Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “Wooooow,” Max moaned, pulling Kate’s attention back to him.

  In his lap sat a perfectly polished violin case.

  Kate’s first reaction was to roll her eyes. Jacqueline was annoyingly insistent that her son start an instrument as soon as possible, and she had told her many times that the piano “just would not do.” Jacqueline was incorrigible.

  Max threw open the lid and gasped at the beautiful golden wood. “This is for me?”

  Jacqueline nodded, a huge, tender smile gracing her lips.

  With a gentleness he showed for few objects, he lifted the violin from its case and held it to his chin, plucking an out-of-tune splat from the strings.

  Kate’s annoyance melted slowly as she took in the physique of the instrument. “Jacqueline…” The older Kensington openly ignored her, a sign that her suspicion was correct. “Jacqueline, is that a—” She couldn’t finish the question; she thought that perhaps she didn’t want to know. The curve of the instrument, the coloring... that was silly, it couldn’t be…

  “Max,” Kate beckoned him to her, feeling lightheaded. Taking the instrument in her hands, she peeked through the F-hole and then stared in shock at the maker’s label. She knew this brand; she knew this model and maker. This wasn’t something you played – this was a timepiece, meant to sit on someone’s shelf somewhere, possibly in a fucking glass case.

  The student piano Kate had been looking into had been little more than an upgraded keyboard, really, and it had run around two hundred dollars. If she decided that Max should begin on the violin instead, then she could have found a student violin for around the same price. This – Kate gulped a breath of air – the maker was rare, only made perhaps three hundred violins his entire career – she hadn’t even been aware that he made a half-sized violin. This piece in her hands would have to cost upwards of eight thousand dollars, though more than likely it had been inherited from some past Kensington. Had Vivian mentioned any relatives that were violinists? She didn’t know. She couldn’t think.

  Kate looked up and saw her own feelings in Vivian’s eyes: shock, horror, but to Kate’s disgust, there was also a touch of pleasure.

  Kate’s insides began to cool, the warm glow she had been feeling since the night before completely extinguished.

  “What does this say?” Max frowned down at the envelope that was hidden under the instrument in the case.

  The violin still clutched in her shaking grasp, Kate took the card and read out loud, “This is a voucher worth weekly lessons with Victoria Chinn until June of the next year at which time agreeable parties will reevaluate… Victoria Chinn?” Kate’s voice rasped from her unwilling throat. “Victoria Chinn, the concertmaster of the Chicago Symphony?” She realized she had stumbled to her feet at some point and felt herself flush; whether in shock, anger, or humiliation she did not know.

  Jacqueline beamed at Max like he was her personal ray of sunshine. “Ms. Chinn should get our boy right on track to becoming the prodigy we know he can be.”

  Kate tried to get her brain up and going again, but, each time she did, she felt it give up quickly. It took her a few moments to decide which thing she needed to do first. There were many, that much she did know.

  Gently, careful not to drop it, she handed the violin and the card to Vivian, her movements stiff. “Max, do not touch that. If you’ll excuse me, I need—” She turned, not bothering to finish her sentence, and rushed through the patio doors.

  She ignored the icy sting of the air on her skin, moving until she knew she was out of sight, hidden by the angle of the living room. Her hands clamped tightly on the metal railing at the patio’s edge, the bite of the cold metal burning as fury and grief washed through her in rock-hard spasms.

  Victoria Chinn? She had met her. She had recently attended a workshop in which the former concertmaster proudly stated she didn’t provide student lessons anymore, but when she had, she had charged a minimum of two hundred dollars an hour.

  Kate’s mind whirled as she did the math. Two hundred dollars a lesson, four lessons a month. After six months, that was nearly five grand.

  Bile rose in her throat. If she threw in the violin and her own gift, then that was at least –

  Her mind wouldn’t allow her to settle on the number. She didn’t want to think it into existence.

  She couldn’t understand why. She had been trying so hard, she had been letting it all go, she hadn’t put up too much of a fight. Why did they do things like this? Spend so extravagantly? To let people know they were wealthy? Why?

