Welcome to Blissville

by Walker, Aimee Nicole

  “Fleshlight!” Adrian said, clutching his stomach from laughing so hard.

  “Yep! She thought it was his Sara Jane pipe.”

  “Shut up!” Adrian said through his laughter. “Oh my God.”

  “You ready to head out and start knocking on some doors?” I asked after he stopped laughing and wiped the tears from his eyes.

  “Sure, but your day is going to be a complete downer from here on out.”

  In relation to the case, I thought he could be right, but I knew there was a very bright spot awaiting me that night. My Sunshine. I wouldn’t allow myself to think about that or I’d lose my focus.

  I saw O’Malley barreling toward us as soon as we stepped out of my office. “Captain, a Channel Eleven news van just pulled in.”

  “What?”

  “They must’ve picked up the story on the AP wire, or…” O’Malley’s words trailed off, but I knew what he was going to say.

  Josh! There’s no way he would’ve called his producer and asked them to interview me. No fucking way! Just in case, I called him. “Tell me you didn’t do this,” I said when he answered.

  “Do what?” he asked. He was confused, not playing coy.

  “Never mind,” I said as the crime beat reporter got out of the van and started walking toward the police station. “I’ll tell you all about it—” I heard Josh’s muffled voice as he covered the phone to talk to someone.

  “Oh my God! Channel Eleven is there?”

  “How’d you know that? They just got here.”

  “My client got a call from her neighbor whose daughter saw the van pull into the station parking lot.”

  “She called her mom, who called your client, who told you all before the reporter could get inside the building?”

  “You’ve lived here long enough that you shouldn’t still be surprised by the speed of gossip.”

  “Faster than light,” I jokingly said.

  “News travels fast, bad news travels faster,” Josh added.

  “Jessica Stanley just walked in, Sunshine. Gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

  “Captain Roman-Wyatt,” she said cheerfully as she approached me. “It’s been a while. How are you?”

  I hadn’t talked to Jessica, other than at the corporate events I attended with Josh, since the Broadman case. “I’m doing great, Ms. Stanley. What brings you to town?” I asked like I didn’t already know.

  “The Christmas Bandits, of course.”

  “Is crime down that much in Cincinnati?” I asked.

  “Hardly, but this story impacts one of our own, so we wanted to do a piece while Josh’s show is on hiatus for the holidays.”

  “It can’t hurt,” Adrian said from beside me.

  “It’s good to see you again also, Detective Goode.”

  “Likewise, ma’am.”

  “Well, where would you like to do the interview?”

  “Do we really have to do this?” I whined.

  “Yep, with or without you. Come with me and you drive the narrative, stay behind and there’s no telling what I’ll do.”

  “Let’s see if we can interview a few of the people impacted by the bandits and perhaps talk to the local businesses who are putting up the reward money.”

  “Sounds perfect. Maybe we can bait your bandits and catch them in the act.”

  “Yeah, okay, Daphne. Let’s go gather up the rest of Mystery, Inc and get this show on the road.”

  “Just a little more to the right, baby,” I urged Gabe.

  “Here?” he asked, moving his body to the right.

  “That’s too far.”

  “Here?”

  “Oh yeah! Right there.”

  Gabe turned away from the ginormous inflatable snowman he was trying to tether to stakes in the semi-frozen ground. His glare let me know just how much I had irritated him. You damn-fucking-well know that I didn’t want that thing in my yard, but it was part of Gabe’s sting operation. What punk-ass bandit could resist that big fucker in the police captain’s yard? It practically screamed, “Come and get me, fucknugget!” Anyway, if that thing was going in my front yard, then it had to be placed perfectly.

  “You’re getting even with me, aren’t you?” Gabe asked.

  “Baby, I have much more creative ways to punish you than have you keep scooting that thing all around the yard.”

  “No, you don’t,” Gabe returned quickly. “Your methods encourage bad behavior. Pretty sure we recently discussed this.”

  “Do you wish to see my dark side, Gabriel?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Hell yeah!”

  “You’re too eager.”

