Trusting Xavier
Page 11
“I’m so—”
He cupped her jaw and turned her face to his and silenced her with his lips. She’d never been kissed like this, from behind as though he used their proximity to keep himself from crossing some invisible line.
Putting on the T-shirt, keeping a barrier between them, he was showing her respect, not pushing for more, not taking advantage when every single part of their lives intersected, giving them this opportunity. The realization cracked her heart clean open, letting him walk right past all of her safeguards, guaranteeing if they screwed this up, she’d be forever changed.
Chapter 16
Xavier fought it, he railed against every part of him that wanted to keep his past buried and seek relief in her warm lips and her soft skin. But his lies by omission cost him everything once, and for reasons beyond him, fate was giving him a second chance. He wouldn’t blow it. They wouldn’t take the next step out of a sense of urgency or convenience. He wouldn’t make any more moves until he told her the truth about his wife and daughter.
Once he was sure he could hold back and not do something incredibly stupid by losing himself in her body, he turned Laramie in his arms and with his hand tangled in her loosely kept hair, he kissed her forehead. “Where’s Harmony?”
“Cora took her to the sleepover in the theater room tonight.”
“So you have time,” he whispered over her temple.
“Yes,” she said, her hands fisting his T-shirt against his ribs as she held on to him.
“Another lifetime ago, I was married and had a daughter.” He dove right into the heart of it as he held on to her and whispered the words into the tendrils of hair that fell along her cheek.
She froze in his arms, the sound of her swallowing audible in the intimate space between them. She tried to step away, but he held on.
Letting her take a step back meant looking into her eyes, and he couldn’t. Maybe someday, but not right now. What she called shyness, he called cowardice. Logic said the truth lay somewhere in between.
“Doc,” she whispered, the broken tone proof that with that one sentence she had already started putting the pieces together.
“I’ve never said this out loud, so…just bear with me, okay?”
“Okay,” she murmured, those hands that clutched at him, almost desperately, sliding around his waist, her palms flattening against his back, pulling him in tighter.
“I wasn’t a good husband.” It was the hardest thing to admit. Because had he been, Sarah and Morgan would still be here.
“Being a SEAL meant being away from home for long periods of time. It meant keeping secrets from the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish.”
He ran his hands over the curve of her back and dropped his chin to her shoulder, taking solace in the easiest details to confess. “I made a lifetime promise before I even knew what that meant. You find out later what real commitment is when you have a baby, bills, endless diapers, all on precious little sleep. When you feel like you’re walking right back out the door only moments after you walked in. When you miss your daughter’s first words and steps. It wore on both of us, and we both realized, although we never said it out loud, that we made a mistake.”
He cleared his thick throat and tried not to let the memories drag him back. “But Morgan, my daughter, she was never a mistake. Staying in a loveless marriage was. I should have said something. Instead, I avoided the hard conversation and left for another six-month stint.”
His sinuses burned, and his eyes filled with tears that he fought to keep from falling. “The next time I talked to my daughter, I found out my wife had convinced her that I didn’t want them anymore. God, the way she cried,” he choked on the words. “I never got to reassure her before the phone went dead. I tried for hours to reach them.”
He knew he was squeezing her too hard. He clenched the back of her dress in his hands, desperately holding on to the moment while his past wove in dark tentacles around him, tugging at his spirit, his soul, haunting him.
“Hold me tighter. Please,” he begged in a broken whisper against her neck as the tears broke free.
The first one splattered on her skin, and he kissed it away.
She leaned into him, her small body tucked against his, holding him together as he splintered into jagged, imperfect pieces before her.
“Three hours later, Sarah finally answered. The man she’d moved on with without even telling me raged at them in the background. Morgan cried and whimpered from the backseat. I needed to make sure she knew that I loved her no matter what happened to me and her mom. I just needed a few more minutes—but Sarah screamed, the car crashed…” He struggled to drag in a ragged breath. He’d suffocate from despair if he said it. He was sure of it.
“I’m with you, Doc. I’m not letting you go,” her own voice thick with tears. “Never letting you go,” she said, brushing her lips along his jaw.
He closed his eyes against the memories, the pain, and buried his face against her neck. “My little girl died that night thinking I didn’t love her, and it’s all my fault.” His shoulders shook as it poured out of him. The admission sliced away at every shred of pride he’d managed to stitch together in the decade since he stood over her tiny casket wishing God would strike him down right there so he could go to her grave with her.
Anger at himself, at Sarah, at God—it robbed him of every ounce of self-respect he’d mustered over the years, and the minute Laramie landed in his life, he knew he was being given a second chance, and all he had to do was trust that he’d learned the lessons he needed to in order to not screw it up this time.
He didn’t want to accept it. But even as he fought the truth, he spent every night sleeping in that chair in the corner of her room. He dared to hold her hand when there was no one there to see. He asked her why she had stayed with a man who abused her even though she couldn’t answer, hoping that maybe he’d get a glimpse into why Sarah had done something so reckless.
