The Trouble With Paper Planes

by Amanda Dick

  “It doesn’t feel wrong to me, either,” she whispered into my shoulder.

  I took that as a yes-please and pulled her tighter, my heart so full, it felt like it might burst. I had no idea what was happening between us, but I had the distinct impression that whatever it was, it was out of our hands.

  I LAY IN BED THAT NIGHT, wide awake. I stared at the ceiling, counted sheep and tossed and turned. The one thing I couldn’t do was sleep.

  How the hell could I still miss Em as much as I did, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about Maia?

  I’d said the offer didn’t come with any conditions or expectations – and at the time, I thought I meant it. But now, at night, with the house quiet and dark, and Maia so close yet so far from me, it felt like a lie. I didn’t want her down the hall. I wanted her right there, in my bed, beside me. The realisation hit me like a freight train.

  Was it even possible to love two women at the same time?

  One thing was for sure – I loved Maia. I’m not sure how long I’d known it or whether she felt the same, but it was no good lying to myself about it anymore. I’d fallen hard and fast for her – really fast. I’d told myself that we barely knew each other. I’d told myself that I wasn’t ready. I’d told myself a thousand other things, but in the end I couldn’t find a single valid reason to back off. She had me, one hundred percent.

  I lay there, trying to imagine how I’d feel if I woke up to find her gone. That’s when I knew. I knew, in the way your heart knows before your head realises, that if she left now, it would hurt like hell.

  They say falling in love takes time, but I call bullshit on that. It takes guts. It can happen in a moment – a single heartbeat, even – but to hand someone the key to your happiness is the most courageous move you’ll ever make. You’re giving them the power to utterly destroy you, and you don’t even know you’re doing it. I think that’s the most frightening part. By the time you realise what’s happened, it’s too late. You’re already in over your head.

  So now what?

  We’d spent the evening talking and listening to music. The outside world ceased to exist, shrinking until it was just the two of us, sitting on my couch, in my living room, in the near-dark. I could’ve stayed up all night, adrenaline coursing through me at first, then settling into a dull buzz, like a hum of anticipation at what was to follow. Honestly, I didn’t care what came next. I just wanted to be with her.

  I kissed her again, just once. I know I could’ve kissed her more than once, but I wanted to slow things down a bit, to regain some semblance of control over this situation we’d found ourselves in, this juggernaut that was gaining momentum. I wanted her to be comfortable. I’d pulled her into my lap, and she’d settled in as if she belonged there. She caressed the short hair at the nape of my neck, sending spikes of electricity shooting through me until I had to pull away. I don’t think she had any idea how much self-control that had taken.

  Unlike Em, Maia had to be goaded into talking about herself. She was reluctant, evasive even. I got the feeling that she didn’t let just anyone in, and I liked that she was lowering her defences for me, even if it was slowly. I was prepared to wait as long as it took for her to open up to me. We had all the time in the world.

  I’d expected her to put up a fight when I suggested moving into the spare room, yet she had literally melted into my arms as soon as I mentioned it. It mystified me, but also served up a huge helping of relief. At least with me, she’d be safe. No need for me to worry about where she was spending the night.

  I don’t know what time I eventually dozed off, but when I woke up the sun was just rising. I could tell by the pale golden light behind my bedroom curtains, the ones I’d spent most of the night staring at. The house was quiet. I poked my head out of the bedroom and looked down the hall. The spare room door was open. I crept further. The bed had been remade and a sense of crushing disappointment engulfed me. Where was she?

  Walking into the living room, my heart-rate spiked when I saw her sitting outside on the balcony, her back to me.

  Thank God. I was beginning to think last night had just been a figment of my imagination.

  I smiled to myself on my way back to the bathroom. I felt like a kid at Christmas, anxious to get into the living room and unwrap my new gift.

  When I came out of the bathroom, I briefly thought about throwing a t-shirt on over the top of my shorts, but recklessly decided not to. I had a perpetual tan, thanks to a combination of working outdoors all year round and spending my spare time surfing, and I was in good shape. She seemed to have liked what she saw at the beach. Maybe a little reminder was in order. The thought made me feel decidedly smug.