  Gabe shrugged. “Hey, you set the precedent, not me.”

  “It just so happens, I do plan to pay you back for involving our sanctuary in your little scheme.”

  Gabe crossed the yard and hauled me to his body. “I’m ready right now.”

  “Follow me.”

  Gabe didn’t do what I said. Instead, he tossed me over his shoulder and bolted into the house, taking the stairs two at a time.

  “Be quiet or you’ll wake everyone up. They’re resting for the big party tonight.” Our Ugly Christmas Sweater parties were legendary.

  “We have a little time to play around then?”

  “How do you have energy to get it up?” I asked. We had taken turns in the swing the past two nights, working through his frustration over the elusive bandits. I was deliciously exhausted and sore in all the right places.

  “I’m breathing, aren’t I?” The lust in Gabe’s eyes sparked need in the pit of my stomach, but I knew we wouldn’t have much time before the munchkins woke from their nap.

  “Shut the door anyway, because I don’t want anyone to hear you shouting,” I said, as he carried me into our bedroom.

  “Allll right.”

  “This is not a sexy punishment, Gabe. Your screams won’t be from pleasure.”

  “Oh, you’ve got me intrigued now.”

  “Put me down then sit on the edge of the bed.” Once he did as instructed, I said, “Now close your eyes and don’t open them until I say.”

  “Yes, Bad Daddy,” Gabe purred.

  Damn him! “No peeking,” I reminded him as I removed my t-shirt and pulled part one of his surprise over my head. I walked to stand in front of him with part two of his surprise in my hand. I held up my arms so his gift was at eye level and tried my best to hold my laughter inside me. “Okay, open them.”

  “No. I think I’ll stay up here tonight.”

  “What? No!”

  “I heard the laughter in your voice and the rustle of you changing clothes in the closet.” He reached out and blindly felt around with his hands until he touched his gift. “I fucking knew it was going to be a hideous sweater.”

  “Duh, it’s called an Ugly Christmas Sweater party. Now open your eyes so you can appreciate my genius. We match!”

  “No.” Gabe lay back on the bed, hiding his eyes behind his forearm. “Nothing you can do will make me acknowledge whatever is in your hands or wear it.” He cupped his crotch with his free hand and said, “Well, maybe you could find some way to entice me.”

  “How old are you?” I demanded to know. I would not take his bait. I would not take his bait. I would… Damn him. “Don’t get your spunk on my sweater.”

  “Don’t dribble,” Gabe suggested, “or, better yet, take the ugly-ass thing off.”

  “You haven’t seen it,” I protested.

  “Don’t need to; I know you.”

  I was starting to rethink my decision to fall on his cock at the snap of his finger or thinly-veiled challenge. I teased his hard-on through his jeans, as I debated whether I should bring him to his knees with my skillful mouth, or play harder to get. Yeah right. I snorted and reached for his top button, but the angry cries coming through the monitor altered my plans.

  Gabe groaned in frustration.

  “Oh now,” I said, climbing off the bed. “It’s probably a good thing because you�
��ll want to save your spunk for tonight’s gift.”

  “What time will this party be over?” he groused.

  “When the last person leaves.” I stopped at the door and looked back at him over my shoulder. “Voluntarily,” I amended. “Make sure you’re downstairs with your sweater on in an hour.”

  “Bossy.”

  “Whiny.”

  “Horny.”

  “I’m not touching that one, Gabe.”

  “You were about to touch it until our precious little angels woke up.” I suspected he wanted to use a different noun to describe our children right then, but he was no dumbass.

  I left him alone to pout and headed toward the nursery. It sounded like the cries got angrier as I approached. By the time I opened the door, both Destiny and Dylan were wailing at the top of their lungs. I ran to their crib with my heart in my throat, but my fear turned to sadness when I realized what was going on.

  “What’s wrong?” Gabe asked, rushing into the room. “Uh oh!”

  Dylan and Destiny each used one hand to tug a stuffed rabbit between them while they yanked each other’s hair with their other hand.

  “It’s their first fight,” Gabe said as we separated the little scrappers. “Do you think it’s a sign that they need their own space now?”

