“Oh, yeah, right there. Don’t stop, Gray. I’m gonna come, baby.” The moans get louder. Incoherent words leave my lips. My hips bucking wildly at his touch, I fly off the cliff. He pulls away from me, leaving my body jerking through the crash that comes after an intense orgasm. I roll on to my side, facing him. He rubs his thumb down my cheek.
“What’d you think, Bird Dog?” he asks me. I repeat what I said to him the first time we had sex, not sure if he will pick up on it or not.
“I love you.”
He lets out a rolling laugh. I instantly realize he knows what I’m doing. “I love you too, baby, but that’s not what I was asking.”
“I know what you were asking, and if I didn’t love you before that experience, I definitely do now.” Winking at him, I kiss him tenderly on the mouth. Closing my eyes, he pulls me to him. I fall asleep instantly on his shoulder.
When I wake in the morning, the warmth I felt the night before is gone, so is Gray. I have no idea what I was thinking, why I allowed last night to happen. Same song and dance every time. He tangles me in his web. I allow him to do it. We have sex, and he disappears before dawn. I know I won’t hear from him for a couple of days, that’s his way of ensuring I know we aren’t back together, not that I’m stupid enough to think just because we had mind-blowing sex would mean we were. Mentally kicking myself, I roll out of bed. I need a shower. I reek of sex and smoke. A hot shower does the trick. I feel better getting dressed, almost human again. I hear my phone ringing, but can’t find the damn thing. I realize it’s in the pocket of my jeans I was wearing last night. Grabbing it I see Scarlett’s name on the screen.
Answering it, “Hey, chick. What’s up?”
“Hey, Annie, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t mental after leaving with Gray last night.”
“Nah, I know what to expect at this point. Since I expect nothing, I’m never disappointed,” I laugh hearing the strain of hiding pain in my own voice.
“I wanted to ask you about something.”
“Okay, go for it.”
“You mentioned your lease is up this month. Have you thought anymore about whether you’re going to renew?” She must have something else coming after this since my lease is not a riveting topic of conversation.
“I don’t guess I have much of choice. Why do you ask?”
“Why don’t you move in with me? I could use a roomie. I hate you being alone and we could both save money this way. It would be fun. What do you think?”
“Really?! I think that would be awesome, Scarlett! If you’re serious, I would love to!”
“Absolutely, I’m serious. I figured we could start moving your stuff this weekend. You can start paying rent on the first so you aren’t paying double and it gives you time to move your things as you have time.” Excitement radiates through her voice.
Chapter Twenty-Nine – Annie
Moving in with Scarlett is a breath of fresh air. I didn’t realize how lonely I was without Gray around, nor how much easier it is to start to move on when your mind is occupied by other things. With Gray gone, I have picked up my workload at Waltons again, taking on more than I should, but it gives me a sense of purpose. I’m really good at what I do, not to mention I can make serious cash on larger projects, which Jack loves to send me in to score for the company. I’m finding myself not just landing the jobs, but being actively involved in the work itself. I’m still sending in an implementation team, but I’m not just a face that shows up. I’m working side-by-side with my teams from a management perspective, but still involved in the day-to-day grind.
This is also my final semester in school. It’s hard to believe that I’ll graduate in a few short months, assuming my senior seminar doesn’t kill me in the process. I have no idea what I’m going to do with a degree in business since I have zero desire to go on to graduate school, but as my parents have pointed out a minimum of a hundred times, it doesn’t matter what your degree is in, it’s just that you have one.
Scarlett and I hang out on a nightly basis throughout the week, and typically all weekend as well. Since she’s working two jobs, her schedule is as hectic as mine. Next to having company that doesn’t require me to look my best or try to impress, the best thing about living with Scarlett is her cooking. She’s an amazing cook, typically good old southern cooking, which has caused me to put on a few pounds. I’m absolutely in love with her green bean casserole. Doesn’t sound like a fancy dish, but trust me, the love that Scarlett puts into those beans makes it out of this world. Every time we get high, I end up asking her to make it in the middle of the night, and then we sit there eating most of the dish before crashing. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up gaining a ton of weight.
