The List

by B L Maxwell

  “No, I don’t have anyplace, but I’ll be fine. If I can use your dryer it would really help.”

  “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out,” I said, not sure what I was promising, but knowing there was no way in hell I was leaving him out in the rain with no shelter and soaking wet.

  He didn’t say another word as we drove the short distance to my place, and he never stopped shivering. I pulled the car into my parking space and sat there for a second.

  “It’s okay if you don’t trust me to let me in your house, I understand.” His voice so soft I strained to hear it above the sound of the raindrops pelting the roof of my car.

  “I don’t know you at all, but I don’t get the feeling you’d be a danger to me, but just know, I want to help you, but if you try to fuck me over, I won’t let that happen. I’ve worked too hard to get what I have.”

  He turned then and met my eyes. His were blue. “I understand, I won’t do anything to make you not trust me.”

  I stepped out of the car then and ran for my front door. When I was under the overhang, I turned to find Zane right behind me; he gave me a slight smile before ducking his head.

  “Come on, let’s get you warmed up.” I opened the door, and we both walked in. He didn’t move from the doorway, though, and gave me a look that said he didn’t know what to do next. I stood frozen staring at him, not really believing he was there. Then I snapped into motion and rushed down the hall to grab some towels for us. I tossed one at him, and we both dried off the worst of the drips. “The bathroom’s through that door, go ahead and shower, I’ll throw your clothes and blanket in the washer while you’re in there. They’ll be clean and dry in no time.” I expected an argument, but none came.

  He nodded and moved to the door before he turned and met my eyes. “Thank you again, Tommy.”

  As he walked into the bathroom, I realized he didn’t have any other clothes with him. I rushed to my room and gathered up some sweatpants and a shirt for him to wear. I walked back to the bathroom and knocked. “Here’s a change of clothes, I’ll just set them inside the door.” He didn’t answer, but the water was running so I took a chance and cracked the door open enough to slide the clothes in and set them on the floor.

  I walked back to my room and picked some dry clothes out for myself. After changing, I sat on my bed, head in my hands. I hoped this wasn’t a mistake, but there was no way I could leave him there soaking wet with no way to dry off or get shelter from the storm.

  The water shut off, and I rushed out to the kitchen, needing some distance, and also wanting to offer him something warm to eat. I rummaged through the cupboards and found a can of tomato soup, and after checking I had cheese, I decided on grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I was just opening the can when Zane walked out of the bathroom.

  I looked up at him, and he looked so different, I had to stop myself from staring. His hair was brown, but not as dark as it appeared when it was dirty, and the ends were bleached. It looked like it had been cut short months ago and had grown out naturally taking this shape. He looked at me with deep blue eyes that seemed to carry the weight of the world and stood out more from his heavy brows and thick dark lashes. He had slight stubble the same color as his hair, which I had mistakenly thought was dirt. It gave him an edgy look that many tried to create, but few accomplished. For him it was effortless.

  It was with great effort I pulled my eyes away and poured the soup into a saucepan. “Feel better?” I asked, trying not to look his way.

  “Much, thanks. I haven’t been that cold in a while. I guess I was hoping the rain was still a ways away.”

  “The fog has to be brutal too, it was pretty thick out last night,” I said as I buttered the bread and put slices of cheese on it in a frying pan.

  “It was cold. Then the rain started, and I didn’t know what to do. I put a trash bag over me, but it didn’t help much. The blanket you gave me was soaked through in one of the downpours.” I realized then he was holding his wet clothes.

  “Sorry, let me take those. Is there a shelter you could go to? I mean, even if you just go during bad weather.” I asked as I put his clothes in the washer and started the cycle.

  “I’ve tried a few, but it’s not really my thing. Everyone is sort of grouped up, and they don’t want to include more people they don’t know.”

  “I didn’t know that, I thought everyone was welcome at them.”

  “The organizers are open to most anyone staying. But the homeless have their own rules, and they’re like anyone else, they don’t trust strangers.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was talking about what I’d said earlier, but I felt the need to explain. “Sorry about earlier, I don’t have much, and I don’t want to lose what I have. I don’t have anyone to help me either, so I try to be really careful about who I let into my life.”

  “You don’t have to explain.” He stood there watching me, looking uncomfortable, and maybe a little lost.

  “How about if you watch the soup and I’ll cook the sandwiches?” His eyes lit up at that; he liked helping. Without more prompting, he was at my side at the stove and stirring away, looking relieved to have a task to keep him busy.

  “Are you all alone here?” he asked. Such a simple question, but it ripped open the hole that had taken months to fill.

  I cleared my throat before answering. “Yeah, I lived here with my mom, but she’s gone now.” He looked at the side of my head for a second before he went back to stirring the soup. I hoped he didn’t ask for more detail, but deep inside I knew he would.

  Chapter Seven

  Haircut

  We sat at my small table and ate the soup and sandwiches. I expected it to be uncomfortable, but it wasn’t at all. Zane was friendly, but not overbearing. I was so curious about how he’d ended up homeless, but when he was ready, he’d tell me. Or if he didn’t, that was okay too. I understood. I had no desire to tell him about my mom, and he seemed to sense it and stayed away from that subject.