  I walked through the living room and out onto the deck. She looked up and smiled. One of those smiles that made me forget what I was going to say. I didn’t feel so smug anymore.

  “Morning,” she said, her eyes flicking over my bare chest.

  I hunkered down beside her, giving the sunrise over the harbour a quick once-over while I gathered myself together. As if anything could be as beautiful as she was at this moment.

  “Good morning,” I said, turning back to her. “Did you sleep alright?”

  She nodded. “You?”

  I nodded too, hoping I wouldn’t get struck down by lightning. I was just about to stand up and head back to the kitchen when her gaze flitted ever so briefly to my lips. It was a silent request, but it rang in my head as if through some kind of telepathic loudhailer. She wanted to kiss me. I happily obliged, leaning forward to plant a sweet, soft kiss on her lips. She tasted like coffee and toothpaste. My new favourite combination.

  Last night came flooding back. Talking. Laughing. Kissing. Wanting.

  I withdrew, smiling lazily. This was the absolute best way to start the day. Any day.

  “I’m going to grab a coffee,” I murmured. “Do you need anything?”

  She shook her head, blushing slightly. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked back inside and made myself a cup of coffee. I glanced up as I stirred the milk in, and she was still watching. I smiled. Leaving the t-shirt off had been a good move.

  I walked back out onto the deck and pulled up the other deck chair closer to her, settling into it and taking a sip of my coffee.

  “Do you always get up so early?” I asked, turning to her.

  She sat on the chair, her knees pulled up, resting her coffee cup on the arm of the chair. She leant her head back against the head-rest.

  “I like the peace and quiet first thing in the morning. Feels like the day is still deciding what it’s going to be. Makes me feel special, being there when it does.”

  I don’t know how she did it, but she always seemed to turn the trivial on its head, making it feel spiritual. I could see why she and Bridget had clicked straight away. Like Bridget, she seemed like an old soul, someone who had been here before and who already had it all figured out. I was jealous.

  “I want you to come with me tomorrow,” I said, while the idea was still forming in my head. “I want to introduce you to someone.”

  She looked at me quizzically.

  “Em’s grandfather, Henry. He’s probably one of my most favourite people on the planet. I’d really like you to meet him.”

  She smiled. “Bridget’s Dad? The one with the sweet tooth?”

  “That’s not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of him,” I chuckled. “But yeah.”

  “I’d love to meet him. I’ve heard so much about him.”

  I grinned. “I think you’d really like him.”

  I reached over for her hand and she gave it up willingly. As we laced our fingers together, I felt like I was ten feet tall. Like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Like I had nothing to fear and everything to look forward to. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt that way.

  I took her into town after breakfast, and we checked her car. She had parked it on a side street the day before, only a few blocks from the café. She stuffed some clo
thes into a bag and I took her back to my place so she could get ready for work. Once we’d both showered and changed, I dropped her back at the café.

  I sat beside her, the truck’s engine idling, and held up a key.

  “Front door key,” I said, reaching out to take her hand, placing the key in it.

  “Thanks.”

  She smiled then, a smile that seemed to fly directly inside my chest, bypassing my ribs and alighting on my heart. I was struck by the familiarity of the sensation, like an echo of a song I’d heard somewhere before. The realisation temporarily stole my breath.

  Trying to drown out my own inner voice, I leaned over and kissed her, a little more deeply than I’d meant to. She kissed me back, as if she wanted to reassure me. When we slowly drew apart moments later, we were both breathless.

  “Why do you do that?” she breathed, her eyes holding mine.

  “Do what?”

  “Sometimes you kiss me as if you’re afraid I’m going to disappear.”

  I couldn’t think of a single word to say that would make any sense. How did she know? How could she know?

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered, reaching up to gently run her thumb across my eyebrow.

  The gesture was simple enough, yet it sent a shiver through me that almost stopped my heart. Em used to do that, and it used to drive me wild. Just like it was doing now.

