The Things We Hide at Home

by Nem Rowan

  He visibly relaxed now that he knew the small dog was safe. His eyes closed once more and I could tell I had taken a weight off his mind. Tears broke free from my eyelashes and found their way down my cheeks to my beard. I didn’t want David to see me crying, so buried my face in his arm, clutching his hand in my own, telling myself over and over that he was safe, they’d make sure he would recover. I breathed deeply, taking in his scent and wilfully ignoring the sterile smell of the hospital gown and starched sheets; I had missed his scent, something I hadn’t recognised was so important to me.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured.

  David didn’t make a sound. He was sleeping peacefully, miles away.

  * * * *

  I stayed at his side, just holding onto him and listening to him breathe, until Gerard contacted me to let me know he had arrived. It took a lot of effort to force myself to venture out to the car-park. My brother was standing beside his car, and when he saw me approaching, he opened his arms wide.

  “Tenny!” he gasped when I threw myself against him and almost took the wind out of his lungs. “Hey, little bro, are you alright?”

  “David’s hurt real bad,” I cried, pressing my face into his shoulder and squeezing his barrel-shaped torso. “I just need a hug right now. I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Hey, he’s gonna be okay. Don’t worry about it.” He sighed as he embraced me in return. He let me hold onto him until I was ready to let go, and when I finally sank back, my face was probably the same shade of red as the wool jumper he was wearing.

  I sniffled, rubbing at my face with the palm of my hand in a meagre attempt to dry it. “Umm. I need you to take the dog for me.”

  “Is it a little dog?” he asked, following me through the maze of parked cars to where mine was waiting.

  “Yeah, she’s not much bigger than Gary, and she’s very friendly.” I knew he would probably fall in love with her the second he laid eyes on her.

  Fortunately, Snaffle hadn’t gone to the bathroom in my car and was willing to go with Gerard without fuss, leaping into his arms as he reached to pet her. I was glad he had come to my aid on his lunch break. He asked if I wanted to go for something to eat with him, but I declined; I didn’t feel much like eating anything. I watched him drive off in his silver hatchback then rushed back to David.

  He looked exactly the way he had when I’d left him, except this time there was a different nurse at his bedside administering more drugs. She smiled at me as she finished up and left us alone once more, pulling the curtain into place so no one could see us. I dragged the chair nearer to the bed, resting my chin on his arm and clasping his hand to let him know I had come back.

  I was wrong in believing this love might turn out to be like all the times before. It was as if, that night when I had placed the collar ‘round his neck, a button had been pressed inside of me, activating an instinctive need to protect and care for this human being who was now my responsibility. It didn’t matter that I had told him I didn’t want to see him again. I had thought about him every day. And having seen the collar at his throat after our time apart, I knew he still saw himself as mine. Maybe I could help him heal; maybe we could overcome this together.

  Judging from his living conditions, I knew there was something wrong, something much worse than feeling dejected because of a break-up. This was deep-rooted and long-lasting. I could run away and abandon him, but then I’d just be doing to him what my parents had done to me.

  You’re too much effort; we can’t be bothered to help you; your problems would get in the way of our life. You’re an inconvenience to us because you’re not like everybody else.

  I couldn’t do that to David when I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving side of that behaviour. And I knew there and then I was going to be there for him until the very end.

  Hours passed with more visits from nurses and doctors who checked on him and gave him more drugs, grouping at the end of his bed to talk about his progress and what to do next. Since I wasn’t family, they wouldn’t tell me anything directly, but by listening to their conversations, I eventually learned he had three cracked ribs. I also wondered if the hospital had found any emergency contact information on David’s person, and waited to see if anyone would come, family members or friends that the hospital might have called, but no one did.

  Late in the evening, when the sun was starting to set and my body was aching and tired, David finally made a sound. The gentle cough that escaped his throat startled me alert and I sat upright, peering at his face as I was so scared that something was wrong. But when his eyes opened and he looked at me, he smiled and I soon calmed down.

