like you,” the evil brother adds.

  I risk a quick glance at him, and he’s smirking at me. The butt-hole. I shift my weight, realizing this has been his plan all along. To make Justin jealous or to just plain torture me.

  Justin blows out his breath. Turning away, he continues with the tasks in the kitchen. Jackson’s penetrating stare is an inferno burning me from the inside out. I can feel it without even looking at him. I’m saved from further humiliation when Regan and Mama come into the kitchen.

  “Dinner smells delicious, darling,” Mama gives Regan a dazzling smile.

  “I’ll set the table so we can eat,” I say. Anything to get away from Mr. Wicked’s taunting scheme.

  30

  Confiding Confrontation

  By the second week of March, basketball is in full swing. It’s been over three weeks since the bathroom incident. Nightmares haunt me as well as my fear of him returning for thirds. I haven’t seen Jackson since then, which I can only be grateful for. Maybe he has finally gotten over his sick fascination with me. I keep telling myself that if he just leaves me alone, I can get over it. Graduate and then go to college in Baton Rouge. I’m sure I can spend the summer in Louisiana with Dariel or Grandma Thibodeaux. The thought gives me hope. Summer is less than three months away. I can endure staying here until then.

  Tired of moping and hiding out, I decide to attend Justin’s basketball game. I need a distraction and I have no ill-will toward that brother.

  Justin dunks hoop after hoop. Now I understand what everyone is talking about. Justin is a phenomenal player. I’m certain he’ll get the basketball scholarship he wants. He moves with such vigorous speed—it makes it hard to keep up. With every point Justin scores, the crowd whoops. I can’t help but feel proud of him. I’m glad I stepped out of my misery long enough to come support him.

  “Gosh, he’s so good!” Lina exclaims.

  We met here to watch Taylor’s home game together. “He sure is.” During the next play, Justin scores yet again. Fans go wild. It’s evident many of his number-one fans are chicks, fawning over him. Jealously courses through me. No longer having a claim over him, there’s nothing I can do.

  “I’m happy you finally came to a game,” Lina says.

  “Yeah, it’s good to get out.” No matter how awkward our relationship has become, I’ll always support Justin. I want him to have the best of life. That will never change.

  Tanya drops me home, but relays her night isn’t over. I thank Tanya for the lift. She mumbles a yeah, yeah, under her breath before driving off. Taylor creamed the other team with Justin as the star of the show. Being a school night, it’s already around the time I drift to sleep. With reoccurring nightmares, sleep is something I’ve been lacking lately. Exhaustion consumes me. Hopefully tonight, I can be pulled under the abyss with no dreams to stir me.

  * * *

  Before 6th period, Justin greets me at my locker. A welcome surprise. “Hi.” With how my voice shakes, it’s clear h
e’s caught me off guard.

  “I heard you were at my game last night?”

  “Yeah, I came. Great game, you’re really good. You’ll definitely get that scholarship.”

  His left dimple appears as he grins sheepishly and causes my heart to skip a beat. My feelings for him don’t seem like they’ll ever change. Aware our conversation is only friendly in nature, makes my chest constrict. It’s a fact of life I’ll have to deal with. Our parents are getting married for crying out loud.

  “You think so?”

  I return his smile. “I know so. Besides NBA stars, I’ve never seen anyone play like you did.”

  Justin’s lips curve up even wider. “It means a lot you feel that way. I’m psyched you came to a game.”

  Truthfully, I confess, “I’ll always support you.” His hazel eyes dilate, filling with warmth and wariness. I feel exactly like him—attempting to tread through a peculiar friendship aka future sibling relationship is beyond difficult—almost impossible.

  Sighing, Justin replies, “I won’t even pretend to understand what happened with us. It went from something beautiful, to you not even being able to stand the sight of me overnight.”

  I shift my weight, hating that he’s hit the nail on the head. I’m angry at myself because I am the reason behind his pain. “Justin, that’s not true.” It is. My list of lies is getting long. My qualms are such a contradicting dilemma. Justin is not what causes my turmoil, yet he’s still a part of it, triggers it—his same face—identical features.

  “Okay, I’ll play along.” Justin rubs his palm over his head. “Your mom and my dad are planning on getting hitched soon. I’d like for us to at least be friends.”

  “I’d like that, too.” I’m not sure how a friendship will work out. My heart still wants him—my mind won’t allow me to have him. From books to TV to stuff I’ve seen in reality, the heart normally wins out over the mind. This time it’s a different scenario. Battling against my mind causes me to have panic attacks, so my heart is fighting a losing battle. That being said, I need to find a way to be his friend—to at least be able to have a conversation with him without all the uncomfortableness.

  “How about coming to my home game next week against Hastings? It’s one of our biggest games of the season.”

  I expand with warmth that Justin wants my support and hasn’t cast me away. “Sure, count me in.”

  Due to the cruelness of life, we’ll probably never be best buds. I do want him in my life any way that I can handle. Being his future stepsister may be the best it can get.

  * * *

  Jolting awake, terror fills me to my core. Sitting up quickly, I cradle my chest. My heart is pounding so fast, it feels like it’s attempting to escape from my ribcage. The nightmares have morphed from my bedroom that night, to the bathroom counter the night of my birthday. I prayed overtime my nightmares would lessen. Instead, they’re getting worse. Something has to give. I can’t keep living in fear.

  Maybe if I tell someone it will help. Thinking about revealing the truth causes my chest to tighten. But trying to shove my turmoil to the rear of my mind isn’t succeeding. With each passing day, it’s creeping up more and more. His face haunts me, threatening to consume me completely.