  “Maybe because sometimes I feel like this is all too good to be true,” I murmured.

  Forcing the ghosts aside, I leaned forward to kiss her again, closing my eyes and inhaling the sweet scent of her. She didn’t need to speak. I could feel the urgency in her kiss, as if she felt the same way but was too afraid to say it out loud.

  It soothed me, knowing we were in agreement. Perhaps the shared wonder at what we had stumbled across was part of the magic.

  I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY thinking about that. Perhaps it was a mixture of magic, timing and fate, stepping in just when I’d given up. Some kind of cosmic cupid’s arrow, even. I wanted to laugh at the notion – at myself, for even thinking like that. I didn’t believe in that kind of thing.

  Did I?

  Maybe it wasn’t a matter of belief. Maybe it was a matter of experience. I had never had this happen to me before, so I had nothing to compare it to. Scepticism, born out of ignorance. Whatever it was, it felt real, and it was happening to me. To us.

  As I was finishing up for the day, my phone buzzed with an incoming text and I fished it out of my pocket. It was from Vinnie.

  ’Sup stranger?

  Sledgehammer subtle, as usual. He was right, though. I hadn’t spoken to him since his party on Friday night. I’d been so busy with Maia, I hadn’t even noticed. I felt a bit guilty, now. I swiped the text off the screen and called him back instead. He answered on the first ring.

  “Who is this?”

  “Yeah yeah, very funny,” I smiled.

  “Hello?”

  “Vin. You texted me, remember?”

  He chuckled. “So I did. How’s things?”

  “Great. You?”

  “Fine.” He paused for a moment. “You sound weird.”

  “Define weird.”

  “Happy. Not your usual self. Weird.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “Whatever.”

  “It’s Maia isn’t it?”

  The smile disappeared. “What? I mean, how –“

  He chuckled. “Bridget. She told Jas you were seeing a bit of her. I was just calling to find out which bit.”

  “Jesus, Vin… ”

  “What?”

  He was loving this, I could tell.

  “Let’s have dinner, or go for a drink. Jas spent some time with her setting up for the party, and she says she’s pretty cool, so she has the Jas seal of approval. I feel left out, though. I want to get to know her better, too – there are some things she should know, and being your big brother, it’s kinda my job to fill her in.” I could just imagine the kinds of stories he wanted to tell, and I was less than keen to subject Maia to that. “So, tonight?”

  “No bloody way!”

  “Why not?”

  “Because!”

  Him acting like a two-year-old was making me act like one, too.

  “Aw, come on. I’ll be on my best behaviour – promise. So will Jas. Please?”

  “Jas isn’t the one I’m worried about. She’s got class, unlike you.”

  He gasped dramatically. “Whoah! That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

  “Look, it’s way too soon for that. We just need a bit more time to, y’know, sort through some stuff. Trust me though, when she’s ready for this, you’ll be the first to know. Okay?”

  I wanted to keep Maia to myself for a little while longer. We were still figuring this thing out. Henry was one thing – I knew he wouldn’t embarrass me – but Vinnie was something else entirely. I needed to make sure Maia was able to handle his particular kind of ‘humour.’

  “Fine,” he huffed. “But meet me for a drink after work? If she’ll let you out unsupervised, that is.”

  I was torn. I wanted to spend the evening with Maia, but I needed to see Vinnie, too, to try and explain properly so he’d get off my back for a while.

  “Funny,” I said, without a trace of humour. “Yeah, okay. Just one though. I’ve got plans with Maia tonight and I don’t want to be late home and screw them up.”

  “Jeez, it must be serious,” he mumbled. “One beer. Hardly seems worth it, but okay. Because I miss you and because you never call anymore.” Sarcastic bastard. “What kind of plans?”

  “Picnic.”

  He started making kissing noises into the phone.

  “I’m not doing this,” I sighed. “See you at the pub in an hour. I need to finish up here and get a shower.”

  He was still making kissing noises.

