Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “Gee, thanks. Super helpful.” Kate’s eyes rolled, but she also chuckled a little.

  They pushed out into the night air, shivering and cinching up their coats. “I’m just saying,” John continued, “she’s her mom, right? And even you just said she can’t be that bad.”

  “Right.”

  “Well. They might have an awkward relationship, but what it comes down to is that she’s her mom. She knows Vivian better than anybody. That’s her job, to know what’s right for Vivian, what Vivian would want, and what Vivian needs. Come on, my mom is a guru at that. She always has the right answer, no matter what the problem is. Every time I think she’s wrong, something happens, and I realize she was right. That’s what moms do.”

  An aching pain was building around Kate’s heart as she listened to John and saw the open adoration on his face. She had never had that, not once. Was that making her think twice about something that the world would consider totally normal? Was John right? A sliver of doubt snaked through her stomach as she remembered the word “cooK” and Vivian drunk on their way home from Jacqueline’s Thanksgiving get-together. “I don’t know. They don’t have the best relationship.”

  “Still her mom, though, kiddo.”

  Kate frowned as they hurried to their ‘L’ stops, trying not to slip on snow. John was probably right. Jacqueline was perhaps a little pushy and frankly a little rude, but she had to have Vivian’s best interest at heart, right?

  That’s what moms do.

  John was right. She’s her mother. No mother ever meant their child true ill will, that just wasn’t in the job description.

  The next morning, she allowed Leigh to show her into Jacqueline’s giant office. She was wound a little too tightly that morning, she knew that. She felt like she had an IV of coffee in, and she just had to move, move, move. She had to get some answers.

  “Katelyn, what a surprise!” Jacqueline trilled. “To what do I owe this honor?”

  “Why?” She didn’t bother to mince words as she took her seat across from the huge desk. Immediately she stood again and began to pace, too high-strung to sit.

  Jacqueline’s face remained blank. “Why what, dear?”

  “Why do you want to do this for Vivian?

  Jacqueline tittered dryly, stacking a few papers on her desk and shaking her head. “Have I played the role of mother so poorly that you feel the need to ask?”

  “Well, kind of, yeah.”

  Jacqueline’s head snapped up, her eyes threatening fire, but Kate refused to let her gaze fall away. It was the truth.

  “She is my daughter, Ms. Flynn.” Kate scowled, not liking Vivian’s nickname for her coming from Jacqueline’s mouth. “Despite your ideas of me, whatever those may be, I have always and will always give her everything she needs and wants. That is my job!”

  She wasn’t sure if she was surprised to hear John’s words echoed back at her. After all, she was the one here who didn’t know what a mother/daughter relationship looked like, dysfunctional or typical. It didn’t surprise her that she didn’t quite trust it. How could you when every ”mother” you were given eventually returned you to the shop, looking for a different model. “You want to improve her life?”

  “Of course! My daughter may think of me as unscrupulous, but that, well, that simply is not the case. She sees me as cold, I know that most do, but I think that this might help turn that around.”

  “Why now?” Kate asked. “The implant has been popular since the nineties. Vivian would have been young. Why not then?”

  Jacqueline’s lips pursed into a thin line, and she sat back in her chair, her arms crossed tightly. Annoyance radiated off of her, and Kate cleared her throat, unwilling to back down but also entirely uncomfortable.

  “If Max,” Jacqueline started in a voice like ice, “could have a surgery to solve a disability, a disability which he could happily live with, would you do it? Bear in mind that when Vivian was a child, the surgery was new. She hadn’t lost her hearing entirely by 1990, and the procedure was new and very controversial. As a matter of fact, Katelyn, it was so new that it had to be performed by a doctor so young he was not comfortable in his scrubs yet. As a mother, which would you choose, Kate? A surgery such as that, or would you prefer to wait, let the procedure mature, and consider it at a later date?”

  Kate’s mind whirled as she stared at Jacqueline. She believed her. She could hear the honest offense at Kate’s confusion. So, Kate felt a bit guilty as she admitted, “I guess I would have done the same thing that you did.” She groaned and pushed her hands through her hair. “Okay.”

