The Things We Hide at Home

by Nem Rowan

  We were interrupted by the arrival of our food, which alarmed me by how quickly it was delivered, and David looked terrified that the waiter might have seen what we were doing, even though the man said nothing and behaved as normal. Even when we were left alone again and I continued to smile at him across the table, he remained speechless. Only after eating in silence for a few minutes did I coax him back into conversation by talking about innocent things like television shows and the state of the weather, but still I could tell that all he could think about was the sensation of my hand on his knee. It was all I could think about, too.

  When our meal was over, we stayed a little longer to pass some time indoors instead of loitering outside the cinema while we waited for our movie. Our conversation was muted, coy. He gazed at me longingly and I felt there was a lot more to our new friendship than first met the eye, but I didn’t ask him what was going on inside his head. He might not have told me and I didn’t want to make him even more nervous.

  When it came to paying the bill, he insisted on covering it himself, which came as a surprise to me as I didn’t expect him to behave that way and it gave me a little glimpse of his confidence, however small it was, allowing me to imagine what he might be like if he had more faith in himself and wasn’t so painfully shy. I allowed him to do this for me, smiling at him appreciatively and thanking him as we left the restaurant together.

  I wondered if he’d let me hold onto his arm, but when I moved closer to him, he distanced himself, his eyes shifting about as he spotted the many people around that might see us interacting. I hoped I could show him that he had nothing to fear, that no one would judge us, and even if they did, I’d give them a seeing to. I wasn’t afraid of being judged by strangers; their opinions meant nothing to me. But David’s opinion, that mattered to me a lot. I could tell he’d been judged harshly in the past.

  It was only a few minutes of walking across the parking lot to the cinema on the other side. Screens advertising new movies flashed pictures in the dim evening light and cars passed by, stopping at the zebra to allow people to cross. I pushed open the heavy glass door to let David enter before me, then I joined him in the high-ceilinged foyer. My eyes were drawn to the movement of the popcorn in the machine at the refreshments counter as it heaved and undulated in the heat, but David was focused on the people around us, keeping his head down and his eyes averted. We didn’t have to go to the ticket booth so we went to look for the correct screen; we were both stuffed from the restaurant and didn’t have any room for snacks and slushies.

  The cinema was doing a season of screening iconic ‘70s and ‘80s movies, and David had got us tickets to see Blade Runner, which I was thrilled about as I’d only ever seen it on DVD as an adult. My parents had never been interested in science fiction or fantasy; me and my siblings had had to sit through many rom-coms and war movies when we were younger. I’d lost count of the number of times I’d seen When Harry Met Sally and Full Metal Jacket.

  The theatre steward checked our tickets and told us directions to our screen, and we wandered along the passageway, passing by floor-to-ceiling movie posters and racks of postcards. The rumble of bass from a screen currently showing a movie was audible through the walls and I thought I heard the memorable sound of the T-Rex’s roar from Jurassic World. I asked David if he had ever seen that film and he nodded, telling me it was one of his favourites and that the newest one would be out soon.

  We found the door to our screen and went in, finding our way down the steps lit by strip-lighting as adverts showed on the massive screen before us. A few people were dotted here and there, all of them adults, some of them already munching through their bags of popcorn or checking their messages on their phones. None of them noticed us as we picked a place to sit.

  “Here, give me your coat,” I offered, pausing for David to hand me his raincoat, which I draped over the chair beside me, along with my own. He fidgeted a bit as he sat beside me, the light from the theatre screen reflected in the glass of his spectacles.

  “Have you seen Blade Runner before?” I asked, since we had a little while before the film started.

  “Yes, a long time ago. It was my favourite film when I was very young.” He smiled, his head turning toward me. “Do…do you wanna know something?”

  I grinned, leaning closer. “What?”

  “I used to, umm…” He hesitated, seeming embarrassed. “I used to imagine that, uh, I lived in the future and I was able to buy myself a robot boyfriend.”

