Neither Here Nor There
Page 9
“What’s the matter, Kim?” Jen asked while trying out different hairstyles in the mirror.
I just sat there. I couldn’t figure out what to say.
“Did Meer do something?” I shook my head, “no”. She thought for a moment, “Amber?” I shook my head “no” again and just laid back on her bed.
“It’s nothing. I’m just stupid,” I said.
“Well, I doubt if that’s it because you are like one of the smartest people I know.” She had her hair in two buns on the side of her head, like a black Princess Leia. I laughed.
“What? You don’t like it?” She switched to a whisper. “I have a date tomorrow.”
I sat up. “With who?” I asked.
“An older guy, someone you don’t know. He’s a friend of my cousin’s. I met him at his 21st birthday party last weekend.”
“Jen! He’d better not be out of high school.” She was suppressing a smile. “Jen! Seriously, how old?"
“Just 22, not that old, and he’s sooooo nice and soooo cute! And he has a job selling cars … and my mother met him and got along with him. It’s not like he’s a criminal or anything.”
“If he dates you, he’s going to be a criminal!” I say worried for my friend. “I thought your mom said no boyfriends until you are a senior?”
“Kim, I’m going to be 17 in two weeks. I’m practically an adult. I think I know what I’m doing.”
“How can you know what you are doing when I don’t know what I’m doing?” Jen looked at me.
“Ahhh … Kim, you have always liked challenges and complicated questions, that’s why you are the scientist and now you have decided to be gay, so more challenges and complications for you.” She said in her most affected voice.
“I did not choose to be gay, for your information, I just came this way.”
“You could have chosen to ignore it and not hook up with the biggest lesbian in school, perhaps?”
“True, I could have chosen to be someone else or maybe not to be me. Is that what you think I should have done?”
“Me? No, I think you should do what’s right for you. I support you no matter what but this is the harder road, you know?”
“Yeah, I see that. And you think by secretly dating a man you are taking an easier road?” Jen stopped her hair styling and looked at me. “No, it’s not a road, it’s just some fun. And let me show you a picture, he’s so sweet and cute and sexy!” She takes out her phone and scrolls through her pictures. When she finds the picture, she squeals and sighs and holds it for me to see. Light-brown skinned, with a mustache and goatee, he is wearing a suit and tie and standing in front of a shiny red car. Oh, he’s cute. I shake my head. He looks like trouble with a capital “T” to me but I see what she sees in him.
“Alonso Belafonte Malfis. My future husband.” I sigh and hand her back the phone. “Be careful, Jen. Please be careful.”
Chapter 13
By the end of my junior year, I am seventeen and getting ready for a big robotics competition. Meer had helped the girls’ varsity basketball team to a citywide championship, and Jen is pregnant. Meer and I haven’t figured out all of our romantic dynamics, but we know that we love each other and we are happy enough. It is the best of times for me, but the worst of times for Jen. Jen’s pregnancy set off a firestorm at her house and at our school. She is the fifth girl in eleventh grade to get pregnant, but it seems worse because it is so unexpected. Jen had never been in any trouble of any sort for the first 17 years of her life. Then she met Alonso and she changed. She met him right before Thanksgiving, and I barely saw her after that. I heard about their first date and their second but after that, I could never get a hold of her. She started cutting school and ditching any kind of school activities. I could tell she was under some kind of stress, but she wore his ring around her neck and always seemed to be swimming in gifts from him. So, I thought it was ok, though a little weird. Still, she kept calling him “my husband” so all seemed well. To be honest, I was too busy with my schoolwork and going to every one of Meer’s games to pay too much attention to Jen anyway. Meer and basketball took up a lot of time. Meer tried to get me to be a cheerleader, but I just could not bring myself to do that. Cheering and jumping around was just not my thing, and I was too busy with my academics. The STEM club had quite a few competitions, and I was just about finished fulfilling the requirements for the space camp scholarship though I was competing with everybody else in my club.
One of the last contests we had for the year was to compete at the statewide robotics competition. I was paired up with Savvy Montana, the new girl from Brooklyn. Beautiful and smart, Meer was jealous and wanted me to switch partners. I laughed it off, teasing her and taunting her to “up” her game. Secretly, I was excited and nervous. I tried hard not to be attracted to Savvy, but it was a losing battle so I did my best to keep my distance. I was determined to be neutral and focused on the work. That was my strategy.
We were to be working under the careful eyes of her overprotective parents at her house on the weekends, so I felt pretty comfortable with the situation … until I got there. Turns out, her parents didn’t think that I was somebody to worry about, so they put us in a workshop, in a garage, out in their backyard. It was very private.