  “And that means?”

  “Okay, I’ve decided you’re right, and we can help Vivian. What do you need me to do?”

  Jacqueline grinned slowly, seeming surprised and pleased. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Kate smiled back at her, a little tentatively.

  “Well, dear, in truth I have already spoken to the best surgeon in the field. He will be flying in from New York to perform the surgery five days into the new year.”

  “‘Kay, so, you don’t need me after all?”

  “On the contrary. What I need from you is to get her there.”

  Kate gave a long nod, butterflies beginning to flutter in her stomach. They were going to do this. They were going to work together to make things easier for Vivian. “When are you going to tell her?”

  “Why don’t we tell her together?” Jacqueline’s eyes flashed. “A little Christmas surprise?”

  “All right.”

  “Good. Then it’s settled.”

  “Okay, uh, great. So, then I guess that means we’re coming over—”

  “For Christmas dinner. Yes, dear.”

  The butterflies died at the thought of another Kensington event. “Is this another yearly thing or what?” Thanksgiving hadn’t exactly been their favorite celebration.

  “No, just a little family get-together.”

  “Right, then why don’t you come to us?”

  “I’m sorry?” Jacqueline’s voice was deadpanned and flat, as though Kate had just asked her to ride the ‘L’ naked – or ride the ‘L’ at all instead of being escorted by her personal driver.

  “Come to us. I think that would mean a lot to Vivian.”

  “Katelyn–”

  Kate held up her hand, and to her surprise, Jacqueline stopped speaking. “Wow, I didn’t think that would work. Look. Just come over.” Inside, Kate was holding her breath, hoping that she wouldn’t be eaten alive for the tone she had just taken.

  Jacqueline’s eyes narrowed, and Kate gulped, ready for whatever was coming. “Very well then.”

  “Oh! All right then. Okay, well, um...” She hadn’t thought of an exit strategy.

  “Kate.”

  She had turned, ready to get the hell out. “Yeah?”

  “The Louisville audition. You’re taking it, yes?”

  “Oh, um. I haven’t decided, actually. I’m not sure I want the job. I–”

  “Kate.”

  “Yeah?” Why did she always feel like a lap dog when she was near the Kensington matriarch?

  “Take the audition.”

  Kate folded her arms over her chest. “All due respect, ma’am, but shouldn’t that be my choice? I promised my son that we wouldn’t move again unless it was the last move. Besides, I hate Louisville. It’s kind of my unicorn.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  She shifted on her feet under the incredulous gaze of Jacqueline Kensington. “You know, my unicorn. The unreachable thing. I’ve taken Louisville auditions four times. I always make it to the final round, and I never win.”

  Jacqueline stared at her. “You want the Lyric audition, right? You want to succeed.” There was something in her eyes that Kate didn’t like. Could Jacqueline un-invite her from the Lyric audition? Was she that petty?

  She had a feeling this woman could do whatever the hell she wanted.

  “Of course I do,” she mumbled.

  “Then how wo
uld it look, dear, if an audition was handed to you and you did not take it simply because, as you say, ‘it’s your unicorn’? A sentiment I have decided I will no longer acknowledge, by the way. Missing the audition for an asinine reason such as that does not show good work ethic, does it? It does not look good, and we want to look good at all times. You are building a reputation for yourself, dear. Don’t be difficult. You say you are in the best shape of your life. Prove it. After all, would Ms. Ajam refuse the audition because it was her unicorn?”

  Kate’s lips pressed together. Her hands were in her back pockets as she started toward the door. Being told what to do annoyed the hell out of her far more than she wanted to admit, but she also had to admit that Jacqueline’s reminder hit home.

  Kate didn’t tell Vivian she was taking the stupid Louisville audition because of her mother. There was already enough animosity between them, and she refused to be the cause of more. On top of that, they hadn’t spoken of Hilary showing up at Vivian’s office.

