Welcome to Blissville

by Walker, Aimee Nicole

  “Well,Christmas is in a few days and New Year’s is the week after. How do you feel about mid-January? Will that be long enough?”

  “I’ll make it work. Let’s get it scheduled.”

  We went over the pre-op tests that I was required to undergo the week before surgery, so I knew I had to do my traveling and get back to Cincinnati in two weeks instead of three.

  “Emory!” Granddad joyfully cried when I entered his study. “Oh, it truly is Christmas. How long are you staying, my boy?”

  “I thought I’d stay with you until after Christmas and then I thought I’d ring in the new year with Memphis.”

  Connor Whelan shoved the quilt that covered his legs to the side and slowly rose to his feet. I would’ve told him to stay seated, but he wouldn’t have listened. “Come give an old man a hug; I don’t know how many Christmases we have left together.”

  “Don’t say that, Granddad.” My voice thickened with raw emotion. I hugged my granddad as tightly as I dared while being careful not to hurt him. He had always seemed larger than life to me and feeling his frailty rocked me to the core. He had always been my champion in the world; my hero. There was no way I’d risk not seeing him one more time.

  “Don’t be sad for me, Emory. I’ve lived a long, happy life.” I pulled back and smiled into his eyes. I wasn’t about to correct his notion that it could be his last Christmas. “Have you talked to your mother lately?”

  “No,” I admitted. “I attempted a few months back,” more like eight, not that I was counting, “but Audrey couldn’t be bothered with returning my call. You and Memphis’s family have always been enough for me though.”

  “Now that you’re here, I’ll have Juanita make all your favorite foods for the holiday meal. How does that sound?” His excitement was contagious, and I stopped worrying about my upcoming surgery and the phone call I still had to make. I sent an expensive bottle of Whelan Whiskey to Jon for Christmas, but he didn’t call or text to acknowledge that he received it. I knew it would take more than a bottle of fine liquor to apologize for my behavior, but I thought it was a good start.

  The five days I spent at my granddad’s house was the most peaceful I’d had since River died. We spent most of our time in the cozy library reading books by a crackling fire or watching his favorite black-and-white movies. Alcohol was prohibited with the medications I started taking, so I enjoyed hot teas, coffee, and hot chocolates. When it was time for me to leave, Granddad took my hand and looked up at me through watery, green eyes.

  “I can tell that you’re going through a difficult time, Emory. You’re a very strong man, and I’d like to think you get that from me. Even the strongest men need to unburden their souls and lean on someone from time to time.” Granddad squeezed my hands and added, “You’re not alone.”

  “I’m in a good place, Granddad.”

  He quirked a brow like he didn’t believe me, but didn’t call me on it. “Don’t wait another year to visit, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said around the lump in my throat. “I love you.”

  I needed to say those three little words to a few people over my remaining days before surgery. Memphis was next on my list. I expected him to take one look at me and demand answers. Instead, he hugged me tightly. He probably assumed my mood was more of the same he’d witnessed in the five years after losing River. I had hoped to wait until the last minute to come clean and ask him to stay with me and act as my medical power of attorney. Unfortunately, I’d left my prescription bottles on the bathroom sink for him to see.

  Memphis walked into the living room with my pill bottles in one hand and his cell phone in the other. Tears streaked down his face, and he struggled to speak. I knew that he’d looked up information about my drugs online and had jumped to the worst conclusions.

  “It’s not as bad as you think.” At least I hoped that was the case. I sat Memphis down and told him everything I knew up to that point.

  “Were you even going to tell me?” Memphis asked once he calmed down.

  “Of course,” I said casually. “I also planned on asking you to be my medical power of attorney in case I’m not able to make decisions regarding my care.” He was also the executor of my estate, but I didn’t tell him that after I saw the fear on his face when I mentioned the medical POA.

  “Of course, I’ll do it.” Memphis took a shaky breath and released it slowly.

  Neither of us was up to a wild time to ring in the new year, so we settled for delicious pizza and some rousing board games. I kicked Memphis’s ass at Clue, and he whipped me good at Monopoly. “You have a knack for business, Memphis. Maybe it’s time you did something with it.”

  “The only thing I love is comic books and memorabilia. I can’t see myself making a living off of either of those things.”

  I let the subject drop because the last thing I wanted to do was make Memphis feel bad about himself. I just wanted him to be happy, and I also wanted to live long enough to see it happen. I pushed the maudlin thoughts aside and looked back at the television where they ball was starting to drop in the Big Apple. I picked up my cell phone just as the hosts started the countdown to the new year.

  I pulled up Jon’s contact info and sent a quick message to him before I could change my mind. Happy New Year, Jon. I didn’t expect him to fire back a message right away, but I expected him to respond within a day or two. When that didn’t happen, I realized that I had hurt him far worse than I imagined. Well, it looks like I can cross that conversation off my list.

  Three days before my surgery, Josh and Gabe came home with their babies, Dylan and Destiny. I went to their home for a celebration with our friends and was shocked when Jon showed up. I had hoped that his lack of response was from him not getting my message, but I could tell by the distant look in his eyes that he got it and chose to ignore it. I told myself not to be sad, but my heart didn’t listen.