  She felt a hand on her arm and growled, ripping it away. Vivian’s face stayed stoic.

  “Do you know how much she spent?” she bellowed, knowing it was pointless to yell at her but yelling anyway.

  Vivian gravely nodded.

  Kate felt like pond scum—no, she felt like a pile of dog shit under someone’s designer heel. That violin and voucher represented all things that Max had never had: extreme wealth, opportunities beyond measure, one of the best teachers in the country, all of the things that Kate herself could not give him.

  She wanted to yell, to beg, to insist on knowing what was wrong with what she could give him. She wanted to make it clear to all of them that just because you could use the most expensive version of something did not mean you should. She gave him plenty, she worked her ass off so he could have everything she hadn’t, but this... she couldn’t give him this.

  “You know I could put him through college on that? That violin is worth enough to put him through fucking college, Vivian!” She slammed her hands down on the railing again.

  “It’s not that expensive, Kate. Expensive, yes, but please, let’s not exaggerate.”

  Kate’s teeth ground together.

  “You don’t have to take it.”

  That didn’t feel like the release from the uncomfortable situation she supposed it was meant to be. Instead, it felt like a dig, like jabbing the thorn in her side just a bit deeper. “Gee, thanks. Viv, do you understand how inappropriate this is?”

  Vivian nodded, shivering as a snowflake fell onto her cheek. “It’s a little much, I will admit. After all he’s young. Without meaning to he’ll break it and—”

  “A little much, Vivian? Are you kidding me?”

  Vivian’s hands closing tightly on her own hips. “Do not yell at me, Kate. I understand that you’re embarrassed, but don’t you want the best for Max?”

  Kate scoffed. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

  “I just meant—”

  “God, how the other half lives, huh? You know what it feels like you meant, Vivian? It feels like you just said the poor should take all of the handouts they can get. It’s okay to have a stranger spend thousands of dollars on you because you’re poor.”

  “You’re not poor! No one thinks that. And stranger? Kate, she’s my mother.”

  “I haven’t really considered myself poor in a long time.” Kate continued right over Vivian’s words. She felt like a can of shaken soda. She wanted to stop these bottled-up emotions from pouring out, but she couldn’t, not until it was done. “I know that this year has been kind of bad, but Max and I do pretty well. But since I met you I’ve been feeling – it feels like you just said, basically, that I can’t provide for my son. Not in the way you could, anyway, and so I should just give in and let you care for him from now on. I feel poor.”

  “Kate, I have never purposely made you feel poor!”

  Kate’s hands closed tighter on the bar, her knuckles turning white. Vivian tried to remove them from the cold metal, but Kate wouldn’t budge. “Oh, no? Then why do I have Halloween pictures in a costume brought to you by the J.C.K. Foundation? Why wouldn’t you let me pay for myself like you knew I wanted to? Why is it every single fucking time we go out, you insist on paying? And why am I wearing a Burberry coat that I felt too guilty to refuse? Or Max, with his freaking super expensive haircut and suit! Come on, Vivian! Don’t pretend you don’t throw your money around. Don’t
pretend you don’t like being able to do it all better than I can.”

  Vivian stumbled, flustered. “I just want to do what I can. I wanted to be sure you and Max have everything you need because I care about you. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this was bothering you so much. Why didn’t you tell me before now, Kate? Why didn’t you tell me before Christmas Day? I mean, I know you’re proud, but I assumed you understood—”

  Kate spoke over her once again. She was already yelling, and yet she knew if she wasn’t careful that it would get so much worse. She couldn’t stop thinking of that stupid violin. She felt so small. “You said it wasn’t expensive.” Vivian’s face remained blank. “The coat, you said it wasn’t expensive, but it’s Burberry, so what does that mean? What is inexpensive to you? One hundred? Two hundred? Three? Four?”

  She could see in the small squint that she had hit the number.

  Kate groaned, her head in her hands. “I’m wearing a four hundred dollar coat, are you kidding me?” The thing that bothered her was that she didn’t know. Was that a good price? “God, why do you do this, Vivian? I can see that the whole money thing is passed down, but why? And why did you buy Max a suit?” Unpleasant thoughts were starting to slip in. “His blue one was just fine. Is it so that he would tick the box of what your girlfriend’s son should look like?” she asked in a small voice. “Is that why I’m wearing Burberry instead of Target?”

