And Then There Was Her

by Tagan Shepard

Instead of explaining the vase, she stuck with explaining the carving. Before she even told CS her vision of the vines growing up the trellis, she’d already spotted the theme. Of course she had. If anyone knew the way grapevines grew, it was CS. More importantly, if anyone knew the way Madison’s artistic mind worked, it was CS.

  That was the real miracle of this whole thing, whatever it had been and whatever it was. More than anyone else in her life, CS understood and appreciated Madison’s art. The night CS showed her the amphora she’d bought, the two of them lay in bed for hours talking about it. Going over every little detail of the piece like they were in a museum. Only it was Madison’s piece they were talking about. The same way they’d talked about CS’s wine while tasting and wandering through the vineyard together.

  Maybe this was something other artists had with the people in their lives, but it was brand new to Madison. Even Jada, while she appreciated the aesthetic of the work, always had a mercantile eye. She was, after all, an art dealer. She wasn’t looking at a piece for its intrinsic value as much as its monetary value. Robert had always been proud of her work, but he wasn’t versed in art. He liked it because she made it, just like the macaroni art she brought home from kindergarten. Kacey, who could go on for thirty minutes about the choice of arugula over frisée, rarely saw her work as anything more than objects either in her way or standing between the two of them going out for drinks.

  CS was different. CS looked at her work. Really looked at it.

  “Do you think…” Madison tried to form the question without thinking about her reasons for asking. “Can I have a few of Violet’s tail hairs?”

  CS stood, turning away from the vase finally and squaring her vivid blue stare on Madison. It made Madison’s whole body tingle.

  “Sure. Why?”

  “There’s a Navajo decorative technique I wanted to try.” Madison picked up the vase. “Burning horsehair into the pot leaves behind a carbon tracing of the hair. Like black chalk lines. It’s really pretty.”

  “I’ll collect some tonight when I groom her.”

  Madison slid the curtain into place, closing the vase back onto the drying shelf and out of sight. She’d made a unity vase reminiscent of Minerva Hills even as Jada was working to remove her from this place. She was going to burn CS’s horse’s hair into a wedding vase. There were so many dangers here she couldn’t begin to name them, but she convinced herself that she’d shut them away behind the curtain.

  “I’m sorry I interrupted your work.” CS’s voice was soft and low, the one she used when she was hesitant to ask for what she wanted. “We’ve both been busy and I just…needed to see you.”

  She was right, of course. They hadn’t seen each other much. Just each evening when they met for dinner and each night when they went to bed next to each other. Madison hadn’t gone out to walk the vines since she’d started work on this piece. She’d forced herself to stay in and work to have it done before she left. If she left.

  Madison looked at the film of pale golden dust covering CS from the toe of her boots to her sun-bleached hair. She wasn’t particularly hungry.

  “You are way too dirty to sit down in my house. Even at the lunch table.”

  “I could take a quick shower.”

  That was exactly the response Madison had sought. She took CS’s hand as she walked past.

  “I have a better idea.”

  Madison set the faucet on the soaking tub as high as it could go. The tub was massive, larger than some swimming pools, and with tiled steps leading up to it. It took a long time to fill, but that just gave her more time to undress CS. She started slowly, slipping her wide leather belt through one loop at a time. She treated herself to a long, slow kiss once the belt hit the floor, running her fingers through the coarse hair CS had trimmed close to her skull.

  She went to the buttons on CS’s shirt next, slipping each one free with a little pop. She kept her eyes locked on her task, eager for the moment when any hint of new flesh was revealed. Tugging the tail of CS’s shirt free from her jeans revealed the band of her underwear. CS wore boy shorts with legs long enough to highlight her well-muscled thighs. Madison imagined those thighs while she traced the brand name with her fingertip. CS shivered, the flat muscles of her abdomen contracting while Madison spelled Tomboy X on the fabric above them.

