The Things We Hide at Home

by Nem Rowan

  His message caused a tightness in my throat; I missed him very much, too, wanted to hold him and cuddle and kiss him. But I couldn’t, especially not if he confessed to all of this, not even if he apologised for it. How could I forgive him for frightening me to the extent where I had to get the police involved? And those disgusting photographs that had been posted through my door. How could I let that go? If it was his idea of a practical joke, it wasn’t funny at all. I wasn’t sure what to put in my return message and it took me several minutes to decide where I wanted to meet him. Ideally it would need to be somewhere in public, where it would be easy for me to walk away.

  I want you to meet me on the city centre at 10am. I will wait for you near the fountains.

  I clicked SEND. It was the only place I could think of that was in easy reach and where there would be lots of people around. I wasn’t sure that David would hurt me; for all I knew, there could be a hidden temper behind that gentle exterior. Again, he replied quickly.

  Yes Sir. Look forward to seeing you soon, miss you lots x

  The pain that filled me was unlike anything I had experienced before. I felt like I was kicking a puppy and the guilt was unbearable. I didn’t answer him, unable to look at his messages any longer, and instead, locked my phone, and slipped it into my pyjama trouser pocket. I didn’t want to leave David, but at the same time, if he was the stalker, there was no way we could be together anymore. I missed him, very much. I couldn’t wait to see him. And yet, I was dreading it. I wanted to cancel it and not meet with him, or go to see him and not bring up everything that had happened, just carry on pretending nothing was wrong even though I knew that was a dumb thing to do.

  Sighing, I finished my tea and headed upstairs for a shower.

  * * * *

  I caught the bus from Vanessa’s instead of driving, leaving a note for her on the fridge to let her know where I had gone before I left the house. Fortunately, the weather was pleasant today, mild with soft sunshine and pallid, frothy clouds in the sky, reflecting in the puddles that dotted the pavement.

  I alighted from the bus at one of the city centre stops, pulling my coat tight around my body as there was a sharp chill in the air; it was clear that winter was promptly on its way, which was no surprise, considering it was Halloween.

  The city centre was already busy with Saturday morning shoppers, people pushing prams, carrying bags, and walking dogs as merchants set up their stalls and the traffic flowed in an endless river, stopping and starting with the changing of the lights. An elderly woman was feeding breadcrumbs to a flock of pigeons and a charity worker was trying to coax passers-by into chatting with him.

  Vanessa had press-ganged me into agreeing to go to a fancy dress party being held by a large bunch of the regulars at the club, and I had originally planned to ask David to come with me, but it seemed that that wasn’t going to happen now. Maybe I’d be lucky and meet someone at the party who wasn’t going to break into my house and spy on me.

  As I walked along the cobbled pavement, the fountains, which incidentally weren’t switched on, came into view through the obstacle course of waiting vans and vibrating buses, and I could see a figure standing beside them, a figure that I soon realised was David. He was wearing his raincoat again, even though it wasn’t wet today, and he had on a plum-coloured jumper underneath, a knitted woollen beanie hat pulled down over his ears.

  When he saw me approaching, his eyes lit up and he smiled at me. It was the sweetest smile I had ever seen and some part inside of me that I didn’t even know I had began to hurt madly, the pain worsening as I thought about what I was about to do. I had spent the entire journey on the bus going over and over what I would say, how I would open up the conversation and respond to the myriad of different reactions he might make. I didn’t understand how I could feel so guilty about breaking up with him whilst being innately aware that to let things continue as they were might mean putting myself in danger. I should have hated him, been so angry with him, but I couldn’t. I knew that what I had planned to do would turn out to be a hundred times harder than I had initially imagined.

  “Hello…Sir.” He’d whispered the second word as if worried someone might hear him, his grin becoming rather mischievous.

  “Hiya.” I smiled back, but my eyes probably betrayed my true emotion. He looked into them, his smile beginning to fade.

  “Are you okay, Tenny?” he asked, stepping forward to close the gap between us. “Has something bad happened to you?”