  Daylight seeps from my blinds, and I’ve yet to return to sleep. Last night’s terror felt too real. Beating down my fear, I make a decision. I’m going to talk with Tanya about it. That night, Tanya had turned her music down. Maybe Tanya heard my pleas, but thought she was imagining things, so she cranked her volume back up. Before I took a scalding shower, I caught her peeking out of her door. I wasn’t sure if she’d seen Jackson come out my bedroom earlier. Tanya may not have seen him, but I’m going to confess. We aren’t close, and she is the last person I thought I’d confide in. Tanya is my sister, so she seems to be the person I should go to. Confessing to my sister has to be a step in the right direction.

  Since today is Saturday, Tanya will sleep in. I need to catch her before the day gets in full effect. She’s rarely home on a Saturday evening.

  Later in the afternoon, I gather courage, walking to her bedroom. I gently knock on her door.

  When Tanya opens the door, her forehead wrinkles. “What’s up, Madison?”

  “Um … I wanted to talk to you.” She swishes her hand in a come in gesture. I trudge inside.

  Tanya pivots to face me. “Well, let’s have it.”

  Guess I’ll just have to spit it out. She isn’t being patient. “Do you remember the day after Christmas when Regan and Mama left for Lake Charles?”

  “Yeah, what about it?”

  “Late that night you had your music blasting. You turned it low, so I thought you … might’ve heard me.”

  “I have my music loud on plenty of nights. Did it wake you or something?”

  “Do you recall when you were looking out your bedroom door and we made eye contact?”

  Her brow knits. “Vaguely, what are you getting at?”

  Taking a deep breath, I continue. “Okay … so I was sleeping, and then I woke up and Jackson was standing over me.”

  “Doing what?”

  “He climbed into bed with me and things … got heated between us, but….”

  She cuts me off. “You were making out with Jackson, too!” Her eyes form into narrow slits. “I can’t believe you.”

  “Wait, you’re taking this the wrong way. I thought he was Justin at first.”

  Her nose turns up. “What do you mean?”

  “My room was dark … they’re twins. Jackson didn’t correct me when I called him Justin. He wanted me to think he was his brother.”

  “You guys had sex? I’m confused.”

  “He was kinda acting weird. Initially, I assumed it was because he was drunk. He also admitted to taking Ecstasy. He pleaded with me to sleep with him until finally, I gave in. It wasn’t until afterward that I realized the horrible truth. When I confronted Jackson, he lost it and attacked me.” Tanya’s honey-brown eyes grow wide, and then her face contorts. Maybe she is scared because of what I went through.

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  My nose wrinkles. “I am dead serious.”

  “So, you’re trying to say what … Jackson forced himself on you?”

  “It’s complicated. I only conceded because I thought it was Justin. He deceived me, pretending to be his twin.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “When Jackson was in … it was painful. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t.” I tear my eyes away from her judgmental stare. “Look, this is hard for me. What he did is eating away at me. It’s not the only time, either. The night of my birthday, Jackson tried to force himself on me again.”

  “What happened?”

  “I managed to knee him in the balls and get away.”

  “Honestly, Madison, I don’t know what you want from me—a shoulder to cry on?”

  My neck jerks backward. Her defensive demeanor is throwing me off kilter. Tanya’s words don’t match her body language. She seems irritated. “I’m anxious all the time and my nightmares are getting worse. We’re sisters, so I thought you could tell me what to do.” Tanya’s head falls back in hysterics. Of all reactions I thought she’d have, laughing sure wasn’t on the list. “What’s so funny?”

  “You’re a piece of work. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “First, Justin, now Jackson.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Jackson has already filled me in on how you’ve been flirting with him.”

  “He’s a damn liar!” I rarely cuss. At the moment, I’m about to blow a fuse.

  “Jay told me you pursued him. Pressed him to be intimate, but he said no. Justin’s crazy about you, so he could never do that to his brother. Jay enlightened me that you got upset behind his rejection. Justin found out you were trying to get with him and that’s why y’all are on the outs.”

  I can only gape at her. Jackson is already fulfilling his p
romise, planting a seed. Is Tanya really buying into this? “You think I’m making this up?”

  “Well, it makes sense. Jay shared with me how you lashed out at him. You were embarrassed after he called you out on wanting him after you’d already been with Justin.”

  “Why would you believe him over your own flesh and blood?” People don’t just go around claiming someone tricked them into having sex, and then sexually harassed them, for kicks and giggles. For Tanya to believe him over me, there must be a reason.

  Tanya shakes her head. “You’ve been lost ever since dad died.”

  “This has nothing to do with our father! Do you really think I would go to this extreme just to spite Jackson?”

  “Honestly, I feel you’re still grieving from our father’s death. And yeah, people will go all out to get attention. You’ve been dying for it since I can remember, because I’m the one who always gets it.”

  “What is wrong with you? I’ve got nothing to gain from spreading a vicious lie about Jackson.”

  “I’ve been watching you. You may have feelings for Justin, but you also have a thing for Jackson.”

  “You need an eye exam, because I’ve never been anything except cordial with Jackson.”

  “It’s sad you’d stoop this low, determined to throw him under the bus like this.”

  My blood boils at her accusations. I chose her to entrust my secret with and she’s throwing it in my face. “You’re as delusional as he is. Why did I ever think you would be there for me?”

  “Shame, I’m only being honest. I think you need to find a way to deal with what happened to dad. The truth hurts, because now you’re lashing out at me.”

  “I’m trying to tell you the truth! You’re not listening, only twisting my words.”

  “Justin broke up with you, and this all boils down to your hurt pride.” I ball my hands into fists. “Jay predicted you’d try to cause problems for him and his brother—just because he rejected you and put you in your place.”