by Clare Lydon
She drew in a shaky breath, then nodded. “I promise.”
I kissed her lips and she clung to me, before there was a noise in the room and we sprang apart.
“I hope you’re talking some sense into her.” That was Kerry coming in with a tray of tea and biscuits — the British cure for everything. “I swear, if she starts going on about being the kiss of death to everyone around her again, I might scream. You’ve just had some bad luck, that’s all. I mean, serious bad luck. But you’re not the only person who has bad luck. I have.” She pointed at her belly. “This little person has, and he or she isn’t even born. He or she will never know what an amazing man their father was.”
Kerry sat down, blowing her nose. “But if you’re going to stay around for anyone apart from yourself, think about the people in this room. I know Justine wants you to stay, for reasons that have always been obvious. You two are meant for each other, and the sooner you both wake up to that, the better.”
Maddie and I looked at each other, eyes wide, but said nothing. It didn’t feel like Kerry was finished yet. She wasn’t.
“The other reasons you should stay is for me and this little one who’s going to be here before you know it. I want my child to be surrounded by people who will tell them about James, about what a guy he was. I also want them to be surrounded by lovely people, solid friends of mine. You two both fall into that category.”
She wagged a finger at Maddie. “Plus, I’ve enjoyed you being back in my life, and I don’t want you disappearing again, never mind Justine will be terminally miserable if you do.” She put a hand to her forehead. “So please, can we stop all this talk about you leaving and just settle on the fact that you’re staying, and we’re all going to be here for you?”
She stared at us both, and then I turned to Maddie. “I couldn’t have put it better myself.”
Satisfied she’d said her piece, Kerry sat forward. “Now, who’s for tea and a chocolate digestive?”
Finally, Maddie cracked a smile. “If I’m staying, I better have a biscuit, hadn’t I?”
Chapter 32
I knocked on the door of Maddie’s place. I was trying to think of it as ‘Maddie’s place’ and not ‘her Mum’s house’, and I was encouraging her to do the same. Since Amos died a few days ago, Maddie had been staying over with Kerry because she didn’t want to sleep in this house alone. Kerry had called to ask if I could intervene. She said Maddie needed to go home and get back to normality. Kerry of all people knew it was essential that Maddie got over her fear. My plan today was to get Maddie to stay put. I was happy to stay, too, if she needed me.
She answered and gave me a hug, before stepping back to let me through. We’d done nothing more than hug since our chat after Amos died. I knew that incredible sex had happened, that layered emotion had been dredged up. However, I wasn’t going to push anything before Maddie was ready. I was just happy she was letting me back in to her life and her house.
I walked through to the kitchen, still my favourite room in the house, and sat down at the table while she put the kettle on. Maddie smiled at the box I set down.
“You brought cake?”
I nodded. “A bit obvious, but cake always makes things better.”
“True. Thanks.” She clutched the worktop behind her. With her height and lustrous hair, she looked so like her mum, it almost took my breath away. She belonged in this house, and she belonged in this kitchen. She just had to start believing it.
“The last of Amos’s stuff went this morning, to a homeless charity down the road. Loads of clothes and shoes they can use, so that’s good. Plus all his gadgets, which he loved. I thought about keeping them, but I like the thought of him living on through others. They were thrilled with his iPad and his laptop.”
“I bet they were. That’s a lovely thought — him living on through others.”
She nodded. “We got a date for the funeral, too. October 14th. That’ll be over three weeks since he died. Can you believe it takes nearly a month to bury someone in this country? In Spain they do it within a day or two. Seems weird we keep people hanging on so long.” She paused, turning to get the mugs as the kettle boiled. “But anyway, it’s done.”
“You’re doing really well, I hope you know that. Going back to work, sorting Amos’s stuff and his funeral.”
“Kerry helped, too. She’s been great, knowing what to do. And Harris has been around a lot as well. We both organised Mum’s funeral, so we remember that. But Kerry has been amazing. And Gemma messaged to say she was doing a funeral cake. I think she wants to make that a new trend, so you can make some money out of it.”
