Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  “What are you talking about?”

  “At the precinct you flat-out lied. Why didn’t you admit that I told you Jackson and I slept together, and he tricked me by saying he was Justin? Instead, you made it seem like I was a slut who threw myself at them both.” Her honey irises grow as big as golf balls. Yep, I overheard the conversation. Guess she’s figuring that out now.

  Gathering her composure, Tanya squares her shoulders. “Why are you being such a snob? Can’t you let bygones be bygones?”

  Guilty as charged with no excuse, so she throws up her defenses. “Tell me this, dearest sister, have you been screwing Jackson?” I smirk—she cowers. I wait impatiently, tapping my foot, while she shifts her weight. Her silence is answer enough. The seed he has planted, sprouted into a Venus Fly trap. I turn on my heels—there is nothing left to be said.

  46

  Mi Amor

  The following evening, a black car pulls up I don’t recognize. Yeah, I’ll admit, I’ve been staring out the window hoping he’d show up. At first, I thought Charlotte was coming for another visit. Justin and I haven’t crossed paths, and he hasn’t contacted me, so I’m surprised to see him getting out of the car. It must be a rental. I’ve told myself he needed time to absorb what he’d found out. All yesterday, I bored holes through my cell screen. Justin believed my confession. He even fought his twin because he was so upset over it. I thought about reaching out to him but considering the situation decided against it.

  Now my stomach is in my mouth as Justin walks to the front door. I hope he didn’t see me being a Peeping Tom through the curtains. Dari and her parents are visiting for dinner. I go to my bedroom, to allow someone else to answer the door. The chime of the doorbell shoots tingles down my spine.

  Not long after, Dari comes to my room. “Hey, guess who’s here?”

  “No clue.” A fat lie!

  “Your boy, Justin. Do you want to talk to him?”

  “Of course, it’s just….”

  “Now he knows the truth,” Dari finishes for me.

  “Yeah, I haven’t known what to think.”

  “Well, he’s here, so that’s good. You can get everything out in the open.”

  “We’ll see how this goes. Has he said anything?”

  “My parents were about to pounce on him. My mom even more so. He cleared up that he was Justin real quick.”

  I’m not shocked Aunt Cass is being overprotective. Whatever grudge she has against my mama—she doesn’t hold it against me. Ever since I returned to Baton Rouge, Aunt Cass has been coming around more often. After learning about the charges, she’s been a mother hen to me. She came over and hugged me for what seemed like five minutes straight. Aunt Cass kept saying how sorry she was, and that she was proud of me for doing the right thing. By taking a stand, I would spare another poor girl from the same fate. I can’t help wondering if my situation is personal for Aunt Cass given the haunted look in her eyes as she spoke. I didn’t dare ask her if anything like this had happened in her past. If that’s the case, I’m even more glad I have come forward. I haven’t shared my assumptions with Dariel—not wanting to cause drama if I’m off the mark.

  Dari sees the look on my face. “Don’t worry, it’s all good. Justin is waiting in the family room.” Her eyes light up. “I can see why you’re so smitten over him, Madie. He’s drop-dead gorgeous—so dreamy.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” I shake my head. “Tell him I’ll be out in a minute.”

  “Will do.”

  Sighing, I take a deep breath, then I head out to greet him. Justin is sitting on a sofa, looking a bit uneasy. Dari grins wider when she spots me. Her parents are on another couch. Uncle Drew appears to be sizing him up. Aunt Cass looks impassive. Justin’s and my eyes lock. His expression is guarded, and my chest tightens.

  “Hi, Madison,” Justin says.

  “Hey, Justin, I see you’ve met my Uncle Drew, Aunt Cass, and cousin, Dariel.” He nods. Gigi comes into the room as I speak. “This is my Grandma Thibodeaux.”

  “Hello, ma’am,” he greets Gigi.

  “Would you like dinner?” Gigi asks him.

  “No, thank you. I ate before I came.”

  “I’ll be in my bedroom if you need me, Madie,” Gigi relays, catching the hint.

