Pause (ROCK HARD Book 2)

by Kat Mizera

  Mergers and acquisitions were so boring. I was going to be bored. Probably boring too. But what choice did I have? Sure, there were other branches of law, but I didn’t want to be a criminal defense attorney. I didn’t want to be a tax attorney. Probate and wills sounded just as boring as mergers and acquisitions, so where did that leave me? Entertainment law was still an option, but I’d never called Madeline and I needed to.

  My phone buzzed and I looked down in surprise. A number I didn’t recognize, but the message was clear:

  Good luck today, lass. You’re going to kick ass and take names.

  Holy shit. The only person who would call me lass was Stu and…he’d kept my phone number? I’d left him that silly note two months ago and he’d never called. But he’d kept it? Why?

  I couldn’t help but respond, though.

  LINDSAY: Thanks. I’m nervous as fuck.

  STU: It’ll be all right. You’ve studied and worked hard. You’ll do great.

  LINDSAY: Well, I appreciate the faith you have in me.

  STU: Let me know how it went when you’re done for the day.

  LINDSAY: I will. Bye.

  I stuffed the phone in my pocket in confusion. Why was he texting me now? And why did he want me to text him later? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’d finally somewhat stopped thinking about him and this was not the day to have distractions.

  Maybe tomorrow, when I was completely finished, I’d send him a quick note to say I was done, but that was it. Talking to Stu would only remind me of what I couldn’t have and there was no purpose in it. Picking up my pace, I headed for home to get ready for the day.

  Walking out of the test and driving home was the weirdest feeling in the world. I’d literally spent the last three years preparing for it, and now that it was over, I had nothing to do. Nothing to study, nowhere to go, no job, no money, nothing. It was the most overwhelming sensation and I frowned as I pulled into my parents’ driveway. What the hell was I supposed to do until I found a job?

  I had a tentative position at the firm where I’d clerked the last two summers, but it was a toxic environment and the more I thought about working there full-time, the more nervous it made me. My old boss wasn’t bad, but his boss was a chauvinist and a jerk, and though he’d never directed anything overt at me, I’d seen the way he treated other people at the firm. Did I really want to start my career that way? Was there a choice? I’d heard a lot of similar stories from my friends in law school, which meant that was the climate at a lot of these firms.

  I grabbed my phone and called Lexi.

  “Hey!” She picked up on the first ring. “How was it? Are you so relieved it’s over? Tell me everything!”

  “It was hard as fuck,” I replied. “I’m so glad it’s over. But also kind of lost.”

  “Well, of course. You’ve done nothing but prepare for this test for the last three years. What’s the first thing you’re going to do?”

  I sighed. “Lex, don’t start talking about giving me money and stuff, okay? It just makes me feel worse, but the truth is that I’m too broke to do anything. The money you’ve given me is for gas, toiletries, a few Starbucks coffees I treated myself to when I desperately needed to get out of the house. But I’m flat broke, with no job, no interesting opportunities, fucking nothing.” Lindsay burst into tears.

  “Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry.” Lexi sounded sad for me, which I hated, but what was I supposed to do?

  “It’s okay.” I reached for a tissue as I sniffled. “I want to be a lawyer, but I don’t want to work for the firm where I have a pending offer and the thought of starting the interview process all over again makes me want to puke.”

  “Okay, breathe. Your whole life has been academia for the last six years and now that you’re done, it’s a lot. But I have an idea.”

  “You always have an idea,” I said, trying to laugh through my tears.

  “Come on tour with us.”

  “Lexi, I can’t just—”

  “No, listen. Really. There’s two weeks left and I could use an assistant. I can pay you under the table and—”

  “Lexi, I can’t.”

  “Why not? What else do you have to do?”

  “I have to find a job. A real, full-time job at a law firm.”

  “Today?”

  “No, but in the next few weeks.”

  “What difference will two weeks make? And we can hang out and—”

  “I can’t.”

  “Would you stop interrupting me?”