  Sliding CS’s shirt off, and with trembling hands, Madison caressed the bunched shoulder and chest muscles. She wanted to remember this skin. Burn it into her memory in case her chances were limited. CS leaned forward, trying to catch Madison in another kiss, but she dodged, still focused on CS’s shoulders. She laid a kiss on the ball of her shoulder, then another and another, working her way back toward her neck. She licked the skin there, tasting the salt of her sweat and sending earthquakes of desire through her own body. This skin. Wrapped over those muscles, wrapped over her bones and sinews and all the soft things inside. Soft skin wrapped around incredible strength.

  CS lifted her arms over her head to help Madison pull off her sports bra. All of her clothes were damp with sweat and caked with dirt, but Madison didn’t care. The sweat and dirt were as much a part of CS as the skin and bone.

  She knelt in front of CS to untie her boots, earning a soft groan from above her. CS kicked them off hurriedly, but Madison didn’t stand. Still on her knees, she went about the slow process of unbuttoning and unzipping CS’s pants.

  When CS surged forward, trying to wrap Madison in her arms, Madison put a firm hand against her chest, holding her back. She stepped far enough away so that the entire show would be visible before slowly stripping her own clothes off. CS was licking her lips by the time Madison was done, her eyes frantically dancing all over Madison’s body.

  Madison turned the water off, letting the last few, echoing drips hit the surface before taking CS’s hand and leading her into the tub. They stood, face-to-face in water lapping at their calves. Now that they were here, CS seemed uncharacteristically unsure of herself. It was up to Madison to press their bodies together, to draw CS into a lingering, promising kiss.

  Following Madison’s gentle persuasion, CS sat in the tub and Madison straddled her hips. Their lips never parted as their hands explored, finding again all the soft swells and sharp angles that constituted each other’s form. CS regained her confidence, directing the movement of Madison’s hips and slowing her when her eagerness took over.

  All doubt and worry melted the moment Madison touched CS’s skin. That was always CS’s effect on her. To make her feel perfectly at ease with a simple caress, a well-placed kiss. Sitting here, feeling the pleasure of CS’s touch and her calm, Madison wondered why she had ever thought she could or should leave this place.

  This was home.

  CS was home.

  The shrill ringing of her cell phone echoed from the floor of the bathroom, bouncing off the tile and water. Neither woman so much as blinked at the noise. The rising emotion in Madison and the thrill of CS’s attention was all she needed. CS became single-minded when they made love. She heard and saw nothing but Madison. The simplicity of that—the gift of this incredible woman’s full attention—made her redouble her efforts.

  Soon CS’s screams filled the bathroom, drowning out the second round of clattering beeps from the phone. Madison followed not far behind, her back arching and her wet hands squeaking as they fought for purchase on the rim of the bathtub. She slumped into CS’s arms, her joints rubbery and her muscles slow to release. CS held her tightly, silent as their heart rates slowed back to normal. Madison laid her hand on CS’s chest, wanting to feel the way she made this calm woman’s body take flight.

  “Someone really wants to talk to you.”

  “Hmm?” Madison grunted, but her phone chirped a barrage of sounds in answer to the question. A whistle indicating missed calls, a bell for voice mail and a honking horn for new text messages.

  “Want me to get it for you?”

  “No,” Madison answered firmly. “I don’t care. I’m exactly where
I want to be right now.”

  “Me too.”

  Madison felt the truth of those two words in every inch of CS’s skin. In the way she held Madison with a warm possessiveness that made Madison feel like she was the only woman in the world. That’s how CS made her feel. Like she was unique and precious.

  Madison peeled herself away from CS and settled back on her heels. She traced the lines of CS’s face, first with her eyes, then with her fingertip, dripping with cold bathwater. This face, with its square jaw and high cheekbones. She craved every inch of it. Loved the way little lines sprang out from the corners of her eyes and creased the space between her eyebrows. Smile lines showing a life well-lived.