  “Vin?”

  He stopped. “Yeah, alright. See you there, Romeo.”

  I finished up and went home to shower. It’d been less than a week since I’d met Maia, yet it felt like my whole world had turned upside down. Hell, we were living together and I still knew bugger all about her. Still, I had plans to rectify that, hopefully tonight.

  I was planning on taking her on another picnic, this time to a different spot. I was going to show her all my favourite picnic spots, one after another. It’d be like a magical mystery tour of the area. She said she liked surprises.

  When I got to the café shortly afterward, I went to the back door, as had become my habit over the past week. The door from the kitchen into the delivery lane was open, and I poked my head in. Maia was standing with her back to me, at the counter, preparing food. Just the sight of her made my heart race. I crept up behind her, sliding my hands around her waist.

  “Oh!”

  I spun her around to face me, and her expression changed from shock to relief.

  “Oh my God!” she breathed, giving me a solid smack on the arm.

  “Sorry,” I lied, pulling her closer as she tried to shimmy out of my grasp.

  Within milliseconds, she’d given up the struggle and melted into my arms. She pulled back slightly and stared up at me, and suddenly whatever I was going to say to her vanished.

  “I’ve missed you,” I said instead.

  It was the truth. The day had seemed unbearably long. But now that she was in my arms again, I felt like the whole evening stretched out in front of us. Her body sighed as she looked up at me, her eyes lit with a raging fire from within.

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  Seeing that look in her eyes sent a flash of realisation roaring through me. I was through trying to figure out what was happening between us. I was over it – I didn’t care anymore. Some things just defied logic and explanation and that was just the way it was sometimes. I bent down to kiss her, pulling her even closer. She seemed to fit, our bodies blending into each other like it was second nature already.

  “Ahem.”

  I looked up to see Bridget standing in the doorw
ay to the café, smiling. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I said, backing away from Maia like a teenager caught red-handed.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “Its fine,” Maia said quickly, turning her back on me as she resumed her work.

  I stared at the back of her head, clearing my throat and taking another step backwards. “I just came by to say hi.”

  “Is that all you came by for?” Bridget smiled, winking so fast I wondered if I was seeing things.

  I nodded. I had no reason to feel guilty, yet I did anyway.

  “Do you want a coffee while you’re here?” she asked, still smiling, clearly enjoying my discomfort.

  “No, thanks though. I was just on my way to catch up with Vinnie.”

  “Ah. I see. Well, I’ll let you get on, then.”

  With that, she turned and left us alone again.

  I doubled over with relief and Maia tried her best to stifle a giggle.

  “Jesus,” I breathed, standing up straight again. “Awkward or what?”

  She grinned at me and grabbed my arm, throwing it around her shoulder as she snuggled close to me again. “She didn’t seem upset.”

  No, she didn’t. I glanced down at her. There was no other way to describe it. She was glowing.

  “I’m going to meet Vinnie for a beer. I’ll see you at home after work?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ve got plans for us tonight, for dinner,” I added. “Think you can handle that?”

  She nodded and reached up to kiss me. It was the first time she had made a move on me and it made me deliriously happy.

  I SAT ACROSS FROM Vinnie in the pub, trying hard not to smile.

  “Come on,” he grinned eagerly. “I’m your brother. Your only brother. You can tell me. Yes or no?”

  I shook my head and took another sip of beer before putting the glass back down on the table. “Not kissing and telling.”

  “Ah, so there’s been kissing! Way to go, little bro!”

  I grinned back at him. “You’re acting like a two-year-old again.”

  “Am not!”

  I shook my head, refusing to be drawn – partly because it was fun to watch him suffer. It was rare that I had any secrets from Vinnie. Partly because I just wasn’t sure he’d get it. His courtship, if you could even call it that, with Jas, was a long, drawn-out affair. They were one of those ‘on-again, off-again’ couples for a long time, until they settled into each other. He was a confirmed bachelor, and she was headstrong. She made him fight for her, which I completely understood, knowing him as I did.