When I moved in, Scarlett and I spent a lot of time discussing my relationship with Gray. I needed to get it out. I needed someone to understand the depths of my pain. She tolerated my venting, but told me without actually speaking the words, that she really didn’t want Gray at our house. She didn’t elaborate on the things Topher had told her about his lifestyle these days, but she revealed enough for me to know she thought I was putting my health at risk by continuing to sleep with him. I took her advice to heart out of respect. After all, this is her place. I’m just renting space, and I know she’s warning me for my own good.
I haven’t seen Gray or talked to him in several weeks. There have been no text messages, no phone calls, no coincidental encounters around town, nothing. My only connection to him anymore is Topher, who’s at our house more than I think he’s at his own. He and Scarlett are really close. There is only a couple of years difference in their ages. The more time I spend with Topher the more I realize what a great guy he is, not that I didn’t know it before, but Gray kept me at arm’s length from Topher. He wanted me to like him, to be close enough to him that Topher liked me for Gray, but never close enough to have an intimate conversation with him or confide in him.
The few times that I went to Gray’s house after he moved back in with Topher, he wouldn’t leave me alone with Topher for more than about thirty seconds. If I spent the night, which didn’t happen often, he insisted I leave in the morning when he went to work so we weren’t alone in the house together. I never comprehended what he thought was going to happen. I mean, Topher is his best friend, yet as the weeks wear on with no sign of Gray, and I spend more time getting to know Topher, I can see why Gray might have been concerned.
Topher is very different from Gray, which is probably why they are such good friends. I didn’t know that Topher’s fiancé, Heather, was pregnant when he moved her in a couple of years ago. I’ve recently found out that they were on the verge of breaking up when Heather made the announcement to Topher. Topher believed it was his responsibility to work things out with her, taking care of her and the baby. After several months, when Heather wasn’t getting any bigger, and there were no doctor’s appointments, Topher insisted she take a pregnancy test with him watching. Not only was she not pregnant, she had a pregnant friend take a pregnancy test for her to show to Topher months earlier. I figured this kind of betrayal would make him detest women, but it did the exact opposite. He confessed that was his problem with my relationship with Gray. He saw how much I loved him, unconditionally, but when Gray started hesitating, Topher told him to leave me. I was stunned, but Topher continued with his explanation, saying that I deserved better than someone who only loved me halfway. He told Gray that he needed to let me go to find someone who would love me wholly, the way I loved him. For a split second, I wanted to pop Topher in the mouth, but then my heart softened.
Topher and I are sitting on the couch in the living room, while I’m completely blitzed and he is piss drunk, having this conversation. He looks toward me causing an instinctive reaction to look back at him.
“Annie, I know you’re hurting. I know you miss him, but you deserve more. You deserve the love you give. He’s not good enough for you.” He starts to lean in to me, hesitates, and then leans in all the way, touching my
lips with his. It’s a soft kiss. His lips are bigger than Gray’s. There’s no electric shock, but it’s nice. He sits back a little, leaving a few inches of space between our faces. Moving a strand of hair out of my face, he confesses, “I see why he loves you. You’re beautiful. You’re sweet…loyal. Gah, Annie, why Gray? Of all people, why do you want to be with Gray? I don’t get it. You could have anyone you want. You run in a different circle than we do. You’re smart. You’ve got goals and a great job. Why do you want him?” He’s incredulous. He’ll never understand the relationship; but hell, I doubt that I will either.
Shrugging my shoulders, I say, “I don’t know, Topher. I think he’s my soul mate, but our timing is just off. Our timing may never be right. I truly believe you can love someone and that not be enough, that soul mates end up living separate lives simply because their timing is always going against nature. That may be us. I’m doing okay though. I’m moving on.”
“Are you really? When was the last time you went on a date? Don’t lie to me. Remember you live with my sister.”
“Well, I guess I haven’t been on a date since before I met Gray, but I’m doing things again. Work is going well and school is almost over.”
“Stop with the checklist. You spend all of your free time with my sister, who is great, but she’s not going to keep you warm at night, and if she is, then you have bigger issues than Gray. The two of you are walking posters for the ‘Just Say No’ campaign. I mean really, is there a night you two don’t get high?”