  My aunt and uncle shift in their seats. Dari jumps in. “Let’s get going, guys.”

  “We can stay longer,” Aunt Cass suggests. My aunt is slow at getting the message.

  Dari starts gathering their things. “Mom, come on.”

  “I think we’re being kicked out,” Aunt Cass says, smirking.

  “Will you be okay, Madison?” Uncle Drew wants to be sure.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  Dari ushers them quickly to the door. “Madie, make sure to call me later.”

  Justin smiles to himself, and I roll my eyes. Of course, she’ll want the 411. Once they leave, Justin blows out his breath. “Can I at least get you something to drink?” I offer.

  “No, I’m good.” Justin sits with his arms resting on his knees, looking at me like he is trying to search inside of my soul. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you.”

  “It’s okay, I understand.”

  “No, I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’ve just been kinda out of it since Monday.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I feel like I’m somehow responsible.”

  “You’re not.” I exhale loudly. “Why would you think that?”

  “I’m … just grasping at straws.” We both stare at each other, at a loss for words. Finally, Justin breaks the sound barrier. “How’s your daughter?”

  “Justice is doing well, gaining weight—she’s a greedy little thing.”

  Justin chuckles. “I love her name. It’s similar to mine.”

  “Of course, you’d pick up on how the name is close to yours,” I tease.

  “I like what her name stands for.”

  “I agree. I thought it was the perfect name for her.”

  “May I see her?”

  “Sure you can. She’s taking a nap.” Justin follows me inside of Justice’s room. I peek over the crib bars just as she is opening her eyes. I scoop her up into my arms.

  “Aw, Madison, she’s beautiful.”

  Justice is five weeks old. Her complexion has turned to a caramel-brown, the same color as Justin’s skin tone. She has his facial features—high cheek bones, a rounded nose, and full lips. “She inherited my curls, but her hair is black.” Justice looks up at him and coos.

  “She also has your gorgeous cinnamon-brown colored eyes.”

  Justice’s cat-shaped eyes are about the only facial feature she inherited from my genes—besides the curls. The rest is all him. Justin must sense where my thoughts are stirring.

  “So, there was never another boyfriend?” Slowly, I shake my head. Agony engulfs his face. “Seeing Justice makes this real,” he whispers so quietly, I can hardly hear him. “She is really his … my niece?”

  I can’t meet his eyes. He’s aware of the truth because she is staring him in the face. But sometimes you must hear things in order to accept them. Bravely, I admit, “That was the first and only time I’ve ever … Jackson is her father.”

  Justin flinches, sucking in a deep breath, like he’s been punched in the stomach. Gigi picks the perfect time to interrupt. Justin looks off to the side.

  “I see Lil Mama’s up.”

  “I’m sure she’ll be wanting to eat shortly,” I reply.

  “How about I feed her. That way you and Justin can finish chatting.”

  I hand Justice over to her. Gigi kisses her forehead. She glances at me before she leaves. “Let’s go to my bedroom to talk.” He nods. We need to finish this. I know he has questions, and it’s high time I tell him everything. I’m no longer going to allow this secret to hold its clutches on me.

  Once inside my room, I shut the door, leaving a crack. I settle on my bed—Justin takes the chair at my desk. I break th
e ice, talking about school. “How’s your senior year going?”

  His lips curve up shyly. “It’s okay. I miss you going to Taylor.”

  Justin is still a sweetheart, a quality I love about him. “I miss us going to school together, too.”

  “How’s school on your end?”

  “I’ll start back next week.”

  “Will you be graduating from the alternative school?”

  “If things go according to plan, I’ll be able to go to Winsten my last semester and graduate from there.”

  “Well, that will be good if you and Dariel can graduate together. I can tell you guys are close.”

  “Yeah, we are. Graduating together was always the plan.” I shift my weight. “Has anybody asked about me at Taylor?” I can’t help but wonder.