  Still, as Vivian grew more and more distant over the week leading up to the audition, Kate wished she could. On the surface, everything was fine. They completed their Christmas shopping, they cuddled, they touched, but there was always a slightly dull quality to Vivian’s eyes no matter how many times Kate insisted she was just taking the audition for the sake of audition practice.

  “It’s just a formality, you know? It’s just to help work on my audition nerves.”

  “What about your position here?” Vivian had quietly asked when Kate had informed her she would be going.

  “That depends, are you asking as my girlfriend or as the board president?” Kate had been trying to make Vivian laugh, but instead Vivian seemed to retreat further into herself.

  “Both.”

  “What about Hilary, then, Viv?”

  Vivian’s face twisted into mild confusion. “Her doctors can’t seem to agree about her recovery.”

  Kate didn’t reply, only waiting for Vivian to understand her point.

  Vivian sighed. “Are you taking the audition as practice, or are you taking it because Hilary might possibly be recovering more quickly than we had thought? Those are very different things, Kate.”

  She didn’t have an answer to that, and so she said, “Viv, I’m not going to win. I’ve never won an audition there. I don’t want to move there at all. Have you ever been? You pretty much don’t fit in unless you have an unnatural love of horses. But auditions suck, so I should probably take it. Think of it as a warm-up for Lyric.”

  “That isn’t until spring.”

  “I know, I know, but stop worrying, okay? It will just be a fun little trip for Max and me.”

  Vivian’s already-scowling face fell. “Oh. You’re taking Max with you?”

  “Um, well, yeah, of course. I mean, I’d just leave him at the apartment, but I’m a little worried he and his friends might throw a kegger with some top shelf apple juice and get the cops called on them.”

  Vivian finally smiled a little and that made Kate smile as well, pleased to have cut some of the tension. “I just meant why don’t you leave him with me?”

  “Oh. Err…”

  “Why not? He and I can have some fun.”

  Kate’s mouth opened and closed twice before she finally shrugged. “All right, but don’t come crying to me when he gets into your apple juice.”

  Now it was time to go. She didn’t want to, not with that shadow on Vivian’s face. She had decided not to tell Max why she was going out of town for the day, worried that he wouldn’t understand; not that it seemed as though Vivian really did either.

  “I promise,” Kate said for what felt like the hundredth time. “I am coming back. I can tell you’re worrying. I’m not going to win.”

  Vivian gave her a brittle smile and pushed her toward the elevator. “You’ll be late if you hit any traffic.”

  Kate grabbed her, wrapping her in a tight hug. “I’ll be back soon, okay? It’s no big deal. Promise.”

  Vivian just watched Kate, her huge brown eyes blinking slowly. This lack of a reaction worried Kate more than the evasive shrugs she had been receiving.

  “Okay,” she finally said, unsure, and took a step toward the elevator. “I’ll see you tomorrow night at the latest.” Still stressed by Vivian’s reaction, she reached for the button that would close the elevator, but Vivian stopped it.

  “Kate.”

  “Hmm?”

  Vivian pushed her hand away from the button, her eyes sad.

  “Look, Viv—” she started, wanting to try and make her understand again.

  Vivian cut her off. She was suddenly cupping her face, bringing their lips together quick and hard. Kate gasped in surprise, feeling the pull of Vivian as she carefully slipped past Kate’s lips. She pulled her close, both reveling in and fearing the feelings that were flowing over her from Vivian like a tidal wave. She could feel her desperation in the way her nails dug ever so slightly into Kate’s skin, in the way she pulled her against her, in the pressure of her grip.

  Finally, a bit breathless, Vivian released her. With clouded eyes, she pushed the button for the lobby and stepped out. “I just wanted to send you off with a proper goodbye.”

  Kate grinned a little stupidly back, her thumb tracing her own lips. Maybe Vivian did get it after all.

  As the doors to the elevator closed, she was sure she saw Vivian’s smile drop from her face like a stone.

