Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  Then it dawns on me that I might not really even have a decision to make. He hadn’t asked me to continue seeing him. He said he wanted to get to know me, which indicates spending more time together, but he hasn’t put up much of a fight to get me to accept it. He hasn’t called or sent any texts, just silence on his end. I know he said that was what he was going to do, but I think a small part of me had wanted him to up his game, to chase me a little. I don’t want to be the rebound girl. Maybe his silence is the answer to my own question. Maybe I should walk away before this gets out of hand, and my heart ends up in a bigger mess than it has been for the last two years. This is why I hate dating!

  Sitting in my apartment, high, which is how I have spent all of my free time since Sunday, I get an email from one of the suits telling me to meet them at a conference center downtown in the morning at nine. They have someone coming in to talk about team building retreats, and they want me to meet with him. I reply, agreeing to meet them, and let out a breath, thankful to have another day before I have to see Gray. I climb into bed, hoping sleep will come quickly, but it evades me as usual. Insomnia being its own natural torture.

  Lying there, I keep thinking back to Magnolia’s. Reliving the way his body felt pressed against mine, how deep his voice was when he put his lips against my ear so I could hear him over the music. I find myself slipping my hand beneath my panties – I’m drenched. I slowly start to circle three of my fingers around my clit as I remember his hips grinding into my ass on the dance floor. I dip my middle finger into my pussy the way he had dipped his knee between my thighs, pushing down on my clit with the ball of my hand. My back arches slightly as I slip further into my fantasy with Gray all over me, slowly lifting my hips as I would if he were grinding into me with his cock. I can almost see him hovering over me, leaning on one arm to keep his weight off me. With my other hand, I cup my breast, pinching my nipple hard, and pull it as though his teeth are on it, lips sucking it. Plunging my finger into my pussy, over and over, I call out his name as I come undone. I pull my finger out as the pulses roll through my body. I lick my finger to taste myself, imagining that it would turn him on. Sated, my eyelids get heavy; I drift off.

  The next morning, on my way downtown to meet Dan and Brett, I decide to call Gray. I’m not sure what I want to say, and I’m not going to say it while he’s at work, but I need to see him. His phone goes straight to voicemail, but I don’t leave a message. I debate calling the DC to ask for him, and figure since he’s a manager no one will think anything about it. Before I can change my mind, I press the numbers on the phone and a man answers. “This is John, how can I help you?” He says flatly into the phone. He sounds like Ben Stein in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” I giggle at the thought, “Bueller? Bueller?”

  “May I speak with Gray?” I’m trying to sound professional, but I think it came off a little whiney.

  “Sure, let me page him. Is this his wife?” His voice becomes a little more animated.

  “No, I’m sorry, it’s not. This is Annie with Waltons… the consultant?” I’m beet red with embarrassment thinking this guy knows; he’s going to tell everyone in the facility that I’m having some sorted affair with a married man. I think about hanging up when I realize I’ve already told him who I am.

  “Oh, hey, Annie. Hang on just a second.” He doesn’t sound like he thinks it was weird. Maybe I’m being paranoid. I wait for several minutes and I’m almost to my destination when I finally hear his voice. I am not expecting the wave of relief it brings over me.

  “This is Gray.” He sounds winded as he speaks into the phone. I’m silent for longer than I should be. “Hello?” he says into the phone.

  I feel the smile that is forming on my lips as I start to respond. “Hey, Gray, it’s Annie. I’m sorry to bother you at work – ” he cuts me off before I can finish my sentence.

  “No bother. I’m glad to hear from you, but why didn’t you call my cell?”

  “I did. It went straight to voicemail. I wanted to call you before I lost my nerve.” I’m honest, at this point and I don’t figure this could get much more awkward.

  “Lose your nerve? Why would you be nervous to call me? Shit, don’t answer that. I have an audience. Let me move to one of the offices. Hang on just a second.”