I laughed. “She always was the more entrepreneurial of the two of us.” I glanced at her as she sat down with the tea. “Your funeral cake is on the house, though.”
“You won’t get rich with that business mindset.” She locked eyes with me, taking a deep breath. “Thanks.”
“I love this kitchen, have I mentioned that?” The light was flooding in, and I could almost taste her mum’s essence in the air. “I hope you love it, too. I know you haven’t stayed here since Amos died.”
She bit her lip. “It’s just a bit weird. But I know I have to.”
I reached across the table and wrapped my fingers around hers. “You’re not doing this alone, remember?”
“I know.” She brought my knuckles to her lips and gently kissed them.
For the first time since we had sex at our new empire, I felt like I was allowed to experience my feelings. Allowed to look her in the eye like that. Allowed to feel like I wanted her again. I tried to say something to that effect, but I couldn’t quite find the words. Perhaps it wasn’t quite the moment just yet. I swallowed and looked at her.
“I still don’t know if I can live here, though.”
My heart almost stopped beating. I sat back, my jaw fixed tight. “I thought you’d decided to stay?”
She nodded. “I have, but just in this area, not in this house. There are so many memories here, I can still sense Mum and Amos. Plus, there’s Harris to think of. He needs the money, and if we sell, he can have his share.”
Okay, she wasn’t totally leaving. The hairs on my body danced as relief lathered my skin. “Don’t just sell up because Harris needs the money. You could buy him out, couldn’t you?” I was pretty sure she could, but I had no real idea about her finances.
She nodded. “I could. But if I’m going to start again, maybe it would be better to do it with a clean slate, somewhere fresh?”
I shook my head. “I disagree. I love this house, I always have. This is the house your mum bought when she got independent, so it has good vibes. And yes, I know she also died here, and so did your uncle, but think of that as a plus point. They’ll always be here, be around to watch over you, and that’s a very precious thing.
“If you sell, you’ll be losing a bit of both of them. They’re in the bones of this house, just as you are. This is your chance not to run away from the past, from your family history. To change your pattern of the past, and lean in to your history. To embrace it.”
She stared at me, her eyes so bright, it felt like there was an extra light behind them. “You make a very convincing argument. Have you ever thought about going into motivational speaking?”
I laughed. “I only get passionate about things I truly believe in. And I believe in you and your family. It’s your decision, and whatever you decide, I’ll respect it.” I paused. “But do you want me in your life?”
Maddie sat up reaching both hands across the table, taking my hands in hers. “You know I do. And the other day, you said you did, too. I want a future with you, Justine. I thought I’d made that clear.”
“Nothing’s very clear when you keep talking about leaving and giving me a heart attack.”
She dropped her head, before nodding slowly. “I get that. It probably feels like I’m blowing hot and cold. But really, it’s just me talking out loud, trying to figure things out. Figure out if I can stay in t
his house or not.”
That made sense. Even if it was bloody annoying.
Maddie gave me an apologetic grin.
“To me, it’s simple.” I dropped her hands, waving one arm through the air. “This house holds happy childhood memories for you. Plus, if you want me in your life, wouldn’t you rather I was able to walk into this kitchen and be instantly happy?”
Maddie snorted. “How about I sell the house to you? Sounds like you love it more than me.”
“You love it, too, and I wouldn’t buy it. Half the reason I love it is because it belongs to you and your family. So long as you keep it, that will continue. That counts for a lot, so don’t throw it away.”
She took a deep breath in and I could see her eyes glistening. “You think I should?”
My heartbeat was thundering in my ears. “I really do. You promised me the other day you’d stay. Now promise that you’ll stay here and face life head-on. Starting tonight, staying here to sleep.”
“The only way I can do that is if you stay with me, too.” Maddie’s cheeks were flushed, her eyes dark.
