Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  Seeing her lying in the bed breaks my heart. She looks so frail. I see the dark circles around her eyes and it’s clear how much weight she’s lost. I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. I want to be angry at her, but right now, all I can think about is my need to protect her. I climb in the bed next to her, avoiding the IV lines, and pull her to me, tucking her into my side. I kiss her temple and tell her I love her, knowing she can’t hear me. I fall asleep holding her and wake to a nurse in the room checking her vitals. I move to get up, but the nurse puts a hand on my arm. “It’s good for her to feel you with her. You don’t need to get up. I’ll be out of here in just a minute,” she tells me. I close my eyes and drift off again.

  I feel Annie moving next to me and slowly open my eyes to see her beautiful face staring at me. “Hey, baby,” I whisper. “How are you feeling?”

  “My head hurts and I’m really tired, but other than that I’m okay. What happened? We were supposed to go to lunch. How did we end up here?”

  “We were texting, and then you quit responding so I called your cell over and over. When you didn’t answer, I got worried and came to the school to try to find you. I knew you hadn’t slept last night and was afraid you’d been in an accident. I found you in your car unconscious. When I couldn’t get you to wake up, I called 911 and an ambulance brought you here. The doctor said the cocaine sent you in to some type of stroke-like disarray and your blood pressure and pulse were really high. They gave you sedatives to bring it down.” I wait to see what she will say in response.

  Tears are streaming down her face, and she’s clinging to me like she’s afraid I’m going to disappear. “Baby, tell me what happened. How much have you been using? The doctor thought you tried to overdose based on what was in your system.”

  “I’m sorry, Gray. I couldn’t stay awake to do my homework at night after you went to sleep, and spend time with you. I figured I could make it through the semester, and then I’d have several weeks to recuperate.” She’s pleading with me to understand, and it dawns on me that I am part of the problem. She was skipping the time she normally spent doing homework to spend time with me. Guilt overwhelms me. I pushed her to this extreme, and she had followed to make me happy.

  “Don’t cry, sweetheart. We’ll figure it out,” I tried to reassure her.

  “Are you going to leave me?” She’s looking up at me; her eyes are bloodshot and filled with tears. She has no clue what I felt seeing her unconscious in my lap or watching the ambulance pull away without me.

  “Oh, baby, no… I’m not going anywhere. We just need to figure out a way to fix this so you don’t need to go days without sleeping. We don’t have to talk about it now. You need to rest.” She sniffs, tucking her body back into my side with her head on my shoulder. It’s like she was made for that spot, and I love having her there.

  Two days later, they are discharging her. She passed the psych evaluation, but they’re still giving her all kinds of information on Narcotics Anonymous and counseling programs for drug addicts. She listens and nods at appropriate times, but I can tell by her body language that she thinks they are full of shit, and I have to agree. I called in sick while she was in the hospital and never left her side. Driving home I know we are going to have to talk about a plan going forward, but I’m dreading it. I hold her hand through the silence as she looks out the window.

  Sometime on the drive home, she drifts off to sleep, so when we pull into the complex, I come around the truck to pick her up and carry her inside. She puts her arms around my neck, allowing me to pull her close. I put her in bed and go to the living room to rest on the couch. Hanging out in the hospital has not been good for my back, and every muscle in my body hurts. She wakes me up by kneeling next to the couch and stroking my face, watching me. It is dark outside. I guess we have both been asleep for hours. I lean in and kiss her sweet lips before sitting up and motioning her to join me. She sits down next to me, staring at the floor.

  Geezus, she’s already in defense mode thinking I’m going to lash out at her. Oddly, I’m not angry with her. Yes, she knew how I felt about the drugs. Yes, I told her I didn’t want her doing them. Yes, she did them anyhow. BUT – she did them to keep her dreams alive and make the dream of us a reality. How can I be mad at someone who went to such lengths to please me?

  “Sweetheart, we need to talk,” I say gently while stroking her face. She leans her cheek into my hand, but continues looking down. I tip her chin up to me, forcing her to look in my eyes. “I promise, no yelling, no arguing. I love you, and we need to find a solution that doesn’t involve coke.”

