“Fear?” He frowned.
Flattening her hands against the table, she nodded. “Look, as you said, I’m less than six months out of the service. I’ve got raging PTSD symptoms. I’m a hot mess, Jake. I know you’ve agreed with me on where I’m at in this cycle because of other conversations we’ve had. You’ve told me how your first year out of the Marines was hell on you, too.” Her jaw tightened, eyes flashing with frustration. “I’m afraid of every day because I’m so broken. I’m afraid I won’t be able to cobble myself back together. I try, and sometimes I feel a part of me starting to settle back into a familiar routine and I feel hope once more. But then, the next day or two, something happens, and I feel like I’ve taken two steps backward. I’m terrified I’ll never get well. I’ll never be normal again.”
“That’s the way healing goes, from what I can see,” he offered quietly, holding her teary gaze. “What we’ve seen and suffered through makes for such a lonely inner journey. I know what you’re saying. You’re not alone, Lily. You have parents who love you. Jenna treats you like the daughter she always wished for and never had.” A corner of his mouth tipped upward. “Until now.” Reaching out, he took her hand, which was curved on her thigh, giving it a comforting squeeze and then releasing it. “And you have me. I can help you measure your progress because I’ve already been where you are. I want to give you hope because that’s what I needed when I crawled through that first year alone.”
Sniffing, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, afraid they would become a flood, and she didn’t want that to happen. Not now. This conversation was too important. Too necessary. “And you have been an important part of my progress. I don’t think I’d be where I am today without your experience and support. I loved having your mother here. I felt it an honor to care for her. Whether she knew it or not, she stabilized me in some ways, and that helped me. She gave me a more solid footing within myself.”
“I felt lucky growing up with her and my father,” he agreed. “Almost daily, I could see you were changing, becoming more confident about yourself. I know Jenna saw you were blooming right before our eyes.” He managed a softened smile. “You’ve done a lot of healing since you’ve been here, Lily. And that’s all good.”
She clasped her hands, forcing herself to hold his patient gaze. “And then there was you, Jake. You fed me in another way. I wasn’t afraid of your gruff exterior. I knew you were a good person inside because Jenna was good. And I was proved right on that over time. You didn’t treat me as being broken or lost. I was, but you didn’t emphasize it. Instead, you allowed me to be on a long tether to range around until I could find another way home within myself. I felt you sensed where I was at any given time, gave me the space to flounder and were always nearby in case I needed to grab out and hold on to your hand. You pulled me out or up from the inner quagmire I was always getting trapped in.”
He sighed and shook his head. “I recognized it because I’d already been where you are, Lily. I know the anguish and pain. I didn’t want to see you go through it. I wanted to help short-circuit it by being a support.”
She reached over, touching the back of his hand briefly. “I owe you so much.”
“I hope whatever is between us isn’t about what we might owe each other.”
She managed a quirk of her mouth. “I don’t think anyone’s generosity, for whatever reason, is ever given back to the giver. I realized what you were doing with me on bad days or nights. I realized you saw my struggles. You gave me hope to hang on, to keep fighting to get well or,” she grimaced, “find my ‘new normal.’”
“I wanted to help you end some of your pain, was all. I don’t like to see anyone, human or animal, suffering.”
“You’re a softy inside, Jake Murdoch.”
He grinned unevenly. “Don’t tell anyone else, okay? I’ve got just about everyone else on the ranch buffaloed.”
She laughed a little, then sobered. “Yes, and I go around trying to fool everyone by being ‘normal,’ when we know there’s no such thing for us anymore.”
“I didn’t want to fool you that I was normal either,” he began awkwardly. “There was something vulnerable about you that grabbed at me. There’s a lot of goodness in you. I don’t know if it’s because you were a nurse and love helping people or something more. Whatever it is, it’s a beautiful part of you.” He sat up and pushed the chair back. “Come on. Let’s go sit on the couch and continue our talk there.”
