Imagine Us

by Jaxson Kidman

  “Maybe I get it from you,” I said with a smile.

  She laughed. “Yeah, I was never good at love, was I?”

  “You loved the wrong guys. All the time. Sometimes at the same time.”

  “At least I can say I was happy.”

  “Yeah, you were definitely that. You know, I tried to be happy too. And you and Chad took that away.”

  “Oh?” Mom asked. “Was I not the one who tried to help you with Adam? I gave you two so many chances to figure out those feelings.”

  “You wanted me to cheat on Chad. Think about that. Bad enough I already feel like I did because of my feelings…”

  “That’s my point,” Mom said. “I’m not saying cheating on anyone is right, but if there are feelings somewhere else, it’s still cheating. I’d rather know the truth and get over the heartache than carry questions for the rest of my life. And look at what it did to you and Chad.”

  “So, it’s my fault he cheated on me.”

  “I didn’t say that. But if you weren’t all the way in… neither was he.”

  “Wow. You still have a way about yourself, Mom.”

  “And what’s that?” she asked.

  “I can show up and you can hug me like a mother would. You tell me I can stay like a mother would. But when I really need someone to talk to me… you’re this different person.”

  “Honest person,” she said.

  “Honest? Happiness? Cheating? That’s your life, huh?”

  “Elena, please,” she said.

  “Please nothing,” I said. “You pushed me away from writing for years. That’s what made me happy. You and Chad commented so many times about me finding a career. I’m a writer. And I’m good at it.”

  “I didn’t want you to be lost like I was,” Mom said. “I guess that backfired.”

  “I guess so,” I said. “I never wanted to sell houses. I did it because of you and Chad. And I’m the dumb one who let it all happen. I thought…” I touched the sides of my head. “I thought if I did it…”

  “Go ahead,” Mom said. “Say it. Say whatever you want.”

  “You,” I said. “You fucked up so much. You were like my best friend instead of my mother. You loved the attention too. You loved when teenage boys looked at you. You loved being the cool mom who would let kids drink at the house. And you wanted me to be gone as soon as possible.”

  Mom drank her entire glass of wine. She licked her lips. “Do you remember what it was like living with Dan? And before Dan?”

  “Of course I do,” I said. “And you never gave me a second to forget it.”

  “I lost myself,” Mom said. “When I was with Dan, I thought it was for the rest of my life. We were going to be a normal family. And it went bad. I told myself I would never have another man in my life. And you were a teenager. I just wanted to protect you. I wanted to keep you from pain. I wanted to keep myself from pain. I took control of my life the best I could. No matter how wrong you think I was.”

  “I knew that I was left alone so you could do it.”

  “Because I didn’t want to live there!” Mom yelled. “Goddammit, Elena. I hated that house. I hated everything about it. I had to buy that house so fast and everything in it was just… shitty. So, yeah, I wanted you to graduate and leave so I could leave too.”

  The words made me gasp. “Wow.”

  “That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I knew you were a talented writer. But I wanted you to have something else too. So you could enjoy life, and not depend on Chad the way I depended on Dan.”

  I lowered my stare. “I didn’t know that.”

  “Of course you didn’t. It was never your business to know it. I came here to be happy and I am happy. I always wanted the same for you. I’m sorry things worked out the way they did. With Chad and his injury. But I couldn’t tell you what to do with your heart. Even though I tried to give you the chance…”

  “It wasn’t your heart to mess with,” I said. “I always loved Adam. And I did love Chad too. In a different way. And it became comfortable with him. I thought I would do the real estate thing until Chad went pro. But it fell apart. And I stood there and never did a thing for myself.”

  Mom gently touched my shoulder. “But now you are, Elena. You’re doing something. You’re writing. You’re away from that situation that hurt you for so long. You’re yelling at me the way you should have a long time ago. And you’re facing your feelings for Adam.”

  “I don’t feel like I’m doing much of anything right now, Mom. Adam has problems.”

  “Everyone has problems, Elena. Including you.”

  I looked over at her hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head, so my cheek touched her hand.

  “The night of my graduation party everything changed,” I whispered. “It was supposed to change, but in a different way. Adam kissed me that night. And I planned on more. But he ran off and got hit by a car. And everything changed.”

  “Everything is supposed to change.”

  “I don’t know what I want anymore. It’s so much to think about at once.”

  “That’s why you’re here, Elena. Go walk the beach. That’s what I do. And, yes, life still gets the best of me. I think about your father. How things should have been when you were born. I think about living in that glorified attic that was called an apartment. I think about the times I had to choose between eating and paying the cable bill. I think about meeting Dan and how I was so fast and stupid with him, thinking it was good for you.”

  Mom paused. I looked at her and saw tears in her eyes.

  “I think about the times you said Dan was not a good guy. And I didn’t believe you because I thought you were jealous. Or just a moody teenager. I put you through hell. So maybe I let it all go when we had the house. Because I hated the house so much. And I wanted you to have fun. It all weighs on me, Elena. And I walk the beach, feel the breeze, smell the ocean, and I remind myself that I’m standing here right now. I’m alive. I can think about the past all I want… but I need to think about the present too.”