  “What do you suggest?” I hear the skepticism in her voice like she’s already tried everything and this was her only option.

  “Well, let’s start with what you perceive to be on your plate that you have to take care of. You have Waltons, school, and me. Did I miss anything?”

  “No. Those are my three priorities, although, not necessarily in that order.”

  “Annie, why are you working full-time at Waltons? Have you thought about asking Jack to let you pick and choose your assignments based on your course load at school? Or, maybe he would let you go in and do all of the proposals, but have someone else do implementation?”

  “Gray, do you have any idea how much tuition and books are? Not to mention living expenses.” I hear the edge in her voice and I know when I make this suggestion she’s going to blow a gasket.

  “Annie, why won’t you let me take care of you? I make plenty of money to cover the rent and expenses. You don’t have to work, and you certainly don’t have to work full-time. Jack loves you. You and I both know that he will let you work whatever projects you want to until you graduate.”

  “I make my own way, Gray. If I wanted someone else to take care of me, I could use my parents for that. It’s important to me to know that I did this on my own.”

  “Annie, if we’re gonna to be together, you are going to have to let me help you. You can’t carry the burden on your own. Do you know how emasculating it is for you to not let me help you? I know you never touch the money I give you for rent and utilities – it’s all sitting in the drawer in the kitchen. I don’t want you to keep me up. I want you to let me love you and be your partner.”

  I can see her debating this in her mind. Her forehead always crinkles when she’s in deep thought. I just wait for her to respond.

  “So, if working part-time isn’t an option, do you have any other suggestions?” Well, at least she hasn’t completely shot me down, even if she hasn’t agreed to anything.

  “You could cut back on your class load and go to school part-time.”

  “Anything else?”

  “You can get rid of me and go back to a life that worked for you, a life where you were consumed by work and school and never let anyone in. One that was void of feelings and love, and most importantly, there was no sex.” I try to lighten it up there in the end, but I’m serious. Something has to give, and if she won’t cut back on work or school, it will have to be me. I won’t watch her kill herself over our relationship.

  “You said you weren’t leaving?” Hell, she zeroed in on that one like a bat out of hell. The tears are back in her eyes, threatening to leave a trail down her pink cheeks.

  “Baby, I don’t want to. I want you to let me help you. I never want to leave your side, but Annie, something has to change. If you can’t slow down work or school, then I don’t have a choice but to step aside. I’m not threatening you. I want you to see how serious this is. I love you. I want what’s best for you. You almost died a couple of days ago, and I won’t watch it happen again.”

  “Your leaving isn’t an option, Gray. I’ll go see Jack tomorrow and talk to him. If he’s not open to me working fewer contracts, then I’ll lighten my course load at school.” She sounds defeated. I hate that I’m forcing her to choose, but I’d rather have her mad at me and alive, than me not take a stand and find her dead.

  “Annie, it’s going to work out. I promi
se. Give me the chance to be what you need me to be. I know you don’t want to depend on anyone else, but we both know you would be just fine without me, so think of me as a partner instead of a crutch.”

  Chapter Nineteen – Annie

  The conversation with Jack went better than I expected it to. He said he wondered how long I would continue burning the candle at both ends before my body gave out. I was honest with him about the hospital stay, which, of course disappointed him, but he admitted to having done stupid things along the way when he was younger to keep his head above water. He liked the idea of me selling accounts and other people working them. He agreed that I could take on as many or as few as I wanted to. Since I will basically be creating my own workload going forward, he said that he would have to restructure my commission and lower my base a bit, but I had expected that. I know Jack and I know that he will make it worth my time to sell the accounts, so I expect the commission to skyrocket. I’m on cloud nine. Maybe Gray’s suggestion to cut back a bit was a smart move. I can’t wait to tell him how things went. Grabbing my phone from my pocketbook, I send him a text.

  Me: Hey, baby. Just talked 2 Jack. Heading home.