  Though so much of the world saw wrinkles as ugliness, Madison saw the fine lines of age on CS and recognized the beauty of them. She wanted to see them every day. To learn which were highlighted when she laughed, which when she cried. She wanted to watch those lines deepen and catch new ones at the moment of creation.

  “I love you.”

  Madison hadn’t intended to say the words, but she meant them. She knew at the very center of her being that she meant them in a way she had never meant them before. She loved CS in a way she had never loved anyone before.

  “I love you too.”

  A simple statement of fact. A concise explanation. A few words said without flourish or excess in a way that was so entirely like CS. Yet, as Madison came to recognize early on in their friendship-turned-romance, when CS spoke a few simple words, they meant more than when others spoke for hours.

  She leaned forward, back into the arms of the woman she loved, and let her lips settle into the only place Madison ever wanted them to be again.

  Chapter Forty-one

  The horse hair burned into the pot perfectly, leaving the carbon ash behind as well as stains of smoke like clouds around streaks of lightning. Madison cried when she saw how well it had come out. She hadn’t actually believed it would work until she pulled the glowing pot out of the kiln with flameproof tongs and draped the first of the hair.

  That was yesterday, two days after she finished carving the vines and a day after she burnished the surface smooth. She was rushing the process, she knew. Risking the pot with her impatience. Any number of things could go wrong if she wasn’t careful, but she was determined now.

  Their afternoon in the tub had convinced Madison she and CS belonged together. She wasn’t leaving and she could do anything, even fire a pot when it was hovering on the edge of dry.

  Now she was glazing it, carefully applying a coat that was milky white but not so opaque as to cover the horsehair markings. The kiln was already warming, ready for the final fire that would make this piece of ceramic last for eternity.

  She was lowering the lid into place when she heard a knock at the front door. Setting the timer, she skipped out of the room. CS was now the only person at the vineyard who knocked on her door, and it was more of a game.

  “Perfect timing,” she shouted as she whipped the door open. “I just put my pot in to fire. If you’re really lucky, I’ll let you fuck me on the kitchen counter.”

  “No thanks. Samuel took me on all fours last night and I’m still sore as hell.”

  “Jada!”

  Madison launched herself into Jada’s arms. She hadn’t realized until seeing her now how much she’d missed her best friend. Phone calls were all well and good, but there was nothing like a hug from Jada.

  “Sorry about that,” Madison said with a laugh, closing the door behind them. “I thought you were CS.”

  “I gathered.”

  Jada was laughing along, but her demeanor was all business.

  “Uh-oh. I know that look.”

  “Get me a cup of coffee, Madison. We need to talk.”

  “It’s a couple hours old,” Madison said as she filled a matching pair of mugs. “I would have made fresh if I knew you were coming.”

  Jada eyed the barstools warily. “On second thought, let’s have that coffee on the deck. Now that I know the counter’s not safe.”

  The day was milder than most of the summer had been. It was almost cooler outside than it was in the cottage with the kiln firing away. They sat on loungers facing out over the lush vines and sipped their coffee in silence for a moment. Madison knew the peace wouldn’t last long, so she tried to start the conversation in as nonthreatening a way as possible.

  “What brings you to Oregon?”

  “I’m headed to Seattle for an exhibition. I left a day early to come talk some sense into you.”

  “Here we go.”

  “This could be your exhibition I’m preparing. Did you look at my client’s offer?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not leaving, Jada. I can’t.”

  “Do you have any idea what you’re turning your back on? There aren’t many patrons willing to sponsor an artist in this day and age, Madison. When you get an offer like this, you take it.”

  “I want to make my own work, not be at some rich guy’s beck and call.”

  “You will not be at his beck and call. You will be an artist with your own living space and attached studio.”

  “That he gets to show off to his friends.”

  “That he invites to parties where he entertains other very wealthy, well-connected collectors who like to buy art. Everyone wins, no one more so than you. He’s one of my best buyers and I trust his motives. A very good man. He’s offering it just to you because he loves your work.”