  “No, Gray, wait! I’m going into a meeting with Brett and Dan. I don’t have time to talk. I wanted to see if I could – I mean, if we could – ” I’m stammering over my words like the idiot he brings out in me. “I’d like to see you tonight if you’re around?” It ends up coming out like an insecure question, and I feel like a loser.

  “Absolutely.” There is zero hesitation in his response. “Where?”

  “Can you come over to my place when you get off work?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay, then I guess I’ll see you around seven thirty.” When we disconnect, part of me is elated, but the other causes a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t wait to see him, but I also know that I have to address the elephant that will be in the room. I’m not sure how to do that without sounding like a home-wrecking whore.

  Chapter Ten – Gray

  Walking back into Topher’s house after getting out of Annie’s car was the worst walk of shame I’ve ever made. It was horrible, hopeless, and agonizing. I knew telling her about Abby was something I had to do, but I had expected more of a conversation about it. She shocked the shit out of me by only asking a couple of questions that didn’t really answer anything for her, and then asked me to get out. She wasn’t mean, there was no anger, but damn the look of disappointment on her face cut me to the quick. Her eyes said more than her words could have. I would have taken a knife to my left nut not to have to make that confession to her.

  I told her I wouldn’t contact her in any way, but after two days of waiting, it’s taking every ounce of self-control I have not to pick up the phone and beg her to let me try to explain. I know if I could just see her, or hold her, I could fix this. Topher stops me every time I go to dial her number.

  “Give her time. You just dumped a shit-ton on her, Gray. She’s young, and based on what Lynn has told me, she’s only had one serious relationship. He left her right before they started college so he could ‘experience the college life’. I can’t imagine this brings back such great memories for her. Lynn said it crushed her for him to tell her that being with her wasn’t experience enough. You basically just said the same thing about your wife. Let her process, man.”

  I know he’s right; although, I didn’t know the part about the ex. I hate any man that could say something like that to her, but then I appreciate the fact that he did, or she wouldn’t be available for me to even pretend like I had a chance with her. I satisfy my craving to talk to her by calling her office when I know she is at the DC just so I can hear her voicemail. I’m pathetic.

  I’m drinking the days away, unable to bring myself to leave Topher’s house. I can’t stop thinking about her. I need to be around her. I haven’t washed my shirt from the night we went to the football game because I can smell her on it. I’m sleeping with it at night like a damn security blanket. Geezus, when did I become such a fucking pussy? I’ve woken up multiple times in the middle of a wet dream like a high schooler, with my hand choking the shit out of my dick, my mind believing it’s her pussy wrapped around it. I try to stay in that state where I can still feel the dream like it’s reality, but it eludes me, and I end up jacking off into a tissue.

  I have no idea where this desperate need for her is coming from. I have never felt drawn to a woman like I do her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had women that were attracted to me and vice versa, but never one that I thought I’d leave my wife for. Geezus, there’s another lie. If she had any idea that I hadn’t left my wife until the night before we went to the football game… I don’t even want to think about it. I’ll come clean with that down the road. If there is a down the road, but based on her lack of communication, I’m guessing that’s not looking very good.
I was unhappy with Abby; I had been looking for an out. I just didn’t know Annie would be it. I don’t want her to feel like she was my only reason for leaving, but she sure as hell was the motivation.

  Thursday morning, I pry myself out of bed, feeling like shit from the raging hangover I have held onto since Monday morning. Getting out of bed to go to work takes a lot of effort, but I keep telling myself that I will get to see her even if she won’t talk to me. It’s a small thing that I find peace in, and I decide to hold on to that with hope.

  Walking into the DC, Lynn flags me down. “Hey, Gray!” she hollers across the floor. “Dan left you a list of stuff he wants you to do today.”

  “What the hell? Why doesn’t he give that shit to Brett? He’s his sidekick.” I’m not in the mood for this shit. I hate when people dump their work on me unexpectedly. They have five days to accomplish what they need to. I have three. Doing another manager’s job on top of my own, when I’m hung over, just pisses me the fuck off.