  “Hello,” I smiled back, stroking his jaw with my fingertips. “How are you doing?”

  He licked his dry lips and cleared his throat before whispering, “Hungry.”

  “You want something to eat? Do you need me to get the nurse?” I asked, leaning my cheek against his shoulder and gazing into his eyes.

  He nodded.

  “Okay. I’ll be right back.”

  As I started to go, his hand tugged the hem of my T-shirt, causing me to pause.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Th…Thank you…” He fought to utter the words to me. “I…I’m glad…you’re here.”

  I had to stop myself from leaping on top of him and grabbing him in a bear hug, especially since he had broken ribs. Instead, I leaned down as carefully as I could and gave him a proper hug, purring contentment as he clasped my shirt. I would have stayed there longer if I wasn’t so worried that he needed to eat; when I pulled away, his eyes were twinkling with tears and his bottom lip was trembling. I took some tissue from the box on the bedside cabinet and dabbed his cheeks.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back,” I repeated my earlier assurance.

  He watched me slip through the curtain, sniffling and clutching a dry tissue in his hand. The expression on his face made me think he believed I was going to run out of the hospital and disappear, never to be seen again.

  At the nurse’s station, the last nurse to have checked on him seemed pleased that he was awake and wanted to eat. I asked if he could have water, and she nodded before making the necessary phone call to have food supplied.

  Meanwhile, I went back to David’s bedside and he immediately perked up when he saw me coming through the curtain. I sat in my chair and took his hand.

  “Sir?” he croaked, his voice still rough.

  “What is it?”

  “I missed you,” he replied, looking on as I poured him a tumbler of water from the jug beside me.

  “I missed you, too.” I passed the cup to him, holding his arm steady so he wouldn’t spill any. Once he had taken a couple of sips, he rested the cup on his thigh. When he spoke, his voice sounded clearer, less ragged.

  “I didn’t stalk you,” he mumbled. His brows slanted and his eyes creased as he sniffled, more tears seeking purchase on his eyelashes.

  “Hey, it’s alright, no need to cry.” I rubbed his forearm with my palm.

  “I didn’t do it,” he repeated as he made another muffled whimper.

  “Okay. David? I believe you. David, look at me.” He glanced up at me, looking so downtrodden and hopeless. “David, I believe you. It’s alright. Let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s start over.”

  He sniffed “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry I said those things to you. I regret it so much, I wish I could take it all back. I wish we’d gone for a date in a nice café instead of having that conversation.” I sighed as I recalled that awful situation. “When you’re well again, we can go into town and have a coffee and cake. What do you think? Is there a café you like the look of?”

  His blue eyes glittered as he smiled. “I can’t really think of one at the moment. Do you have a favourite?”

  “I have lots of favourites. I’ll take you to one that’s fancy.” I grinned, relieved to see him cheering up at last.

  “Like a patisserie?” he inquir
ed as he sipped more water.

  “Yeah, a proper French patisserie.” I chuckled. “You can try some of their best pastries and cakes.”

  He beamed adoringly. “That sounds wonderful. I’ve never been in a patisserie before.”

  “I think you’d like it very much.”

  He nodded, peering at the half-empty cup in his hands as his smile faded.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I’m sorry my house is a mess,” he whispered as he fiddled with a stray thread on the hem of the bed cover, his eyes fixated on that instead of me.

  “Don’t be silly, you don’t have to apologise for that.” I took hold of his hand to stop him from fidgeting. “Is that why you never invited me over?”

  “Yes. I was too ashamed.”

  “How long has it been that way?” I inquired, fearing that venturing forward with this subject would mean David weeping again.

  “Years,” he murmured, his tone bitter with misery. “The council cleared it out a few years ago because of the rats…but it just came back. I couldn’t help it.”

  “Have you been to see a doctor or a psychiatrist about it?”

  “No, I didn’t think a doctor would be able to help me.”