I laugh because I know he’s right, but I’m picturing myself and Scarlett being motivational speakers against drugs. The posters with our eyes blood shot, joints hanging out of our mouths. It’s really not funny, but since I’m high now, I can’t stop giggling. “Look, Topher, Scarlett and I are just having fun. I don’t want a relationship right now. I just need to finish school and worry about the rest later.”
“Don’t you miss talking to someone of the opposite sex? Miss being touched?” His face is serious. I don’t really know how to respond to him so I try the truth.
“Of course I do, but, Topher, I don’t get into relationships easily and I don’t sleep with people I don’t know. Gray was only the second person I have ever been with.”
“You know he’s seeing a lot of other people, don’t you?” His honesty hurts because it’s just that, the truth.
“I know. I know about Big Erin, Little Erin, Melissa, Abby, and Cam. If there’s more, I don’t need to know. Those five cut deep enough.” This conversation is really bringing me down, but I don’t know how to divert it.
He puts his forehead against mine, kissing my nose. It reminds me of Gray, but a gentler version of him. I make the decision in that moment. I’m going to let Topher lead this wherever it goes tonight. I’m not in a relationship. I haven’t talked to Gray in forever. I DO want to be touched, to be reminded that I’m alive, even if it’s just for a night. It’s as if Topher reads my thoughts. Taking the back of my head in his hand, his lips meet mine again, but this time it’s a deeper, more personal kiss. It’s a little sloppy, but he’s drunk and I’m high. We’re making out like teenagers, hot and heavy, when Scarlett throws the front door open.
“What the fuck are you two doing? Are you seriously making out with my brother, Annie? Gross. I put a disclaimer out on Gray. I didn’t know I had to issue one for Topher, too.”
Initially, I think she’s mad, but I see the humor in her eyes. Topher hasn’t dated since Heather and he split and she thinks I need to do whatever it takes to move past Gray. I can honestly say that fucking his best friend would forever sever that tie. Scarlett plops her ass down on the couch between us, more accurately, on top of both of us since we were sitting close enough together to be lip locked.
“Geez, Scarlett, let me move over or you can just sit in Topher’s lap and we can make this is a threesome.”
“Eeeww, Annie. I do not want to think about you with my brother in any intimate act, much less one that involves me.” She hits me with a pillow from the couch before Topher dumps her in the floor. Laughing, she picks up the bong off the coffee table and proceeds to get lit with me while Topher grabs another beer from the fridge.
Around midnight, Scarlett announces her departure to her bedroom in the most melodramatic way. I’m lying in the floor as she steps over me, looking back at Topher who is leaned up against a chair. “Don’t drive home, Topher. You can sleep on the couch” – looking at me she continues – “or wherever.” My mouth falls open in shock at her suggestion. Expecting to see the same shock on Topher’s face, I’m surprised to find a drunken grin. He has a goofy grin, not the confident one I’m used to seeing grace Gray’s lips. We both stay still watching her retreat to her room before Topher breaks the silence.
“Come sit with me.” He pats the ground next to him. As much as I would love to move, my body has shut down for the evening and is slowly melting in to our carpet.
Shaking my head, I tell him, “No can do, cowboy. If you want to be near me, you will have to find your way to my side of the floor. I can’t move.” I’m giggling like a damn child. I need to lay off the pot because I have no idea who I am right now. He does some James Bond type duck and roll thing landing next to me in a pike position. Moving his arm above his head, I lift mine up allowing him to position me on his shoulder before rolling on to my side to face him. We lie there talking about nothing for a long time. The conversation is fun, silly even, and it feels so good to be held, to laugh with someone. Casually, I move my leg over the top of his thigh landing my knee in between his, pulling closer to him. It’s not sexual, it’s just comforting to be this close to a man, to feel the warmth of his body around me as we laugh about stupid things.