  My mouth was dry and that horrid tightness had returned to my throat, making it hard to speak. I swallowed deeply. “Listen, umm, David. I don’t really know how to say this to you but…”

  He didn’t speak; he only eyed me closely. At first, he had lifted his arms to hug me, but when I hadn’t reciprocated, they had dropped to his sides again.

  “Yesterday, when I-I was out with Vanessa. I-I saw you. O-outside.” My eyes found something on which to focus, anywhere but his face.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I went out for a drink with Vanessa and I saw you outside the bistro,” I elaborated, the tone of my voice growing flat.

  “But I was home all day yesterday. I didn’t go out at all.” He shook his head. “Could it have been someone who just looked like me? I am kind of plain…”

  “No, I know it was you, David. Your stupid phone gave you away. I saw your red jumper when you ran away down the alley. I realised it was you I saw a while ago outside my house and you ran away then, too,” I continued, my voice hardening slightly.

  “Yes, I did run away that time. I was trying to post your card…I lost my nerve when I saw you on the steps,” he mumbled, sounding very embarrassed.

  “Exactly, I saw you in your red hoodie then. And I saw you last night, too. I’m not stupid. Just be honest with me, are you the person who’s been stalking me?” I finally managed to ask the question out loud and it sounded so wrong to my ears.

  “No, I haven’t stalked you.” He shook his head again. “I watched you from afar, at the club, for a long time. But I never stalked you. Only watched, hoped you’d notice me. I—I was too shy to speak to you for so long, but I never followed you or tried to make you scared.”

  “David, I saw you. Don’t you get it? I saw you running away, twice. Just be honest with me, okay? Just be honest and I won’t mention it to the police,” I persisted, even though I felt my heart breaking and I could see his was, too.

  His head drooped and he was staring at the toes of his shoes, his eyes becoming shiny with tears. I waited for an answer but none came. His jaw moved but no words left his lips. I noticed that he had bunched up the ends of his sleeves in his fists, hiding his hands from me, a flower closing its petals to the freezing wind.

  “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore,” I spoke, my voice cracking slightly.

  “But I didn’t stalk you,” he whispered. He sniffled and swallowed but still he wouldn’t look me in the eye. I wanted to put my arms around him and hug him, but I knew I couldn’t.

  “Don’t lie to me. We can’t have a relationship if you keep lying. Don’t you understand? I’ve been so scared, I can’t even sleep in my own home anymore because of what you’ve been doing. It’s creepy and disturbing. It’s not normal. You should seek help, go see a counsellor or something, just stop following me around and putting those disgusting pictures through my letter box.” I fought to get out the words before they died in my throat, and what came forth was a jumble of verbal diarrhoea. I had to get out of there; I couldn’t bear to continue with this conversation and see him standing there looking so needy and pitiful. I couldn’t do it anymore.

  “Goodbye, David. Don’t call me, don’t follow me, don’t come to my house. If I see you, I-I’ll call the police.” I turned and walked away.

  “I love you, Tenny,” he called after me, his voice as timid and plaintive as an abandoned dog. “I love you! Please don’t leave me!”

  I couldn’t look back,
I could only keep walking, leaving him behind. He stayed there, waiting, a stray left behind by his master.

  I didn’t wait for the next bus; instead, I went to the nearest taxi rank and jumped into a parked cab. The driver tried to chat to me but I barely answered him, instead gazing out the window at the lone figure standing by the fountains, wishing I could rewind time, to go back to this morning and carry on pretending that nothing had ever happened.

  * * * *

  Laughing faces surrounded me. Women shrieking, men smoking, others singing and dancing. Tables laden with assortments of sweet and savoury food, lines of bottles and plastic cups and paper plates. Rubber bats with fabric wings dangled from the ceiling amongst clusters of wispy cobwebs, and candlelit pumpkins adorned cabinets and shelves as motion-activated skeletons cackled and shuddered. Alice Cooper was playing on the hi-fi, joining the humming undercurrent of conversation as partygoers filtered from room to room, bumping into old friends and making new ones.

