Offside

by Bianca Sommerland

  He had a feeling he knew where this was going. His gut twisted and he felt a little sick. If he was right . . . he ground his teeth. “Go on.”

  “Scott. I saw how you were with him after the cruise. But to be honest, I think the two of you becoming serious bothered me before that. I even . . . I talked to him and I made sure he knew I was okay with you sleeping together. Because I hoped that would be it. That you could have sex with him once in a while and—”

  “What?” Zach practically knocked over his chair as he stood. He didn’t shout, but he was tempted. “What did you say to him? And why did you tell me you were fine with it—?” He groaned. How stupid could he have been? She’d mentioned that things didn’t have to be serious between him and Scott. Because she’d figured Scott could be an outlet. For what? His “gay” urges? Did she really think he could just use Scott that way? “Becky . . . I love Scott. Do you understand that? I thought I made it clear that I don’t just fuck people. That I wouldn’t be involved with him—or you—unless there was more than sex.”

  “You did. But you were with him and I didn’t want you to feel you had to hold back for me.”

  “I was holding back for me. Yes, part of it was for us because I’ve seen you together. I didn’t want him to hurt you, but I never thought . . .” Zach ran a hand over his face, repeating slowly, “What did you say to him?”

  “I told him I was okay with it . . . no, actually, I encouraged him to go after you. I already apologized to him for what I said.” She spoke in a rush. “It wasn’t right. He means more to you. To me. And I—”

  “What exactly did you say to him?”

  Becky’s throat worked as she swallowed. She hugged herself, the tendrils of hair that came loose from her bun hiding her face. “I said something about it not always needing to be a full-course meal. That you needed a snack.”

  “You called him a snack? You . . .” Breathe, Pearce. He kept his tone cautiously level. “Is that how you see him? Is that really what you think I need?”

  “No. But I was afraid you couldn’t love us both. And if you did, he’d do something to—” She shook her head and sat up straight. “There’s no excuse for what I did. And you have every right to be angry. But—”

  “I’m not angry. I’m very, very disappointed. I thought you could be honest with me and you weren’t.” His lips thinned. “But there’s more. This all happened before our scene. You seemed fine when I came back from the cruise. Only, you weren’t, were you?”

  She blinked fast. Shook her head. “No.”

  He pressed his fist against his mouth, inhaling through his nose. “You put on a good act. When did you decide you were going to leave?”

  Her words were so quiet, he had to stop breathing to hear her. “When you told Scott there was more.”

  “And that changed how you felt about me? About whether or not I could be the man for you—be the man your daughter needs? Do you really think I’m so limited that caring for Scott would make me love either of you less?”

  “I don’t think that—not anymore. But I did. I can accept coming second—or even third—in your priorities.” She stood, clasping her hands in front of her skirt, moving like she wanted to come to him, but wasn’t sure she should. “I can’t accept that for Casey.”

  Why not say so then? He didn’t understand. Apparently, her feelings had changed, but the fact remained that she’d sooner leave and cut him out of her life completely than have a simple conversation. And maybe they could work on that. Do things differently from this point on. Except . . .

  “You’d decided to leave before I tied you up. Before I . . .” He ran his tongue over his teeth and glared at the ceiling. A good act? How about the performance of a lifetime? He considered himself an observant, attentive Dom. He might as well have blindfolded himself before taking the flogger to her. “Do you realize you have triggers because you’ve played with ‘Doms’ who didn’t care if you were scared, or hurt, or not in the mood to be fucked? I have done everything in my power to avoid being one of them.”

  “You’re not, Zach!” She approached him then, reaching out, but he couldn’t let her touch him. Couldn’t let her think anything she said would make this okay. A tear spilled down her cheek, and it took all his strength not to pull her into his arms as she hugged herself. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.”

  “You lied to me, Becky. Again and again. Not only with your words, but with your body.” He saw her again. Bound. Exposed. Helpless. He’d pushed her limits, thinking she trusted him. But she didn’t. And he had no reason to trust her. “I’m scared for you, Becky. You seem to think a sub’s responsibility in a scene ends the second a Dom chooses her to play with. But you can’t simply let things happen to you. The way you play is downright dangerous.”

  “But I trust you, Zach! I wouldn’t have done anything with you if I didn’t!”

  He gave her a hard look. “First of all, don’t shout at me. You aren’t right because you speak louder. Second, you don’t trust me or you would have been honest about your feelings.”

  “So that’s it? You’re done with me?” She let out a broken sob. “I love you. I made a mistake. Tell me how to make this right.” When he didn’t answer, she dropped to her knees in front of him. “Please, Sir. I—”

  “Get up.” He held out his hand, pressing his eyes shut as she placed her wrist in it like a sub giving over control. He couldn’t handle her doing that right now. He pulled her to her feet. “You only kneel to me when my collar is around your neck. And I can’t say when I will put it there again.”

