by Clare Lydon
Well, well. Dean and Octavia was a pairing I wouldn’t have put together in a hurry. “And are you going to pursue it?”
He shrugged, tucking his chin into his shoulder. “Might do. We’ll see. I don’t want to fuck up this bit of the build. Maybe wait a bit, see how things go.”
I was impressed. My brother didn’t want to put us in jeopardy just so he could score with Octavia. Perhaps I sold him a bit short at times.
“I like her plans, anyway. She’s hot and clever. Just the way I like my women.” He gave me a wink, then strolled through to the back, studying the plans as he went.
I glanced up as I heard footsteps approaching: Ally had come in, and was smiling at me. “Just thought I’d come to say good luck in your new venture.” She gave me a hug, and I thought again how weird this was. Maddie had found us this place, yet she wasn’t here.
“Thank you. We’re excited to get started.” But my tone didn’t sound that excited. “Have you heard from Maddie at all? I’m worried about her.”
Ally nodded. “No change as far as I know. Amos is hanging in there. She’s dealing with it in her own way, which is to shut herself off from everyone else. It’s not healthy, but that’s how she does things.” She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see you, though. She’s going through so many emotions.”
I shook my head. I knew how hard it must be for Maddie. “I just want to help. I would have happily made dinner or just been there for her. But she wouldn’t let me in when I went around.”
Ally sighed. “She did that to me, too. It all goes back to her mum dying. She still blames herself for not being there, and now, she doesn’t want to miss a beat with her uncle. She doesn’t quite realise she can lean on her friends, too.”
I folded my arms. “Perhaps we need to stage an intervention. Show her helping means she can focus on her uncle, while we focus on her.”
Ally put a hand to her chin. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. How about we go over there tomorrow? I agree with you, she can’t do it all on her own.”
“Great idea.” Relief spread through me. If we went together, Maddie was far less likely to turn us away. I gave her a hug. I had a lot of time for Ally. When I pulled back, I flicked my head towards the back kitchen. “The main reason you came is in the back kitchen discussing plans with Dean if you want to see her.”
Ally gave me a grin and walked that way.
Chapter 30
The following lunchtime, I had a warm feeling in my chest. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt hopeful, which was more than had happened in previous days. Ally was coming to pick me up in the afternoon and we were driving over to see Maddie. Action was always better than inaction, and this felt like we’d be doing something.
Maddie needed to see she had friends who cared about her. Ex-lovers who cared about her. A possible current lover who’d put herself out there, and now was just looking for a little something in return. Hell, I didn’t want to have sex with her and a massive heart-to-heart. All I wanted was to offer her some support. Make her tea and a sandwich. Give her a hug. The simple stuff that made a difference.
I walked into my kitchen, with its warm orange tiles and breakfast bar, and made myself a coffee. I looked out at my small back garden. It had crossed my mind that I might have to think about moving to Bristol if the business really took off and demanded more of my time and attention. Seeing as I was only renting this place, I could leave — but it would be a wrench. I’d lived here for the past eight years, and it was the first home I’d made on my own. My first post-Maddie house. The one where I’d learned to be me again. Now I was standing in my kitchen, my life on hold because of her once more.
What was she thinking this morning? How was her uncle doing? My heart swelled as I thought about her. Was she freaking out? Having second thoughts about us? I had no idea.
My phone beeping interrupted my thoughts. I picked it up. Maddie. Was everything okay? My stomach rolled as I clicked for more.
‘I’m so sorry Justine. About it all. Mx’.
I blinked, as my mind went into meltdown. What did that mean? What the hell was she sorry about? I paced the kitchen, my blood pumping faster, my face set to grimace. My relaxed Sunday had just been tipped out the window. Fucking hell, Maddie was maddening.
She was sorry about it all. Sorry we’d slept together? Sorry we’d met again? It didn’t make any sense at all. I wasn’t that bad at reading people, was I? However, it wasn’t just me. Everyone agreed that Maddie was a good person doing good things these days. Everyone but my mum.
Before I could jump off the roof of my life, my phone began to ring. Maybe it was Maddie explaining herself. I checked the screen. Nope. It was Gemma.
“Hey you.” I tried to sound jaunty, even though I was anything but. If my emotions were a boxer, they were on the ropes, clinging on for dear life. Why was Maddie sorry?
“Hey yourself,” she replied.
Gemma’s sharp intake of breath told me this wasn’t a breezy social call.
“What’s wrong?” Wasn’t it weird how you could sense a tone from someone’s breath?
“It’s Maddie. Her uncle died yesterday, and she just texted Ally to say she’s leaving.”
If my heart could have vaulted out of my body and raced out the front door, it would have. “Leaving? Where the fuck’s she going?”
At least now her text message made a little more sense. Not the sense I wanted, but still.
“We don’t know. We’re on our way over to the house, but she messaged Ally this morning. She spoke to her briefly, and she was frantic, saying she had to get out of her house, that it was cursed, that she’d seen far too much death in it.”
That was something I could totally understand. “But if he’s only just died, where’s she going? There’s so much to sort out. The funeral. The house. Her uncle’s stuff. Plus, she’s got work commitments. She can’t just up and leave.” I wanted to say she had emotional commitments, too. But did she? Maybe not.