  I leaned against the wall with a cup full of green punch, watching Dracula and his three vampire wives block the nearby doorway, chatting noisily with Spock and a werewolf in leather bondage gear. Vanessa was a head taller than the group with which she was mingling, her skin covered in green paint and a long black wig covering her shaven head. I watched her over my shoulder for a while and she gestured enthusiastically that I should come over and talk to the cluster of ‘80s horror characters, but I only shook my head. The joy and good humour that surrounded me couldn’t penetrate the hard exterior that now enveloped me. Instead, I stood there wishing I had stayed home.

  Another group had decided to do a pony-play demonstration on the dining room floor, so I shuffled towards the doorway and squeezed past Dracula, heading into the hallway where hanging plastic spiders bumped against my head on my journey to somewhere quieter. Every room was packed with people; all of them were club regulars, many of which stopped to greet me and ask me how I was doing, but I wasn’t in the mood to socialise.

  “Tenny? Are you alright?” Rebecca stopped me as I entered the kitchen. She was dressed as Morticia in a long black gown, and for a moment, I realised how beautiful she was as a woman.

  “I’m okay. Just need to get outside for some fresh air,” I murmured, pressing my palm to my head. Just as I had finished speaking, Frank Sinatra came on and one of the other cross-dressers hovered at Rebecca’s side.

  “I’m so sorry to interrupt sweetie, but Rebecca darling, would you like to dance?” she inquired, stroking some of her long wig behind her ear.

  “I’m fine, please, I just want to go outside.” I urged Rebecca to go on with her friend and she looked at me worriedly as she released my arm, allowing the other person to lead her to the middle of the kitchen where two others were dancing.

  “Heya, Tenny, what’s up, buddy?” an acquaintance inquired as I headed towards the conservatory, but I ignored him.

  I finally found the back door, which fortunately was already unlocked, and I threw it open, stepping out into the cool night air. It was a relief to shut away Frank’s crooning voice and the loud chatter of partying friends. I should have stayed home tonight. Holding my head in my hands, I wandered across the empty patio, feeling my headache dissolving as the chill of the darkness soothed my hot scalp and cleared my mind. The sky was devoid of clouds and the stars were dazzling. I wondered if David was looking at them, too.

  David.

  My throat tightened at the thought of his name. The patio was separated from the vast lawn by a low stone wall and I perched on the edge of it, searching my pocket for my packet of cigarettes. I was supposed to be giving up smoking, but right now, I really needed it to take the edge off. I found the packet and took one out, but realised I didn’t have a lighter, causing me to huff and throw the squashed card box as far across the grass as I could.

  “Need a light?” a voice spoke behind me.

  I turned sharply, discovering that someone, another smoker, had followed me out. The stranger stepped closer, allowing the tepid glow from the conservatory to fall across his face, but I didn’t recognise him with all that make-up.

  “Yeah…I forgot my lighter,” I confessed, rising. He produced one in his hand, sparking it and letting me light up, sucking through the filter until the end blazed orange in the shadows. Sighing, I stepped back and blew a puff of smoke through my nostrils. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  For a moment, we just looked at each other and I tried to work out if we’d met before.

  “So what are you meant to be?” he suddenly questioned and I looked at my outfit.

  “Oh, James Bond,” I told him awkwardly, aware of how lazy my get-up was.

  “James Bond ain’t exactly scary. This is meant to be a Halloween party,” he reminded me, leaning down to my eye level and grinning. I felt like I knew him but I couldn’t place him; we had probably met at the club before.

  “Yeah, I know, but it was short notice and I’m away from home, so there,” I retorted. A part of me was slightly annoyed by his remark. “What are you supposed to be, anyway?”

  “Beetlejuice,” he scoffed amusedly.

  I observed his scruffy outfit and lank wig, at last able to see the look he was going for. “Oh, yeah, I see it now.”

  “Short notice, too,” he added and we both chuckled.

  I drew on my cigarette hard and felt myself starting to relax, but I didn’t know what to say. I had come out here for some space, so having someone tail-gate their way after me wasn’t very comforting. If anything, it made going home even more tempting.

  “You’re Tenny, right?” he spoke offhandedly.

  “Yeah. Have we met?”