  Gray: I’m at Topher’s. Be home n a bit & u can tell me about it.

  Me: Sounds good. Luv u

  Gray: Luv u 2, Bird Dog.

  I’m on a happy high when I get home. I turn on the boob tube before lying down on the couch to wait for Gray. The phone rings in the kitchen waking me up. It’s dark, and the clock on the microwave glows 10:07pm. I hurry to the phone wondering where Gray is. “Hello?”

  “Uhh, may I speak to Gray?” The woman on the other end of the phone asked.

  “Hang on just a sec, let me see if he’s here.” Setting the phone down, I walk through the apartment, and then look out the front window. His truck isn’t outside so he apparently isn’t home. “I’m sorry. He’s not here. Can I take a message?”

  “No thanks, I’ll just try his cell again.” With that the mystery woman hangs up. I have no clue who that was nor how she got my home phone number. It’s not listed and I don’t give it out – I don’t think Gray even knows the number.

  Snatching my cell phone off the coffee table, I dial Gray’s number. He should have been home hours ago. He answers on the second ring. “Hey, Bird Dog! You finally rising from the dead?” It’s so loud in the background I can hardly hear him. “Hang on, baby, let me walk outside.” It’s like he read my mind. “Sorry, baby, I’m back. Did you sleep well?”

  “How’d you know I was asleep?”

  Laughing, he retorts, “Baby, I came home and woke you up, or tried to wake you up. I gave you a kiss and told you that I was going to go hang out with Topher at GameTime and to call me when you got up. You were exhausted and needed to sleep. I didn’t figure you would remember talking to me. I left you a note on the kitchen counter, didn’t you see it?”

  “No, it’s pitch black in here. The house phone woke me up and I realized you weren’t home.”

  “When did we get a home phone?” I hear in his voice the surprise, he had no clue there was a landline in the apartment.

  Giggling, I said, “That answers that question. I wondered why you had given the number out to someone.”

  He got really quiet. “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, some lady called and asked for you, but didn’t leave a message. She said she’d call your cell again.” I brush it off because it’s not a big deal, but apparently Gray thinks differently.

  “I’m on my way home. Don’t answer the phone or the door.”

  “What the hell, Gray? You’re freaking me out.”

  “Lock the door, Annie. I’ll be home in less than five minutes. If the phone rings again, don’t answer it.” And with that he disconnects.

  True to his word, less than five minutes later, he comes smashing through the door – that wasn’t locked. Oops. “I told you to lock this door, Annie. What the fuck?”

  “Why are you yelling at me, Gray? You were right down the street and on your way home. Why are you so freaked out?” He’s scaring me, and not telling me what’s going on is making it worse.

  He locks the door behind him and drags me to the couch with him. Situated in his lap, he continues to ignore my questions. “So how’d things go with Jack?”

  I hit him on the chest. “Gray! What the fuck is going on?”

  He lays his head back on the couch exhaling a deep sigh. “I didn’t tell you this because you were stressed about exams, and then honestly, with everything else that happened I forgot about it. A couple weeks ago, Abby’s dad showed up here. He knows about you; although, I have no idea how, and he threatened me. I don’t think he meant the threat in a physical sense, but I don’t want to take any chances. Abby’s been blowing up my phone today, but I haven’t returned her calls. I sent her a text telling her that I didn’t think we should talk and if she needed something it should probably go through our attorneys. I guess it pissed her off because she kept calling over and over leaving messages. I finally listened to one. She indicated that if I wouldn’t talk to her that she would just go straight to the source. I’m assuming now that means you since she called here.”

  “But she had me on the phone and didn’t say anything, didn’t even identify who she was?”

  “And how’d you feel when a random woman called our apartment on a phone number that I didn’t know existed?”

  “I thought it was strange, but it didn’t bother me. Should it have?”

  “Well, most women would have been bothered by a woman calling her boyfriend at ten o’clock at night, not leaving a message, and saying she’d call his cell.” He raises an eyebrow at me like he’s not buying that I wasn’t jealous or irritated.