  I fussed over the babies and breathed in the happiness, love, and joy I felt in the room. I laughed along with everyone else when Josh had a little meltdown when he learned that Kyle and Chaz got married in Vegas. I was truly happy for the newlyweds and hoped that I would be around to celebrate the reception that they planned for their friends and family.

  I was too nervous to eat the pizza we’d ordered before Josh and Gabe arrived. The tension was making my low-grade headache worse. I decided to say goodbye to the happy new dads and head on home for a hot bath and a quiet evening. Memphis was due to arrive in two days, and I just needed to stay busy until then. I caught Josh and Gabe outside the kitchen as they headed in to get a bite to eat.

  “Can I talk to you guys for a minute?”

  “Is something wrong?” Gabe asked me. Both he and Josh wore matching looks of concern on their faces. I guessed my voice wasn’t as calm as I had hoped.

  “No,” I said, hoping that I sounded convincing. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving town for a little bit to take care of some personal things. I don’t like to just drop out of sight without telling you.” My voice cracked, and I broke eye contact to look down at my shoes. Damn, this is harder than I thought. I knew I was going to lose it and decided to say what I needed to and leave.

  Josh stepped up to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Emory, there’s something obviously wrong. Won’t you tell us?”

  I only shook my head. I wouldn’t burden them with my troubles. I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

  “Is this like the last time when you left before our wedding?” Josh asked. “You’re coming back, right?”

  “I hope so,” I replied softly. “But if not, I want you to know that your friendship has come to mean the world to me. The two of you have restored my faith in humanity.”

  “Emory, is there anything we can do to help you?” Gabe asked.

  “I appreciate that so much, Gabe, but, unfortunately, this is something that I’ll have to do alone.” I hugged Josh first then Gabe. “I love you both. I’m sorry that I ruined your first
night home with the babies. I’ll be leaving soon, and I couldn’t go without saying goodbye.”

  “So long for now. You’ll be back, Emory,” Josh said confidently. He added a wink and said, “I know things.” I smiled at Josh’s attempt at a joke, but I couldn’t give him the response he wanted.

  “There will always be a place for you at our table, no matter how long it takes you to find your way back to us,” Gabe told me.

  Tears slid down my face unchecked, and I turned and left without another word. I had almost made it to my car when I heard Jon calling my name. I stopped and let him catch up to me. His strong hands landed on my shoulders then turned me. Just the weight of his hands on my body made me feel better. I looked up into his worried blue eyes and fell apart even more.

  “Hey now.” Jon pulled me into his arms and held me tight against his chest. “It can’t be that bad, Em.”

  I pulled back and looked into his eyes once more. My heart thundered in my chest when I noticed that the icy distance from earlier was replaced with the same tenderness I saw in his eyes when we’d made love. Yeah, I realized that it was love even when I tried to make it all about the physical release.

  “Come home with me, Jon. I need you.”

  He didn’t ask questions nor did he hesitate. Jon simply drove to my house and followed me inside. We didn’t stop in the kitchen or living room. I didn’t offer him something to drink. I led him up to my bedroom and took my time stripping him down. Jon did the same for me then our mouths eagerly met at the same time our hands reached for one another.

  We’d only had one night and morning together, but my body knew Jon like he’d been a part of me for my entire life. Jon’s groans spurred mine, his sure hands emboldened me to explore him, and I felt complete for the first time in ages when he slid deep inside me. I didn’t try to look away; I kept my eyes open and focused on his while he rocked in and out of me. I kissed his lips, his chin, and his jaw. I dug my fingers into Jon’s muscular ass while gripping him tighter with my thighs. I was terrified that I would never know his love again and desperate to commit every second to memory so I could relive it over and over the next few days.

  Once the loving was over, Jon pulled me to him and held me tight. I wanted to think he would still be there in the morning, but I wasn’t willing to take the chance. I placed my head over his heart and took comfort in the steady thumping in his chest.

  “I love you, Jon.”

  A soft snore escaped his lips as soon as the words left mine. I wasn’t even sure if he heard my confession, but his arms tightened around me, so I figured his soul at least recognized them.

  I could tell by the dip in the mattress that Jon was still beside me in bed, but he wasn’t nearly as close as I would’ve liked. I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet, and I already craved the feel of his bare skin against mine, so I scooted closer toward him. I expected him to turn into me and pull me close because I’d seen it in my dreams and visions at least two dozen times since I met him. Instead, my leg bumped up against a thigh that was hard and unyielding. My brain registered tight, bunched muscles as if he were angry, but what…

  My eyes flew open, and I sat up in bed so suddenly that I got dizzy. My stomach pitched and rolled, and I got out of bed and went to the bathroom as quickly as I could because I knew I was going to be sick. Even though it happened quickly, I still saw the folder of information that Jon held in his hands.

  “Emory?” Jon asked in alarm. I heard him get out of bed and follow me.

  “Don’t come in here,” I said firmly. “I don’t want you to see me like this, Jon.” Of course, he didn’t listen.

  There wasn’t much for my stomach to reject, but it wasn’t satisfied with only purging my food. I dry-heaved for what seemed like thirty minutes as tears of anguish and humiliation ran down my face. When I finished, Jon was there with a cold washcloth and broad shoulders to rest my head on.