  “Don’t think so.” He blew smoke through his nostrils. “Nice to meet you, though.” He offered a hand to shake, which I took reluctantly.

  “Nice to meet you, too.”

  “You’re a friend of Growler’s, aren’t you?”

  I nodded, flicking my cigarette to dislodge some of the ash.

  “How did you get to be his friend? He’s such a rude asshole but you don’t seem like that at all.”

  “We’ve been friends a long time,” I replied, knowing I should be defensive about his remark towards my old friend, but it was true, Growler was an asshole. “So who are you friends with? Anyone I might know?”

  He shrugged, his expression becoming thoughtful for a moment. His make-up was so thick, that it was cracking at the corners of his mouth.

  “Do you know Richie?” he eventually asked.

  “Oh, yeah, Richard, Growler’s ex?” I offered

  He nodded with a rather wry smirk.

  “I met him only a few times but he never mentioned you.”

  “Yeah, that’s not a surprise. I’m his little brother. He talked about you and Growler a lot, and your other friend, Vanessa,” he explained, but he didn’t elaborate on what Richard had said about us. “I’ve seen you around the club a lot but never had a chance to come and chat, always busy, y’know? You still on the scene? Haven’t seen you for a while.”

  “Oh, I’m kind of on a break at the moment.” I said after some hesitation, reluctant to tell him the real situation.

  “Ah, right. That’s a shame.”

  “So what draws you to the club, then? What’s your role?” I questioned, anxious to turn the conversation back onto him instead of allowing him to interview me for info.

  “Well, uh—just looking for some friends to play with.” He seemed to go shy for a second, but quickly disguised it with a grin.

  I stared at him, expecting him to continue, but he didn’t. There was a somewhat embarrassing lull in our conversation, and just then, I wished he would go away and leave me alone. I was starting to get the feeling he wanted to ask me something and that’s why he had followed me, but instead, he was just skirting around it with pointless chatter.

  “Are you single?” he inquired all of a sudden, causing me to frown as I gave him a sideways glance.

  “N-No I�
�m not,” I stuttered, unsure of how to answer him. Technically, I was. Technically, I had said goodbye to David today. But my heart hadn’t said goodbye. There wasn’t room for anybody else in my life at that moment.

  “Are you sure?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course, I’m sure.” I looked him in the eyes. I still couldn’t figure out if I’d seen him before.

  “What about some no-strings fun?” he suggested, leaning close and smiling. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and it repulsed me.

  “Not interested.”

  He moved closer still, and instinctively, I took a step back, only to find I was trapped between him and the conservatory glass, my back bumping against its cold exterior. He was taller than me, so when he bent slightly to speak against my ear, I felt like I was being cornered by an enormous troll, a creature that had stalked me until it got me on my own.

  “I know all about you.” His whisper caused a prickle of goosebumps to spread up my spine. “I found out you’re trans. That’s true, isn’t it? I’m really into trans guys, especially ones who’ve had surgery. If you don’t want to fuck for fun, I can pay you for it.”

  “Get the fuck away from me,” I snarled, slamming the flat of my palm against his chest and shoving him back. “Don’t you dare talk shit to me like that. Who the fuck do you think you are, you goddamn scum-bag?”

  He regarded me for a moment, and I was amazed that he seemed genuinely astonished by my reaction.

  “I don’t know why you seem to think I’d be happy to be paid for sex like a prostitute, but if I hear you saying that again to me or anyone else, I’ll knock you to the ground like a damned tent peg, got it?” I jabbed my fingertip into his chest. “So you’d better watch out, buddy.”

  For a moment, he didn’t move or utter a word, but then he started to smile. I didn’t wait for him to respond, though. I tossed my cigarette at his feet and squashed it under my shoe, all the while staring directly into his eyes with all the defiance I could muster, then I hurried into the house, searching for the quickest route to the front door. My skin was crawling with disgust and the last thing I wanted to do was look for Vanessa to explain what had just happened, so instead, I searched the heap of coats in the cloakroom until I found mine and pulled it on, deciding I would head home alone. No one noticed as I stepped onto the front porch and vanished, leaving the party for the solitude of the empty street.