by Clare Lydon
A tap on my shoulder made me turn, and I could see Kerry wondering who the person was. It was Lisa, Maddie’s dad’s ex, along with Maddie’s half-brother, Nate. I gave them both a grateful hug.
Since Amos had died, Lisa had come around twice when I’d been there, and I could see why Maddie liked her. She was warm and compassionate, as was her son. While Lisa would never be Maddie’s mum, I got the impression she was happy to fill a little of the void, and I know Maddie appreciated that. Perhaps, when Maddie got the nerve up to come around to my parents’ house, my mum could fill a little more of it, too. Just as I thought that, Dean walked in, closely followed by Mum and Dad.
Something rose up in my throat when I saw them. Was I going to cry, finally? I steadied myself, ready for the onslaught of tears, but they didn’t come. Dean and my parents walked up. I hugged my brother, then held on to Mum for far longer than necessary. That Maddie had buried her mum here suddenly took on far greater significance. No matter what happened in life, my parents had always been there for me. That was now in sharp focus.
“Thanks for coming,” I whispered, barely able to get the words out, hugging Dad. “And for still being alive,” I wanted to add, but didn’t.
Mum stepped back, squeezing my arm. “You told me about it, and I know it’s important. To you and to Maddie. So we all came.”
We sat and waited for the main event, Kerry and I on the front bench, the irony not lost on me as I turned to smile at Gemma behind me. She mouthed the word “bench warmer” to me, and gave me a thumbs-up. I gulped. I was glad I was here for Maddie’s uncle and not for Maddie. We were only just getting to know each other again, and I was not ready for that to come to an end.
The organ began and we stood. Before I knew it, the coffin was placed in front of us, and Maddie was beside me, her hand in mine, squeezing my fingers tight. On the other side, Kerry had hold of my other hand just as tight. My role here was to be the rock, the one everyone leaned on. I could totally do that, and was happy to do that. I wasn’t going to cry, after all, so my hands may as well be useful.
But fuck me, I had no idea how Kerry was going to cope. Just being here was bringing back James’s funeral in high definition. I looked to my left, where she was breathing out hard, trying to hold it together. To my right, Maddie was doing the same. They’d both endured so much grief, so much loss. I’d told both Kerry and Maddie to focus on the happy memories of their loved ones, but this was harder than even I’d thought. My breathing was getting scattered, but I had to be strong.
Kerry broke down when they played one of Amos’s favourite songs — The Rolling Stones’ ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ — which also happened to be one of James’s. She broke in a silent way, her body heaving but no sound coming out. I heard movement behind, and then Gemma appeared next to Kerry, hugging her tight, comforting her. Emotion swirled inside me, the colours melting together like a stick of rock.
Then Maddie squeezed my hand again, clutching her speech cards. It was time for her eulogy. “You’ve got this,” I whispered, before kissing her cheek.
She nodded, her eyes glistening.
I really hoped she did. We’d agreed that if she broke down, I’d get up and take over. Because of that, I knew the speech almost word for word.
When Maddie began to talk, Harris began to cry. I rubbed his arm, and his face crumpled. Maddie spoke about her exotic uncle working abroad, bringing them presents when he visited in their childhood. How he’d been there for her mum later in life. How much she loved him.
It was when she started talking about how much her mum loved Amos that I turned to my family behind. I couldn’t fathom saying goodbye to them. They were all here for me, my rocks, and I was so grateful. If I lost them, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
Suddenly, grief twisted itself like a knife in my gut, and I struggled to breath. What was happening? Maddie’s words about her family were swirling around my head like confetti, but I couldn’t hear them. The sound of my own pain was too deafening, all the emotion I’d bottled up for the past ten years.
I stared at the coffin and saw James in my mind’s eye. I turned to Kerry and thought of her unborn baby. I glanced at Maddie and saw our future, one that was impacted by death. I turned, just as Mum moved forward and kissed my cheek, giving my shoulder a squeeze.