  “You have some serious explaining to do, baby, but it can wait until you feel better.” Jon released a stuttering breath as he held me tightly against him. It was the first time since my diagnosis that I knew everything was going to be okay. It had to be. “What am I going to do with you, Emory?” I heard the fear in his voice and realized that he’d read at least part of the information in the folder.

  “Just love me, Jon.”

  “I’m going to love you as you’ve never been loved before, and that’s a guarantee.”

  A few months ago, his words would’ve made me angry, but right then my tears of pain turned to tears of joy and contentment. I was at peace for the first time in so long that I fell into an exhausted sleep right there in his arms on the cold bathroom floor. The next time I opened my eyes, I was in bed again, and the daylight coming through the windows told me it was almost noon.

  “First time the sun has been out in weeks.” I slowly turned my head and saw that Jon was lying beside me. His elbow and forearm supported the weight of his upper body as he looked down at me, giving the impression that he had watched over me while I slept. “I’m going to try this a bit slower to see if I have better results than last time.” I had to piss something fierce, and I wanted to scrub my teeth so I could spend the day kissing the man I loved. Then I owed him an explanation.

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  A thought occurred to me then. Jon had lovingly washed my body once before, but I’d never experienced the pleasure of running my hands all over his wet body. “Shower with me?” I asked.

  I started the shower to let the water heat up, which took a while in the old house I rented. I pulled a new toothbrush out of the vanity drawer and handed it to Jon then brushed my teeth, cheeks, tongue, and roof of my mouth to get rid of the nasty taste. In fact, I went back in a second time after rinsing my toothbrush and applying fresh paste then chased it with a few rounds of mouthwash.

  “You have stellar oral hygiene habits,” Jon remarked with a raised brow when I finished and turned to face him.

  “I have a lot of ass kissing to do today, and I want minty fresh breath while doing it.” That wasn’t all that I planned to kiss, but I wanted to get the apologies and explanations over with first. “The water should be hot enough by now.” I reached around the curtain and stuck my hand in the spray. It was the exact temperature of the first shower we shared—hot as it could get without scalding us. “Perfect.”

  I got in the shower first, and Jon got in after me. My shower could’ve fit inside his four or five times, but it was hard to be upset about it when there was only enough room for us to hold on to one another while the water cascaded over us.

  “You’re going to be okay, Em.” Jon’s voice was thick, husky, and filled with so much tenderness that tears threatened once more.

  My headache eased considerably during my morning nap, but it hadn’t disappeared fully. “I do feel better.”

  “Not just today, baby; I meant everything. Surgery, recovery, and us.” Us. I loved the deep timbre in his voice when he linked our lives together. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

  I’d been afraid for so long, and of so many things, that I wasn’t sure I could just turn it off like a switch, but I sure as hell wanted to try. I stared into his eyes, hoping he saw the truth in my words. I needed him to know that I wasn’t just saying these things because I had a tumor. I spoke from my heart. “I do love you, Jon. I denied it for months, gradually accepted it for a few more, and now I’m ready to embrace the love you bring into my life. I’m sorry it took me this long.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your Christmas gift or text message on New Year’s Eve. I was in a bad place and…” Jon’s words trailed off. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he was doing, and my expression must’ve belied the direction my mind had gone. “No! I wasn’t with another guy. Mentally, I wasn’t in a good place. I got shitfaced drunk on the booze you sent me and having myself a pity party for one. Another new year but nothing had changed. Then I got your text.”

  I wanted to
believe that it made him feel better, but he would’ve responded to me sooner if it had. In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter that it took him two weeks to respond to my text after the hell I had put him through. I didn’t realize it at the time, but his appearance at Josh and Gabe’s the night before was his response. He was letting me know he was still there, but in person and not through a message.

  “I can’t change what has happened between us, Jon. I can tell you that I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, but it would be a lie.” That got his attention. “I am not proud of the way I reacted to you, or sometimes treated you, but I’m not sorry for loving my late-husband with my whole heart until I was ready to acknowledge I could love you just as much.” Understanding dawned in his blue eyes then he gently traced the tattoo inked over my heart. “This moment right here with you makes me want to fight in ways I never have in my life. Five years ago, I wanted to die too when I found out that River was taken from me. Today, I want to live a long life filled with… what is it you like to do?”

  We both laughed at my question, realizing we didn’t know much about each other beyond our tragedies. I was a broken widower, and he was the mysterious man who’d witnessed the worst in humanity too many times to count. We were broken men with jagged edges that could cut a person deep if they were foolish enough to venture too close, but, somehow, we aligned perfectly to form something whole and beautiful.

  I realized that it didn’t matter how much time I had left—hours, days, or a lifetime; I was going to discover everything there was to know about Jon Silver.

  “Honestly, Emory, I don’t know what I like to do.” He grimaced when he heard how odd that sounded. “I didn’t have much time to discover anything about myself. The boy I used to be entered boot camp and stayed there. I emerged as a man, and my life experiences that followed made it harder and harder to remember who that boy was or what he liked.”