  “David!” I gasped in jest as I gently slapped his arm. “I didn’t know you were into something like that.”

  “I-I’m not, it was that the robot would, y’know…”

  “No. Go on. I was just joking; I’ve imagined having a robot boyfriend, too. Lots of times.”

  “Well, the robot would look after me and be my master,” he murmured. “And I’d do all the things, all the chores that the robot was meant to do, while he did the human things. Is that weird?”

  I made a muffled giggle. “No, not at all. Lots of people have similar fantasies. I used to imagine rescuing Rachael and caring for her, in a protective way. I guess you remind me of Rachael a little bit.”

  “How?” He seemed confused.

  “Well, it must be the coiffed hairstyle and those fifties-style dress suits you always wear,” I joked, and that really made him laugh. I didn’t want to admit that it was his timidity and helplessness that made me remember those fantasies I’d had. I didn’t want to reinforce those things. I didn’t want him to always be timid and helpless; I wanted to help him grow and become stronger.

  Before I could say another word, the sound came on the speakers and the theatre darkened. Even though our conversation had been brought to an abrupt end, he still grinned at me in the dark and I grinned back. I loved the way he smiled. His happiness was innocent somehow, like the happiness of a child, totally without cruelty or criticism. I could imagine him being a good role model for a kid—

  No, stop Tenny. You’re rushing ahead of yourself. You can’t fantasise about having kids with someone you barely know. Well, you can, but keep it just that—a fantasy.

  During the movie, I felt myself sinking closer and closer to him, until at last, he allowed me to slip my arm around his. For several minutes, I felt him trembling and shifting about in his seat, but he eventually relaxed. In fact, he seemed to gain some confidence from my closeness and I saw how he lifted his chin. It didn’t matter that we were in the dark, unseen by the people around us. That tiny movement of his head showed me I could, with some work, make him feel proud and calm around me, and for some reason, that excited me more than anything. By the end of the film, we had slumped together quite comfortably and I didn’t want it to stop. I wished we were at home in front of the television so I could just put on another film and return to being close with him, but I knew it was time to go. I had work tomorrow and it was already late.

  “Have you had a good evening?” I asked as we walked side by side across the parking lot.

  It was quieter outside, fewer people about and less cars. The only sounds came from within the restaurants and the distant rush of traffic on the dual carriageway.

  “I’ve had a wonderful evening,” he replied as we came to a halt.

  “Me, too.” I smiled at him adoringly. “I’d love to see you again soon. Maybe we could go see another eighties sci-fi film sometime.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “I’m going to the club this weekend. Would you like to meet up for a drink?” I hoped he’d be brave enough to agree. “We don’t have to sit with my friends. You can meet me in the bar, find somewhere to sit on our own. What do you think?”

  His eyes half-closed as he considered what I’d said. I could tell the idea wasn’t overly appealing to him, but maybe he’d want to see me enough that he’d do it. I wanted to show him he had nothing to be afraid of.

  “Okay,” he finally agreed.

  “Really?” I imagined my eyes lighting up with e
xcitement.

  “Yes. Let’s meet. I’d l-like to,” he said, clasping his hands in front of himself.

  “Cool. I’ll find out what time I can get there and text you. Let me know what time’s best for you and we’ll arrange it tomorrow.” I beamed, thrilled he had accepted my proposal. “So, umm, can I give you a lift home?” I offered, wondering if he would tell me another white lie.

  “It’s okay, it’s only a twenty-minute walk to my house. You should get home.”

  I stroked his arm, wishing I could take him home with me. “Okay. Stay safe on the way home,” I said, almost sadly.

  There was a slightly awkward pause where we just looked at each other, neither of us willing to leave first. I wanted to hug him, to embrace him and squeeze him tightly, but I wasn’t sure if he’d let me. I decided to hold off. I’d get another chance.

  “Well, goodbye, Tenny,” he whispered, and I nodded in acknowledgement.

