Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  Walking in the door, Topher immediately knows there’s something wrong. “What’s up, man? Did you and Annie have a fight?”

  “Nah, no fight. I think we really broke up though.” I’m not sure why I feel that way since we just agreed we are doing this baby thing and we had sex, but me leaving was the ultimate slap in her face.

  “What? Why?” He’s as confused as I am.

  “She’s pregnant, man.” I sigh, sitting down in the living room.

  “Whoa. I hate to tell you Gray, but most men don’t break up with their girlfriends when they find out they’re pregnant. Of course, most of them don’t move out when their girlfriends are sick as shit either. Not that I’m judging you, but what the fuck are you thinking?” He’s on the verge of full-blown anger. Topher doesn’t get mad much, but he and Annie are tight. He cares about her and doesn’t want me fucking her over. I’m pretty sure this crosses that line in his book.

  “That’s not how it happened.” I retort, incensed that he is remembering things slightly askew from reality.

  “It doesn’t matter how it technically happened. What matters is how she’s feeling. She’s alone, dealing with being pregnant, been sick, and you bailed on her. Why did you even go over there tonight? I can tell by how you’re acting that you didn’t find out tonight that she’s pregnant, so how long have you known?” Geezus, Topher the bleeding heart romantic. When did he lose his man card?

  “I’ve known for over a week. I – ”

  He interrupts me, “You’ve known for over a week, but you haven’t been over there? Haven’t talked to her? Please tell me you were at least texting her!” He’s just flat out yelling now.

  “No, Topher, I wasn’t contacting her. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck to do. This isn’t exactly great timing you know. I don’t want a fucking baby. I don’t want to be tied down to her.” It’s harsh. It even hurt my ears to hear it come out. Thank God I hadn’t been this crass when I talked to Annie.

  “She deserves better than you, Gray. She’s a good girl, and if you are too blind to see it, someone else will. She loves you more than Abby ever dreamed of loving you – doesn’t ask anything of you, doesn’t push for anything from you, just loves you, Gray.” Shaking his head, he walks away. I know he’s livid and everything he’s said is true, but just not important enough for me to take it to heart. Annie isn’t going anywhere; she’s pregnant with my kid. We will always be connected. She will always be there waiting for me. The only time I’ve ever feared losing her was when I thought she was going to die in that parking lot at the school. I’ve always known she’d never walk away from me on her own.

  The first couple of weeks after we decided to keep the baby, Annie tried to keep me involved. She’d tell me about doctor appointments or things she read – usually via text, unless I stopped by one night after going out, which happened more often than I care to admit. She became my last call, like the Leeann Womack song. She deserves better, I knew then and I know it now, but she’ll take whatever part of me she can have. She’s never strayed, not that it would be very easy with her being pregnant, but I don’t think she has any desire to try. I haven’t intentionally done it, but I’ve managed to beat a little more of the life out of her. I’ve ignored texts, let phone calls go to voicemail, not seen her as often as I should, and gone out with other women (which I assume she doesn’t know about, although I’m not hiding it).

  I’ve gotten so good at not being who I should be that she has essentially stopped contacting me. Every once in a while she’ll send me a text, but not often. I still see her a couple times a week because I call her when I’m leaving the bar next to her apartment. She always lets me in and we always have sex. I always pass out, and then leave before she goes to work or school. Still, she never complains, never asks for more. I see the brokenness in her eyes each time I walk out the door, but I know she will keep enduring, hopeful something will change because she loves me and she wants more for Cole.