Savvy knew I was gay. Because of the Amber situation and then my relationship with Meer, everyone knew I was gay. Savvy took it as a personal challenge. Every day we worked on the robot, I worked on being distant and professional, and she worked on me. I tried. I really tried, but she had anticipated my presence and knew my weaknesses. Day after day for a month, she picked my defenses apart until I had none. I was a wet, panting mess by the time she finally kissed me and I lost all self-control under her skillful tongue. By the time we came up for air, the sun had gone down, Meer had texted me five times and I was completely undone. Her parents called her in for dinner, and she left me grinning. I staggered out into the cool spring air trying to gather myself and get my lies straight. I texted Meer that I had to go talk to Jen because she was having a problem. Then I texted Jen to say she was having a problem if Meer called her. I put my phone away and got on the bus to go home. I felt awful for being a cheater, but worse for being a liar, too.
When I get to Jen’s house, she is sitting on the steps outside in the middle of a heated phone conversation. I am ready to lay my troubles down at her feet, but she is having her own problems so I sit down and wait. I sit and think about what I did, how Meer will feel if she finds out, how terrible a person I am and how I wish I could take it back. Lost in the detailed remembrances of my own treachery. (I can’t help thinking about Savvy and that kiss. That kiss! Oh my god!) I almost don’t notice Jen getting up and walking into the house.
“Hey, where are you going? I was waiting for you,” I exclaim. Jen stops and turns to me. “I’m just too tired and sad to talk right now, Kim. Maybe another day, ok?” she says. But I just stand up and say, “then we don’t have to talk. I’ll just sit next to you, ok? We haven’t hung out in so long. I’ve missed you, Jen. Oh, and look at your belly, I can see it! Your bump!” I stand up and walk towards her. She takes my hand and puts it on her small but robust belly. She smiles at me and says, “Ok, come on in. You’re right. I miss my girl!” We spend the night eating potato chips and drinking grape soda. I tell her about my cheating ways, and she tells me about what’s going on with her.
“He wanted me to have an abortion but I told him it was too late for that. Then he says he wants me to give the baby up for adoption. I don’t know. I know I’m young to have a baby and take care of a baby, but I think we could do it together. I told him I want to get married.”
I suck in a breath. Wow. “So what did he say?” I ask.
“He laughed, said I was fucking crazy and hung up the phone,” she says.
“That was just now?” I ask.
“No, that was a week ago. I was talking to his sister on the phone. He’s changed his phone number and won’t answer any of my calls or texts.” Je
n hangs her head down and starts to cry. I walk over to her and put an arm around her. She cries into my shoulder, long, deep, soul crushing sobs and for once, I forget about myself and just try to be there for her. When her sobs subside into shudders and sniffles, I look around for tissues for her. Her phone rings. She jumps up, grabs a tissue out of my hand and wipes her eyes and nose. She answers, “Hello?” Her voice is clear and strong, but her face is falling in disappointment. “Yes, she’s here.” She turns to me and hands me the phone, mouthing “Meer”.
I take the phone and start apologizing for not answering earlier, and for not telling her when I left Savvy’s and for not letting her know where I was. I tell her Jen needs me and that I’ll call her in a few. She tells me she needs me too and has been waiting all day to talk to me. I ask her what is it, but she wants to tell me in person. It’s late and I have to get home as it is. She begs; I already feel guilty so I tell her “yes”, and to meet me at my house as soon as she can get there. I hang up and look up at Jen. She waves me off and tells me to go.
“I’m tired anyway, Kim. Tired of crying, and tired of trying to figure out what to do. I’m going to go to bed. Call me tomorrow though, ok?” I nod, give her a big hug and head back out into the night.
Meer is there almost as soon as I get there. She’s in her usual black Adidas tracksuit, baseball cap, and a white t-shirt. She looks super excited but I make her wait outside while I ask permission for company. My mother is asleep and Big Walt is half-way there.
He says, “It's cool as long as she’s out by midnight and you guys keep it quiet. And no funny business, ok Kim?” I shrug and look offended, which I am. I usher Meer in, who nods to Big Walt and we head down into the basement “family room”. There isn’t much there: a TV, a sofa and a gazillion baby toys. We kick those out of the way and sit down.
“Now,” I say, “what is so important, Meer?” Her eyes widen and she inhales a deep breath.
“I got a call from Geno Auriemma today.”
I’m searching my brain but have no idea who that is.
She looks annoyed at my obvious ignorance. “The head coach for UConn? Only one of the best coaches ever at one of the best schools ever?” He wants to send down one of his assistant coaches to talk to me and watch me play in person!!!” She’s grinning from ear to ear and almost bouncing on the couch. I up my energy level and exclaim, “Aww baby! That is great news! UConn, even I have heard of them. I’m so happy for you. I hope it happens for you. I really do. You are such a great player!” She reaches over to give me a big squeeze.
“I’ve been waiting to tell you all day! Does that robot thing really take that long? Aren’t you two finished yet?”