  “Lexi.”

  “What?”

  “Stu.”

  “Huh?”

  “I can’t be around Stu. I’m sorry, you know I love you and appreciate the offer, but being around him is hard. He’s the culmination of every fantasy I’ve ever had, but he doesn’t want me. We’d inevitably sleep together, though, and I’m not that strong. I’ve managed to keep my heart from being broken the last couple of times, but I have to keep my distance. For now anyway.”

  “But you need money and I’m offering you a job.”

  “You don’t need an assistant and we both know it. You’re trying to find a way to give me money without hurting my feelings. Come on, Lex, this is me.”

  “So there’s feelings there, huh?”

  “Duh.”

  “He’s so stubborn,” she sighed. “And so are you. It’s like you’re made for each other.”

  “Unfortunately, he doesn’t agree.”

  “So what are you going to do? Stay home and cry in your coffee?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Linz, come on. Come out on tour with us for the last two weeks. You already have feelings for Stu, so what difference will it make? And god knows, good sex is hard to find in the dating world. Why not enjoy a known entity before you get into the drudgery of the legal world?”

  “Is it supposed to be drudgery?” I whispered, swallowing hard. It was like everything I’d been working for the last five years had been a waste. I didn’t know where this insecurity was coming from but it had hit me hard today.

  “I don’t know,” Lexi admitted. “I can’t imagine having a job that felt like drudgery. If I couldn’t be a performer, on tour and making music, I’d still do something I loved, like teach music somewhere, something like that.”

  “But how does that apply to law? I mean, I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer and now I’m second-guessing myself.”

  “Which is why you need to come on tour with us for two weeks, step out of your legal and academic world, clear your head, have some mind-blowing orgasms, and take the time to decompress. I do have need for an assistant. Not necessarily on tour, but in general, and if you can do some of those mundane tasks for me, it not only helps me out, it makes you feel good about taking money from me. Because if you don’t do it, I’m definitely paying someone else to do it as soon as we get back to Vegas.”

  I bit my lip. I was really tempted.

  She was right that it was too late as far as protecting my heart from Stu. He hadn’t broken it since we hadn’t been together enough for me to get that invested, but he’d already wormed his way in there and was making me want things I couldn’t have. But would two weeks make that much of a difference? Probably not. And I desperately needed a change of pace.

  “Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “But do me a favor and don’t tell anyone I’m coming. I want to gauge Stu’s honest reaction to seeing me.”

  “Deal.”

  We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up. I went to do a few loads of laundry and pack. I was going on tour.

  I caught up with the band the following day in Denver. Lexi had booked me on a first-class flight first thing in the morning and I’d gotten to the hotel by noon. I was nervous and excited as I checked into my room and went to find Lexi. They’d arrived last night and were playing tonight, so they were free until sound check. She’d said something about going shopping and that’s what we did. Not that I had any extra money, but it was fun to have girl
time anyway.

  “Ariel and Sasha didn’t want to come?” I asked as we got to a local mall.

  “Ariel and Tyler have an interview at a local radio station and Sasha is on a conference call with her mom and brothers and sisters, I think. I saw a baby on the screen and she said she was catching up with family.”

  “It hasn’t been just us in a while,” I said.

  “Yeah, I was glad Zaan went golfing with Bash so I didn’t have to feel guilty about not asking him to join us.”

  “He wouldn’t want to shop, would he?”

  “Want to? No. But he comes with me when I go sometimes because we like spending time together. We’re apart so much during hockey season, you know?”

  “You must miss him.”

  “I do, but we’re both doing the things we want in life, and we still have each other, so the sacrifice of being apart for some of the year is worth it. Plus, we really make the most of the summers when he’s off.”

  “You’re so lucky,” I said softly. “That you found him so young and knew from the beginning he was your soulmate, even though it took a while for you guys to figure it all out.”

