Reluctant to Love

by Gallo , Rebecca

  His breath is giving me life and love and hope. Everything he’s offering me, I grasp at, hoping to catch it, praying it won’t disappear the moment everything is revealed. Because I want him back, so badly. My heart feels as if it’s truly beating for the first time in years and it’s because of him.

  8

  Roderick

  There is nothing like sleeping and waking up next to a beautiful woman, especially when it’s Eleanor. Seeing her in the early morning, as the sunlight filters into room turning it from black to gray, is like a balm to my weary heart. It starts to heal the cracks that formed the moment she left.

  I use these precious few moments to truly study her. Her black shorts reveal the familiar tattoos inked on her thigh. I think about the words newly etched on her skin.

  Everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud.

  She’s hinted at secrets, at something so huge it could alter my feelings for her. What isn’t she telling me?

  She stirs, shifting in the bed, and her t-shirt rides up her belly. Her curves have softened over the last few years and I hesitantly reach out a hand, letting it ghost over the slope of her hip.

  “You better have a damn good reason for waking me up,” she growls.

  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” I stretch out beside her and wrap an arm around her body before planting a kiss behind her ear. “I have a long day ahead of me.”

  She hums as she twists to face me and nuzzles her face against my chest. “I have to get ready for my meeting tomorrow.”

  “She already loves your book,” I tell her. “Just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”

  “How do you know she loves my book?”

  “She might have mentioned it during our last meeting.” I hug her tightly and kiss the top of her head. “I wish I could stay in bed with you all day, but I can’t.”

  “It’s okay. I rarely get this much peace and quiet. I can probably get a ton of work done on my manuscript.”

  I smile at her perseverance. She never gave up on her dream of being published even though it seems as if the last few years have been difficult. I shift away from her but manage to steal a few kisses before I slip out of bed and head into the bathroom for a shower.

  My lust and desire for her have clouded my thoughts and reuniting with Eleanor is quite challenging. How will we manage a long-distance relationship after four years apart and a tumultuous past? No doubt, trust is going to be an issue and I can’t prove myself trustworthy when we’re living far apart.

  Which also means I need to figure out where she is living. In college, she was an out of state student but once our relationship ended, I lost track of her. I regret not chasing after her but at the time, I thought the best thing to do was give her space. If she wanted me, she would come back…at least, that’s what I kept telling myself. In reality, I was stupid enough to sign a divorce agreement that included stipulations about being involved with other women. Famke’s money made me a desperate man.

  When I step out of the shower, I notice Eleanor sitting on the bed with her laptop perched on a pillow on her lap. She’s leaning against a stack of pillows and I can see white earbuds in her ears. Her fingers fly across the keyboard as she works. As I move around the room getting dressed, she ignores me. I throw a couple glances her way, hoping to catch her eye but I come away empty handed each time.

  I check the time and realize if I don’t leave the room now, I’m going to be late for my first meeting.

  “I hate bothering you, but I have go,” I tell her once she looks up at me.

  She smiles and slips one earbud from her ear. “Sorry, I didn’t even notice you.”

  “I realized that when you didn’t bat an eye at my bare ass.”

  “I’m not interested in your ass, Roderick. Your cock, well, that’s another story.”

  I lean down and kiss her lips slowly, a promise of things to come. “So, you’re thinking about my cock?”

  “I plead the fifth,” she says with a grin.

  “I dream about you, sweets,” I whisper. “I dream about sinking deep into your warmth, feeling your pussy wrapped around my cock. In four years, one thing has not changed – how badly I want you.”

  Her cheeks bloom with pink and she swallows. “Have a good meeting.”

  I chuckle as I leave the room, careful to adjust myself before I go.

  As I step onto the elevator, I expect a day of boring meetings. Unfortunately, that’s not how the day went.

  The first meeting of the day is with my agent, Caroline. It’s hard to concentrate on the meeting because I want to ask her about Eleanor’s manuscript and meeting.

  “What’s wrong with you,” Caroline comments as we’re revising a book tour schedule. “It’s like you have ants in your pants or something.”

  I bite my lower lip. “I shouldn’t ask this,” I begin, “but I’m eager to know about your meeting tomorrow.”

  “How do you know I have a meeting tomorrow?”

  I admit to seeing her schedule a few months ago and she teases me for being nosy.

  “Do you know Eleanor Jessup?”

  “Yes,” I state. I don’t see the need to offer up any additional information.

  “I was really impressed with the manuscript she submitted. It was so heartbreaking and moving. And then I found out Eleanor herself is a single mother, which really added another layer of depth to the story. Have you read it?”

  The world stops turning the moment the words “single mother” are uttered. Eleanor has a child? A million questions swirl around in my brain. But only one matters.

  Is the child mine?

  “Roderick,” Caroline calls out.

  “Sorry, what did you say?”

  “Did you read Eleanor’s manuscript?”

  “No, not yet.”

  Her lips form a smile, like she has a secret she is eager to tell. “I shouldn’t say anything to you but I sold her manuscript. I’m going to tell her tomorrow.”