  “Gray, I don’t have any reason not to trust you. If you don’t want to be with me, you won’t be with me, right? So why create problems where they don’t exist?” I’m serious as a heart attack; it never dawned on me to be jealous of the woman calling my house. After all, she called MY house where she assumed MY man was. “Do you really think her or her dad would hurt you…or me?”

  “I don’t know. I never thought her Dad would show up on your doorstep looking for me. I didn’t think she’d blow up my phone trying to get me to talk to her. I do know that I’m not going to let anyone near you though.” I love his alpha-male, protective, dominant side. “So are you going to tell me how things went with Jack?”

  A little giddy, I tell him about my meeting and that Jack was all for it. Gray tells me how proud he is of me. He’s excited I’ll be home more to be able to spend time with him and actually stay in bed with him at night. “I need you to make a promise to me, Annie. I need you to promise me that there will be no more drugs of any kind for any reason. I can’t go through that again. If you are overwhelmed or need help, you have to tell me and let me help you through it.”

  “I promise.”

  Christmas break went by really quickly. It was nice having time off to hang out with Gray and just focus on work. My new schedule allows me to work when I want to. I am amazed that I am able to secure four contracts during my time off school. Based on my new commission structure and the size of the contracts, I made more money in four weeks than I had made in two months previously. Once school starts back, I’ll spend three days a week on campus going to class and doing homework. Tuesdays and Thursday I work for Waltons. My nights are left completely open for Gray.

  ~~

  Four Months Later

  As the spring semester is starting to come to a close, I am dreading finals. The last couple of weeks, Gray has seemed distant. I don’t know if I’m imagining it or if it’s the amount of time I have had to spend wrapping up school projects and studying, but something is off. He’s been going out with his friends more at my suggestion because I didn’t want him sitting around. I hate not being able to go out with him, but between me being underage for another three weeks, and his not wanting us to be caught together before his divorce is final, I am spending
a lot of time alone. I don’t want to feel like a needy girlfriend, but I’m lonely. I miss him, plain and simple. I’m starting to become a little jealous. It’s a side of me I have never seen before. But every time I hear his phone chirp with a text in the middle of the night, or it ring and him silence it instead of answering it, my skin crawls. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him, but my claws are trying to come out to gouge at the unknown, laying claim to what’s mine. I’ve invested a year into Gray at this point, and I’m not going to let him go without a fight. I almost pop myself for even having the thoughts that he might leave. I’m tormenting myself with nothing substantial to go on.

  I’m making enough at Waltons working part-time that I don’t plan to return full-time this summer. For the first time in my life, I’m going to spend time with my friends and hang out with my boyfriend like any other college student would do. Gray and I are going to Gatlinburg, TN for a few days after school lets out. I’m hoping a few days without any distractions will revive our relationship. Holding on to that notion, I power through the next few days, almost never seeing Gray.

  Leaving my last final, I pick up the phone to call him. I can’t wait to hear his voice, and damn, I need to feel him on my skin. I get a nervous feeling in my stomach as the phone rings, but after the fourth ring, it goes to voicemail. Disappointed, I leave him a quick message. “Hey, baby, I just got out of school so I’m going home. Gimme a call.”

  My phone vibrates in my hand. Thinking it’s Gray, I answer it without looking at the screen, but find it’s Kris. She’s coming home from Charleston next week and can’t wait to get together. Feeling like a horrible friend, not in the mood to talk, I make up an excuse to call her later before hanging up.

  Kris knows me to well enough to not bother calling bullshit, or push until I’m ready to talk. We’ve been friends since we were sixteen. I adore her; she’s my best friend. We started college together, but after a not so successful first year, she went to Greenville Tech for a semester before transferring to College of Charleston. I miss her fiercely, but we still try to see each other regularly and talk on the phone all the time. She’s not a huge Gray supporter, but not because she doesn’t like him, she doesn’t like that he’s married. I’ve pointed out on numerous occasions that he is separated, but in her mind it means the same thing. She won’t condone the relationship until the ink dries on the court documents.