  “I got you a coat that should make it a little more comfortable for you, it’s waterproof and warm. And I dug out a couple of knitted hats too.”

  He looked up at me then, spoon held mid-bite. “Thank you, I can really use them.”

  “Once I saw how wet you were, all I could think about was getting you dry.” I felt my cheeks heat at my words, but it was the truth.

  “Hey, could I ask you a favor?” he said without meeting my eyes.

  “Sure, what is it?”

  “Any chance you could cut my hair? I noticed the clippers in the bathroom. I hope that doesn’t seem too weird. But I can’t keep my hair clean, and if it’s shorter, at least it won’t look quite so scary.”

  “I can do that, I’ve been cutting my own for years now. Anything to save a few bucks.”

  He nodded and went back to eating. “People are scared of me when they see me under all this hair. I don’t like that.” He didn’t seem to expect a response, so I gave none.

  When I was finished, I took my dishes to the sink. He was beside me in an instant. “Let me clean these, it’s the least I can do.”

  “Sure, I do so many dishes at the restaurant, I’ll take any opportunity to let someone else do them.” I smiled at him before I checked my phone. Noticing a text from Bruce, I opened it.

  Hey kid, I know you took the dumpster guy home, is everything okay?

  I looked over at Zane, elbow deep in soap suds, and smiled. Everything’s fine, we just finished eating and I’m going to clipper his hair.

  Tommy? What are you doing?

  I’m just helping.

  There was a pause for a few seconds, then: If you’re sure you’re okay?

  Zane looked over to see what I was doing and glanced at my phone before turning back to the sink. I’m fine, he’s a good guy.

  Are you still coming in later?

  Of course, I’ll be there in a few hours.

  I was about to set my phone down when it signaled another message coming through. D
oes he have anyplace he can go to get out of the weather?

  I remembered our earlier conversation and typed, I don’t think so, he said he’ll be fine.

  All right, well, see you soon.

  I set the phone back on the table and stood to get the clippers. “Is everything okay?” Zane asked.

  “Yep, my boss was just making sure I was coming in later.” Zane’s face fell, had he hoped to stay here tonight? I hadn’t thought much more than getting him dry and fed. I looked out the window and noticed it was still pouring, even with a coat he’d be soaked again eventually.

  I got the clippers from the bathroom plugged in, and after moving a chair away from the table I grabbed a towel to keep the hair off him. “Come here, let’s get this done.” I smiled, and he suddenly seemed shy as he sat in the chair and I draped the towel around his shoulders.

  “Cut it short, I don’t want to worry about it for a while.” I did as he said and shaved it down close to his head.

  “Won’t you miss all this hair? Your head will be colder now,” I pointed out.

  “No, not at all, and I have a couple of hats now, thanks to you.” When I was done tidying up the few stray hairs I’d missed, he walked into the bathroom. I followed and found him staring into the mirror.

  “Is it too short?”

  “No, it’s perfect, I just don’t recognize myself anymore.” Somehow those words were some of the saddest I’d heard, and I’d heard a lot of sad words in my life.

  “What do you think of sitting in my car while I’m at work? That way you’re not out in the weather for a while.” I wasn’t sure why I offered, but the look of relief on his face let me know I’d done the right thing.

  “If you don’t mind, I’d appreciate that. Thanks, Tommy.” I nodded before putting the clippers away and checking on his clothes. What was I doing?

  Chapter Eight

  Dry Clothes

  After Zane was dressed in his now dry clothes, we ran to the car, and I handed him the coat I’d bought him earlier. He smiled and ducked his head while he wriggled into it. “This is great, thanks so much. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”

  “Don’t worry about it, I told you, I just want to help.” As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I felt his eyes on me, but I didn’t try to figure out what that meant. “You’re sure you’ll be okay in the car while I’m at work?”

  “Tommy, I’d been sitting in water all morning before you got there, I’ll stretch out in the back seat and sleep. It’ll be nice to have something soft to sleep on.” He smiled then, and it tore at me knowing how rough his life was. “I appreciate you letting me get warmed up.”

  “Anytime, I don’t mind at all. I’ll bring you out something to eat later on. Bruce has made it his mission to make sure you have a hot meal every night.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  “His partner was homeless for a while, and Bruce has a heart of gold. He knew you were back there before I did, but he didn’t want to scare you off. He’d feed you every meal if you’d let him.”

  “You guys have really helped me, I’m not so good at this living on the street thing.”

  “I’m not sure I would be any better. I thought for a while that’s where I’d end up, but I’ve worked, sometimes two jobs, to make sure it didn’t. I graduate this year, so I should be able to get a better job.”

  “I never thought I’d end up like this, but things happen sometimes that you have no control over, and sometimes there’s not a way to fix it, no matter how hard you try.”

  I pulled behind the restaurant and once again glanced at Zane. He looked so different without his long hair and not covered in dirt and grime. “Maybe there’s programs that can help you get into some housing. Winter’s just starting, and it seems like it’s gonna be a wet one. Imagine if it snowed here.”