That was all it took for the tears to start falling. Once they started, it seemed like they might never stop. I sat on the front bench as Harris took me in his arms, and listened to my love talk about her loss. And I grieved. For everything and everyone who’d gone. For Maddie’s mum, Amos, for James, for the loss of us. It was horrific, but it was freeing.
Luckily, Maddie was a champion with the speech, which was a good job, because I would have been no use at all. When she sat down, she took my hand. I was semi-recovered, sitting upright, but the rest of the funeral passed by in a blur. When Amos disappeared behind the curtain, I cried again, just like everyone else.
I wasn’t unusual anymore.
I was free.
At the end, Maddie and I embraced, as did she and her brother. Even though I was sodden with tears and grief, I felt lighter. Something had lifted from me. All the grief and upset I’d been storing had been let out into the world.
As I left our row, my parents were waiting for me, and I’d never been more grateful. I made a vow there and then never to take my parents for granted again.
I was even more grateful when Mum hugged Maddie first, and not me.
Chapter 34
Dad had to leave for a job, but Mum came to the pub after the funeral. She stayed for two drinks and a slice of Gemma’s chocolate orange cake, declaring it delicious and telling her she should open a cake school. Two glasses of wine and Mum thought she was a comedian. She headed off soon after, kissing me on the cheek and telling me she had a dental appointment. I pitied that dentist when she opened her mouth and breathed out a cloud of Chardonnay and sugar. She kissed us all goodbye, saving her longest hug for Maddie, telling her to come for dinner soon. That had me tearing up again, but dammit, I wasn’t going to cry.
Maddie came and sat next to me afterwards, shaking her head. “Your mum’s amazing, you know that?”
I smiled. “I do. She has her moments, today being an outstanding one.”
“It was so great of both your parents to come. After how I treated you before, I was scared to see them. Especially your mum. But she told me in no uncertain terms I was always welcome in their home.” She raised an eyebrow. “Have you been bigging me up? She was glowing about how I’d helped you and Gemma.”
I shook my head and glanced at my brother, who was chatting with one of Amos’s friends. “Not me, you’ve got Dean to thank for that. He always did love you.”
“Thank god for Dean.” She leaned forward and kissed me. “And for you. Thanks for everything over the past few weeks, and the past few months. I seriously couldn’t have done this without you, without everyone.”
“Stop it, you’re going to make me cry again.” I shifted in my seat, still naked from my outpouring of emotion earlier. I’d already cried again at the wake when Maddie proposed a toast to her mum and uncle. Everyone was treating me with kid gloves, not quite sure what to make of the new Justine. If they were freaked, they should try being me.
“Fuck!”
I turned to see who was shouting obscenities at just gone 5pm, and fear ran up my spine when I saw Kerry doubled over, Dean’s arm resting on her back. “Is she okay?” It was a stupid question, and not one I was proud of.
“No she’s fucking not.” Kerry always did have a way with words. She’d been complaining of feeling weird for the past hour or so, but we’d put it down to grief. But now? Maybe not.
“Are you in labour? Should I call an ambulance?”
“Yes you fucking should!”
Okay, Kerry was a sweary mother-to-be.
“And you’re fucking coming with me, all of you.” Kerry glanced up and looked around the table, all of whom had f
allen silent.
I didn’t think the ambulance would be happy taking all ten of us, but I glossed over that. “We’re coming with you, don’t worry.” I glanced at Maddie, picking up my phone to go outside and call the ambulance. “Drink up, love. We’re about to witness the miracle of birth, and the cycle of life. Birth and death in one day.”
Chapter 35
We left Kerry at the hospital in the capable hands of the staff and her family. Her sister was her birth partner, and her parents waited anxiously with us, giving us hugs at every opportunity. But Kerry’s baby didn’t take long to pop out: a boy, she named Stanley James after her late grandfather and her late husband. I liked that a baby named after two late family members was two weeks early.