  “I’m definitely lucky,” she agreed. “He’s the best guy in the world and I can’t imagine doing what we’re doing with anyone else. But I didn’t always know. We broke up so many times over the years and it wasn’t until the breakup with Special Kay that I realized how none of the fame and fortune mattered without him.” Special Kay was the all-girl pop group Lexi had been with before joining Nobody’s Fool.

  “I’m so lonely,” I said after a moment. “Not just because I’m single, but my life has been all about studying and planning for the future. You’ve been gone since we were teenagers, so while I have a best friend, you’re not around regularly, and my friends from college and law school were all single-minded and focused like me. My parents have their own lives, I haven’t had a steady boyfriend in years, and honestly, I’m starting to wonder how much you have to sacrifice for it to be worth it. Is being a lawyer really all that and a bag of chips?”

  “I don’t think that’s the purpose of a career,” she said slowly. “I think the purpose is for you to find some sort of fulfillment in it. Maybe you need to take up a cause with your legal work, instead of going for the lucrative branch. Like environmental issues or charity organizations.”

  “Maybe.” I had so much to think about, but now that I was here, I wasn’t going to think about anything but rock and roll and freedom and maybe work on my résumé a little. I didn’t know what I wanted, but this was my chance to start figuring it out.

  We got back to the hotel just in time to drop off Lexi’s purchases and then head down to the lobby to meet up with the band. They’d do sound check and then the normal light dinner and relaxation routine until the show started. I was staying backstage tonight, not ready to go down into a crowd again yet, but I was excited to see them play.

  I was more excited to see Stu and I absently wiped my hands on my denim skirt as we stepped out of the elevator and into the lobby. Tyler and Ariel were hanging out with Bash as they waited for the bus to pull up to the front. Sasha was on the phone, chattering away to someone, Grim hovering nearby, and Lance was just outside the double doors, looking around. I didn’t notice Stu at first. He was half-hidden and I didn’t see him until the beautiful brunette he had his arm around threw back her head and laughed. Stu was grinning too and I had to bite my lip as I watched him lean over to press a kiss to her cheek.

  14

  Stu

  Just before I got out of prison, I’d hired a crisis management publicist. Kate Martensson was smart, professional, and expensive as fuck. But she was worth every damn penny and had not only managed the media storm that followed me everywhere in the beginning, she’d also become a good friend. Ironically, her husband played on the Sidewinders with Zaan, and that had been my first real exposure to hockey. She and her husband, Karl, and their twins, Kendall and Kyle, were here in Denver on holiday and when she’d seen Nobody’s Fool was here too, she’d rung me to see about meeting up. We’d had lunch this afternoon and hung out while her kids played in the pool.

  They couldn’t come to the show since it wasn’t a good scene for toddlers and they didn’t have a sitter, so we were in the lobby saying goodbye when I heard Ariel let out a squeal of delight.

  “Lindsay! What are you doing here?”

  “Surprise.” Lindsay stepped forward and hugged her, clearly avoiding my gaze.

  I looked down and realized how this looked since Karl had just taken off across the lobby to grab Kyle, who’d made a break for it. I quickly removed my arm from around Kate’s shoulders and whispered to her, “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  “Hey, Linz!” Bash high-fived her and they said something I couldn’t hear.

  “This is a surprise, love.” I moved behind her, putting a gentle hand on her arm. She jumped as if I’d hurt her and I nearly winced, but figured she’d be all right once I introduced her to Kate.

  “Hey, Stu.” She turned slowly, her face expressionless.

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” I said. “It’s good to see you.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

  “I didn’t know until last night either,” she said.

  “I want you to meet my publicist. Kate, this is Lindsay. Linz, this is Kate Martensson. Her husband plays hockey with Zaan.”

  “Oh. Hi.” Lindsay looked startled as she shook the other woman’s hand.

  “Nice to meet you,” Kate said warmly. “Stu’s told me so much about you.”

  “H-he has?”

  “Mommy!” Kyle came running to Kate and threw himself at her legs. “Daddy’s mean.”