“I brought my toothbrush.” I stood up and held out both hands. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She looked me in the eye. “I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve another chance with you, but I’m not going to fuck it up again, I promise.” She was already getting up as she spoke.
“You’ve made a lot of promises before. Is this one you’re going to keep? The next time something bad happens, do you promise not to shut me out?” Our eyes locked, and I shook as her hands squeezed mine. Maddie’s old promises were paper thin. I needed them to be thicker now, to carry more weight. I needed it now more than ever before.
“You don’t have to worry anymore. You want me to embrace my future?” She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m doing it now. I promise, you’ll never have to doubt me again. I’m never going to give you a reason to do so.”
Maddie’s mouth was on mine in seconds, and I felt like I was on a fairground ride, my feelings whooping in my head. Maddie had promised me everything, and I was starting to believe.
We moved into the hallway and staggered up the stairs, me clawing at her clothing, and Maddie swaying like she was drunk. She wasn’t. It was just that we’d been talking around everything for so long now, we’d run out of words. Maddie was staying. For now, that was all I needed to know.
Because underneath it all, there was us. The heartbeat of us that had never stopped beating, even though it had been in intensive care for so many years. But I’d never stopped thinking about Maddie. Never stopped dreaming about ‘what if’. Now, ‘what if’ held out her hand and pulled me into her arms, before we stumbled through her doorway and tumbled onto her bed, both of us laughing.
I remembered then. Being with Maddie like this had always been effortless. Never once jagged. Intimately, we’d always been explosive. Being with her, I was able to be myself completely: to laugh, to relax, to stare into her eyes with naked ambition. Like I was doing now. My ambition was to love her like she’d never been loved before. To make her feel safe. To get over everything that had gone before. When we’d met again, it was her that had to work to make me feel safe. Now, with so much loss in her life, the tables had turned.
The first way I was going to do that was to get us connected, skin on skin. “I’ve wanted to touch you so much, ever since the other Saturday. I’ve ached to be inside you.”
She groaned. “I’ve wanted that, too.”
I put a finger to her lips. “Then let’s make it happen.” I saw the acquiesce in her eyes as she watched me kneel up beside her, before reaching down and pulling off her top. Damn, she was beautiful. Flat, strong abs, defined biceps, smooth skin.
“Are you sure you haven’t been working out? You make me look a bit flimsy.”
She grinned up at me. “No weights were harmed in the making of these muscles. It’s what happens when you have to cart planks of wood, tiles and bathroom suites around all the time. Are you impressed?” She raised up on her elbow, and flexed her right bicep.
I pulled her up and snapped off her bra. “Nothing turns me on like talk of planks and tiles.” I stripped off my clothes, shucked Maddie’s bottom half, and when we were both naked, I lowered my body onto hers. It drew low groans from both of us. A decade had passed since the last time we did this. In some ways, it seemed like no time; and yet, it seemed like a lifetime. But now she was underneath me, I was calm, assured.
But it wasn’t like before, far from it. This was us, but a new us.
I kissed Maddie’s cheekbones, down her long neck, along her collarbone. Some things, I remembered. When I licked her there, she looked down, startled. But when our gazes connected, realisation dawned on her face. I knew what she liked. At least, what she used to like.
“That hasn’t changed?”
She bit her lip, her eyes thick with emotion. “No.”
I took in her small, rounded breasts, the pebble of her nipple, lingering with my tongue on its curves and dips. I wanted to taste every last bit of her. To remember, but also, to be delighted by the new. Maddie’s body hadn’t changed much on the outside, but the inside was a completely different story. My job was to join the dots, to make her whole self sing. I was determined to do it.
I flipped her over, and nibbled my way from the nape of her neck to her bum cheeks, taking special care there as she wriggled beneath me. When I left a lasting mark on one of her cheeks, she groaned underneath me, which made me lie the length of her, put my mouth next to her ear.
“You still like that?”
Maddie groaned. “Yes.”