And that moment when Harmony crawled into his lap, he knew forgiving himself meant he’d have to accept the pain.
He surrendered to it now while holding the only person he trusted—or was she holding him? The anguish that had been lodged there all this time, pinned under the weight of endless hours of cures and care for others, it broke free, swelled in the heart of him, clutching at him, but he held her tighter, refusing to give it power anymore.
“She knows now, Doc. I promise you she knows,” she whispered, her fingers threading through his hair.
He shuddered, and the band constricting his chest eased. Not because Laramie firmly believed his daughter knew the truth, but because despite everything he’d confessed, she still stood here holding on to him.
He pulled back far enough to prop his forehead against hers. “I haven’t loved anyone since, Laramie. Not until you and I don’t know what to do with it.”
Tears ran down her cheeks and disappeared under the curve of her jaw. “Let me love you right back,” she said with a rough breath. Biting her lip, she sniffled.
“I have no business making you and Harmony mine.” He caught it with his thumb, and it popped out from between her teeth.
Their chests heaved against one another, the air growing thick around them, their ragged breathing mingling in the intimate space between them.
He planned to ask her if she was sure, but the time had come to stop second-guessing everything and trust.
He loved her.
She loved him.
The power of acceptance filled him up, and he kissed her. He poured all of it into tasting her, the fear, pain, rebirth, every last emotion that speared through his heart flowed from him and into her in a tangle of lips, tongues, hands, and arms.
Her head fell back, and he dove for the delicate skin of her neck, eliciting a sigh of surrender from her. Blood pounded through his veins as he licked and nipped at her, and the minute her arms wrapped around his neck, he lifted her clean off her feet.
It had been ten years sin
Cupping her soft thighs in his palms, he carried her into his room, stopping at the foot of his bed, and lowered her onto the mattress.
Eyes locked on hers, he fisted the back of his T-shirt and dragged it over his head. Hooking his thumbs around his waistband, he shed his pants and underwear next.
Her gaze ran over every inch of him. She tilted her head and ran her fingertips down his chest. Watching her, the way she studied him, he fought off an unexpected wave of self-consciousness even as he leaned into her touch.
Would she care that fourteen years separated them? That he’d hit his fiftieth birthday years before she ever considered facing turning forty?
A small secret smile women had perfected over the course of thousands of years tugged at the corners of her pink lips, chasing away the insecurity, leaving raw hunger in its wake.
Eyes on his, her hand fell away, and she grasped the edges of her dress and pulled it over her head. With a quick tug, the hair elastic went next and that honey-spun golden hair of hers fell in gentle waves around her shoulders.
Dropping to his knees, he reached for her, his thumb sliding over her soft belly as he cupped her hip. “It’s been a really long time for me.”
“I’ll be gentle.” She cupped his cheek, the blanket of sadness that suffocated them earlier sliding away as Laramie infused her flirty humor once again.
Although he loved that about her, right now, he wanted to see the desire light in her eyes. He wanted to know that she was right there with him every step of the way. Neither of their pasts within these walls to mar their first time.
Standing once again, he cupped her neck, nudged her chin, tilting it at that arrogant angle. Her eyes narrowed into slits so she could watch him. Holding her there, he traced his index finger along her collarbone and watched as goosebumps rose in the wake of his touch.
“So responsive,” he murmured as he caressed the curve of her breast, brushing over her hard nipple.
Her lips parted on a gasp, and her wet tongue darted out moistening her bottom lip.
He continued trailing over the soft skin of her belly, the faint white stretchmarks a testament to her strength and to the life she gave—a life she’d never stopped protecting.
Her gaze followed him, even as he rose to his feet, his thumb grazing over her exposed throat as he slid his hand past the waistband of her panties and found that wet heat at the heart of her.
Clenching his teeth, he closed his eyes and explored her. A hungry growl tore from his throat, and she answered by spreading her legs wider for him.
Her eyes glossed over, and her half-lidded stare locked on him, her back bowing as he slid a finger into her. Fists locked on the comforter under her, she groaned the minute he circled his thumb around that tight bundle of nerves swollen at the heart of her.
Over and over he played with her until her hips rolled with him, her thrusts begging him to go faster, begging him for so much more.
Throbbing and impatient, he pulled his hand away, cupped her ass, and shifted her higher up on the bed. Tugging her underwear free, he stared down at her as his heart raced wildly in his chest, and the ache to be inside her grew to the point of pain.
He crawled between her legs, leaving a trail of kisses along her belly and between her breasts. He only stopped when they were mouth to mouth. Cupping her jaw, he kissed her, swallowing her gasp as he slid all the way inside.
His eyes rolled back into his head, and he growled into her mouth, freezing until he gained control.
“No,” she whispered, breaking her mouth away from his and digging her nails into his arms. “Give me everything.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t,” she said, her pleading eyes on his. “Please.”
He nodded but didn’t turn away. Instead, he memorized the emotions that played in her eyes as he teased them both with long, slow strokes.