We gave Kerry and Stanley our love, told her how proud James would have been, and I had one last sob when I held the baby. Then we jumped in a cab. I was just about to tell the cabbie Maddie’s address, but she leaned forward and told the driver to take us to The Spanish Station. When she sat back on the black leather seat, I smiled at her.
“You always were a smoothie, you know that?”
“I try,” Maddie replied.
When we got out, we strolled across the car park to the bar, hand in hand. I pulled my grey scarf a little closer around my neck as the October chill tried to bite through. When we arrived, the place was half-empty, but the bar looked gorgeous. Twinkly lights were strung outside, along with fresh flowers. We ordered two glasses of wine, then sat outside under one of the outdoor heaters, looking out to the dockside, all lit up. It was still before 9:00 pm, but it felt like we’d been up for days. We’d packed a lifetime into the last 12 hours.
“So a funeral and a birth in one day. It’s like we’re inside a country song, isn’t it?”
I laughed. “You could say that. You okay with Kerry upstaging Amos?”
“More than okay. I like that she let him have his time, then stole it at the last. It means that now when I think about today, it won’t be tinged with quite as much sadness. Good things came out of it, too.”
I put an arm around her and pulled her close. She let me.
“We had some good times here, didn’t we?” Maddie said.
“We did.”
“You think we can have some more good times?”
“It could be arranged.”
“I’ve been thinking about the house. About what I want to do.”
I turned to her. I’d been doing some thinking, too. “I know I’ve been putting pressure on you to stay in it, to put down some roots. But you know what? So long as you stay here and don’t move away, you can live wherever you want. Wherever makes you happy. So long as we’re together, that’s the main thing. I don’t want you to stay in that house if it has too many memories.”
Maddie gave me a slow smile, a single eyebrow quirking. How I loved her no-nonsense brows. “Let me finish. What I was going to say before you interrupted me is that you were right.”
“I was?” This was news.
“Uh-huh. That house holds a lot of memories, but most of them are good, not bad. Amos when he came to visit. Mum singing and cooking. Us having sex upstairs.” She grinned, kissing my lips. “Plus, how can I move out when you love that kitchen so much?”
I leaned in to kiss her again. She tasted of my future.
Maddie stared into my eyes, still just inches from her own. “The point is, I’ve decided to stay put.”
A warmth flooded my body like golden sunshine. I flung my arms around her neck and squeezed. “I’m so pleased.” That was the understatement of the year.
She kissed me again. “I’m glad you’re pleased. But I do have one condition.”
I pulled back. “Condition?”
“Actually two. And they’re big ones.” She paused. “The first condition is that you move in with me. That’s non-negotiable.”
My heart burst like a firework in my chest, but I held it together. Emotion wrapped itself around my tear ducts again, but I wasn’t going to give in. Not just yet. Focus.
“The second condition is that we get a dog. A dachshund preferably, like I grew up with, but I’m open to suggestions. Just not a labrador. Too much phlegm.”
“I never knew you were so picky with dogs.”
“Every day’s a school day.” She paused, eyeing me closely. “So what do you think? Move in with me and get the kitchen of your dreams?”
“Are you blackmailing me?”
“In the nicest possible way. Plus, if your business is in Bristol, it makes sense, right? Think of all the traffic you’d avoid in the morning.”
“That’s the best reason yet.”
Maddie’s smile showed off her impossibly straight teeth. The straightest thing about her. “Is that a yes?”
“It’s a big decision.” I narrowed my eyes. I was trying to think of negatives, but I was coming up blank. These days, I could only see positives where Maddie was concerned.
“But you told me you were thinking of moving.”
“I was. I am.”
“So move in with me.” Her eyes shone as she spoke.
“That would mean admitting you’re my kind.”
She moved as close as she could without kissing me. “I am your kind, in every possible way. Why wait anymore? We’ve waited a decade, and life’s short. Let’s grab it while we can, take a chance. Me, you, and our dog. I love you, Justine. I always have.”