It was all I needed. I wanted to test out some of the other things I remembered about her. Her love of straddling my mouth, for instance. As I rolled her over and lay beneath her, I tapped my chest with one hand.
Her eyes grew darker as she rocked on my hips. “You remember more than you let on.” She reached down and kissed me, leaving her lips inches from mine, her breath hot on my face. “I always remember how good you were at this. I’ve never done this particular thing with anyone else.”
An arrow of lust landed in my core. “I better make sure it’s as good as you remember then.”
Maddie gave me a long, hard look, followed by a final bruising kiss. Then she moved herself upwards, until her pussy was over my mouth.
I grabbed her butt cheeks and took it from there. As my tongue began to explore her, Maddie breathed out. So did I. I worked up to touching her clit, revelling in the feel of her, of wanting to make this unforgettable. Had she really stopped doing this because of me? If that were true, what else had she stopped doing, too? Had she put a lid on a part of herself after me, just like I had when she left all those years ago? It seemed like we’d both been waiting for permission to be ourselves fully again.
I was determined to fuse us back together in that moment, starting with a sweep of my tongue up and over Maddie’s hot centre; once, twice, three times. She was so wet and ready. I pressed into her with wild abandon.
Maddie writhed on top of me, her butt cheeks clenching in my hands. “Oh Justine, yes!”
I knew she was close. With one last arch of my tongue, one last squeeze of her cheek, I made her soar, and she fell forward over me, gasping for breath, her body shaking. I grinned into her, only stopping when she told me to. After a few moments, I guided her down, laying her on her back, before kissing her lips gently, then sliding two fingers into her. She was so wet.
I kissed her again, and as Maddie’s eyelids fluttered open, I began to fuck her slowly, curling into her, the air thick with emotion. Right there, something slotted into place, like a puzzle piece I’d been searching for.
All along, it had been Maddie.
As my thumb connected with her clit once more, Maddie stilled. Then her hands dug into me. As I built my rhythm, she cried out again, shuddering as she came, clutching my body and my heart.
When her orgasm faded, I kissed her cheek, then
her neck, before coming back up to meet her eyes. What I saw there almost made me cry.
Almost.
“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”
I gave her a knowing smile. “I think I do.” I moved my fingers inside her.
She closed her eyes and breathed out. “Do you have anywhere to go this afternoon?”
I shook my head.
She gave me the widest grin I’d seen in a while. “Good. I’ve got some plans if you’re interested.”
I went to reply, but was cut off by Maddie’s lips crushing against mine.
Chapter 33
Amos’s funeral was on a dark autumnal day in mid-October. As we drove into the car park, I couldn’t help but get flashbacks to James’s funeral. To the change in weather. To the fact that life went on, despite what the chief mourners might think at the time.
Maddie had insisted I drive Kerry, so she was in the front seat next to me. Maddie and Harris were in the funeral car, which was somewhere behind us. My stomach lurched as we pulled up, and I looked across at Kerry, her bump huge, her face stoic. As I killed the engine, I took her hand in mine and looked her in the eye.
“Just remember, whatever reaction you have is the right one, okay? This is still the same year you buried your husband, the same cemetery. You don’t have to be strong for Maddie. You can be whatever you want to be.”
Kerry’s jaw wobbled. “I know.” She took a deep breath. “Let’s just say, I’ve no idea what’s going to happen once we’re through those doors, because I’ve no idea what I’m thinking.”
We got out and walked over to the main door, today not being the kind of weather to stand outside. Overhead, the skies were grey, just like my heart. I hoped Maddie was okay. She was bearing up when I left her, it was Harris who was more of a mess. This was tough for both of them.
Inside, Gemma and Ally were already there, as were Rob and Jeremy, along with a smattering of Amos’s friends. It wasn’t a big gathering like James’s funeral. But then, as you got older, I suspected your friendship groups splintered. Plus, Amos had worked abroad for much of his life as an engineer, so many of his friends had been unable to come. I knew Maddie had received plenty of cards and messages from them.