  “Sir—”

  “Zach. I can’t be your master, Becky.” Damn it, he couldn’t stand to see her crying. And he didn’t want to let her go. He should. If he was smart, he would. Screw that. “Shh. Tell me what you want. You’ve told me what you’ve done, and why, but not what you want from me now.”

  “I ruined everything.” Her whole body shook as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her forehead against the center of his chest. “I want another chance. I want you to forgive me. But I have no right to ask that of you. No one would blame you for walking away from me.”

  “I can’t do that. I still love you.” He kissed her hair. As a Dom, he knew letting this go was wrong. But as a man, all he saw was the women he loved, coming back to him. “I gave Scott another chance. Do you really expect me to give you any less?”

  “Scott . . . you have to know I don’t want you to give him up. And before you argue that I shouldn’t make it okay to make you happy, I want to make this very clear. I tried to pretend that I accepted him for you, but there’s something between me and him.” She tipped her head back, fine lines forming around her eyes. “I don’t know what it is, but I’m done trying to figure out how it fits with my role as a mother. Because I’m more than a mother. Casey doesn’t need to know everything I do. She won’t be calling you both Daddy.”

  “She doesn’t have to call either of us ‘Daddy’ for us to be there for her.”

  “Right. So . . . if it’s not over—”

  “It’s not over.” Zach managed a thin smile. He wasn’t sure what they had anymore, but he wasn’t ready to give up on it completely. “You were saying?”

  “Can we try this? The three of us?” She sniffed and swiped away her tears with an impatient gesture. “I think we can make it work.”

  “So do I.” Zach cupped her cheek in his palm, studying her face as he spoke. Which might be pointless. She was very good at hiding how she really felt. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Scott. Your relationship with him doesn’t revolve around me. I believed that you were comfortable with me moving forward with him, and I have. Feel free to do the same, at your own pace. I won’t tell you what to do with him, but I’ll always be here if you need to talk to me. And I hope you will.” He paused. If she was going to have a relationship with Scott, she had to know it wouldn’t be easy. “He’s shared a bit about his past. The interview where he spoke about his fo
ster sister. He told me about his brother’s gambling addiction once when he was drunk. But there’s more he isn’t ready to share yet. He says he wasn’t abused, but . . . I’m not sure I believe him. Something happened to him. He might not even remember it, which would explain a lot.”

  “He needs you. I don’t think anyone’s ever cared enough to see that there’s a reason for the way he acts.” She frowned. “Actually, I never considered it, and that makes me feel like even more of a bitch. I did stories on him, exposing all his antics because the viewers loved it. I . . . I only ever refused to dig deeper when it came to you. I respected what you did for Luke.”

  “I can handle bad press. I have a brand-new, solid contract that should keep me with the team for years. Scott’s future with the team is still uncertain. If we’re going to be with him, we need to help him get through this. He’s so close, but . . .” Zach shook his head. “One wrong move could ruin his chances.”

  “We’ll make sure he behaves.” Becky smiled as though relieved that they’d found some common ground. There was hope in her eyes. “So . . . are we okay? Maybe after I finish we can—”

  Not yet. It’s too soon. This time he was the one who couldn’t meet her eyes. “I have a meeting with my agent in an hour. Then I’m going to the food shelter with Ramos. Tonight’s no good.”

  “Oh.” Becky moved away from him. “I have a busy week too. We can always meet at the club this weekend and—”

  “No.” Zach sighed. He wouldn’t react to her dishonesty with more of the same. He had to be up-front with her. “Becky, I’ll need some time before I can play with you again. To make sure we have the trust we need to explore the lifestyle.”

  “Will we ever?” Becky tucked her hair behind her ears, the pallor of her skin even more apparent with the black smudges of mascara under her eyes. She looked worn out. “Do you think I can regain your trust?”

  He nodded, taking her hand and bringing it up to his lips. He kissed her knuckles, praying it would be enough to let her know the situation wasn’t hopeless. Because he couldn’t give her more right now. “If you really understand why pretending everything all right when it’s not is a problem? Yes. But I need to see you being honest, Becky. Be open with me about your feelings. And give me some time. It’s not just my trust in you that’s been shaken.”

  “It isn’t?” Her eyes widened. She frowned. “Did Scott—”

  “Not Scott.” He took a deep breath and released her hand. “Myself. However well you hid your fears from me . . . I can’t help but think I would have noticed if I’d been paying more attention. If I hadn’t been so confident in my ‘skills’ as a Dom.” As he spoke, it became clear to him that he wasn’t entirely blameless. Maybe she’d been right all along. Maybe he’d been lying to himself about how much he’d wanted Scott from the beginning. And if he couldn’t be sure of his own feelings, how could she? “If we ever play again I need to—”

  “If?” Becky shook her head. “Zach, this is something we both need. Are you going to scene with someone else?”

  Zach let out a bitter laugh. At this point, the last thing on his mind was playing the Dom again. “Not without supervision. But if you want to go to the club, I won’t object. Just . . .” He rolled his shoulders as the muscles within drew taut. He hated the idea of her sceneing with another Dom, but he wouldn’t force her to go without the release she needed just because he couldn’t give it to her. “Just be careful.”