“I know. She can’t go for good now, but she was talking about it, saying this place has too many bad memories and she didn’t know why she’d come back.”
“Fuck.” Sometimes, you didn’t need many words to sum up how things were going.
“She’s not thinking straight right now, that much is clear. Ally wanted to let you know, but she was also wondering if you might know where she’s gone? She said she had to get away for a couple of days, but is there anywhere she might be? A favourite place you might know about that we don’t? Friends? Family? Somewhere she might go to think?”
I was already running into my bedroom to get dressed, my brain whirring with possibility. Where could she be? At her brother’s house? Too obvious. At The Spanish Station? Maybe for a drink. Even back in London? Perhaps.
“I’ll make a few calls and check out the bar we love first. She told me she went to The Spanish Station after her mum died.”
“Great. We’re heading to her house because she said she left a key with a neighbour. We’re going in to see how things are, clean up if it needs it. Just to make things a little better for when she gets back.”
“Thanks Gem, that’s really sweet.”
“It’s for you, too.”
My heart lurched one more time as, snagging the phone between my cheek and shoulder, I grabbed my jeans from the bedroom floor. “I know. Call me if you find her, okay?”
I drove to The Spanish Station, killed the engine and sprinted across the car park. The day was drizzly, and I’d grabbed my light rain jacket for the first time in what seemed like ages. I’d also had to turn my windscreen wipers on, which seemed like a novelty. There had just been a light rain shower and the air was thick with the smell of wet tarmac. It was probably too early for Maddie to be here, but it was worth a shot.
I skidded around the corner to the front of the bar, the beer barrels and their stools wet from the rain. I peered inside. Maddie wasn’t there.
My heart
dropped like an anchor, clanking in the pit of my stomach. I’d been almost sure this was where I would find her, that she’d be waiting for me to walk around the corner and take her in my arms. But she wasn’t.
Perhaps I didn’t know her like I thought. Perhaps she didn’t want to be saved.
It started to rain again, indicative of my mood. I flipped up my grey hood and trudged back to my car, the spring gone from my step, disappointment weighing down my limbs. I began a text to Maddie, the latest of five I’d sent in the past hour, telling her I was at our bar and she wasn’t here. But then I deleted it. If she wasn’t here, I didn’t want her to think I was such a sap. Shit, getting tangled up again with anyone was hard. Getting tangled up with my first love was crippling.
I fished in my jacket pocket for my keys, diving into Kermit to get out of the rain. I threw my phone onto the passenger seat, taking my hood down and staring at myself in my visor mirror.
I still hadn’t cried. Throughout this whole week, even though I’d been through a gamut of emotions, I still hadn’t shed a single tear. What was wrong with me? I gave myself a stern look. Perhaps the facts would unleash something. Crying was emotion leaking out. It was just like physics, right?
Maddie’s uncle had died.
I had no idea where Maddie was.
My future with her, which I’d been beginning to imagine, had gone up in flames.
I closed my eyes and concentrated hard. Maddie was gone. She was sorry. I screwed up my face. I strained.
Still nothing.
Although if I wanted to do a good impression of someone on the loo or being a bit mad in their car, I was doing a valiant job.
I shook my head, gave myself another look in the mirror, then swallowed some saliva. I needed to focus. Really try.
I exhaled, dipped my head, closed my eyes and got a mantra going in my mind: ‘She’s gone. Maddie’s left. That’s it.’ I breathed in and out quickly, my heartbeat speeding up in my chest.
Cry, dammit.
The sound of my phone ringing split the air. My eyelids sprang open, and I grabbed it, annoyed at the interruption. But then I saw it was Kerry. Who never called me. Shit, was Kerry going into labour early?
I pressed the green button. “Hey, you okay?”
“No,” came the instant reply.
“Is it the baby?” My heart was sprinting again.
“I’m only eight months, the baby is still firmly in my stomach.” She paused. “However, I have a very distraught Maddie on my sofa, and I think she’d like to see you. She might not admit it, and she’ll kill me for saying it, but I think she would.”
Relief swept through me and I wanted to punch the air. “She came to you.”
Of course she’d gone to Kerry.
“She did. It makes sense, doesn’t it? She’s been visiting a lot, talking about grief. So when her uncle died, she knew I was a safe spot. Someone who understands. Someone who’s dealt with what she’s dealing with now.”
It did make sense. My emotions were on a carnival ride, and I had no idea where they were going next. I was glad I’d located Maddie, angry at her for running, but I had a feeling that was from years ago. But the fact Maddie had run to a safe place, to our friend, to someone who understood?
I might be a little hurt she didn’t come to me, but I understood. If anyone got grief, it was Kerry.
I started the car. “I’m on my way. Do you need anything?”
“Just your smiling face.” She paused. “And chocolate is always a good option.”
Which made me smile. “Consider it done.”
