by Clare Lydon
When we pulled back moments later, her eyes were on me. “God, I missed you. I missed this.”
“I missed returning the favour and fucking you on Saturday.” I pulled her closer, as near as she could get. There were already too many obstacles between us. Any that were in my power, I was going to obliterate.
“Not as much as I did.” Her grin lit up her eyes. I loved her smile. I always had.
She pushed back some of my fair hair from my face. “Are you growing your hair, by the way? It’s getting long. I like it.”
I shook my head. “I hate it. I’ve just had other things on my mind than going to the hairdressers. Moving my empire. Putting my heart on the line with a certain someone.”
She squeezed my waist and kissed my lips again.
My heart skipped a beat.
“I’ve told you, I’m not playing around, despite circumstance conspiring against me.” She pulled back, her gaze pinning me in place. “Did Ally tell you what happened with the other place? The one Dean’s working on?”
I gave her a vague nod. “I know it’s not good. I know you’ve been up against it.”
She exhaled. “We have. Plus, Amos isn’t good. At all. I don’t know how much longer he has.” She took a deep breath, before checking her watch.
“In fact, I can’t stay long. I told him I’d be home tonight to watch a show with him. An episode of ‘Murder She Wrote’. He’s been recording them all. He used to watch them with Mum, but now Harris and I are the stand-ins.” She pursed her lips. “So this is a flying visit. Just to let you know you’ve been on my mind, in between juggling family and building chaos.”
I shook my head. “I get it, and thank you for coming over. I was just sitting in my office fearing the worst.”
She shook her head. “If it seems like that, I’m sorry. Maybe by the weekend, we can have more time.” She glanced around. “Much as it was spontaneous, the next time we have sex, I’d like it to be somewhere more comfortable than your work.”
I laughed. “Me, too. Although the new building is now forever stamped.”
Maddie grinned, holding up a palm. “I’m not complaining.”
“Good to hear.” I took a deep breath, then stilled as our eyes met. I stared into Maddie’s grey depths, the windows to her heart. They were wide open, ready for me to march in.
I ran my thumb over her knuckles.
She had to go, I could feel her pulling away.
She leaned over to the door. “Just checking the van hasn’t been towed again.” She gave me a wry smile. “I promise, once things settle down, you’ll be my number one priority.”
Warmth and relief gurgled in my stomach. Maddie was being forthright, honest.
“Can I ask one thing?”
“Anything.”
“Keep in touch, okay? I’m getting a new phone tomorrow, it should be the same number.”
She kissed my lips. “I promise.”
Chapter 28
Monday’s swift visit had done wonders for my mood. However, despite me getting a new phone, Maddie had gone silent again over the past few days. Just one text, saying she was snowed under again, and that was it. Our connection on Saturday was in the rear-view mirror; Maddie’s Monday night kisses seemed a long way off. Everything we’d said and done, with the promise of more.
Had it been too much, too soon? I didn’t think so. However, if she was that easily distracted, perhaps I was better off without her. Four days and one text? I didn’t need more of her mind-fuckery to mess with my life. She’d done that once, and I’d be damned if I was going to let her do it again.
Perhaps Mum and her warnings had been right all along. Why were mums always right? Perhaps without her own, Maddie was lost for guidance. But because of her silence, I had no idea what Maddie was feeling.
I crashed through the door of Rob’s bakery and slumped at the counter. When he saw me, he gave me a puzzled look and leaned on his elbows, bringing our faces close together before we spoke.
“Jus.”
“Hmmm?”
“Why are you still wearing your Cake Heaven apron? You never keep that on.” His coffee machine hissed as he heated some milk.
I looked down and saw he was right. I shrugged. “My mind is elsewhere.”
“You haven’t even been teaching today, have you? I thought I only saw Gemma through the window.”
He was right. Gemma was front of house today, but I’d put an apron on to keep my clothes clean while I cleared more of the back office in preparation for our move. I was pushing Maddie to the back of my mind by throwing myself into a task, and it had at least resulted in a decluttered office, which was a kind of win. However, it hadn’t erased my mind of Maddie. There was no eternal sunshine or spotless mind in this tale.
“Can I have a coffee or do I have to have an inquisition first?” I wasn’t in the mood.
Rob raised an eyebrow. “Inquisition? You wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes on the Spanish Armada, believe me.” He set the coffee he was making on the counter. “Sit down, I’ll bring it over. Even if this is your third cup of the day, which is how I know things are serious. I remember when your mum had that cancer scare. That was a five-cup day.” He paused, panic flitting across his face. “Your mum’s okay, isn’t she?”
I sighed. “She’s fine. This time it’s me.”
He looked even more alarmed.
“Nothing to do with cancer. To do with women.”
He exhaled a long breath. “Okay.”
Five minutes later, I was sat with a coffee and a slice of Millionaire Shortbread, Rob staring at me through narrowed eyes. “She’s definitely got your new number? You’re sure of that?”
I nodded. “It’s the same number, just a different phone. She texted on Wednesday to tell me she was snowed under. One text since Monday, though. It’s now Friday.” I exhaled, my shoulders slumping. “She told me this was important to her, that we were important. But she’s not acting like it is. She’s not doing anything that tells me what happened between us meant something.”