  I faced my mother and reached for her cheek to wipe a stray tear away. “I do love you, Mom. You did your best. I know that.”

  “And you’re doing amazing in life,” she said. “Even if it’s messy. And all I can wish for you right now is to walk the beach and figure out what the present means to you. It doesn’t matter what happened years ago. It doesn’t matter what happened with you and Chad. It doesn’t matter what happened with Adam. It’s about right now, Elena. And you can stay here as long as you want.”

  “I don’t want to mess up your dating life,” I said with a grin.

  “Believe it or not, I’m actually very happy with Mark. I haven’t been with anyone but him for a long time. We understand each other. We laugh. The sex…”

  “Mom,” I said. “No.”

  “Sorry. Right. No sex talk.”

  We both laughed.

  Then we hugged.

  I knew we’d never have a normal relationship. But I always knew she meant well.

  I could walk the beach all night…

  … but it wouldn’t take me where I really wanted to go.

  30

  Give Me the Details

  ELENA

  (then)

  I was always terrified of the crooked wooden door in the basement. I guess at one point it led to a coal cellar, but now it led to the heavy metal doors that opened to the backyard. It was the kind of door where something scary waited behind it, but for me, that entirely changed when Adam snuck in through it to sleep in the basement. All because his mother never paid the electric bill. It was the end of summer, but it was still really hot.

  The basement wasn’t as cool as my bedroom thanks to my window air conditioner, but it was better than nothing. I had a hard time sleeping knowing Adam was in the basement in a sleeping bag. Hiding from my mother. Hiding from his own life. I wanted him in my bedroom with me. Not in that way, even though that stuff had gone through my head a few times. But it was
impossible for Adam to sleep in my room because our upstairs was literally two bedrooms and nothing else.

  I stayed up late with him, just talking and trying to muffle my laughter so I didn’t wake up my mother. There wasn’t a subject we talked about that Adam didn’t make funny. Or at the same time, when he wanted to be serious, it was really serious. Like he was so much more grown up than anyone else I knew. If we started talking about family and how messed up it could all be, it was like he was talking to my soul. Talking to a part of me that I kept very secretive. And if things got too serious where we were both angry or ready to cry, he’d tell me the dumbest joke he could dig up.

  ‘Hey, sugar, did you hear the one about the pencil with a broken tip?’

  ‘No…’

  ‘Eh, never mind… it’s pointless…’

  I laughed as I stood in the basement alone, wishing so hard that the door would open, and he’d be standing there. Just like the way I used to stand outside, at my old house, when Dan was yelling at my mother, wishing my real father would come and save me.

  My wishes never seemed to come true though.

  “Elena,” my mother’s voice called down the basement steps.

  I turned and saw her standing halfway up. “Yeah?”

  “You need to come up here. We need to talk.”

  I nodded.

  It was time to face the music.

  Sneaking a boy into the basement was probably a NO on my mother’s list. But I didn’t care. I would do it again tonight if Adam needed it.

  Just to see him smile after midnight. And hear one of his stupid jokes.

  He made me feel like everything was going to be okay… even if it wasn’t.

  * * *

  The side porch off the kitchen was so small, yet my mother insisted on putting two white plastic chairs and a black metal table on it. They didn’t match, and the white chairs were stained from the weather. They had a tint of black and green. But that was her favorite place to smoke.

  We sat there, each with a cigarette.

  “I like this spot,” she said. “I like the apple tree. Do you know why?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Not the best subject, but your father and I told each other we loved each other under an apple tree.”

  “Oh.”

  “There was a time when he wasn’t a complete loser. I know that means nothing to you. And I have no good reason to tell you this. I’m stalling, trying to figure out what to do with the fact that I caught my daughter with a boy hiding in my basement. And not just hiding… but he’s been sleeping there?”

  “Mom…”

  She put up a hand. “Now, I understand it. His mother never paid the electric bill and it’s summer. It’s probably not safe for him to be at his apartment right now anyway. So, you can probably figure out how torn this has me right now. I think it’s great that you and Adam are close like this. I really do. He’s a lucky person to have you, Elena. And believe me, I would never in my life want to see someone like Adam go without a home or electricity.”

  “But you’re pissed because it’s a boy.”

  My mother shrugged her shoulders.

  “I didn’t let him into my room, Mom,” I said. “I helped him. That’s all. He was in the basement. He slept. He woke up. He left.”

  “I know that. You did a lot for him. For the record, I gave him some money.”

  “What?”

  “Elena, I’m not mad. I don’t like the idea of you sneaking a boy into the house like that. But it could have been something entirely different. I have to laugh because you always seem to find situations for me that I’m never ready for.”

  “Meaning what?”

  “Meaning… I would maybe have rather found a boy in your room or your bed.”

  “Mom!”

  “I’m serious,” she said, laughing. “That way I can yell. I can kick his ass out. I can ground you. I can be mad at you. But you managed to do something good for someone. So, I gave him some money so he could get food. And I told him if the power isn’t back on he can stay here.”