“Sure.” She pushed back and stood uncertainly, feeling as if they’d just made a vital connection with one another. Maybe her gumption had helped to create it. She wasn’t sure, but she followed him into the living room. She took the end of the couch and Jake sat about three feet away from her, elbows on his knees, hands clasped, looking serious. “I don’t know about you, but it feels good for me to get this off my chest.”
“Same here.” He went silent.
Lily waited, sensing he was struggling for words.
Jake’s voice was low, off-key. “You’re magic to me, Lily,” and he lifted his head, holding her luminous gaze with a tender look. “That’s what I really wanted to say a moment ago, but I was too chicken. I was afraid you’d think I was bs-ing you.”
“I like being thought of as magic, Jake. It doesn’t feel like you’re handing me a line.”
His mouth cut into a thinner line, withholding a lot of emotions. “I can’t figure out how you’re able to hold on and slowly get yourself back together when you strike me as being more fey than real.”
She smiled a little. “Fey. That’s a lovely word. I wish I felt like that inside.”
“It will come with time,” he soothed. “You’re doing well, Lily. Coming along fast. That’s a testament to your inner strength, your backbone. Whether you believe it or not, you have it. I see it every day.”
“A magical being with a broken backbone,” she amended wryly. “That’s quite a visual, Murdoch.”
He chuckled and said, “Best I could do on short notice.”
“There’s so much to talk about. Someday . . . soon ... I want to hear your story of how you got PTSD. I’ve been edging toward telling you about what happened to me.” She swallowed hard, looked away for a moment and then met his concerned gaze. “I . . . I’m afraid if I start talking about it, Jake, and I lose control, I don’t know what I’ll do. There are times when I want to scream.” She twisted her hands in her lap.
He pushed his palms down his thighs. “It’s not something you can force, Lily. You have to respect it and you’ll know when it’s right to let go. And it would be my honor to hear your story, to be there for you.”
“You won’t judge me. I know that.”
He snorted. “Hell, no.”
There was a lull in their conversation.
“Where does this leave us, Jake?” Her voice was soft with feeling, trepidation.
“I don’t know. You’re wrestling with the first year, which is bad enough. I sensed that, and it’s why I never let on that I enjoyed your company, looked forward to coming home every night and seeing you. I like to hear what’s on your mind and what’s in your heart. The last two months have been better than I can remember in a long, long time.”
Her heart melted as his voice went gruff with feeling. “You’ve gone through so much, Jake. You’re my role model. I see you handling things I didn’t think I could, but you’ve done so much in three years. Honest to God, you look and act normal. If someone told me that you had PTSD, I wouldn’t have believed it.”
He slanted her a glance. “Believe it. I’ve got a lot more years of build-up than you do by the very job I held. You, from what I can figure out, were a nurse at an Afghan village that got overrun in a night attack by the Taliban. That’s different than in my case.” His nostrils quivered as he released a long exhale. “Years, Lily. There are days when I’m not sure I can take one more hit, one more stress, if I can handle a situation correctly or not. Maud relies heavily on me to make mature, well-thought-out decis
ions. I’m responsible for nearly a hundred people on this ranch. I know their stories, and I know them. That’s what helps me rein myself in, take a check on my overreactions and calm down inwardly before I make a decision. The people on this ranch are mostly vets. Twenty of them aren’t. The vets help remind me of what’s being asked of me on their behalf. They’re team oriented and they know how to support me in my bad moments, as I support them when they start to unravel. For that, I’m grateful.”
“I’ve never seen you like that.”
“Come spend a day with me out in the field with my crews. You will.”
She gave him a caring look. “In some ways? Fessing up to you? I feel better. Relieved. What about you?”
“The same.” He watched Sage and her puppies, who were now finding places to go to sleep in little piles here and there, after getting full bellies of milk. Lifting his head, he studied her. “Whatever we have, Lily, it’s good. That’s what I feel.”
“Yes, same here.”