He’d never regret waiting for her. The years he spent alone, and aching, all of them were stepping stones to this woman who showed him unconditional support even in the wake of showing her the worst sides of himself. He’d spend the rest of his lifetime earning her, cherishing her, making sure she knew how much she awed him with her strength and humility.
Thrusting harder, deeper, he brushed over the heart of her as their urgency grew. He poured everything into her until her muscled locked on to him and she cried out, her eyes glassy and bright as her release rocked her to the core. Then and only then did he grasp her hips with both hands and finally let his restraint snap.
His fingers, white with the strength he used to drag her hips onto his furious thrusts, would leave bruises, but the look of pure female power on her face told him it was okay. She wouldn’t break. She’d never break.
His release burned through him, and just as he poured himself into her, she locked on him again, milking him, taking everything he had with her back bowed, her breasts high and round, and the tendons in her neck hard as she took her pleasure once again.
Their gasping breaths synced until they breathed together once again. He smoothed the hair away from her face and kissed her mouth, slow and sweet, eager to hear her sighs.
Ducking into the bathroom, he grabbed a warm washcloth and gently cleaned the folds between her legs. Tossing the cloth into the hamper, he settled her into bed with him.
They lay there on their sides, bodies pressed together and facing one another. Lacing his fingers with hers, he brought her hand to his lips. He swallowed hard, his eyes burning with the emotions colliding there. “I’ll go to my grave loving you, Laramie.”
“We’ve both been waiting a long time to live, Doc,” she said in a jagged whisper. “So I’m counting on you to not go to your grave anytime soon.”
Chapter 17
“We’ve had a change of plans—” Lucas said, his words cutting short the minute he walked in on the two of them.
Xavier drew back from Laramie and smiled down at her. “What’s up?” he asked, lacing her fingers with his and turning to Lucas.
“I still don’t know how I feel about you two,” Lucas muttered.
“I still don’t care,” Laramie said right back.
“What’s the change?” Xavier asked, getting Lucas back on track and taking the words for what they were—mutterings of a disgruntled older brother, and nothing more. What would piss Xavier off was if Lucas didn’t give a shit at all.
They all had changes to get used to and a lot of questions looming in the future, even if everything went right. Laramie wasn’t even close to being out of the center. Harmony would at some point need re-evaluation for the cochlear implants, and as long as Laramie was agreeable, they’d get the process going. While hearing would open up Harmony’s world, she’d need speech therapy, and they still needed to tap into her trauma while they made the transition. It was bound to be messy, and there would be setbacks, all while he and Laramie figured out how fast to take this.
Despite her apology last night for pushing him, a completely unnecessary apology, she’d go her speed, dragging him right along until he figured out how to keep up.
And that might be just what he needed.
“Tex changed the meeting with Harland to here. He was supposed to be here half an hour ago, and Tex can’t reach him.” Lucas jutted his chin at Laramie. “I’m assuming you filled her in.”
“I did.” Knowing what was coming today, they should have gotten more sleep, but they didn’t. He’d told her about the briefing with Dylan and his crew, about how they lost Caine, and when fear drifted into her eyes, he’d distracted her by making love to her again, only this time so much slower, leaving no part of her unexplored.
She’d crawled out of his bed early that morning after only a handful of hours to sleep in order to make it home before Cora brought Harmony back, and dammit, with a new patient checked in last night and him being on rotation this morning to do her assessment, this was the first minute he had to get his hands on her again.
“The team is all here. We need to talk about what we’re going to do if…” Lucas said, his words trailing off before he could say what neither of them wanted to consider.
As he thought when he’d talked to them the day before, the odds of him not having to watch Laramie walk into the fray just plummeted. “Lucas,” he said, swallowing hard, not knowing what to say next.
“We’re just talking about plan B. That’s it. Just talking,” Lucas said with a resolve that told Xavier that not only was he trying to convince him, but also himself. Lucas ducked back out, quietly closing the door, giving them a moment of privacy.
“It’s selfish, but I don’t want you to go,” he said, wrapping his arms around her.
“It’s only a possibility. We knew this might happen. I know this Tex guy is nervous, but it’s not that unusual to be a half hour late. It’s only thirty minutes. He could have had car trouble, run into traffic, and maybe he didn’t have the signal to call, or he didn’t want to take the chance.”
She cupped his cheek and raised up on her tiptoes and kissed his chin. “There’s nothing to worry about until we know there’s something to worry about. I’m not scared. This is almost over, and right now, that’s enough. Now, come on. I want to see these SEALs for myself.”
“Former SEALs,” he muttered.
She took his hand and opened the door. “You think that matters?”
No, actually it probably didn’t.
Hand in hand, they walked into conference room B. For a moment, Xavier hovered between this life and where it all began. He’d never had to look the two parallels in the eye before in quite this way, but then, he’d never had so many former military in one room, all of them in various stages of checking their gear and weapons.
A flush of adrenaline coursed through him. He didn’t fight it and instead let it settle inside, pumping through his blood, whisking away all the what-ifs and focusing on what they needed to do.
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