I gulped. So many times I’d dreamed of this moment, and now here it was. Maddie was back in my life, and she was asking me to move in with her. To trust her. To love her. I had to give it a chance. I had to go with my gut. My heart and my gut were screaming yes.
I nodded, relief surging through me. I’d found her again. Finally. “Yes. I’d love to move into your house with you. And we can have a dachshund.” I paused. “I love you, too, by the way.”
Maddie beamed and took me in her arms, holding me like she was never going to let me go.
I had to trust that was true. I had to trust in Maddie. I was determined to give it my best shot. Because wherever she was, I wanted to be.
In the end, it really was that simple.
Epilogue
ONE YEAR LATER
“Something smells delicious!” I hung my scarf on the coat hook in the hallway and greeted Flash, our brown-and-black sausage dog who was barking at my feet. I walked through to the kitchen, putting the Victoria sponge I’d baked earlier on the counter-top. There before me was my girlfriend, cooking. She was doing it more and more often these days, even starting to enjoy it. Seeing as I’d been cooking all the meals since I’d moved in nine months ago, I was all for it. Even if she did leave the kitchen looking like a bomb had gone off.
I drew up behind her at the hob, got on tip-toes and nuzzled her neck through her hair. She squirmed as she always did, although being a few inches shorter, I could never get the purchase I wanted. I breathed her in, still loving her smell. Still loving her, more than ever, day by day.
“How’s Diane’s tagine today?” I pulled away, stepping over Flash before grabbing a glass from the cupboard. Maddie had dug out her mum’s old recipes and was going through them, one by one.
“Tasting great. I might be ready to move onto another recipe soon. I thought maybe Mum’s apple pie next.”
I glugged some water before replying. “I wholeheartedly approve of that.”
“How was the class?” She put the cone-shaped lid on the pot and walked over, kissing me on the lips as Flash scurried around our feet. Maddie bent to pet him, before standing back up.
Today had been full-on: a class of 20 in studio A with Amisha and Jo; a class of 15 in studio B with Gemma. “Good. The studios are great, still new enough to love. Plus, enquiries are going through the roof. So we’re doing well. Plus, our new teachers are brilliant, which is a relief.”
She spied the cake box. “And you brought cake?”
“Of course. Such a gorgeous meal needs an accompanying dessert. Even if I didn’t make it.” I gave h
er a grin. “Plus, my family would never forgive me. Mum and Dad, and Dean and Octavia are turning up in an hour.”
Our ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ episode had been delayed and only aired last week. Dean was still smarting after he’d been cut out completely. It was a sore spot I intended to poke later, with the episode set up to watch again after dinner because my parents hadn’t yet seen it. Maddie had told me I was being childish. I totally agreed, but it wasn’t going to stop me.
I checked my watch. “Everything on course?”
She gave me a thumbs-up. “Ship-shape and Bristol fashion.”
“Lucky we live in Bristol, then.” I looked up through the skylight, the one that had drawn me back here, the one I’d always loved. The past nine months had gone by in a blur, and mostly had been the sweetest I’d ever tasted. Maddie had coped with the loss of her uncle well, going to grief counselling, which she’d never done with her mum. Crucially, she’d also talked to Kerry and I. Her response wasn’t to run anymore. It was to slow down and see how she could alter her mood. That was a triumph of epic proportions and one that made me hopeful for our future.
“And you’re feeling okay today? One year since Amos died.” I glanced at the table, where I could still see him sitting sometimes. “It doesn’t seem so long, does it?”
Maddie smiled at me. “It does and it doesn’t. Sometimes I can feel him, and I was sure he was here with me today. Mum definitely was, telling me not to over-spice the tagine. She’s so bossy.”
I kissed her lips. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then got some wine glasses from the cupboard, and a bottle of red from the rack. “I spoke to Kerry today, by the way. Stanley’s walking already. She reckons he’s a child genius and I didn’t like to argue with her.”