“We need to keep talking because it’s important. I admit, I’m not the best at it. Sometimes, you’ll have to drag it out of me, as Jenna will tell you.” He gave her a sour smile filled with apology. “But I’ll keep trying to open up, not stay closed down.”
“Women are used to men burying their feelings and thoughts. As long as I know you’re at ease with what’s happening between us, that’s good enough for now.”
“Well, as they say, we have nowhere to go but up. We’ll keep being the good team we are in supporting each other in ways that are comfortable for us. Okay?”
It was more than okay. Lily wanted to wrap her arms around Jake’s broad shoulders and hold him because he’d unveiled a lot to her just now. He was being vulnerable in a way she’d seen few men become and it called powerfully to her. She could do no less. He trusted her. “I trust you with my life.”
“Back at you,” he said gruffly.
July 21
Jake missed Lily. It was nearly five p.m. on Saturday, and she was volunteering at the shelter in Wind River. He’d spent the afternoon catching up on a lot of grass-lease documents, but it was dry and boring. Lily was not. Their spontaneous talk several days before had pulled a Band-Aid off his wounded heart. For the first time, he felt a change in his life, a good one. He was falling in love. Last night, he’d awakened at three in the morning, in the midst of a torrid dream, loving her passionately, she loving him in return. Was it really possible?
Turning off the computer in the office, he stood. He’d rather go play with Sage and her pups than work. It didn’t surprise him how quickly she had become a part of their home’s dynamic. At any given time, Lily was back at the cabin, checking up on them, playing with them, holding each puppy, placing kisses all over tiny, furry heads. And the pups loved it. When she came in the door and spoke, all seven pups and Sage immediately raised their ears in her direction. Lily was magic. Heat curled around his heart. He missed her.
Guess who was out, snuffling and blindly moving around? Little runt Athena. She was prettily marked, Jake thought, as he sat down on the rug near her. She was the only one in the litter with freckles on the white blaze of her nose, and she stood out despite her being the smallest. She had two chestnut-colored eyebrows and most of the mask on both sides of her face was black, but with that same brown tone on the lower third of her face. He spoke her name and she stopped and lifted her head, her ears perked up in his direction. Chuckling, he gently slid his large hand beneath her full tummy. As he lifted her up, his heart beat hard, once. Finally, her eyes were opening! Grinning, Jake settled her against his chest and she snuggled, making little grunting noises. Lily was going to be happy.
The door opened.
“Hey!” Lily called, breaking into a smile, “I thought you were going to be working this afternoon?” She closed the door and hung her purse on a peg. Pushing her hands down her jeans, she adjusted the pink tee with three-quarter sleeves.
“Taking a break. Athena was exploring. I saw her way out here. Come over here; take a look.” He watched her tilt her head, her gaze riveted on Athena.
Jake lifted the pup into her hands. She sat down next to him, their arms almost touching. That was a good sign as far as he was concerned. He wasn’t sure what to do, say or how to act after their intimate talk. It had been stilted and awkward afterward. That invisible connection between them, however, hadn’t wavered at all. And Jake clung to that as proof their destiny was to be together. “Look at her eyes.”
Gasping, Lily held Athena up. “Her eyes! They’re beginning to open!”
A smile tugged at his mouth. “It’s probably going to take two or three days more before they’re fully open.” He gestured to the wicker basket. “The others have their eyes about half open right now.”
“Yes,” she murmured, peering into Athena’s face, “and they look gray, like the others. Their true color isn’t revealed yet.”
“I’ll bet they’re blue.”
“I hope so.” She nuzzled Athena’s head, then nestled her between her breasts. “How was your day, Jake?”
“Same as always. Some ups, some downs.” He saw Lily give him a searching look, feeling as if she wanted more than that. “Does that look mean you want more than two sentences?”
Laughing, she bobbed her head, sliding her fingers down Athena’s plump little body. “You’re telepathic, Murdoch.”
“I like your spunk, Ms. Thompson.”