  “He loves the work I’m doing here. I don’t have to live in his mistress’s old bungalow to get his attention.”

  “Why are you doing this?” Jada set her coffee down with a clatter. “Why are you sabotaging your life? I know you’re heartbroken over Kacey, but you need to start making better decisions now.”

  “I’m not heartbroken. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s a relief to have Kacey out of my life. I was in love with CS long before she left. I’ll admit I thought I was broken for a long time.”

  “And then?”

  Madison shrugged and let her lips curl up at the thought of CS smiling in the fields or, better, smiling in her bed. “And then there was her.”

  “She’s hot, I’ll give you that, but this is…”

  “It has nothing to do with her being hot, Jada.”

  “What is it then?”

  “Look around you! Look at me!” She marched over to the end of the deck, indicating her whole life with a sweep of her arm. “I’m making the best work of my life. I feel more inspired than I ever thought possible. That’s because I’m here. In this vineyard.”

  “With CS.”

  “Yes, with CS. I couldn’t do this without her and I won’t hurt her, or me, by leaving.”

  “Darling, I say this because I couldn’t love you more if you were my own daughter.” Jada went over to Madison and took both her hands, holding on tight. “You moved to Minerva Hills for Kacey. Now you’re staying for CS. When are you going to do something for yourself?”

  She’d been so happy for so long, it shocked her how close her tears were to the surface. Like they’d been waiting at the corners of her eyes for something to go terribly wrong. Jada wasn’t wrong exactly. Madison knew that. She knew that she would already be arranging for clay deliveries in Denver if it weren’t for CS. She’d be selling her pieces to corporate offices and movie stars and she’d be drinking champagne at rooftop bars. She wouldn’t wake up to the sound of silence and the smell of horses.

  Madison crumpled onto the end of her chair, her face in her hands to soften her sobs. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Jada started rubbing her back, like a mother with a fussy toddler. “I know.”

  “I assume this is about me.”

  Half of Madison wanted to throw herself into CS’s arms the moment she heard her voice. The other half wanted to curl up into a ball of tears and make both of them go away. She settled for remaining where she was and crying harder.
/>
  “I’m sorry, CS.” Jada stopped rubbing Madison’s back, so she looked up to watch her friend walk confidently and square her shoulders in front of her girlfriend. “I like you, but I care about Madison too much to let her throw her dreams away.”

  CS nodded, her smile sad and ironic as she put as much distance between the two of them as she could without leaving the deck. She leaned against the railing, looking out over her own dream as she answered, “For what it’s worth, I agree with you.”

  Madison couldn’t have been more shocked. CS’s words cut into her like a hot knife. She’d thought CS had shared her moment of revelation in the tub, but clearly she hadn’t. The same woman who had told Madison she loved her was trying to send her away. Casting her off like vine cuttings at the end of the season. The betrayal of it stung. The fact that CS couldn’t or wouldn’t look at her stung even more.

  “The thing is, it’s not up to me and it’s not up to you.” CS turned back to stare hard at Jada. “Madison is the only one who can decide what to do, and we’ll both have to live with her decision and love her for it.”

  CS finally turned to Madison. She was like a warrior. An Amazon standing alone against an army. She didn’t waver at the thought of losing everything she loved, forcing herself to smile while everything fell apart around her. If she could be so strong, so selfless in a moment like this, why couldn’t Madison? She should see their relationship like CS did, like an annual reaching the end of its season with its flowers still at their peak. She could embrace the beauty of that if she tried. It would hurt, but she could do it.

  “It’s Monday,” CS said, the morning sun a halo behind her. “I’ve got a lot to do before my guests arrive tonight.”

  Madison saw the bottle then. The simple, light green glass with no label and the cork wedged in halfway. She stood up when CS held the bottle out, taking it in her hands and realizing what it was the moment she touched it. CS’s special blend. The barrels set aside for her masterpiece in a dark corner of the barrel room. A corner where everything started and everything ended.