  “A few people. I don’t entertain them. I basically blow them off until they take a hint.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  “It’s none of their nosy business, anyway.”

  My next question slips before I can stop myself. “How’s Reba? I mean, are you guys dating? You seemed to be getting close before I left.”

  Justin’s hazel eyes dilate for a second. “We’re friends … just kinda getting to know each other at this point.”

  I walked right into that one. I do appreciate his honesty. “I see.”

  “I like Reba. She’s just not who I truly want.” Justin swallows hard. “Are you with anyone?”

  My mind constantly plays tricks with me, causing my emotions to be tightly wound in a typhoon of chaos. From day to day, I never know what Madison I’ll be. The angry, sorrow-filled one, or a glimpse of who I used to be—a person who tries to see the best in people and have a positive outlook. My heart has never wavered, knowing exactly what it wants. My mind begs to differ. Being in a relationship again seems far out of reach.

  “Gosh, no. I’ve barely gotten my head on straight just giving birth, but it’s time I come to terms with what’s happened. It’s the main reason I went forward with pressing charges. I need to see this through before I lose my courage. Maybe then, my nightmares will stop.”

  Justin squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry my brother did this.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “I … you don’t have to talk about it.”

  “I’m sure you have questions. More importantly, I need to finally get this off my chest.”

  “It happened the day after Christmas?”

  “You spent that night over your homeboy’s house.” Justin curses under his breath. “I fell asleep waiting on you.” I stand. Somehow, standing makes it easier to confess. “Jackson came into my room and pretended to be you.”

  “So that’s what they meant by coerced you.” Justin jumps to his feet and begins pacing.

  “My room was dark. Jackson didn’t correct me when I called him your name, and he called me, Madi.” Justin closes his eyes as if hearing this is too much too bear. “I was hesitant to go through with it because you—he—was intoxicated.” I swallow the knot in my throat. “He pleaded with me about how much he wanted me. Against my reservations, I gave in. I’m sorry, Justin. I only went through with it because of the way I felt about you.”

  “It’s not your fault my brother manipulated you. How would you have known it wasn’t me in the dark? And in what twisted world would you have ever thought it was my twin?” Justin sighs. “How did things….”

  End badly, is what he probably means. “Jackson wasn’t gentle. When I begged him to stop—he wouldn’t. I told myself it was okay because it was you, and first times were supposed to hurt.”

  He sucks in a deep breath. “Did … he hit you?”

  I change my footing. I can’t meet his eyes as I admit this. “Afterward, he called me sweet-cheeks and I questioned it being him. I freaked out, realizing it was Jackson. When he saw how upset I was, he lost it. He cornered me, wrapping his hands around my neck.”

  “Madison, stop.” Justin presses his palms over his ears. “Please … I can’t hear anymore or I’m gonna murder my brother.”

  “I wanted to tell you. I … didn’t know how and knew it wouldn’t solve anything. I mean, I gave myself to him willingly.”

  “It was under false pretenses. That’s not willingly. You didn’t think I would believe you?”

  “I thought you would choose him over me. Tanya did.”

  “She’s a poor excuse for a sister,” he says through clenched teeth.

  “Jackson threatened if I said anything, he’d tell you that I’d known it was him all along. That we had been flirting beforehand. I didn’t know how you would react, so I chose to remain silent.”

  Justin shakes his head, deep in thought. “At the precinct, they made it seem like it was more than one occurrence.”

  Clearing my throat, I reply, “There was another time Jackson took advantage of me. On my birthday, later that night, he cornered me in the bathroom.” Justin’s eyes grow so big, I quickly add, “I got away from him before it got out of hand.”

  “What did he do?”

  “First, he tried manipulating me with a gift. Shocked, I accepted it, so he wouldn’t get upset.”

  “Wait, is he the person who gave you those purple stone earrings?”

  Hesitantly, I nod. “Jackson felt me up and talked about giving him a chance, since you and I had broken up.”

  “What the fu….” Justin’s chest is heaving. “What the hell is wrong with my brother?”