  “You were naughty,” she said, reaching down for his hand. He buried his face against her leg and she smiled fondly. “They’re wonderful but always into mischief.”

  We stood and talked for another minute as the bus pulled up and then we had to go.

  “It was good to see you,” I said, hugging her and shaking Karl’s hand. “We’ll see you at the gig in Vegas, eh?”

  “Absolutely.” Kate grinned. “Nice to meet you, Lindsay.”

  “Likewise.”

  “So tell me what you’re doing here,” I said to her as we walked toward the bus.

  “Lexi needs me to do some work for her, just some random admin stuff, and since I could use a couple of weeks to clear my head after all the studying, it seemed like a good time to come hang out, help her, and relax.”

  “I’m glad to see you.” I looked down at her but she was avoiding my eyes, which wasn’t like her at all. I wanted to ask what was wrong but not here in front of everyone. We were gathered on the bus now, everyone chatting, and Lindsay turned to Ariel, asking her about some new makeup thing.

  It was obvious she didn’t want to talk to me and I wasn’t sure what had changed. She hadn’t texted me after her exams were over either, so something was definitely up, but I wasn’t completely daft. We’d had multiple conversations about how this could only be a one-time thing, and then how it had to be the last time we did anything, but I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. I hadn’t slept with another woman since her and it was so out of character for me. Not even a quick blow job. I’d avoided everything sexual because Lindsay was the only woman I wanted. I’d tried, but one kiss and I’d known I couldn’t do it.

  The physical act was easy, but I had enough emotional clutter in my brain and fucking random women when I genuinely didn’t want to served no purpose. I could jerk off without any lingering guilt, though technically I had nothing to feel guilty about. We’d agreed we’d been together for the last time. We’d never been in any kind of relationship beyond two overnight romps, so it made no sense. Not even to me.

  Now that she was here, it was pretty damn obvious I wanted her. Again. More of her. Everything about her. Not just sex. I didn’t know what to do about it either. I couldn’t be her boyfriend. I couldn’t give her the things she deserved from
a man in her life, yet I couldn’t seem to walk away.

  I didn’t see Lindsay until after the show and it was distracting as fuck to know she was here but avoiding me. Having her here but not engaging with me, not really talking to me beyond being polite, sucked. I wanted to grab her and kiss her until she made those sweet little sounds she made right before she was about to come. I wanted to bend her over one of my amps and fuck her into the middle of next week. She’d gotten under my skin in a way no one else ever had and it was all kinds of wrong.

  I was wrestling with what to do, or say, to her when I spotted her at the bar. She was talking to a guy, laughing at whatever he was saying, and my chest tightened. There was something vaguely familiar about him and I watched from a distance for a bit, trying to figure out why I thought I knew him. Lindsay seemed enthralled with him, hanging on his every word, and the most white-hot shot of jealousy I’d ever experienced burst through me. It burned my skin, as if it were something tangible, and I clenched my jaw to get myself back under control.

  What was happening to me when it came to Lindsay?

  Whatever it was, I had to figure it out. Which meant going over there and letting her know we had to talk. Maybe it was a dick move to be doing this now that she was talking to another guy, but I never claimed to be a saint.

  I was almost to the bar when she saw me and smiled, waving. “Stu! Look who’s here.”

  This time my feelings had nothing to do with jealousy and I ignored her completely as I got in the other man’s face. “What the fuck are you doing here, Angus?”

  The drummer from Waking Wonder, Angus Roberts, gave me a lopsided smile. “Came to see the new band. What else?”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Haven’t heard a word from you in more than four years and now you’re interested in what I’m up to?”

  “Saw you had a new band, new music.” His eyes glittered with something akin to danger. “New girl.”

  It took all my self-control not to knock him across the room, but I couldn’t afford to do anything like that since I had six more months of probation. How he’d known about Lindsay and me, I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t like it. I’d thought she’d escaped any social media links to me, but apparently I’d been wrong.