Rob paused. “What happened? You haven’t told me. Did you kiss?”
A burning rose in my cheeks as Rob’s gaze stayed on me.
“More than kiss?”
I gave him a slow nod, closing my eyes briefly as the memories assaulted my brain. I could still feel it everywhere.
“Okaaaaaaaaay.” Rob clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. I could tell he was thinking. Then he covered my hand with his. “Have you got your car today?”
I shook my head. “It’s getting serviced. I got the train.”
“Come home with me tonight. Is she still at the Royal Crescent flat she’s doing up?”
I frowned. “Last I heard Gemma say, she was there with Ally. I think.”
“That’s just around the corner from me. Get the flat number, and we’ll go and find her. What do you think? There might be nothing to worry about, but it’s best to see her face to face.”
A million thoughts whizzed through my mind, most of them downers. But Rob had a point. Perhaps going to Maddie was the easiest thing to do. She’d come to me on Monday. Now, on Friday, it was my turn to return the favour.
I sat up straight in my chair. “I can ask Gemma if she knows the number. What time do you leave?”
Rob’s car always smelled of bread, which I loved. Bread always calmed me down, eating it and smelling it.
“Did I tell you that Jeremy saw her the other day? Maddie, that is.”
“He did? Where?” He’d got my interest now. Jeremy had seen Maddie and Rob hadn’t told me? I was about to chew him out, but then I realised he didn’t know I’d slept with her. I’d been keeping that information close to my chest, on a need-to-know basis.
“In the Co-Op. She was buying bananas and Celebrations, apparently.”
“All the major food groups.” I stared ahead as Rob swung his red work van around Queen Square with its grass still not recovered from the hot summer, and up the hill to the Circus,
grand Georgian houses lining either side.
This had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. However, now faced with the prospect of seeing Maddie, I wasn’t sure what I should say. Perhaps I didn’t need to say anything. Perhaps we just needed to be breathing the same air. When I could see the whites of her eyes, I’d know what she was thinking. At least, I hoped I would.
We swept into the Royal Crescent, the van jolting along the cobbles. This was an address that never failed to impress. A semi-circle of 30 multi-storied terraced houses, its listed Georgian architecture was one of the most visited attractions in the area. It sat atop the city, already stuffed full of Georgian grandeur. However, this was still Bath’s premier address.
Most of the terraces had been sliced up into flats, but a couple still remained as huge houses. All of the doors were painted black with chrome fixtures and fittings. Black railings paraded the entire length of the houses, and the low light of the evening stretched out and reclined on the lawns opposite. I’d always loved this crescent as a student, but knowing Maddie was here now, my feelings were tangled.
I pushed my knotted insides down as I told Rob where to park. I took a deep breath as he drew up outside the flat Maddie was doing up. The lights were off, which wasn’t a good sign, but I still had to try. I turned to Rob, hoping I was giving him a face that said ‘this doesn’t matter much’, even though I could feel my body rooting to the spot, my legs filling with lead.
“I’ll wait for you.”
I shook my head. “You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
My hand shook as I slammed his door, then pushed open Maddie’s gate. I gathered myself, took a deep breath and raised my hand, my knuckles sounding like cannonballs being fired as they rattled the solid wood.
Nothing. My heart galloped in my chest. I clenched my right hand into a fist as I knocked again. The third knock didn’t connect as the door was wrenched open. Ally stood on the other side.
“Justine!” Something passed over her face, but I couldn’t tell exactly what. I didn’t know her well enough yet. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to find Maddie.”
She sucked on her top lip. “She’s not here. I only just got here myself an hour ago.”
I stared at her. If Maddie hadn’t been busy here, then where the hell was she? My stomach fizzed with anguish, and a familiar feeling of despair flushed through me. “You’ve no idea where she is?”
Ally hesitated, before nodding. “Amos isn’t doing so well, so she called this morning to let me know she wouldn’t be here. I think she planned to let you know, too, but maybe the day ran away from her. It sounded like she wanted some alone time, so I left her to it.”
My despair morphed into worry.
I gave Ally a sharp nod, then swivelled and ran back to the car. “Thanks, Ally!” I shouted over my shoulder, as I skidded in front of Rob’s van, then opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.
“I know we only just came from there, but Maddie’s at home in Bristol. You think you could drive me back if I smile at you sweetly?” I gave him my best smile, the one that always worked with Gemma. I wasn’t sure Rob was such a pushover normally, but today, he was on my side.
“Just for you.” He gave me his mobile. “But can you message Jeremy and tell him you’re making me drive back to Bristol, so I’ll be late home?”
All the same memories of the past washed over me as I arrived at Maddie’s place. I tried not to glance up at her bedroom window and remember everything. I failed.
“You don’t have to wait this time.” I leaned over and kissed Rob’s cheek. “Thank you for doing this, though.”
He nodded. “No problem. You’re going to be okay?”
I unclicked my seatbelt. “I guess I’m about to find out.”
My second knock on a door I expected to find Maddie behind was far less fraught, because I had an inkling of what to expect. However, the fear etched into Maddie’s face when she opened the door was far more than I anticipated. Plus, she didn’t open the door wide. Before I even got any words out, she was shaking her head.