  I don’t back down, telling him the rest. “His pupils were so dilated, I could barely see his irises. He admitted to taking Ecstasy, like he had the night after Christmas. Maybe he has a drug addiction.”

  “How could this have happened right under my nose? I knew something was wrong. I just had no idea it was this bad.”

  “How would you have known? I didn’t fess up and Jackson hid it from you.”

  “I’m sorry you had to face it alone.”

  “You believe me. That’s all that matters.”

  “Now it makes sense.”

  “What does?”

  “How you couldn’t even stand to look at me. We have the same face.”

  Justin hits the nail on the head. “I’m … sorry.”

  “You have nothing to apologize for. You’ve dealt with this the best you could. This is all my brother’s fault. He took you away from me. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done, but I can’t help feeling like this is my fault, too.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I knew Jackson liked you.” He rubs his palm over his head. “I … don’t even know who my brother is anymore. I never thought he was capable of something this horrible. “Madi, I’m so sorry.”

  Tears slip from his eyes, which gets me choked up as well. Now we’re both crying. He pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly. I hold on to him for dear life. We stay in each other’s embrace for a while.

  “This Love Jones is a bastard,” Justin sighs.

  “What do you mean? Are you referring to the movie?”

  “I’m referring to the phrase behind it. I have all these feelings for you with no idea of what to do with them. You were ripped away from me, and I’m still in love with you.”

  “I still love you, too, Justin.”

  His breath falters. “You … love me?”

  “I kinda thought it was obvious.”

  “I’d hoped, but I wasn’t sure. You never said you did.”

  “When I realized that I did, it was too late. Your brother came into the picture and….” Justin’s eyes pierce me—like he can see straight through me.

  “It’s never too late for love,” he says, like he’s quoting beautiful poetry.

  Justin kisses my forehead, followed by my lips. I moan. He brushes his lips over mine again with more pressure. On autopilot, I part his lips with mine. Justin groans, holding me tighter. His kiss fills me with need as our mouths become one. As the kiss grows more intense, it sets me ablaze. His marvelous cinnamon spice scen
t smells like safety. For a moment, I forget. I’m able to get lost in touch and sensation as our lips dance in sync, familiar with each other.

  I want him to take away the ache—heal the hole where my heart is. If only it were that easy. What I experienced seems to have damaged me. Justin entangles his hands in my curls and darkness creeps around the edges. The opaqueness threatens to pull me under the abyss as images of that night start to surface. My chest constricts. I break our kiss, startled at seeing his face. I step away, trembling. No, wait, it’s Justin—not him.

  “Madison … I didn’t mean to upset you.” Justin hangs his head low.

  I hate myself at the moment, feeling like a freak. Will I ever get over this fear—ever be able to kiss without panicking? “It’s not you. It’s hard for me to get close now.”

  Justin’s Adam’s apple bobs. “I understand. I just miss you so much. I still want to be with you, mi amor.”

  Had I thought when I’d first moved back and told him good-bye was painful? This feels much worse. “I still want you, too. I just can’t….” Swallowing hard, I admit, “Even if I can make it over this intimacy hump, I don’t know if I could ever be with you without having scorn.”

  Pain is evident in his handsome features. “Is it because we have the same face?” Justin whispers.

  Loving and hating the same face is pure torture. I want to kiss Justin and punch him simultaneously. “I don’t know if I can ever get over it, and that’s not fair to you.”

  “You’re a wonderful person, Madison. I will never understand why bad stuff happens to good people.”

  My cheeks feel flushed at his compliment. “One good thing did come out of it, my daughter. No matter what I went through, now that I have her, I couldn’t imagine not.”

  “Justice is special because she’s a part of you.”

  I smile at him, grateful for his kind words. “You always know the right thing to say.”

  “So this is it? We can never be more?”

  “I wish we could be. I just don’t see how.”

  Justin lifts my chin to meet his warm hazel eyes. “I have no choice but to accept that our lives have taken a different path.”