“Is there a third sentence?”
He liked her pluck and determination. “We had an altercation with one of the Elson clan earlier today.”
“Who are they?”
“They’re a family that lives in the southern part of the valley, but sometimes we find them hanging around the ranch. They’re never up to any good. They’re drug runners.”
She chewed on her lip. “What happened?”
He heard the low, frightened tone in her voice. “Nothing. We found Hiram and Kaen Elson on a back road on ranch property. I don’t know where they were going, but we stopped them. That road does lead to the main highway, and there’s a heavy gate that’s locked. These two boys, we found out later, used a pair of bolt cutters to get through the chain and padlock and onto private property. They didn’t get permission to be on Maud and Steve’s ranch.”
“What do you think they were doing?”
“There’s gossip they have some drug stashes along the foot of the Salt River Range. Maud and Steve’s ranch butts right up against those slopes. I think they were probably looking for another place to hide their drugs. I’ve talked to Sarah, our county sheriff, and she says they deal in all types of drugs. They’re buyers and distributors for a new drug lord, Pablo Gonzalez, who’s in Guatemala.”
“Ugh,” she muttered, “I didn’t know any of this.” She gave him a worried look. “Were they carrying guns?”
“By law, they can’t. Both have been in federal prison and aren’t allowed to have firearms.”
“Even out here, drugs touch our lives. It’s so removed, so rural . . .”
Jake felt her vulnerability. “Hey,” he coaxed, “this is Wyoming. Most ranchers have rifles, and some have pistols. We know how to use them. Sheriff Carter, three years ago, invited all the ranch owners in the valley to a briefing on the Elsons’ drug activities, as well as Gonzalez trying to move into the area and claim it. She works closely with everyone in Lincoln County. I called her after the incident and let her know what was going on. Druggies are always trying to find dirt roads either in the mountains or up to the slopes because they can hide their cache until it’s sold.” He reached over, grazing her cheek with his finger. “Don’t worry.”
Lily leaned into him, resting her head against his upper arm. “I wasn’t always like this, Jake. I used to be able to deal with anything. I feel like that incident stripped me of the shield that gets me through everyday life. It’s gone, and I wish I had it back.”
“Come here,” and he slid his arm around her shoulders, drawing her gently against h
im. She came without tensing, but he saw the rawness in her features. He knew that from now on, he wasn’t going to upset her with things like this happening around the ranch. She would worry way too much, and it would cause her anxiety to spike. He had to protect her for a while.
He pressed a kiss to the curls of her hair as she rested fully against him, entrusting herself to him. She was warm, soft, and he leaned his cheek against her hair for a moment. “The first year, I felt like a crab who’d had its shell ripped off. I couldn’t handle being touched, deal with loud noises, big crowds or being jostled. I ran as hard and fast as I could to escape that kind of environment.” He gave her a sympathetic look. “You’re not alone in this, Lily. Every time you open up to me, it helps me open up to you. I’m here to support you in any way you need.”
She cupped her hands over Athena, who was asleep between her breasts, happy and safe. “You have no idea how nice it is to be able to count on you, Jake.”
Nodding, he slid his fingers gently up and down her arm, hoping it soothed and calmed her alarm. “This is the first time I’ve opened up to anyone. It feels good. Right.”
“Just come to me, then, when you want an arm around you, or you want to be held. That’s something I can easily give you.” Lily pressed her cheek against his shirt, and it felt damned good to him. Jake wanted to make love to her, tenderly, to feed her soul with his hands, his kisses, adore her, shore her up emotionally. He knew he could do it because the connection between them was growing stronger by the day. With trust, he knew it could happen, but he had to open up, too, which he was trying to do right now.
“Thanks,” she whispered, turning, looking up into his eyes. “That’s a two-way street.”
“Good, because I’m sure I’m going to need holding sooner or later. Our days consist of nothing but sharp ups and downs. It wears us out. And it will be nice to know your arms are waiting and open to me.”
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