“Hi.” Her voice was a whisper, sadness echoing through it. Even her normally styled eyebrows were in disarray. Tiredness seeped from her body. She looked exhausted.
“Hi. I went around to the flat in Bath and Ally told me you were here. Don’t be mad at her, I was just worried about you.”
Maddie nodded, but wouldn’t make full eye contact with me. “I’m sorry about all this. About being off-grid. Stuff has snowballed this week, and I know my timing’s not great. It wasn’t what I expected to happen.”
I reached out and covered her fingers with mine. When our skin connected, I jolted, but Maddie stepped back. I couldn’t read her today, not like Saturday or Monday. Now, her eyes were clouded over, her stare vacant. “How’s Amos? Can I help? I’d like to.”
She gripped the door, shaking her head. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but no. He’s not good and I have to focus on him at the moment. I can’t think about anything else, I hope you understand.”
I gave her a slow nod. “Of course. But I can help. You don’t have to do this alone.”
She swallowed, then took a deep breath. “The doctors have said he hasn’t got long, so I need to give him all my attention, to be fully present. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what I need to do. If you’re here, I’ll feel guilty about not being with you.” She looked up, her eyes sparkling with emotion. She was holding so much in. About us. About Amos. About her mum.
“I won’t be in your way, I promise. Let me help you, Maddie.” I wanted her to know she had back-up.
But Maddie was still shaking her head. She always was stubborn. I should know this by now.
“I’m sorry, Jus. I can’t do us as well. Amos is in his final days, and I’m spending them by his side. Right where I should have been for Mum.” She gave me a crumpled smile, took a step back and pushed the door a little more closed. “I’ll call you, I promise, but for now, I need to be with Amos.”
She wasn’t going to let me help, was she? In desperation, I put a foot in the door as she tried to close it. She looked at me again, her face flushed.
“If you’re not going to let me help, can I at least just give you a hug before I go? Just so you know you’re not in this alone?”
Maddie took in a deep breath, considered this for a moment, before giving me the faintest nod, and opening the door.
I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her, rubbing my hand up and down her back. I wanted her to know I cared about her, about us. That what we’d started wasn’t just about us two, it was about her whole life. If that involved her family, it involved me, too.
Maddie was stiff at first, resisting my help. Still running, even when she was in my arms. However, after a few strokes of her back, I put my lips to her cheek and kissed her. When I did that, her whole body softened, and she melted into me, her hands wrapping around my waist.
“I’ve got you.” I squeezed her tight to demonstrate.
When she pulled back moments later, she was wiping tears from her cheeks, shaking her head. My own emotions were a bubbling cauldron inside me, but still no tears had spilled out. When it came to tears, I was barren.
Maddie took a deep breath, refocusing on me.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I can make you tea?”
She smiled, then shook her head. “I need to do this alone. Just me and Amos.”
I backed away. At least she knew I was here. And at least now, I got why she’d gone radio silence. After her mum, this was a huge deal. “Just promise you’ll call me if you need anything. Anything at all, okay?”
“I will. I promise.”
The door clicked shut in my face and I was left standing on the pavement in her Bristol street, alone, the early autumn air tickling my face.
Chapter 29
I’d had one text from Maddie since I went to her house on Friday, thanking
me for coming to check on her. I was giving her space to be with Amos; I knew it was important. However, showing up on Saturday to the new Cake Heaven was still a jolt to my system.
Here was the next stage in our growth, where it should all fall into place. This was the place Maddie had found for us, the place Kerry had helped us buy, the spot where we could make all our dreams come true.
What a difference a week made. This time last week, Maddie had fucked me here. Now, she was unnecessarily facing a crisis on her own. All I could do was let it play out and be there to pick up the pieces when she needed me. Gemma had told me to hang in there. I was doing my best. But with Maddie on hold, it was time to get cracking with the rest of my life.
My new phone beeped in my pocket. It sounded like a frog croaking. I needed to change that, but hadn’t got around to it yet. I pulled it out of my pocket to see a text from Mum asking if I wanted to come for dinner tonight. I said no. I couldn’t face her today.
“Justine!” Dean’s sing-song voice broke through my mental veneer. “What did you want on these walls?” He slammed the wall to his left.
“You’ve got the plans.” I walked over to him. “We’re getting rid of this and making this the main wall.” I pointed down the side. “And shelves with a peg board all along here, okay?”
Dean nodded. “I had it upside down.” He waved the plans at me and gave me a grin. “Is that Octavia coming later?”
“Think so.”
He stared at me. “Cool. I liked her, she was a bit of alright.”
I gave him a look. “A bit of alright? Have you time-travelled back to the 1970s?” Dean had met Octavia at Maddie’s other project, and had expressed his delight to me already over the phone.
That’s when my brother blushed. Actually blushed. I took a step back. “Do you like Octavia?”
His cheeks were now the colour of aubergines. “I think she’s cool. She’s not the sort of chick I’d normally go for, but she was interesting. We had a right old chat about lighting in buildings, which, as you know, I’m a big fan of.”