  “Wow,” I breathe out.

  She rattles off the details of the contract but I don’t hear them. All I can think about is whether or not Eleanor’s child is my child. And there’s only one way to find out.

  “I’m sorry, but can we cut this meeting short?”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I cryptically respond before quickly escaping the conference room.

  For all of her talk about honesty, I hope Eleanor isn’t keeping a secret this big.

  I jam the elevator call button rapidly, willing the car to arrive and when it does, I sprint inside and slam my hand over the number of my floor.

  My heart beats thunderously in my chest and my knee shakes nervously. Do I have a son or a daughter out there? Is that the real reason Eleanor didn’t come looking for me once the dust settled?

  When the doors slide open, I rush out into the hallway and down toward our room. I can’t get my keycard out of my pocket quick enough. I wave it over the card reader and push the door open.

  “Eleanor!” I can hear her muffled voice coming from the master bedroom. I thrust the door open to find her sitting on the edge of the bed, her cell phone against her ear. “Eleanor, we have to talk. Now.”

  She holds up a hand and says to the person on the other end, “I’ll let you know as soon as I have details.”

  When she hangs up the phone, her big blue eyes are filled with worry. “Whatever it is, it can wait. I have to fly back home tonight.”

  “No,” I tell her firmly. “You’re not leaving this hotel room until you tell me whether or not I have a child.”

  9

  Eleanor

  All of the air has been sucked from my lungs.

  “What did you say,” I ask Roderick.

  “Is your child mine, Eleanor?” His jaw is tight with tension and I can see the veins in his neck strain under the pressure.

  “How do you know I have a child?”

  “Don’t fuck with me! Just answer the goddamn q
uestion!” Roderick’s voice fills the entire room and surprises me. I’ve never heard him yell before.

  “Yes,” I answer quietly.

  “This is the secret? The one you said would change everything?”

  “Yes,” I answer, my voice more defiant. I tilt my head and stare into his green eyes. They’re blazing with hurt and anger. “And from your reaction, I was right.”

  I stand up and push past him. I can’t worry about Roderick and his ego.

  “Where are you going? We need to talk about this!”

  I spin to face him. “I don’t have time, Roderick. I have to get home. Izzy has the flu and was just admitted to the hospital.”

  “Then I’m coming with you,” he insists.

  “No, you’re not.” I was working my way up to telling him about our daughter, Izzy, but somehow, someway, he found out. I cannot handle having him in my space…no, having him invade my space and throwing Izzy into a tailspin. More importantly though, Izzy needs to be prepared.

  “Yes, I am, Ellie.”

  His insistence is irritating. “Stop being so selfish! Think about Izzy. She has no clue and you want me to bring you home and introduce you to her as her dad? Sorry, I’m not going to traumatize my daughter for your sake.”

  “Our daughter. She’s my daughter too.”

  I roll my eyes. “I don’t have time for this. I need to pack up and get to the airport.”

  “Aren’t you even concerned about your meeting tomorrow?”

  “Not really. My daughter is in the hospital with a fever that will not budge. That’s all I’m concerned about.” Not to mention the astronomical hospital bill that will follow in a few weeks. Yeah, I’m pretty concerned about that too.

  Before I can get by him, Roderick reaches out and hooks his arm through mine. “I’m coming with you, end of story. Besides, I’m pretty sure you won’t be able to afford a ticket this last minute.”

  Money. I hadn’t even thought about paying for a flight home and of course, Roderick is Mr. Moneybags now. “Didn’t the publisher pay for a private jet?”

  He drops his hand from my arm, freeing it and I rush across the suite to the second bedroom and begin packing. I stop to check in with my mom but there’s no change in Izzy’s condition. Her fever is still sky high.

  “Oh, darling, just a quick question,” my mom asks before I hang up. “Do you know any Leos?”

  “No, I don’t know anyone named Leo.”

  “Not the name Leo, but the astrological sign.”

  I turn to face the doorway just as Roderick enters with his hand on his suitcase. “Yes, I do.” And I’m staring right at him.

  “They’re quite passionate and fiery. Typically, not a good match for Aquarians like you but I was talking to my friend Cheryl, who is a medium and she said—”

  “Mom! I really don’t have time for a story about Cheryl. I need to get to the airport if I have any hope of getting on a flight tonight.”

  “Alright. Keep me posted.”

  Our conversation ends and when I glance back toward the doorway, Roderick is still waiting with an expectant look on his face.

  My walls crumble a little more because I want to share this burden with him. For once, there’s someone to carry the weight when it gets too heavy.

  “Give me five more minutes,” I tell him in a soft voice.

  He steps forward and slips his hand over my shoulder and around my neck. “You don’t have to do any of this alone,” he whispers before he leans down to brush his lips against mine.

  My hand trembles as I reach up to fist his shirt. Just give in, I tell myself. Let him take care of you. My hand falls away and I take a step back.

  “I have to finish packing.”

  He gets the hint and leaves me along until I emerge from the bedroom with my luggage in hand, which he takes from me. “How is she doing?”