  “Goodbye, David,” I said, turning in the direction of my car. He looked over his shoulder at me as he headed in the opposite direction, his coat tucked under his arm and the cool night air causing his breath to steam. It was hard to let him go, but I controlled myself.

  Chapter 3

  “Tenny, can you handle the counter while I sort out the slushy machine?” Frank asked as he squeezed between me and the door frame. His apron was plastered in bright blue gunge and I moved aside to let him get by without covering me in it. “The damned thing’s packed in again.”

  “What’s the matter with it?” I frowned as I watched him go into the stock room where the sink was. He tore some paper from the dispenser on the wall and started wiping the goo from his clothes, a disgruntled look on his pudgy face. “Damned thing exploded on me. I think it’s blocked again,” he grumbled as he peered at his soiled uniform.

  “I’ll ask Leanne to take a look when she comes back,” I told him with a sigh.

  “Cheers, buddy.” He didn’t lift his head to watch me go as I stepped into the counter area.

  Frank had worked here long before me, and even though he had been offered the job of supervisor more than once, he had always turned it down because he didn’t want the added responsibility. He was in his late fifties, balding on top and with a rather rotund belly. He didn’t look particularly spry, but he could outrun a shoplifter and had the sharpest eyes in the store. As soon as we went out for our lunch break, his vocabulary immediately adopted the bucket full of swear words he left at the door when he arrived; the most he usually let slip were “damn” or “crap” after he’d been told by management to stop cursing in front of the customers, which was a shame because I found it hilarious.

  “Hiya, what can I get for you?” I greeted the little elderly lady waiting on the other side of the glass counter with her two-wheeled shopping trolley.

  “May I have a pot of tea, three jam doughnuts, and two chocolate milkshakes, my dear?” She smiled as she squinted at me through her enormous spectacles.

  “Certainly, ma’am.” I grinned, leaning towards the end of the counter to grab a tray for her. As I did so, my name tag came off my apron and clattered amongst the boxes of condiment sachets and straws, but I was in such a hurry because of the growing queue, I just rolled my eyes and got on with it. I could pick it up when I was done.

  “Do you need any help carrying it to your table?” I asked the old lady once I had finished serving her order and had given her change and a receipt from the till.

  “Oh, no, that’s alright, my dear,” she politely declined, her wrinkled hands taking hold of the edges of the tray, but as soon as she did, it began to wobble and I knew it was going to be a bad idea.

  “I’m worried it might be too heavy for you, love. Here, I’ll carry it to your table for you,” I offered since I was concerned she might injure herself lifting it.

  “I can carry it over for you,” the person standing beside her intercepted, and we both looked ‘round at the tall, freckle-faced man watching our exchange. I had noticed him inching closer during our conversation and now he was in the middle of it, his elbow resting on the counter as he observed silently.

  “Oh, thank you.” I grinned at him sheepishly. “Do you want me to get your order ready?”

  “A mocha to go, thanks,” he said before he turned to the elderly woman and smiled. I allowed him to take the tray from my hands and he waited until the grandma had shuffled out of the queue, allowing her to lead him to where her two young grandchildren waited at their table.

  I served the three people waiting, and by the time they were sorted, the man had returned. He wasn’t really my type, too slim and too young, but his strawberry blonde hair was a pretty colour and he dressed smartly in a shirt and tie. Perhaps he worked in an office near here.

  “Thank you,” he answered as he picked up the cardboard coffee cup and held out some coins for me to take.

  “No, thank you for helping me out,” I emphasised as I accepted the payment.

  “It was no problem. See you around.” He smiled at me over his shoulder as he turned to move away, pausing only to take a sip of his coffee before he headed off. I watched him go, relieved that he had been there to save my backside.