  She argued with herself the entire five-hour drive, debating turning around. Vivian clearly didn’t want her to take the audition. She was afraid that Kate and Max would leave, and despite her guilt, that thought was intoxicating to Kate. She had never had someone afraid to lose her like this before.

  What was she doing? Jacqueline wouldn’t take the Lyric audition away, she wasn’t that childish. Hilary wouldn’t be able to play. She was pushing herself because she was afraid of losing her job, but even if Hilary was ready to come back, the odds were they would keep Kate on for the season and she and Hilary would split the work. She would still be paid union scale full-time, so why was she worried?

  She told herself over and over again to turn around and go home, to show Vivian just how much she didn’t want to leave either, but she knew she couldn’t. Vivian was amazing, she was the best thing that had happened to her in years, but she couldn’t seem to make herself turn around.

  Besides, there really was no way she was going to win Louisville. She wasn’t even going to try to win.

  That’s why when she heard the number seventy-four called as the three other finalists sat around her picking their nails and pacing, she didn’t even look up. She was busy texting Vivian about what she and Max were doing that afternoon and hadn’t even heard.

  The tall, white-haired man cleared his throat again. “Seventy-four? Congratulations.”

  It wasn’t until the entire room had quieted that Kate looked up from her phone. She caught the eye of the cellist next to her. He was looking down at her with disgust. “What?”

  “You won.”

  “What?” Kate’s head whipped around to the audition committee member. “Uh, what?”

  His brow creased. “Of course, if you don’t want the job–”

  “No!” Kate cried, standing and shaking his hand. The other finalists picked up their instruments and, with a few sour looks, departed. “I mean, I don’t know.” Kate admitted. “I’m in the middle of a contract with the Windy City Chamber Ensemble right now. Would you be willing to defer a year? Do you need a solid yes or no today?”

  “No, Miss Flynn, though I would require a commitment before the next season starts in May. We can discuss deferment if need be.”

  Kate nodded. May. That was just after the Lyric audition. May would be perfect.

  3

  Kate spent the entire drive home choking back tears, her hands wrapped around the steering wheel in a vise grip.

  What was she going to do? She wouldn’t have even taken the damn audition if she thought there was any c
hance that she would win.

  The whole situation angered her. She hadn’t wanted to take it. She hadn’t even been trying. She had only taken it because she felt as though she had to, and now, instead of being resolved, this was a situation she couldn’t ignore.

  Had she actually tried, if she had cared, then she knew she would not have won. That was the case more often then it wasn’t. Twice she had shown up, ready and sounding musically perfect, with no other prospects, desperate for a job, and she hadn’t won. As a matter of fact, the last time she had auditioned in Louisville they had told her that they “didn’t think her sound would blend well with the section,” which was really just a polite way of saying that they hated her playing or that she played too loudly or too softly or not “musically” enough.

  “Fuck!” she cried as traffic entering the city made her come to a standstill.

  She had caught her unicorn, and now that she had it, she didn’t want it.

  The trouble was, her position in Chicago was temporary. Even if Hilary didn’t come back for another season, she would probably be back at least part-time the one after that. Somehow, in all of Kate’s planning and ranting on the way to Louisville, that point had slipped her mind. Now it blared like a neon sign, reminding her that no matter what, she would be out on her ass once more. Did she really have the right to turn this down?

  She sniffed and scoffed at herself, knowing that this was exactly why Vivian hadn’t wanted her to take the audition.

  The job was not a perfect one. She didn’t want to live in Kentucky; she would have to join a different union, and the pay was not great. But could she call herself a good mom if she walked away from this? It was a full-time orchestra job with salary, with honest-to-god benefits. Lyric was the dream, the goal even, but how could she know that would work out? It was pointless to lie to herself; Lyric would be a cutthroat audition in which only the very best would advance to the final round. She would take it because she hoped and she dreamed, but the odds of her winning were a million to one. What auditions would come up once she was back on unemployment and panicking daily about where her next paycheck came from? She had no way of knowing. There could be twenty auditions, all easy to win and all well-paying or there could be none. There was no way for her to know in advance.