  Vivian’s reaction was physical, her whole body tensing, some of the kindness leaving her eyes.

  “Look, I get it.” Kate hurried on, her voice a little stronger. “You guys have a name to protect and a reputation to uphold.”

  Vivian took a step back, her looks betraying a dark bitterness. “Have I ever treated you like you were something to dress and to perfect?”

  “I mean—”

  “So you’re just shaming me for having money, then?”

  “No! I’m saying you clearly have no idea what it’s like to have someone rub your nose in how much you don’t have! Only because you don’t have as much as they do!”

  “I am not doing that, Kate!”

  “Yes! You are! You both are! The goddamn violin, Vivian. Tell me how you two are not simply throwing your money around just because you can. A simple two-hundred dollar beginning violin would have been fine, but noooo, not to the Kensingtons!”

  “Kate, I don’t think you should keep the violin. I agree that it was extremely inappropriate!”

  “Didn’t you ever think how any of this would make me feel? Did you even consider that buying me a coat would make me feel like shit? That first night, when I asked you to come to dinner with me, did it ever occur to you how small it would make me feel that you paid?”

  “It was a business dinner, Kate, I told you that at the time.”

  “But it wasn’t, Vivian! And, god, that violin!”

  “I did not do that, Kate, my mother did! I am on your side! Stop yelling at me about something that she did. That was her action, not mine. As a matter of fact, stop yelling at me at all. I did nothing today, and I can’t understand you! No one is trying to make you feel bad; we’re just trying to help!”

  Kate stared at her girlfriend, her wonderful, sweet, beautiful, giving girlfriend, who right now didn’t understand who she was at all. She didn’t even look all that angry, despite the fact that Kate had been yelling at her for the last few minutes. Instead she honestly looked confused.

  Kate took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down, and spoke. “Viv, I don’t like it when people spend money on us, you know that, and yet you do it anyway. All of the time.” Vivian’s mouth opened, but she stopped her, with a gentle touch to her arm. “Wait, please. These gifts are unnecessary, and it just makes me feel small. It reminds me that we’re not good enough as we are and that sucks. I feel – god, I’ve never felt more like trash! I just don’t get why everyone feels they need to buy our affection. I get dressing us up, but—”

  “Kate, I am not dressing you two up. I buy you things because it brings me joy to do so, I pay when we go out because it makes me feel...”

  “Powerful.” Kate offered with no hint of anger.

  For a moment Vivian looked like she was going to argue, she looked angry, and then the look melted into ashamed resignation. Her hand fluttering over her stomach, she looked away, out across the city. “I’m not someone who feels in control of my own power often.”

  Her voice was so small, so humiliated, that it took the last bit of the anger from Kate and replaced it with shame. She knew this about Vivian. She had known it for a long while now. She knew that Vivian needed to feel powerful, she needed to feel in control, it was the only way she felt strong despite her disability. This wasn’t new information, so why hadn’t Kate ever seen it that way? “Viv.” She pulled her attention back to her with a wave. “Why do you feel like you need to buy us?”

  “I don’t.”

  “I hate when people spend money on me, and you know that. You know it so much that you constantly do things to minimize me knowing how much you spent. So... is it because you’re deaf?”

  Again, Vivian’s gaze turned out toward Lake Shore Drive and Lake Michigan.

  Kate nodded to herself after a few moments of silence.

  “I never meant to wound your pride,” Vivian said at last. “I only wish you had spoken up sooner. I have money, and I do not care much for it. I enjoy spending it on those I care for. But if you had said something, perhaps I could have explained.”

  “Explained what exactly?”

  “That I do it because I like to.”

  “But I know that.”

  Vivian’s lips pursed, and she nodded. “I’m sorry, Kate. I, I’ll speak to you before... money means so little when compared to caring for... I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

  Before she realized it, Kate’s arms wrapped around Vivian. To her horror, Vivian gave a shudder of a sob.