  Frank hadn’t emerged from the stock room, so I popped my head ‘round the door to see where he’d got to. He wasn’t there—perhaps he’d gone to the bathroom to change clothes—but Leanne was standing behind the desk in the corner, the receiver of the phone pressed to her ear. She was our supervisor, younger than me by ten years, and though she looked like somewhat of a bimbo with her bleached blonde hair and all the make-up, she was actually pretty smart. Despite being slow to grasp jokes and not knowing the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, she was a kind person and very well-organised, and Frank and I enjoyed working with her. I waited until she finished the call, during which she explained what was going on with our machine and requested someone to come out and repair it, before I asked her where Frank had gone.

  “He’s popped home to pick up some clean clothes since he had blue syrup in his pants.” She laughed, unwrapping a stick of gum and popping it into her mouth.

  “Oh, poor bastard.” I smirked, but I knew I’d be really annoyed if it had happened to me.

  “Where’s your name tag?”

  I looked down, realising I hadn’t put it back on. “Oh, no, it fell off a minute ago. I’d better go find it.”

  She watched me go without saying a word. I went back to the counter where I’d dropped it, standing on my tiptoes to see if I could spy it amongst the many boxes on the surface, but I couldn’t see it. I pushed them aside, lifted them, checked inside them, but still I couldn’t find it.

  “Maybe it rolled off…” I murmured as I went around to the other side of the counter and checked the floor, and when it didn’t materialise, I returned to the other side and searched the floor there, too. Strangely, it was nowhere to be seen.

  “Leanne, I can’t find my name tag,” I told her as I peered into the dim little office once more.

  “Do you want me to have a look?” She rose from the chair and followed me out to the counter where, even with our combined effort, we were still unable to locate the missing badge. “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll fetch you a new one after lunch. Can you remind me?” She sighed as she placed her manicured hand on her forehead.

  The mystery of the AWOL name tag left me perplexed. I continued to work and put it out of my mind since it wasn’t really a big deal. It might even show up a few days later, probably when it got stuck in the scrubbing pad of the shop cleaner’s buffing machine when the crew came in to polish the floor.

  A couple of days had passed since I had met David for dinner and a movie, and since then I hadn’t seen him, despite keeping on the lookout whenever I was at work. I told myself I was being stupid because, in all likelihood, it wasn’t that he was avoiding me, but rather that he didn’t need to do any shopping. Why else would he visit a supermarket if not to buy anything? To visit the café? I’d never seen him in the caf
é. I hoped he would come in and take up my offer of a free coffee.

  At break, I sat in the canteen with my lunch box and checked my phone. That’s when I discovered a message was waiting for me.

  CordialSin: Hi there. Nice profile. Hope we can chat.

  I was surprised that after so many weeks of faving every single picture I uploaded, this person had finally sent me a message. Funny how it seemed to coincide with my meeting David. Maybe this was David. I tapped REPLY and the keyboard popped up; I figured I’d try engaging with this stranger to see if I could garner enough information that would let me work out if it indeed was David, and why he was being so evasive.

  MasterY: Thanks, what would you like to chat about? I’ve seen you around. Perhaps next time, you should come and say hello instead of hiding in the shadows.

  I tapped SEND. They probably wouldn’t reply.

  Thinking of David brought back the image of him walking home in the rain and I wondered what I would say if he did come to see me at the club. Should I tell him that I knew he’d told me a fib so he could politely turn down my lift? Probably not a good idea. Probably better to let him think he’d fooled me.

  I nibbled at a crisp as I scrolled through the list of people who had added me on ChainLink, pausing every now and then to read their usernames, especially the ones without profile pictures, in the hopes that something in the name would hint that it might be David.

  This was stupid. I knew Growler would tell me to get a grip and focus on people who actually wanted to show their faces instead of chasing people who preferred to hide behind anonymity. If they were serious about finding a relationship, they’d show their faces, surely, or even a body part. Something. Perhaps I was chasing David because I wanted to recapture the friendship I’d had with Jake before he’d left. I liked David’s shyness and I could sense his vulnerability; he needed someone to care for him and I needed someone to care for, so what could possibly be wrong about that?