  “Sure they could. That’s what they’re there for. Do you want to see someone about it? I’ll come with you to support you. You don’t have to go on your own.” I gave him a coaxing smile, and his expression brightened slightly. “You can heal and you won’t have to live like that anymore. You can have a nice home, a nice bedroom to sleep in, and Snaffle will have lots of space to run around in. She’d like that, don’t you think?”

  “Yes, I think she would.” I thought I detected a little sliver of enthusiasm in his voice. “But, you know how before, you said how your house felt too big for you alone? Well, I guess filling my house with stuff made me feel not so alone.”

  “I know. It’s alright, you don’t have to be ashamed.” I gave his arm a brief squeeze. “I’m not gonna judge you. You can tell me anything and I’ll never judge you.”

  “Can I tell you something now?”

  “Go ahead,” I prompted, wondering what he wanted to say.

  “I dreamed that you’d let me and Snaffle come and live with you. I thought that you would take care of us. Then I thought I’m not like Snaffle. I’m older than you. I’m meant to take care of myself, and her. I’m not meant to need help.”

  “Everybody needs help sometimes. I will take care of you both. Even I have people take care of me, like my big brother and my friends. That’s what families are, groups of people who support each other. Don’t you have any family?” I explained, unable to believe he was completely alone.

  He shook his head.

  “No one? No siblings? What about friends?”

  “I don’t have anybody,” he mumbled. “I never knew my parents. My foster mum died a few years back…she was very old. I don’t know if I have any siblings. I don’t have any friends.”

  “Yes, you do. You’ve got me, and you’ve got Snaffle. She loves you very much; you should have seen how upset she was when you were taken from the house.” I chuckled, but only because it prevented me from sobbing.

  “Is she alright?” His eyes opened wide as he suddenly remembered how distressed the little dog must have been. He didn’t seem to remember what I had said to him earlier, as if the brief conversation we had shared had taken place in a dreamlike haze.

  “She’s with Gerard. You should have seen the two of them when they met earlier. It was love at first sight. He’s looking after her, but when you get out of hospital, she can come and stay with you at my house.” I took his free hand and kissed his knuckles.

  “Thanks.” He smiled once more, but it was such a sad smile that I wanted to squeeze him in my arms like earlier.

  The nurse soon arrived with a tray for David; I stayed and we chatted as he ate his pasta and drank some orange juice, his mood continuing to grow brighter and brighter with every word we exchanged. Having something to eat improved his alertness and he no longer looked so pale. I knew that at some point I would have to leave; I had overstayed visiting hours and that was only because the nurses were sympathetic and allowed me to keep David company, perhaps because they knew I was the only one he had.

  Eventually, I told him I had to go as they would be preparing everyone for the night and I didn’t want to get in the way. He became agitated at the thought of me leaving, so I had to calm him, repeating over and over that I would be back the next day and I’d bring pyjamas and sundries from his house. He told me where to find his mobile phone and I promised that once I had brought it to him, he could text me as much as he wanted and even call me if he needed to. Only then did he settle down.

  Leaving the hospital was difficult for me when I knew he wanted me to stay, but I had to go home. I hadn’t eaten all day and my stomach was churning with an unbearable hunger. My shoulder was aching and in need of a hot water bottle, and a soak in a good, deep bath was in order. Most of all, I was relieved that David was going to be alright.

  * * * *

  Over the next two days, I visited David in hospital, and every time I saw him, he improved further, becoming more and more alert and his mood cheering each time I came to his bedside. He was up and moving about, albeit rather slowly as the injuries caused him some pain, but in my eyes, he was doing incredibly well. I brought him books to read and puzzles to do, things that would keep his mind occupied, and as soon as he got his phone, we began texting each other the moment I left to go home. It seemed our relationship had been reset, renewed, and taken back to its beginning, because although he still referred to me as “Sir,” our exchanges fell more on the romantic as opposed to sexual side. The pulse had returned to a relationship I had attempted to slay. All those thoughts of blaming myself for the way things had turned out began to fade, as I had made the choice to go to David’s house, and in doing so, I had rescued him. He told me several times that I had saved his life, still it didn’t feel like I had done anything valiant or miraculous. I hadn’t felt brave at the time; quite the opposite, in fact.