I’m not sure which one of us made the first move. I don’t know how our clothes made their way into the pile next to us, but I’m lying naked next to Topher in the floor of his sister’s house. It doesn’t occur to me that this is wrong, that we shouldn’t be doing this. All I can think about is both of us are in vulnerable places. Both of us need a physical connection, even if it’s meaningless in the long run. The sloppy kisses turn into an even sloppier one-night stand. He reaches over to his jeans, pulling out a foil wrapper sliding the condom on his half-erect penis. Alcohol never affected Gray’s ability to have sex. If anything, it made things… better, but that’s obviously not the case for all men. I reach down trying to arouse him so this isn’t such a difficult task. After a few strokes, his manhood perks right up. Topher takes this as the green light to move ahead with full force.
I don’t stop him, I let it happen, but it is…not good. He pumps into me like a dog; short, rapid pulses that do nothing for me other than irritate me. There has been no foreplay so I’m dry, making this all the more uncomfortable. With his weight resting firmly on top of me, there is little I can do to move to help increase the pleasure for either of us. I realize he’s drunk, I’m high, but I just want this to be over. I have just proven to myself that I can’t have sex with someone if there is no emotional tie. He finishes a couple of minutes after I fake an orgasm, a first for me. It’s all I can do to allow him to continue his pilgrimage into my body that long. When he’s finished, I push him off, quickly getting up to run to the bathroom.
I feel unclean. I need to shower in the hottest water I can handle, scrubbing every inch of me. With the water pouring down on my skin, it’s turning bright red from the heat. I sink down to sit on the tub floor, crying over what I have just done. I feel like a whore. I can acknowledge that Gray has used me, but even when it was just sex, both of us still love each other. There’s nothing with Topher other than he is Scarlett’s brother and Gray’s best friend. I wouldn’t even call him my friend, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t just let him fuck me on the living room floor like a slut. When I’ve exhausted myself crying in the tub, I get out and go to bed. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge this in the morning, I’m going to have to talk to Topher. I don’t want anyone to know about this.
Morning comes with Scarlett beating on my door. “Get up, hooch. I’m making breakfast before Topher goes home. It’s almost ready.” Groaning, I roll out of bed, put a hoodie on, and then tie my hair up in a messy knot. When I get to the kitchen table, Topher is sitting there looking at me like he doesn’t know what to say, but Scarlett doesn’t appear to have the same anxiety. “You two were awfully loud last night. Is this going to be a continuous thing? If so, I’m going to go buy some ear plugs so I don’t have to listen to your balls smacking my friend’s ass and her moaning.”
My jaw drops. I’m mortified at her bluntness. My mouth goes into overdrive, not waiting for my brain to catch up. “Um…no. It was a one-time thing.” Topher looks up at me, like he’s surprised. Scarlett stops moving in the kitchen like I just kicked her. I look over at Topher, ignoring Scarlett’s death stare. “Topher, I’m sorry. Last night shouldn’t have happened.”
“I know.” That’s all he says. No further explanation, no apology, no excuses, just agreement.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Both of you.” I look at him as I say the words, then at Scarlett. They both agree that mums the word with a nod of the head. “Seriously, Gray can’t find out about this. Both of you talk to his friends all the time. You have to promise me you aren’t going to tell anyone, not a soul.” I sound pathetic begging like this, but I need them to know how serious I am.
“Annie, I’m not going to tell anyone. Do you think I want Gray to know I had sex with you? He’s my best friend. He’d never speak to me again.” Regret fills his words, which stings a little, but I know he’s right. This has to be our secret, one we each take to the grave.
Chapter Thirty – Gray
I spend a lot of time thinking during my workdays. My job is mundane and takes little mental capacity to complete. So I use that time more often than not, to think about Annie. Parts of me miss her, but most of me enjoys being able to do what or who I want without consequence. I’ve been laying low with her for several weeks. After the incident with Little Erin, I know Annie is still just as in love with me as she was a year ago. I know I’m an arrogant prick, but it’s true. The girl loves every ounce of my being. She’s not afraid to tell me so either, if I ask, but she doesn’t offer that information anymore. I half expected her to continue contacting me, but I’m not surprised that when she woke up the next morning to find me gone, I haven’t talked to her since.
Bound by Love Page 21