  “He and Brett are out of the office today. They’re meeting with Annie off-site. I don’t know what for. That’s just what the note Dan left on my desk said.” She hands me the stacks of paperwork and Dan’s to-do list. I know it’s not her fault, but not only did she just deliver a shit storm of work to me, but she unknowingly just destroyed my only reason for coming in today. Annie won’t be here.

  I can’t think, and the noises that are starting to pick up in the DC as people come in feel like nails being driven into my head. I try to escape to an office to get a little peace and quiet, but every time I start to work on something, someone is paging me to answer a phone, come to some part of the DC, help with a picking issue, handle shipping problems, wrong items in receiving, etc. It’s not even nine o’clock, and I’m ready to clock out and go home. I put my head on my crossed arms on the desk and close my eyes.

  Seconds later, the intercom system goes off again. “Gray Dearsley, you have a call on line seven. Gray, line seven.” I can’t answer incoming calls from outside on the shipping dock. I have to go up to Lynn’s desk or to the offices on the other side of the building. Damn it. I pick myself up out of the chair, hearing the page again. I want to scream at John and tell him I’m fucking coming, to give me a damn minute to get to the phone, but it would be a wasted effort. I start to jog toward the phone after the third page – if I don’t pick up by the fourth ring, it will send the person to a general voicemail that is a pain in the ass to check. I reach the phone as it rings back, grabbing it off the hook.

  “This is Gray.” I say, wondering if it took too long for me to get to the phone causing the caller to hang up. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Gray, it’s Annie. I’m sorry to bother you at work – ” I cut her off before she can give me some crap about bothering me. She can bother me any time she wants to. I’m grateful she’s still allowing me to hear her voice. Listening to her is like the calm after the storm. She doesn’t make any promises to me, but does ask me to come see her tonight, which I readily agree to.

  Chapter Eleven – Annie

  Sitting on my couch waiting for Gray to show up, I still don’t know why I called him over here. I haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to say, or what I want to do. My head tells me to walk away, but somehow my heart got involved. That traitorous organ just wants to cling to him. I’ve never felt drawn to someone the way I am to Gray. I’m pretty sure he is going to destroy me in the long run, but I want to know what it feels like to be loved by him, even if only briefly. With that thought, there’s a knock, and Gray is standing on the other side of the door. His hands are in his jean pocket, and he’s rocking back on his heels, refusing to make eye contact with me. It’s cute that he’s nervous, and it completely seals the deal. I realize at that moment that there is a crack in his cocky exterior; there’s a softness to him. I giggle, grabbing him by the shirt to tug him in the door. This was not how I envisioned this, but what the hell, you only live once, right?

  He looks at me when my hand hits his shirt. I think he’s a little bewildered. His eyes look sad, as if he is waiting for me to tell him to bugger off. I want to make him sweat a little bit, but games aren’t my forte. When he stumbles through the door, I put my arms around his waist, pushing the door closed with my foot. He doesn’t react at first, but when I squeeze just a bit, his arms go around my back. I feel his chin on my head. With my head pressed against his chest I can hear his heartbeat and smell his alluring cologne. He’s warm and feels perfect against me. Reluctantly, I pull away, taking his hand to lead him to the couch. Yes, I’m going to give him a pass on the whole marriage gig, but he is going to hear me out about what I expect from anyone I’m in any sort of relationship with, friendship or otherwise.

  “Have a seat, Gray. I’m not going to hurt you, so quit looking like someone ran over your dog.” He sighs heavily, and I wonder how long he’s been holding it in. Awkward silence ensues. I guess I’m going to have to lead this conversation.