The shame of my cheating hits me full force, and I struggle to maintain my face so she doesn’t see it. “Yeah, I reply. “We’re just about done. But come here, let’s celebrate.” I pull her down on top of me and kiss her. It takes a minute but soon we forget everything else except each other. I even manage to stop thinking about Savvy and how I just had her in my arms a few hours ago. Oh, I think, I am going to hell for sure. Then I stop thinking altogether.
Chapter 14
Life got a little more complicated after that night. Meer became obsessed with improving her game and skills before the UConn coach came. She spent most waking moments playing ball. I had to keep on her to keep up with her homework and studying.
“They will only take you if you actually graduate high school”, I would say. She scoffed but managed to maintain a C average.
Savvy and I finished our robot the following week, but her parents had to go out and left us with her little brother, Ramon. I was relieved. I didn’t want to cheat again but didn’t think I had the will power to resist her. She kept looking at me sideways but she kept her distance. Her brother was seven, curious about everything and very observant. After we tested it for the fifth time, I announced that I was going to leave, and she gave me a pouty face. She sent her brother on an errand for food and turned towards me.
“I missed you all week,” she said.
“Savvy, last week was … last week …. Look, I really like you but I have a girlfriend and I didn’t mean to do what we did,” I stammered.
“Hey, I’m not gay. I just had fun with you and I thought about you, that’s all. Amira, she’s your girlfriend, right?” I nod assent.
“Well,” she says, “I could just be your friend and we could just have fun sometimes. You know, science experiments …” She giggles and starts walking towards me, gazing into my eyes.
“Savvy, I … It’s not right …I can’t…”
Her brother interrupted our conversation when he came back with three bags of Doritos and handed them out. We crunched our chips while he kept up a steady stream of bragging about what he would do once he’s on the Robotics team. After I finished the bag and wiped my hands on my jeans, I got up to leave.
“Thanks for the chips. I’ll see you in school on Monday.”
“Ok, let me know if you change your mind,” she said.
“Ok, I will.” And I beat a hasty retreat. As I walked to the bus stop, I felt very proud of myself. I texted Meer that I was done and ready to hang out. She texted me back that she was playing ball with her brother and friends and was probably hanging with them all night. Disappointed, I headed home alone.
At the last minute, I decided to stop at Jen’s house. I arrived in the middle of an argument. I stopped outside the front door, but the upstairs window was open and I could hear everything.
“No daughter of mine is going to her prom pregnant! You will look ridiculous, like the whore I always knew you would turn out to be!”
“That’s just great Mom! I make one mistake, one mistake and now you hate me!!
“A baby is not a mistake, Jen; a baby is a life, a life that you had no business making and now have no way to support!”
“I will find a way to support my child, mom, with or without Alonso; don’t you worry. I won’t be a burden to you anymore!”
“Oh, don’t try to throw it back on me. I dedicated my life to care for you and support you and protect you. You decided to take all of that and throw it away after some man, some man you hardly know, and now that he got what he wanted he left you. I knew he was no good and I told you to stay away from him! But no! You just had to defy me! Now see what happens when you don’t listen to your mother! You are looking for pregnant prom dresses!”
Jen’s mom started bawling, and I could hear her leaving the room and the door closing behind her. Then I could just make out Jen’s quiet weeping. I texted her. I told her I was outside and asked if she wanted company or maybe wanted to get out for a while. I sat on the cold cement stoop and waited. A few minutes later, her front door opened and she stepped out.
“You heard everything?” she asked.
I nod.
“Yeah, it’s like that just about every night. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.” We started to walk down the street and pass my house.
“I’m really sorry Jen. The whole thing just sucks.”
“Yeah, I know. But she’s right about one thing, this is my problem, my responsibility.”
“So, what are you going to do?” I ask.
“The baby is due in August so I won’t be coming back to school. I think I’m going to just get my GED and then I’ll be finished with school.”
“Not coming back to school? But Jen!” The thought of her dropping out just shocked me. It had never occurred to me that she would quit school. We had been in school together since we learned to talk.
“Yeah, I know Kim but school is not the place for me anymore. It’s bad enough going now that I’m showing. How can I go when I have a little baby at home? Who’s going to take care of her? I’m already ahead enough in my classes that I can probably pass that GED today. So once I get my GED, I can get a job, maybe something at night. That way I can watch the baby during the day and Mom can watch the baby at night, when she’s here anyway.”
&n
bsp; I’m trying to wrap my head around this new Jen. This Jen who has to think ahead and make plans with her life. I can only nod.
“But that’s why I really want to go on this prom. It’s my last chance, you know.”
“Yeah, I get it. I hadn’t even thought about this prom. You know, it would be … weird.”
“Do you want to go with Meer?” she asks.
“I wouldn’t go with anyone else but I don’t know if I would do that. I think my mother would die of embarrassment and I don’t know. People “know” about us but a prom? It might be pushing it, you know?”
“Well, I’m going to be “pushing” it. If you two go, people won’t even notice me and my bump!”
“So you want to use me as a decoy? Is that it? That’s the love you have for me?” I give her a playful squeeze.