  When I think about Cole, it always stops me dead in my tracks. Oddly enough, I’m usually never with her when I think about him. That little bump in her tummy should be a reminder, but it’s usually not because I’m three sheets to the wind when I see it, and thinking with my dick instead of my brain. He comes to my mind and I promise myself that I’m just getting this playing out of my system before he gets here, so I can be a good Daddy to him and take care of his Mama. I justify my behavior to my friends and myself that way. I still haven’t told Big Dee that Cole’s even coming, and the funny thing is, she’ll be elated. I don’t know why I haven’t told her. Annie’s parents didn’t take the news all that well, especially since I couldn’t be bothered to go with her when she told them, but her Dad would have had me up by my balls ensuring there would be no more kids in my future. It was a chicken shit thing to do, but she didn’t insist I go, or even put up a fight, so I let her do it on her own. I thought she would call me after to let me know how it went, but my phone never rang. The next day, when I asked her about it, she just said, “Not well.”

  I haven’t seen her in a couple of days. She hasn’t tried to contact me. Luckily, I can keep up with her through her friends. Lynn talks to her regularly and somehow she has become friends with Topher’s little sister, Scarlett. I’m not sure how that happened or how they even met, but it gives me a lifeline to her and Cole. Of course, I could have that on my own if I would get my head out of my ass. Those two women are like little songbirds singing about everything they do with Annie, making me feel like I’m still very involved in her life. It’s a false sense of intimacy with her, but I cling to it all the same. In some warped way, I still claim Annie as my own. There’s a connection that will always bind us, something bigger than Cole, it existed before he did. I know Annie feels it too, that’s what keeps her grounded to me, attached, bound.

  My cell phone pings me out of my thoughts. It’s a little chippy I met at the bar a few nights ago, Erin. She’s young, pretty cute, but not the brightest bulb on the planet. We hooked up the night I met her, the sex was okay, but she wasn’t Annie. I just let myself enjoy it, not putting too much thought into it and certainly not considering it a long-term type of thing. I must have given her my number, because she keeps texting me; I was a little intoxicated that night. She wants to go out tonight, so I oblige. What the hell, I don’t have anything better to do, so dinner, then clubbing it is. I don’t do much to impress the girl, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt, before meeting her at a DeShield’s on Woodruff Road. She throws her arms around me as soon as she sees me, giving me a warm hug. We sit down at a table just before shit spins out of control.

  I’m facing the hostess stand listening to Erin jabber on about her friends, when I glance up, seeing Annie and Scarlett walking towards us. Annie is just as shocked as I am, but Scarlett looks pissed the fuck off. Scarlett is in front of Annie following the hostess to a seat, but stops at the edge of our table.

  “Hey, Gray, fancy seeing you here. Who’s your little friend?” Normally Scarlett is as even keeled as Topher, never angry, never raising her voice. She’s a live and let live kind of girl, but tonight she is seeing red, finding me at this table with another girl and acting like a caddy bitch. At first, I don’t answer her. My eyes shift to Annie, who looks beautiful. She has on a simple pair of low cut jeans to accommodate her growing tummy and a fitted tank top. She gives me a hesitant smile glancing at Erin, saying nothing. I look back at Scarlett to answer her question. “Hey, guys, this is Erin.” Erin smiles at both of them, not having a clue who either of them are, before saying hello.

  I force my attention back to Annie “Hey, Annie. How’s Cole?”

  “Good, I guess.” She has no clue what to say to me or who Erin is. I feel like a complete jackass sitting here on a date with my ex-girlfriend who’s pregnant with my son standing next to the table. Annie being the classy kind of girl she’s always been just says, “You guys have a good night.” She pushes Scarlett to move along toward their table.

&nbs
p; I watch her walk away. Erin snaps my attention back to her. “Who are they?” she asks me.

  “Scarlett is Topher’s little sister. Annie is my ex-girlfriend.” I offer as little information as possible, but she’s not done asking what she perceives as innocent questions.

  “Is Annie pregnant? She’s tiny, but has a little bump on her stomach.”

  Geezus, I am not prepared to answer questions about Annie. “Yeah, she is.”

  “I bet that hurts. Did she cheat on you? Is that why you guys broke up?” she asks innocently.

  “Hell no! Annie would never cheat on me. It’s my baby.” I hold her eyes, watching for a reaction, not surprised that I don’t see one.