  “I think so,” I replied soberly. The thought of it pained my chest. They were growing up too fast. We were only a few weeks away from their first birthday.

  We bounced them against our chests and soothed them, but I was pretty sure that Gabe and I needed to hold them more than they needed to be held. I glanced over at Gabe and saw that he’d already put on his ugly sweater.

  “Aww, we’re going to look so cute,” I said, looking to distract myself from sad thoughts.

  “It’s not as tacky as I feared.”

  He looked down at his sweater that had a replica of our home sewn onto it, complete with Christmas lights. I jazzed it up with yard deer, snow globes, and a huge ginormous inflatable snowman that we didn’t own. Well, all but one. I didn’t know it was a freaking premonition when I made the damn things. Wait! Did I curse us?

  “What do these little lights do?” Gabe asked.

  “Light up, of course.”

  “Get out of here.”

  “Amateur,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “How?”

  I pushed a hidden button in the center of the wreath on the front door of our sweater. The lights I worked around the house, trees, deer, and inside the snow globe and snowman lit up.

  “This is pure genius!” Gabe exclaimed. He reached over and pushed my button so that I lit up too.

  Our babies looked at us with wide, wondrous eyes and I worried that they might damage their retinas if they stared too long. At least they forgot to be mad at each other.

  “What did you make for them?” Gabe asked.

  “Nothing that lights up,” I assured him. “That didn’t sound very safe for kids.”

  “Smart thinking.” He grabbed Dylan from my arms and held the little screaming demons close together. The twins stared each other down for a few minutes, and I worried that we were on the cusp of another fight, but then they smiled at one another. “Show me.”

  “They’re more cute than ugly.”

  “Quit stalling.”

  “I’m a little nervous,” I said, walking to their dresser drawers. “This idea came to me when you started acting like Clark W. Griswold with your quest for a perfect holiday.”

  “Just show me.”

  “I have a backup plan.”

  “I’ve never seen you so nervous, not even on our wedding day.”

  “Here goes,” I said, pulling one out and holding it up for him to see.

  Gabe’s eyes widened then he tilted his head back and laughed. “Oh my God! Oh, Sunshine! That’s perfect.”

  I smiled as I looked at the gems I found online. They were white knit sweaters with green and red lights strung across the top and bottom with “Jolliest Bunch of Assholes This Side Of The Nuthouse” stitched in the middle. It looked like something my mom would’ve cross-stitched back in the day.

  “We’re going to kick ugly sweater a… butt.”

  “I can’t wait!”

  “You sure know how to throw a party, Joshy,” my mom said to me a few hours later as we restocked the food on the buffet tables I set out.

  I looked around the room at the people I loved most in the world and smiled at their creativity. The ugly sweaters ranged from just gaudy print to reindeer taking a dump in the woods. Some of them were bedazzled with twinkling lights while others played out scenes in movies. There were ridiculous sweaters with Santa smoking a cigar while playing poker and ones adorned with fuzzy white pom-poms to look like snowballs. Our guests were laughing, eating food, and having a great time. It was exactly what the holidays were about to me, and I loved every second of it.

  “Thanks, Mama. I get my flair from you.”

  “You think so?”

  We looked down at her sweater that looked like it was knitted with silver and gold tinsel instead of thread. Then we looked over at my dad who wore a sweatshirt with a snowman sewn on the front.

  “Yeah, okay,” my mom agreed. “I’ll take credit for that.” She looped her arm around my shoulder and leaned into me. “I never would’ve thought to give the pets Christmas sweaters too though. That’s all you.”

  “I couldn’t let my fur babies feel left out. Diva didn’t want any part of her shiny, bling-y sweater, and I have the claw marks to prove it. She sure as hell looks regal in it though.”

  Buddy seemed to love his reindeer-themed sweater and was as docile as could be when I put the reindeer antlers on his head. Jazzy was too nervous to join a loud crowd, but my furry ferret rocked a snowman sweater in his little sanctuary. The crowning glory were the birds though. Savage rocked his knit sweater that read: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers. Sassy’s sweater said: Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. Gabe even taught them a few songs to sing for our guests. Somehow, Savage found a way to put his own twisted spin on things.