  “No change,” I reply. “Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Lady Luck is rarely on my side but today, she seems to be smiling down on me. In the cab on the way to the airport, Roderick pulls out his phone and asks, “Where do you live?”

  “You mean you don’t know?”

  “No, I don’t. If I did, do you think I would have waited four years to see you again?”

  “Cleveland,” I mutter.

  His fingers fly across the screen of his phone until he says, “All booked. We don’t leave for a few more hours which gives you plenty of time to tell me about my daughter.”

  “Listen, just because you knocked me up doesn’t mean you’re just going to waltz into her life... into our lives. It’s more complicated than that.”

  “Jesus, sweets. I know it’s complicated. Just give me a fucking chance to prove myself.”

  I turn in the seat and face him, “Roderick, I don’t give a fuck about you right now. That might sound harsh to you but the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life became about her. She is the reason I even bother to still dream about being an author. I want to give her a better life.”

  When he reaches out to thread his hand through my hair, I recoil but he doesn’t let me go. He holds firmly and draws me toward him. “Stop running.” For one moment, I allow myself a moment of weakness. I lean into him, inhaling his spicy warm scent. He strokes his hand through my hair over and over until I relax against him. “Your dream is going to come true, Eleanor.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Caroline sold your book. She told me today when I met with her.”

  I pop up and stare at him through narrowed eyes. “Why were you talking to Caroline about me?”

  His smile is easy, and he gathers me right back into his embrace. “I couldn’t help myself, sweets. I wanted to know what she thought of your book.”

  My book. My very personal book about a single mom. “So, is that how you found out?”

  “When she told me what it was about and that you were a single mom, I put two and two together.” He says it so casually, like finding out he has a child is no big deal.

  “I was going to tell you, especially after I found out Izzy was in the hospital. I knew you wouldn’t just let me leave the convention without an explanation.”

  “As soon as we get to the airport, call Caroline and explain.” He hugs me tighter and then kisses the top of my head. “We’ll figure everything out, sweets. You just have to stop being so damn stubborn.”

  The cab drops us off at the airport and once we make it through security, I take the time to call my mom.

  “I got a flight,” I tell her. “It leaves in a few hours and I’ll get in very late.”

  “I can leave here for a bit to come and pick you up,” she says.

  “No. I don’t want you to leave the little princess alone. Besides, I won’t be traveling alone.”

  “Oh?”

  Despite being a New Age horoscope nut, my mom is my best friend. She knows everything. “Roderick is coming back with me.”

  “Oh?” I can almost hear the smile in her voice.

  “It’s a long story I’m sure you’re eager to hear,” I grumble.

  “I look forward to finally meeting him.”

  “Don’t get too attached. I don’t know how long he’s planning on staying.”

  I turn just in time to catch his eye. The scowl on his lips tells me he overheard our conversation and isn’t too happy.

  When I slip my phone back into my bag, he grabs my hand and drags me toward an empty gate.

  “Listen,” he growls as he presses me against the wall. “Let’s get one thing straight, sweets. These walls around your heart better start tumbling down because whether you like or not, I’m staying forever.”

  I don’t get the chance to respond because his mouth slams into mine. Little by little, my defenses start to crumble. I’m desperate to believe in him, to believe all of the things he says because there is truly no other man for me but him.

  With every breath his kisses steal, my reluctance to love again is replaced with new a
nd exciting hope for the future.

  10

  Roderick

  It’s hard to describe the moment Eleanor confirmed her daughter was also my daughter. Being a father was a role I never intended to play. That was partially Famke’s fault. She never wanted children and took every precaution possible to not get pregnant without even telling me. My own feelings toward this subject were never taken into consideration and now that I’m a father, I have no idea how I even feel.

  The flight to Cleveland is short, only a few hours, and I spend the entire time trying to process my emotions. It doesn’t help that every time I ask Eleanor about Izzy, she stonewalls me. I understand her desire to protect Izzy and to some extent, I understand her mistrust. She still doesn’t quite believe me when I tell her I’m not going anywhere.

  I finally decide to ask her about what I hope is a fairly safe topic. “Tell me about being homeless.”

  She closes her laptop and is quiet for a moment before she sighs. “It was after I had Izzy.” She shifts uncomfortably in the seat and her lips tighten to form a thin line. “I’m not proud of the way I behaved. I was seriously messed up.”

  I reach between our seats to take hold of her hand. “I have no room to judge you, Ellie.”

  “I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. I had no idea what I was doing with a child. Izzy had terrible reflux and would cry and cry and cry. She never napped. I was so exhausted, Roderick. And I felt so alone.” A single tear slips down her cheek and she quickly swipes at it with her hand. “I left Izzy with my mother one morning and never came back.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “I just drove and drove until I felt like I was far enough away. I didn’t really go anywhere. I just needed space to get my head together.”

  Slowly, I bring our joined hands up to my lips and kiss the back of her hand. No matter how difficult it is to hear her say these things to me, I remind myself I am partially to blame. I wasn’t honest and I drove her away. She was alone and struggling partly because of me.