  “Oh, wow. I had no idea. I bet you’re excited.” She’s being genuine, truly thinking this is a good thing. “But if you guys are having a baby, why did you break up?” Confusion is written all over her face.

  What the hell? I might as well be honest with her; my situation isn’t going to change either way. “I had moved out right before Annie found out she was pregnant. We had been together for over two years after I left my wife. I needed some space, so I moved in with Topher. I don’t think Annie ever had any intention of telling me she was pregnant. I found out accidentally. She’s not the type to try to trap a man. When I found out, we both took some time to think about it and decided to keep him. We still talk and I still see her some, but we are both living our own lives.”

  “It’s a boy?”

  “Yeah, his name’s Cole.” I feel like I’m violating a confidence with Annie, sharing this information with her. Yes, it’s my baby too, but other than Topher, Annie is the only person I have talked to about him. Sharing his name with Erin seems too intimate.

  She glances over at the table that Scarlett and Annie occupy, saying, “Gray, she looks really sad. Should you go talk to her?”

  Casting a glance over my shoulder, I see tears streaming silently down Annie’s face. Scarlett is saying something to her, but I can’t hear their conversation. Annie never cries, especially not in public. She considers it a sign of weakness. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or the pain she’s feeling from seeing me with another woman while she’s carrying my baby, but I’d bet my life, it’s the latter of the two.

  “Nah. I need to leave her alone. I’ll talk to her later.” Just like that, I brushed aside the woman that I adore, that I’ve loved since the moment I laid eyes on her at the DC, and the baby she’s carrying, my son. In that moment, I’m no better than my father.

  Chapter Twenty-Six – Annie

  Seeing Gray with another woman or girl rather, she couldn’t have been more than eighteen or nineteen, shatters what little hope I was holding on to. Scarlett and I didn’t stay long after running into Gray and Erin. I couldn’t handle it. I sat at the table letting the tears stain my face before she finally asked the waiter for our check, food uneaten we left. I keep reminding myself that we aren’t together; although, we never officially broke up. He can do whatever he wants to do. Yet I made myself believe that only meant hanging out with his friends, not dating other people. Sitting on my couch alone in my apartment, I rest my hand on my little bump, talking to Cole as though he can hear me. I reassure him that I love him, and that he was conceived in love. But it’s me I’m trying to persuade to believe the words.

  Over the next few days, I don’t do much. I’ve called all of my teachers and told them I’m pregnant, having typical morning sickness issues, etc. Fortunately, most of them have had me in their classes before, knowing that I don’t arbitrarily skip classes, always turning in my best work. So they are being lenient, letting me finish what’s left of the semester from home. I’m doing what I have to do to stay caught up with school, but other than that, I haven’t left my couch or my bed.

  I haven’t showered in three days. I’m barely eating, and avoiding all human interaction. I’m not answering my phone because I don’t have anything to say to anyone. Text messages and voicemails are being ignored and I have no idea who has been at my door several times a day, but I haven’t bothered to answer those intrusions either. To say I’m inconsolable is an understatement. Gray has been my entire world for over two years. He’s everything to me, losing him is like losing my soul. I’m utterly broken. With no desire to try to pull myself together, I’m falling further into a black abyss.

  I must have fallen asleep on the couch again. I assume it’s late since it’s dark outside, but I have no concept of time. Honestly, I don’t know what day it is since I haven’t left my apartment in over a week. The knocking on the door doesn’t cease. When I glance at the clock seeing it’s almost two in the morning, I worry that if this incessant knocking doesn’t end my neighbors might call the cops. Dragging myself off the couch to look through the peephole, I see Jenny’s little hippy ass, so I open the door.

  “What the hell, Annie? Where the fuck have you been? I’ve called, come by, emailed, no answer. People worry about your ass, you know!” Jenny is sober, worried, and now that she’s determined I’m breathing, she’s just plain pissed off.