Chapter 31
If I’d had any anger towards Maddie, there was no way I could keep it going when I saw her curled on Kerry’s sofa. She was still the woman I’d begun to entertain visions of a future with. But today, above it all, she was broken; I could tell at a glance it was going to take some time before she was put back together again. What’s more, that was only going to happen if we managed to convince her to stay put, where her friends were. Where I was.
Maddie wasn’t the only one who looked beaten up by the experience. Kerry’s face was puffy, too. It was only just over five months since James died, plus she was almost ready to drop. She gave me a hug, then offered me a tea, before disappearing into the kitchen. She turned the radio on, then up. She didn’t reappear straight away, which I assumed was my cue to deal with Maddie. It was what I was there for, after all.
I sat next to her and put my arm around her, putting my nose against her cheek.
Maddie inhaled a large breath as I did so.
“I’m so sorry about your uncle.” The bags around her eyes needed scaffolding, and her skin was pale and watery. I got the impression she hadn’t long stopped crying, and she blew her nose before replying.
“Thanks.” She pulled back, eyeing me warily. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch. It just got too much.”
I took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze. “It’s okay, it’s done now. But I should let Ally and Gemma know where you are. They’re up at your place giving it a spruce up.”
Maddie didn’t reply, just settled her gaze on me, before looking away.
“How are you feeling?”
Maddie coughed. “Probably like how I look. Like my world’s just fallen apart. I don’t know how Kerry’s been coping as well as she has. It’s the worst. It’s like,” she put her hand to her chest, “it’s like losing Mum all over again. Same house, same disease. Fuck cancer.” She closed her eyes and sat back.
“I’m so sorry, I know it can’t be easy. The opposite of easy, in fact.” I was struggling for words to fit her pain, but I ploughed on. “I went to the dock to look for you. When we all weren’t sure where you were, I thought you might have gone there.”
A flicker of a smile crossed her face. “I thought about it, but then decided I might be tempted to throw myself in the dock rather than contemplate life. Plus, I associate that place with you, with happier times. I know I went there after Mum, but I don’t want it associated with death too much.”
“It might have made you feel better.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think much is going to make me feel better. I don’t think going there and having a drink would help anyone.” She paused, before looking up at me through her long, dark lashes. “Although you being here is having some effect.” She shook her head. “I don’t deserve you, though. I’m sorry about everything. I know I haven’t handled it well.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I had to say that, even though it did. All of it mattered. Maddie had run away once before, and she was threatening to do it again. That was the biggest fucking deal of all. But her thinking was tainted with grief. I got that. I hoped that was all it was.
“It kinda does. I want to explain.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, then. Explain it to me.”
She sat up, rubbing her face with both palms before addressing me. “For starters… I didn’t want to jinx whatever was going on between us. I didn’t want us to start again in a rocky time. It feels like that’s where we left it, and I wanted to bring positive things to your life, not complicate it. If we’re giving this a go, I want it to be as perfect as it can be.”
I shook my head, holding her gaze. “You’re stupid, you know that? Life’s not like that; it’s not perfect and it never goes to plan. I know that, and you should know that, too.”
Her chest heaved as she sat back, covering her face with both hands. “I can’t believe he’s gone. My last link of that generation. I think I was kinda hoping there might be a miracle and he might survive, but I knew the chances were stacked against him. But now, it’s just me and Harris.”
“Plus you’ve got a ton of friends who are here to help. Including Kerry and me.”
She nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I know, it’s just hard.”
I took her in my arms and she let me, her body gently throbbing as sobs echoed through her. When she pulled away some moments later, I knew I’d have a wet patc
h on my shoulder, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was being there for Maddie. Death was a great leveller. It melted all the other stuff away, and just left you with the moment, the here and now.
But there was still the elephant in the room. I was going to address it. “Ally said you were talking about leaving. Were you being serious? Is that what you meant in your text when you said you were sorry?” My heart clattered in my chest as I waited for her answer.
She dipped her head, before taking a deep breath. “I don’t know. Yes. No. Maybe.” She sighed again. “Being here is messing with my head. On the one hand, there’s you, Kerry, Rob, everyone. It’s been great getting back in touch, it really has. But this is also where my mum died, and now where Amos died. If I stay in that house, what’s next? How long until I get cancer and die?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t work like that.” I gave her a tired smile. “This is you running away. Your default. But how about accepting the help being offered by everyone? Plus, we’ve only just got together again. I thought we were heading somewhere.” My lip shook as I spoke, and I glanced at her. “Isn’t that what you thought, after last Saturday?”
She glanced up, exhaling. “Of course. But I didn’t know if I’d blown my chances this week. Why would you want to be connected to me? I’m the kiss of death. That’s another reason why I was thinking about leaving. Being here and knowing me is dangerous. I’m like the black widow, cursing everyone who comes anywhere near me.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous.” I took her hands in mine, staring into her eyes, making sure I had her full attention. “Listen to me. Last week was big. I hope you felt it, too. I don’t do stuff like that, and it wasn’t just with anyone. It was with you.” I leaned in and kissed her lips. “You’re my first love, and I could fall back in love with you. It might take time, it might need work, but I’m willing to give it a go. But to do that, you have to be here.” I leaned in closer. “Promise me, you’re going nowhere?”