  “I got your jingle balls right here,” Savage squawked from his cage as if he knew I was thinking about him.

  “I’m going to miss you guys when we head back to Florida on New Year’s Day,” my mom told me.

  “I’m going to miss you too, but you’ll be back for good in a few short weeks. Think of all the fun birthdays and holidays we’ll have in this house.”

  “I never thought I’d want to move back to Blissville once we left town, but no Florida coastal view is more beautiful than my grandbabies.”

  “I agree with you.”

  “Why does Gabe keep peeking out the curtains?” she asked.

  We didn’t tell the grandparents about the setup because one little slip of the tongue at the grocery store would ruin Gabe’s sting operation. “Um, he’s probably looking out for Santa.” We did hire Mr. Adams to show up and pass out the gifts we bought the kids.

  “He’s like a giant kid at heart, Josh. I just love him to pieces.”

  Gabe looked over his shoulder and our eyes connected. For that instant, the world faded away. There were no adults dressed in gaudy sweaters or kids running through the house with Buddy chasing after them. The world consisted of Gabe and me. He winked at me then returned his attention to the window.

  “Me too, Mama.”

  I could see disappointment building inside Gabe as the night went on without a single hit to our twelve-foot Frosty out front. He was running out of time to nab the bastards before Christmas Eve.

  “Maybe all the publicity scared them into hiding.”

  “Doubt it,” Gabe said. “It’s probably because there are too many cars here and they can’t be sure when someone will open the front door. I bet they…”

  A brain-piercing siren split the air. The dog howled, kids screamed, and the adults pleaded for someone to turn it off. Gabe’s eyes widened with excitement as he hauled ass to the front door with Adrian fast on his heels. I knew it
was the moment they’d waited for and chased after them. No way I wanted to miss out on the big takedown.

  “Hold it right there, asshole,” Gabe yelled as he sprinted across the yard chasing after a person dressed in a Santa suit dragging our quickly-deflating snowman with him. The big thing was slowing them down, so they let go to run faster.

  “Freeze!” Adrian yelled as he pursued a really tall elf.

  Gabe and Adrian performed synchronized dive-tackles to take down Santa and his elf at the same time. The fleeing suspects went down like they’d been hit by those big dudes on one of Gabe’s favorite football teams. I thought Gabe called them linebackers, but I called them line dancers to irritate him.

  “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers! I told you not to run,” Gabe yelled as he pinned Santa with a knee to his lower back while he slapped handcuffs on him.

  “Are those candy cane hand cuffs, Cap?” Adrian asked.

  Oops! It looked like Gabe grabbed the wrong pair from our bedroom.

  “I have the Christmas spirit,” Gabe shot back.

  “Uh huh,” Santa said from beneath him.

  “Shut up!” Adrian and Gabe said at the same time.

  Two squad cars came flying down the road with lights flashing and sirens blaring. Every neighbor stood in their yard taking pictures or filming the takedown with their phones. They loaded the suspects in the back of the squad cars and then Gabe returned inside with me to comfort our crying babies. Luckily, someone thought fast and unplugged the stupid siren that was connected to the air compressor for big Frosty so that our hearing loss was most likely temporary.

  “I’m going into the station for a little bit,” Gabe said. “I shouldn’t be long.” I took Dylan from him and placed him on my free hip. Gabe kissed the babies and me. “I love you guys.”

  “We love you too. Hey,” I said when he started to walk away. “Don’t forget to bring home the candy cane handcuffs.” I had planned a fun time with them later.

  “I’m never going to live this down at the precinct,” Gabe groaned as he walked out of the house.

  “My hero,” I said to my husband when he presented my stolen wreaths to me a few hours later.

  Our guests had gone home, our parents and children had been asleep for quite some time, so it was just the two of us sitting by the fire on the enclosed porch. The only light in the space was the glow from the electric fireplace in the corner, but it was enough for us to watch the snow falling from the sky.