  I silently usher her in with a wave, closing the door behind her while she plops her butt down on the couch. “I just haven’t felt like being around anyone, Jenny.”

  “You look like shit, Anns. Have you lost weight? You have black circles around your eyes, too.”

  “Thanks for the run down. Nothing like a good friend telling you how awful you look to lift your spirits.” I’m being sarcastic, she hears it in my voice, but won’t let me play it off.

  “Annie, Lynn talked to Scarlett. We all know about Gray and his little girlfriend. Lynn reamed his ass. She says Topher told her that Scarlett let him have it, multiple times. All of your friends are fighting for you behind the scenes. Why won’t you let any of us help you through this?” Her wrath has turned to sympathy. I hate it, which is why I have shut myself up in my apartment since the night I saw them together.

  “Jenny, I know you guys mean well, but if Gray doesn’t want to be with me, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit. Everyone knows Gray owns you. You love him more than life itself. It’s no secret, not even to Gray. Why are you letting him do this to you? You are so much stronger than this. You didn’t fall this hard when you and Will broke up, and you fell pretty damn hard then. You’ve got to get out of this damn apartment and start living your life. Fuck Gray.” Ahh, the love of good friends; they always have the words to defend you, knocking down whatever asshole has hurt your heart.

  “I just don’t have it in me right now. I’m sure it will get better with time, but I can’t risk running into him again. It’s too painful. He acted like he didn’t know me, Jenny. He just sat there. He didn’t get up to hug me, didn’t regret being there with someone else, nothing. He asked about Cole like he’s ten, not HIS unborn child.” I can’t stop the waterworks, again. “Damn it, I fucking hate crying. I hate people seeing me like this. THIS is why I haven’t left my apartment. The hormones are running a crash course on my emotions.”

  “Well, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m coming over tomorrow to pick you up at ten. We are getting you out of this fucking apartment. I don’t care what we do, but you will see sunlight. Where’s Gray’s key?”

  “What?”

  “Gray. He had a key. Where is it?”

  “In the drawer in the kitchen, why?” She walks toward the kitchen rummaging through the mess before locating the key. When she holds it up, I nod confirming she has the correct one.

  “I’m taking it. You aren’t locking us out anymore, Annie. We’re your friends, and we are going to get you through this. Be ready tomorrow morning. If you aren’t, I will use my new key to let myself in. I’d hate to bind and gag a pregnant woman, but I’m not above it. Please don’t make me do anything that might hurt Cole.” She gives me a big smile. “See you tomorrow, girl.” Then she’s gone, but I hear her lock the door in the breezeway.

  At nine o’clock my alarm goes off. I fo
rce myself to get up from the comfort of my bed to take a much-needed shower. It’s been like four days since I have bathed. I’m starting to smell myself, and my hair is one giant ball of grease piled on top of my head, eew. As I walk in to the bathroom to turn on the shower, I strip off my clothes. I probably should just burn them instead of trying to wash the stench out of them. Opening the shower door, I step into the hot water, letting it soak my hair, and drench my skin. It feels amazing, like it’s soaking life back into my pores.

  Standing there in the stream, I feel more relaxed than I have in days. The scent of my shampoo awakens my senses, and the scrub of my loofah brightens my limbs. I condition my hair and shave my entire body before sitting down on the little seat in the shower. While my body feels better, my heart just throbs in agony. I miss Gray. I miss his touch, his warmth, his love, and his security. I miss everything about him. Somehow, I have to find a way to let him go, but I have no idea how to make that happen. I don’t cry this time. I just ache, everywhere inside and out. I don’t allow myself to linger; it’s not helping. Drying off quickly, I throw on some jeans, a concert tee, and my Docs before drying my mass of hair, and winding it up in a ponytail. With some lip-gloss, I’m ready to go just as Jenny opens the front door.

  “So, now that you have a key, you aren’t knocking anymore?” I laugh at her.

  “What was the point? You knew I was coming and you knew I had a key. Win win. You didn’t even have to answer the door. You ready?”