  “What?”

  “He can sleep on the couch. I trust him. I trust you.”

  “Trust? You know I have…”

  … a boyfriend…

  The words refused to come to my lips though.

  “I know that. But let me ask you something. Why did you do it for Adam?”

  “Because he’s my friend. He needed me.”

  “Did you spend time with him in the basement?”

  The color of my cheeks gave away the answer. “Why…”

  “It’s okay, Elena. I like Adam. You seem happy around him.”

  “If I wasn’t, he wouldn’t be my friend,” I said.

  I heard the defensive tone in my voice and blushed even harder.

  I took a drag off the cigarette and hurried to put it out.

  “Are we done here?” I asked as I stood up.

  “Not quite,” she said. “I want you to be happy all the time, Elena.”

  “Mom…”

  “You had a boy in the basement. Overnight. I get my chance to talk now.”

  “Fine,” I groaned, and sat back down.

  “You’re going into your last year of high school,” she said. “This is it. After this, everything will change. And believe me, there will be a lot of people who don’t believe that. But it’s true. The second you graduate, it changes. There will be people you’ll never see again. There will be things you’ll think about years from now, wishing you could go back and change.”

  “Is that what happened to you?”

  “Well, it’s tough for me. Because I was with your father in high school. And without being with him, there wouldn’t be you. So, I can never look back and regret anything, Elena. But…”

  “If you take me away, you’d change everything,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “Yeah,” my mother said. “My point is… I want you to enjoy everything this year brings. That’s all.”

  “Which makes me wonder two things,” I said.

  She smiled. “Which are?”

  “Do you mean stop worrying about Adam? Let him figure out his own problems? Don’t let his problems become mine? Or… is this a suggestion about me being with Chad for my last year of high school?”

  “I’m just talking to you, Elena. That’s all. Just giving you my advice from what I lived through. Trust me, I know I’m not the greatest mother in the world, so at the very least, I can tell you what I did and how I feel now.”

  I regretted putting my cigarette out so fast. I was a little shaky, because my mother had touched on a nerve. There were certain things I didn’t think about because there was no good answer to my thoughts.

  Before I could say anything else to my mother, I heard the rumble of a car engine.

  It was Chad’s car. I knew the sound of it from a mile away.

  “Shit,” I said. “Chad’s here.”

  I blurted that out without thinking.

  “You don’t want to see him?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I’m kind of tired. I’m just… blah.”

  “Blah it is,” my mother said.

  Chad’s car engine died.

  I looked at her.

  I swallowed hard.

  “Go inside,” she said. “I’ll meet him at the front door.”

  “What are you going to do?” I asked.

  “Be quiet, Elena.”

  We both went inside.

  Chad knocked on the front door. Thankfully it had been locked or else he would have just walked in.

  I hid in the dining room and listened as my mother opened the door.

  “Hey Chad,” she said.

  “Hey Di,” he said. “Can I come in?”

  “Not right now.”

  “Why not?” he asked defensively. “Elena’s home, right?”

  “She’s home,” my mother said. “She’s not feeling all that great.”

  “Oh well. I’ll just hang with her then. Keep
her company.”

  “Chad, trust me, she’s not feeling well…”

  I cringed.

  I shut my eyes, fearing my mother was going to screw this up. Guilt bubbled in my stomach. I took a small step forward. I was better off just going to face Chad and tell him to go home.

  “Chad, you’re so thick sometimes,” my mother said. “She’s got her period. Okay?”

  “Oh, shit,” he said.

  I laughed, covering my mouth.

  “Yeah,” she said. “You want me to describe it in detail for you?”

  “Hell, no,” he said. “Just, uh, tell her, uh, feel better.”

  “Sure thing,” she said. “Bye, Chad.”

  The door shut, and I sighed.

  I turned, and my eyes moved to the dining room table. There was a black hoodie on top of it. It was Adam’s. He had taken it off this morning before my mother caught him in the dining room. He tried to take off, but my mother stopped him and let him get his bag from the basement. But he left the hoodie.

  I picked it up and hugged it, feeling like an idiot as I did so.

  Everything was kind of confusing.

  I figured by the time school started, things would work out.

  I was wrong.

  31

  Not So Alone

  ELENA

  (now)

  I kept stopping to stare at the ocean. There were so many ideas running through my head at once. My focus had drifted back to my novel just for the sake of my heart. Because no matter how far I walked or what I did, the ache in my chest wouldn’t let up. So, I thought about my book and came to the realization that I needed to make up an ending. It was now up to me to give these characters a sense of justice, so they could be happy and I could make Lucy happy.

  The sun had set. It was just me, the ocean, and a moon tucked high in the sky. It was the perfect amount of light too.

  So I just walked the shore.

  I let the waves walk their way up to my feet and they pulled away, back into the ocean, only to get sucked into another wave, then thrown forward at me again. There were so many clichés about the ocean and the waves. What they looked like. What they sounded like. What they represented.

  I stopped walking again and faced the water.