  “Good thing it doesn’t, I have no clue what I’d do then. The rain’s bad enough.”

  “Yeah, it is. I gotta get in there before Bruce comes out looking for me. Get some sleep and I’ll bring you something to eat in a little while.” I stood outside, and I was about to close the door when he got my attention.

  “Tommy, can you thank Bruce? Tell him I’m sorry I haven’t really said anything yet. I was afraid he’d want me to move on, and I feel safe there. No one can sneak up on me.” He turned and looked out the window, and I closed the door. He needed new shoes and more clothes. I got the feeling what he had with him was all he owned. He was so guarded, I couldn’t imagine him leaving anything behind. Maybe tomorrow he’d be willing to go back to Goodwill and see if we could find him some shoes, or even some winter boots that would keep his feet dry. It couldn’t be good to constantly be wet, and if the forecast was right, we would have plenty of rain this year.

  It was still raining steady, and when I opened the back door, Bruce looked up from the grill with a smile. “Look what the rain brought in, did you drive a boat in?”

  “Ha-ha, very funny, it’s pretty brutal out there for sure.”

  He walked toward me as he wiped his hands on his apron. “Did you get that kid cleaned up?”

  “Yeah, I took him home and let him shower while I washed his clothes. He only has what’s on his back. He hasn’t told me why that is, but he’s having a tough time of it. He was soaking wet and shaking so hard from the cold when he got in my car.”

  “I’m glad you were able to get him to go with you. Any idea where he’s from?”

  “No, he just said he wasn’t very good at living on the street.”

  “I’m not sure anyone is, it’s a hard way to make it.”

  “Yeah. I’m gonna get to work. He’s sleeping in my car. I couldn’t make him go back to the dumpster. He doesn’t even have boots, and his shoes are about worn out.” Bruce looked at me for a second longer before walking back to the grill. “Oh, and he said to be sure and tell you thank you for the meals.”

  “You’re a good one, Tommy, now get on those dishes.” I looked at the sink and groaned. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t miss doing dishes after I got a better job.

  It was a busy night, but I was caught up and refilling condiments when Bruce called me over. “Hey, kid, take this to Zane.” I didn’t question it, just took the bag of food, and after putting on my coat, I made a run for my car. I jumped into the driver’s seat and turned around when Zane didn’t say anything. He was sound asleep, one arm tucked under his hat covered head, his new coat draped over him. He was on the tall side, so his legs were folded up, but at least he was inside and not sitting in the rain. I grabbed a pen out of my center console and wrote a note on the bag before setting it back there for him. He could sleep now and eat later. At least for the moment he was safe and dry.

  Chapter Nine

  Someone Who Cares

  I didn’t want to think about why I cared so much about Zane. There was something so tragic about him, as though he’d lost everything and had no hope left of ever getting it back. I guess he had lost everything. His shoes looked like he was about to walk out of them, and he needed more clothes so he could change into something dry when he got wet. These thoughts ran through my mind for the rest of my shift. Bruce must have known something was up; he kept glancing at me with a worried look on his face, and I could tell he was just waiting for us both to have a break to talk to me.

  Finally, about an hour before quitting time, we both slowed down enough that he approached me at the sink. Wiping his hands on his apron, he wore a warm smile as he spoke. “How’s it going, kid? You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind tonight.”

  “Yeah, I do. He’s got nothing, Bruce. What you’ve seen him in is all he has. How does that happen?”

  He squeezed my shoulder before he answered. “You never know what circumstance someone is dealing with. Believe me, I learned this from my John. Before we met, he had a run of bad luck. Lost his job and then his house. He tried to live in his car, but after a while he couldn’t afford that either. The stories he’s told me . . . it’s not e
asy living on the street. Especially if you don’t have anyone you can call, nowhere to go for help . . . you end up just existing. Most people don’t even pay attention to the homeless, unless it’s to complain about them. Imagine being that person, imagine trying to pull yourself up and not being able to.”

  I could only stare at him; I’d never heard him tell so much about John’s life before they were together. And they seemed like they’d always been together.

  “How long have you two been together?” I asked, not able to hold back.

  “It’ll be seven years next month,” he said with a warm smile.

  “You two are great together, I can tell he makes you really happy.”

  “We are, and he does. I knew him for years, but we were always just friends. Then one night I got a call that changed everything. The rest, as they say, is history.”

  “I’d love if I could help Zane get back on his feet, he seems like a really nice guy, and I can’t see him living this way much longer. He seems so beaten down right now.”

  “Maybe it’s just the cold and wet. It’s got to be hard dealing with it when you’re living outside.”

  “I don’t think it’s just that. He’ll tell me if he wants me to know. I’ll just do what I can to help him and worry myself to death when he’s out there freezing.”

  “You can’t save the world, kid. I know you’d like to. I get it, believe me. It’s hard to see someone you care about suffer.”

  “It’s hard not to care, especially when it’s someone as good as I think Zane is. He deserves better than what he’s got.”