  “Look, Gray, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to call you back. I wanted to think about everything and make sure I was making a good decision. I’ve struggled with the fact that you are married and never told me, but then I remind myself, had I known, we would have ended immediately. I need to know that I can trust the people in my life; this kind of thing makes me wonder. I know it took a lot for you to own up to it, but it still felt like a kick to the gut. I’m younger than you are, so you have to keep in mind that I don’t know people dealing with these kinds of issues. I don’t even have any friends that are married, much less considering divorce.”

  I pause, thinking he might say something, but he doesn’t. He just sits quietly, pleading with those eyes that ignite butterflies in my stomach. It takes everything I have not to grab his face, kiss the hell out of him, and confess my love for him, but that would just be crazy, so I start talking again. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to know you. I want to have you around. I like your quirks – your goofy grin you reserve just for me, how giddy you get watching little kids play football. I like that you make me smile and enjoy bits of life, because I don’t do that a lot. More than anything, I like that you make me feel again. I’ve been numb for a long time, just going through the motions, always reaching for something, but not sure what. The last few weeks, I’ve felt happiness, nervousness, jealousy, anger, pain… most of those in the last few days” – I wink at him – “I don’t know why I’m drawn to you, but I am.”

  I’m starting to get nervous because this is the part where I’m assuming he actually wants to see me, to date me, but if that’s not the case, I’m about to look really dumb. “I’d really like to keep seeing you. Dating you.” And there’s that silence again… Geezus, Gray, say something! I silently scream at him. I don’t know what else to do, so I just sit there staring at him. When I finally see him crack a grin, I feel like I can finally breathe again. He gives me that lopsided one where he only smiles with half of his mouth, but it makes his eyes crinkle. That’s the smile I’m convinced he reserves for only me.

  “That’s not what I was expecting you to say. I figured I’d be lucky to get out of here without getting punched in the face, but I was going to let you do it.” He’s beaming; I love the way his entire face is lit up – I can tell he’s genuinely happy. “I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with you, Annie. I want to make a bunch of excuses to try to make myself look better, but the truth is, I don’t have any.”

  “I just need honesty, Gray. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect; God knows I’m not. No more secrets, okay?”

  “Got it.”

  We settle back into the couch, talking for hours about everything. I tell him about Will. He tells me more about Abby. We talk about my parental issues, my need to live up to their expectations while really wanting to go a completely different direction in my life. He tells me crazy stories about Big Dee that make me laugh. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a mom that is so fun loving. I’m sure it helps that they are only seventeen years
apart in age. My mom is thirty-years older than I am, and a total stick in the mud. He tells me more about Topher and his fiancé, and yes, her name is Heather. Gray reminds me what a moron he thinks the poor girl is, but says she’s sweet. Again, I ask about the tattoo, and he tells me it’s his name in Hebrew, followed by a grin and a wink. I tell him about Jenny and Kris, my bestie in Charleston. As we talk, I put my feet in his lap, and he starts to rub them. I know at that moment that I made the right decision because this foot massage is almost orgasmic.

  Chapter Twelve – Gray

  A couple of months have gone by without a hitch. Annie is getting ready to go back to school for the fall semester and is working a ton of hours trying to make sure her team is ready to take over her project at the DC. We spend all of our free time together, usually at her place because Topher’s couch just isn’t a cool place to take your girl. He’s moving Heather in with him next week, meaning I’m moving out with no clue where I’ll end up. I haven’t even looked at apartments. I spend most nights at Annie’s anyhow, but I guess it would be kind of weird if I just showed up with all my clothes, since that’s all I really have, and just never left. I can’t imagine getting an apartment on my own, and then being with her all the time. It seems like a waste, but I have no game plan. I haven’t told Annie that I will be exiting Topher’s in the near future.

  The week flies by, Friday comes and I realize I’m essentially homeless. I still haven’t told Annie, and now I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to tell her without it looking like I’ve been keeping something from her. When my shift ends, I decide to checkin to the Super 8 close to work for the foreseeable future. I know Annie is somewhere in the building, but I haven’t seen her so I send her a text: