The Trouble With Paper Planes

by Amanda Dick

  I was a black hole, a star frozen at the point of collapse. I couldn’t go back, yet I couldn’t seem to move on, either.

  Beneath the photos lay two unused airline tickets and her passport. Tickets to another life, another adventure, but ultimately not the one destiny had chosen for us. How very different things would have been if we’d been given the chance to use them. Where would we be now, if she was still here?

  “Happy birthday,” I whispered.

  The words hung in the air around me, as if waiting for a response, before the silence finally gathered them up.

  Guilt rose up from the depths of my soul. Too drunk and too weak to fight it off this time, I let it come.

  I’ve failed her.

  Somewhere along the line, I’d let her down. Somewhere out there, she was waiting for me to find her.

  JUST BEFORE SUNRISE, we made our way together down the path at the end of the small cul-de-sac and down onto the grass above the beach.

  This was Emily’s day, too.

  We were all tucked away inside ourselves, together in body, but alone with our memories of her. The seagulls overhead filled the silence with white noise, seamlessly blending with the sound of the crashing waves. There, but not there.

  That’s how I felt, too, especially after last night. My body was here, but in my head, I was with Em, wherever she was.

  She was laughing, we were all singing happy birthday, and then she blew out candles, picking them out of the cake and sucking the icing off the bottom with a cheeky grin.

  Probably just the hangover, messing with my head, but I found myself wondering how we came to all be here, at this point. How did it come to this? Celebrating another birthday without her. Another year with no card, no presents, no cake. I was another year older without her.

  I was twenty-three when she disappeared. What did I know, about anything? Now I was twenty-eight and I felt like an old man. This wasn’t the plan. In our alternate universe, we had spent two years travelling in Europe, maybe gone back to London for a year, travelled through America on our way home and been back here in New Zealand for a year or so, contemplating our next move. Maybe we got married. Maybe I proposed to her in Italy, over candlelight, at sunset, both of us full of cheap local wine. Maybe we had a kid by now – kids, even. She would’ve been a great mother. Bridget would’ve been a grandmother, Henry a great-grandfather, Alex and Vinnie uncles. Maybe our kids and Vinnie and Jas’s would’ve grown up together, side by side. Maybe our little family would’ve been doubled.

  I looked up at Alex now, as we filed towards the rocks at the end of the grass path in silence. Alex, as he was five years ago, would’ve been a great uncle. Fun, relaxed, caring. Not now, though. Now, he had that permanent black cloud hovering over him.

  Vinnie’s hand on my shoulder brought me back down to earth again. He didn’t have to say anything. He just wanted me to know he was there, right behind me, right where he’d always been. He’d dragged me back from hell more than once. He’d kicked my ass a few times too, when I really needed it. He’d given me his spare room when the ghosts in my own house wouldn’t let me sleep.

  We traipsed along the grass track until the only way forward was over the rocks. Henry wasn’t that surefooted, and as Jas put it ‘I can’t even see my feet anymore.’ So we stood where the grass met the rocky foreshore, and watched the sun come up. Me, Bridget, Henry, Vinnie, Jas and Alex.

  I draped my arm around Bridget’s shoulders. I could feel her trembling, the grief seeping out of her and into me, mingling with my own until I couldn’t tell the difference. Henry put his arm around her waist and we three stood there, watching the waves. Alex stood alone, hands in the pockets of his jeans. Henry reached out for him, but he ignored him. That was his thing now. He kept everyone at arm’s length.

  Vinnie and Jas had their arms around each other. I realised, with a suddenness that jolts you from deep inside, that his birthday would always be entwined with hers, no matter what. Joy always laced with heartache. It wasn’t right, but he had already accepted it with a maturity that still had the capacity to surprise me. I was the one late to the party, too busy wallowing to see it.

  From beside me, Bridget recited the Lord’s Prayer in a shaky voice, the only time I’d ever heard anything remotely religious come from her. It’s funny, who or what you turn to in times of great sorrow. If it gave her comfort, I was all for it. She deserved it. I wished I could find something that would do the same for me.

  As the sun rose in the sky, like a great golden ball being pushed up from inside the earth, a new day dawned. It seemed to defy gravity. I had the sense that the sun was standing still, and I was falling. The longer I looked at it, the more real it felt. Like an optical illusion, my eyes playing tricks on me.

  “Amen,” Bridget murmured.

  Alex began to walk away, but Henry called him back. Alex turned to us, his face etched with pain, his blonde, scraggy hair hanging limply around his face. Had he even slept at all last night? He looked worse than I felt.

  “Stay,” Bridget begged, reaching out to him.

  He shook her off – literally. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with any of us, yet he was here. I presumed it was for her, for Bridget, but he obviously had his limits. It was radiating from him; ‘I’m here, aren’t I?’

  It riled me, that attitude, especially after all she’d done for him. I wanted to grab him and shake him until he apologised.

  “Why?” he asked sullenly, hands still shoved deep into his pockets, shoulders hunched over. “You wanted me here and I came. It’s over now so I’m going.”

  “Come on Alex,” Vinnie said tightly. “Don’t be an asshole. She wants you to stay.”

  Alex fixed him with a solid stare that would’ve cut glass. “Who the hell said this had anything to do with you? You’re not even family.”

  “Watch it boy,” Henry warned. “They’re practically family and they have every right to be here. Besides which, your mother invited them.”

  “The big birthday celebration. Another year without her. Hip hip hooray.” Then he turned to me. My blood turned to ice. “For he’s a jolly good fellow.”

  “Back off Alex,” Vinnie snapped.

  I could feel the air change around us. It seemed charged with static electricity as he stared at me, through me. His eyes were cold, hard, accusing. I should say something. I should stick up for myself. I should.

  “How’d you sleep last night?” he asked me, throwing me off balance. He always made me feel so exposed. “I don’t know how you have the guts to even turn up here, year after bloody year. Don’t you even have a conscience?”

  “Alex!”

  Bridget was teetering, I could hear it in her voice. I could take this shit from him, but she couldn’t. Besides which, she didn’t deserve this. Maybe I did, but she didn’t.

  “You should watch your mouth.”

  He sneered at me, as if I was something he had just scraped off the bottom of his shoe. It was hard to believe we used to be friends, especially with the way he looked at me now.

  “Should I?” he spat. “Really? Who’s gonna make me? You?”

  God, I wanted to smack him. I had to tie my hands to my sides, but in my head, I’d jabbed him in the face once already.

  “Alex, it’s time you left,” Henry said, walking over to him and standing directly in front of him. “You’ve said enough.”

  “Geez, Pop. One minute she asks me to stay, the next you want me gone. Wish you people would make up your bloody minds.”

  “Alex, don’t. Please. Not today,” Bridget pleaded.

  I withdrew my arm from around her shoulder, and Vinnie bristled beside me.

  “You need to go,” I said, the words slipping out from between clenched teeth.

  “Why? Truth cutting a little too deep is it?” Alex said, his eyes holding mine.

  “I’m not the one being an asshole.”

  I didn’t even have time to react before he hit me. Truthfully, I never even
saw it coming, it happened so fast. One minute Henry was between us, the next Alex hit me square in the jaw, knocking my feet out from under me. I landed on my ass, my teeth aching.

  I sat there, watching, as chaos erupted around me. Vinnie went for Alex, tackling him to the ground in front of me. Henry tried his best to break them up, but they both had fifty years on him and it showed.

  Still dazed, my jaw throbbing, I glanced up to see Maia, standing several metres away, by the entrance to the Whale Bay Reserve. She just stood there, watching the spectacle, before disappearing back up the path.

  I blinked. One minute she was there, the next she was gone. Was it even her? It looked like her, but I couldn’t be sure. Was I seeing things? Maybe he hit me harder than I thought. My ears were still ringing.

  “That’s enough!” Henry roared, in a voice I hadn’t heard since I was a kid.

  I glanced back at Vinnie and Alex. It seemed to have the desired effect. Vinnie rolled off him and staggered to his feet, wiping blood away from the corner of his mouth. Jas went to him immediately, checking him over, mumbling something under her breath.

  Bridget knelt down to see to Alex, but he brushed her off, scrambling to his feet and stalking away before any of us got a chance to say anything. She watched him for a moment, before turning to me.

  “Are you okay darling? I’m so sorry,” she croaked, close to tears.

  “I’m fine.” My jaw was still throbbing, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. “And it’s not your fault, either.”

  She helped me to my feet, and I let her. She touched my jaw, turning my face to the side so she could get a better look at me.

  “You should get some ice on that,” she said gently, sniffing. “Come back to the house. I have an ice pack in the freezer and some arnica in the cupboard.”

  I brushed her off gently, giving her a brief hug instead. “I’m fine. I need to go home, have some breakfast, get ready for work. But thanks.”

  “Sure you’re okay, bro?” Vinnie asked.

  “No worse off than you.” I tried to smile, shrugging. He didn’t look too bad, and I knew he could handle himself. And, secretly, I was hoping he got a few good punches in while they were down there. “I’m gonna go back to the car. I’ll meet you guys there, okay.”

  I didn’t wait, heading off towards the steps back up to the street. I needed a few minutes to get my head together. If Alex was still there, there were a few things I had wanted to say to him while we were alone. Unfortunately, once I reached the top of the steps and looked up along the road to where Alex had parked his car, it had gone.

  I rubbed my jaw tentatively.

  Happy birthday, Em.

  THAT NIGHT, I STOOD near the window of the café, taking in the scene. Bridget, Jas and Maia had really gone to town, dressing up the café like we were in some kind of sci-fi B-movie.

  Hundreds of dark blue fairy lights were draped across the ceiling and down the walls, covering the windows and lending a surreal atmosphere to the room. The floor had been cleared of most of the tables, except for the feature surfboard table in the middle of the room that was acting like a buffet table tonight, and a few smaller tables that hugged the outside of the room. Large black balls, made from what looked like scrunched up tissue paper, hung from the ceiling at varying levels, like planets. The whole effect was bizarre, yet strangely relaxing. Definitely not my cup of tea, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t my party, it was Vinnie’s, and he looked like he was enjoying himself. This was going to get messy. Very messy.

  I took another sip of beer, ignoring the dull ache in my jaw from this morning’s little altercation with Alex. Food was piled onto the surfboard table in the centre of the room, with the usual suspects hovering around it. Jasmine was in her element, playing the perfect hostess, full of smiles and working the room like a pro. Even eight and a half months pregnant, and after spending a couple of hours helping Bridget and Maia set this whole thing up, she still looked relaxed and radiant. She seemed to make people feel at ease without even trying. It was her gift, one she and Em had shared.

  She was dressed as a ballerina, her pink leotard showing off her sizable belly, with a matching pink tutu worn low around her hips. She usually wore loose clothing, and it was the first time I’d really seen her baby bump. She looked distorted, like she’d swallowed a basketball. It was a bit of an eye-opener, yet somehow, she still managed to look cute.

  I watched her for several minutes, drinking my beer as she flitted through the assembled crowd. A smile here, a laugh there. She had hidden it pretty well, but then I knew her better than most. She caught my eye just then, and her unspoken request lodged in my brain.

  For Vinnie. If I can do it, you can do it.

  I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile, and she smiled back, then turned her attention to the small group she was with.

  I sought out the birthday boy amongst the crowd of fifty or so people, resplendent in his Batman t-shirt and black jeans. The mask hadn’t lasted long, now hanging loosely around his neck, held on by the thin piece of elastic. God knows who had thought of the theme – ‘What I Want To Be When I Grow Up.’ A nod, no doubt, to Vinnie’s newly acquired milestone age. Even when we were kids, Vinnie had been a Batman freak, running around the back yard with a black cape and a mask not too dissimilar from the one that now hung around the back of his neck.

  Not me, though – I was drawn more towards Spiderman. The freak, the outcast, the loner. That was exactly how I felt, right up until Em and I had begun dating. She had shown me that it was okay to be myself. More than that, she had shown me that she loved me for it. Four years of learning what it meant to love and to be loved for who you are, not who you were expected to be, and then it was gone. She was gone.

  I took another swig of beer, actively searching for a distraction. I didn’t want to wallow. I’d allowed myself that last night, for all the good it did me. Tonight wasn’t about me or Em, it was about Vinnie.

  “So,” Marlow said, wandering over to me with a grin. “Where’s this new chick? Can’t see her anywhere.”

  “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Someone probably warned her about you and she gapped it.”

  He clapped a hand over his heart, wincing. “Dude. Low blow.”

  I grinned, my first real smile of the evening. “You can stand down. She’s not even your type. She’s a brunette.”

  He sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging. “Ah well. The search continues.”

  Marlow’s obsession with busty blondes was legendary. He drained his beer and belched loudly.

  “I need another drink,” he announced. “Want one?”

  I raised my half-empty beer bottle at him and jiggled it. “Nah, I’m good.”

  “Suit yourself,” he wandered off, and I saw him detour to the buffet table. “Whoa, are those what I think they are?”

  I smiled, taking another sip of beer. I could always rely on Marlow to lighten the mood. I spotted Joel on the other side of the room, deep in conversation. He glanced over and I raised my beer at him in greeting. He returned the gesture and went back to his story. Everyone seemed to have somewhere to be, someone to talk to. I should be sociable, make an effort, but I wasn’t feeling it.

  What I was feeling was annoyed. I wiggled my toes inside my shiny black loafers. Shoes had been a mistake. I should’ve come barefoot, costume be damned. I glanced around the room, searching out Bridget. Finally, I found her, talking to Maia in the doorway to the kitchen.

  Bridget wore a long, flowing dress and had a guitar strapped to her back. Maia was the only one at the party not dressed in costume. She wore a long white, tiered cotton skirt and white lace-trimmed singlet. In this light, she looked ethereal, like something out of a dream, and I couldn’t help but stare at her, although I’d been actively avoiding her until now.

  I didn’t know what to make of her. Her obvious physical similarity to Em disturbed me, but watching her from a distance, that was where the similarity ended. Em had been con
fident, sure of herself, the life and soul of the party. By comparison, Maia seemed kind of lost, just as Bridget had said yesterday. As if she wasn’t sure she should be here. I found myself feeling sorry for her.

  Jas floated over to join their conversation. She rubbed her pregnant belly, rolled her eyes and they all laughed. I couldn’t hear what was being said above the music, but I could see that Maia was beginning to unwind and relax a bit more. After a few minutes, Jas flitted away and it was just the two of them again.

  Bridget caught my eye, then beckoned to me. Maia smiled, and my stomach suddenly nosedived. Any sympathy I’d been feeling for her went out the window. I snapped instantly back into self-preservation mode as I slowly made my way through the crowd, behind the counter and into the kitchen. I was suddenly acutely aware of my costume choice.

  “Come on, Agent Kay,” Bridget laughed, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer.

  “It’s Jay – Kay was Tommy Lee Jones. Jay was Will Smith,” I said, as they openly studied my ‘costume.’

  I was wearing my so-called ‘funeral suit’ – black and far too hot for this time of year – with a white shirt and black tie. Perfect ‘Men in Black’ attire, complete with a toy gun tucked into my jacket pocket. It was an easy costume, but not a particularly inspired one. Regardless, I had thought it showed commitment to the party, and to Vinnie.

  Under scrutiny like that, though, I felt like an idiot. I also felt gipped. Jas had insisted I make an effort, yet Vinnie had somehow gotten away with black jeans, a plastic mask and a Batman t-shirt? Lucky bastard.