  On the third day, I brought Snaffle with me and David came outside to see her; I had to stop her from throwing herself at him as she could have easily knocked him over; the little dog was completely maniacal with joy being reunited with her parent. She was a well-behaved pet and didn’t cause any trouble in Gerard’s house, although Gary was totally affronted at the arrival of a new lodger and went out of his way to avoid her. I noticed she also barked whenever a ring-tone went off, which although was sometimes annoying, was easily solved by putting my phone on vibrate. Apart from that, she spent most of her time following me or Gerard around the house, and at night, she slept on the end of my bed. It reinforced my desire to get a dog of my own, but in the back of my mind, I knew I was going to become her second parent anyway. My heart had already decided the route my relationship with David was going to take.

  In the meantime, there had been no other correspondence from the stalker. I perpetually banished this conflict from my head as the more I thought about, the more it bothered me. Perhaps it was that the stalker didn’t know where I was staying, so had no way of reaching me. But then again, perhaps it had stopped because the stalker was currently lying injured in a hospital bed, unable to prepare any grotesque photographs for my viewing.

  Late that night, I was sitting in the living room with Gerard while we watched some rubbish television and I decided to go through my phone and do some de-cluttering of junk that had begun to take up too much space on my SD card. Gerard was sitting on the floor with the coffee table pulled up so he could use it as a work-bench for gluing the miniatures he collected. He had invited me to take part in the table-top gaming he did as his hobby but I wasn’t all that interested, and anyway, I was terrible at painting them. Snaffle had curled up on the sofa beside me, her round black eyes staring at the flashing of the television screen as though she understood what was being said on the program. It was as I
was scrolling through the jam-packed inbox on ChainLink that I came across an old message thread that had been sent to me some time ago. I felt my heart leap in my chest as my eyes fell upon it.

  Snaffle: Hello :)

  MasterY: Hi, how are you?

  It ended there.

  How had I not realised all this time? Snaffle was David. He had never bothered to communicate through ChainLink because we had swapped mobile numbers, and he’d never told me the name of his dog.

  So if Snaffle was David, who was CordialSin?

  The prickling sensation of rising goosebumps spread up my spine to the back of my neck and a bitter taste filled my mouth. All this time I had been messaging this complete stranger. This stranger who had appeared at my workplace and who had followed me to the bistro, who disguised himself with a red hoodie. Yes, David also had a jumper that was a similar colour, but anyone could own such a garment. Those times I had thought David was present but I hadn’t been able to find him, because he hadn’t even been there to start with. I had been blaming David for something that wasn’t his fault. The crushing guilt and overwhelming joy left me relieved that I could let go of this mismatched love for him and embrace our genuine love for what it really was.

  When I saw him next, my heart ached like never before, and I think he could see a change in my behaviour because of the expression he made, but he didn’t bring it up. I never mentioned CordialSin to him because I didn’t want him to worry about it when he needed to focus on recovering. He’d be discharged from hospital in a day or two and that meant I’d need to prepare my house for him to come and stay, but he’d also need to be well enough to be able to walk up and down the stairs of a three-storey building. They were holding him in hospital for a little longer than usual, just to be sure that he wouldn’t need any further treatment, yet his renal function seemed to be doing fine. Somehow, knowing he’d be there with me soon, even if he wasn’t physically able to protect me, made me feel safer. I had yet to talk to him about my business partnership with Vanessa, which had been put on hold until David was able to care for himself again, nevertheless I had the impression that he would be okay with it. He was so willing to please me to his own detriment that I felt he wouldn’t prevent me from pursuing this new line of work, but most importantly, I knew no one was ever going to replace him, no matter who came in the door, no matter how handsome they were.