  “Goddammit,” she muttered to herself, angry all over again that she had done this. She had made Vivian cry. She hugged her tight, not moving until it was Vivian who pulled away.

  “I’m sorry,” Vivian demurely apologized.

  Kate shook her head. “No, god, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have... look, let’s keep talking about this, okay? Just, maybe not—”

  Vivian gave a hiccup of a laugh. “Not right now.”

  “Right.”

  “I’m glad to know how you feel, Kate.”

  She didn’t answer. Instead she leaned in and gave her a soft kiss.

  “I’m cold.”

  “Yeah.” Kate nodded, taking her hand. “Let’s go inside.” She had gotten lucky, she knew. That could have gone worse, and while she was sure it wasn’t over, at least the first step had been made.

  Kate reentered the apartment, frozen to the core and hands aching, only to see Charlie looking scared as Jacqueline helped Max’s fingers into the proper positions on the violin.

  His face stopped her in her tracks. He looked so happy as Jacqueline’s bony fingers helped him move, and that only made her feel worse.

  “Mother, we are going to talk about this,” Vivian demanded. “However, dinner is nearly ready, so we will discuss it after. Max, violin away please,” she said it with all the authority of Vivian Kensington, and while Max jumped, Jacqueline just watched her daughter with dark eyes as she turned to the kitchen.

  Dinner was silent and stressed, no one sure exactly what to say. Defiance radiated from Jacqueline like a radioactive gas, nauseating Kate who was sitting beside her, while Max looked around confused and uncomfortable.

  This was her fault and she knew it. If she had only let it go for now, spoken to Jacqueline later. It was Christmas.

  She did her best to turn the mood around. After all, hadn’t she said that no one was going to ruin their day today? She tried, but each attempt to make it better only made it worse. She was pleased that at least when she looked at Vivian, Vivian smiled back. It was small, and it was uncomfortable, but it was real.

&
nbsp; Everyone was happy when dessert was through and plates could be gathered. The night was almost done.

  “Can I play with the violin again?”

  “No!” Kate and Vivian cried in unison, one with her words and one with a sharp snap of her fingers. Max winced, and so, also in tandem, they kissed his cheeks in apology. “Skating? Are we going skating now?”

  Vivian nodded, stiffly telling him to pull his clothes on and then asking Charlie in whispered Sign if they would go ahead of them. “Kate, Mother, and I need to talk.”

  Charlie nodded, looking grateful to go.

  The moment they were out the door, Kate turned to Jacqueline, ready to take on that fight. That violin would not be coming home with them. Jacqueline stood, bold as day, and spoke before Kate could. “The best students require the best equipment and the best teachers, Katelyn. We can argue until we are blue in the face about this, but I refuse, absolutely refuse, to have my decision challenged. I have the means to do this for him, so you will let me!”

  “Your decision? Your decision? For my son?”

  “I have the means—”

  “I know you have the money, Jacqueline, but have you thought about how inappropriate your gift was?”

  Jacqueline’s eyes narrowed, a sudden mirror of her daughter, lip curling ready to spring on her prey and rip its throat out before devouring it. Jacqueline was used to her word being law, whether at the J.C.K. or even at WCCE. When she spoke, she expected people to listen. “Max deserves to have the best,” Jacqueline hissed in a cold, dry tone.

  “Why does everyone keep saying that? I know that!” Kate shouted. “Don’t you think I know that? I’m trying. But it doesn’t have to be the fucking concertmaster of the CSO in order to be the best!”

  “Watch your mouth, young lady!” Jacqueline cried, her lips pressed so thin they disappeared.

  That stopped Kate in her tracks. Young lady? As though she were a child that Jacqueline could put over her knee. She stared at her, trying to figure out exactly how to respond to that.

  “God, what is it with you? Jesus Christ!” She sat hard in the chair, her face in her hands trying to get control of her breath. “I know that you think you’re doing what’s right for him, but neither of you get to tell me what’s right for him. Max is my son!” Her insides were starting to feel raw. She took a long, slow, deep breath and felt some sanity creep back into her.