  “I don’t want anyone else, Zach.” Her cell phone buzzed on her desk. She checked it, then pressed ignore, keeping her gaze on it as she spoke. “I want you.”

  He had no idea what to say to that. This would take some time to process. So he stepped up to her and kissed her cheek. “You should get back to work. I’ll give you a call when I’m free. Maybe we can go to a movie or something this weekend.”

  “Zach . . . ?”

  “Yes?” He paused, hand on the door, and glanced back at her.

  The pleading in her eyes cracked the cement shell encasing his heart, leaving his once solid defenses nothing but dust. If he stayed any longer, he might let her talk him into just about anything, if only to see her smile again.

  Tough it out. You can’t be the Dom she needs. Not yet.

  “Becky, you have to work and I have to see my agent. I can’t—”

  “I love you.” She wrapped her arms around her ribs, looking down. “That’s all I wanted to say.”

  He swallowed and managed to smile. His pulse pounded hard in his skull. “I love you too.”

  But when is love ever enough?

  * * * *

  For about half an hour, Scott had totally immersed himself in playing Red Dead Redemption on the Xbox 360 hooked up to the flatscreen TV in the lounge. But the second the door behind him opened, he let the poor bastard he’d been trying to save hang. He dropped the controller on the cushion behind him, twisting around to watch Zach picked up his bag and turn to leave.

  “Uh . . . do you need to talk or something?” Scott stood and walked around the sofa, not sure what to make of Zach’s distant expression. He didn’t looked as bad as he had that day he’d dropped, but it was damn close. “Or we can go out for supper.” Scott slapped his stomach, trying to keep things light. “I could use some advice on how to lose all this flab.”

  Zach’s brow rose, his steady gaze clearly saying “Are you serious?” Then he shook his head. “Not tonight, Scott. I’m sorry I had you wait, but I really need some time to myself.” He pressed his lips together, clenching and unclenching his fist at his side. “If anything, you should go make sure Becky’s all right.”

  Aw, fuck. “You didn’t dump her, did you? I told you to—”

  “I didn’t dump her. I asked for some time.” Zach’s eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me she called you on the cruise? That’s why you were drinking that night, isn’t it? Because of what she said?”

  Scott rubbed the back of his neck, thinking fast. Had he somehow screwed things up for them? Wait, when did I sign up for full disclosure? He stared back at Zach, his brow furrowed. “So let me get this straight. Me and Becky can be together, so long as we provide transcripts to every conversation?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Then what are you saying? Yeah, we talked. She made sure I knew she was okay with everything.” Scott shrugged. “Nothing wrong with that far as I can tell.”

  Zach tipped his head back and groaned. “Damn it, Scott! She told you it was okay for me to fuck you! She implied that it would be nothing more, and it bothered you—you didn’t think that was something I should know?”

  “It is okay for you to fuck me. She didn’t tell you to stop, did she?” Scott was a little confused. After his discussion with Becky earlier, he doubted she’d do that, but who knew anymore? “I thought me and her were good.”

  “She called you a fucking snack. You’re more than that.”

  “You’ve made that perfectly clear, and I’m happy with where things are going with us.” Scott rolled his eyes as Zach made a frustrated sound and disappeared into the hall. He followed after a few seconds, making sure there was no one around before he shouted, “I’m missing something here! I’m supposed to be okay with you leaving her over something this stupid?”

  Dropping his bag by the garage door, Zach strode back up to Scott and latched on to his shoulder, giving him a hard shake. “If you had said something like that to her, if you made her feel like that, I’d fucking knock you on your ass. All I did was ask her for some time.”

  “And what would you do if I hurt her and left you to pick up the pieces?” Scott shoved Zach’s hand off his shoulder. “All because of something she said? To me?” He let out a sharp laugh. “I’m a big boy. And I’ve had people call me worse. Get over it.”

  “It’s not that simple. She wanted to leave me before the scene we did. She wasn’t honest with me and—” Zach scraped his nails over his scalp. “I don’t expect you to understand. Do what you want.”
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  “Always do, buddy.” Scott retreated a few steps, not liking the idea of letting Zach leave all pissed off. Zach had told him that his relationship with Becky was between the two of them. He guessed that worked both ways. If Zach and Becky had issues, maybe he needed to let them work it out. And make sure they both knew his door was always open. He spoke before Zach could pass through the garage door. “Hey, Zach?”

  Holding the door open with his shoulder, Zach stopped, but didn’t look back. “Yeah?”

  “You don’t want me taking off on you, don’t do it to me.” Scott’s lips quirked. “I expect at least a call tonight.”

  Zach looked taken aback. But then he laughed. “I’ll call. I promise.”

  That felt like a win. Scott ambled down the hall, feeling more than a little pleased with himself. Quite the change, Zach and Becky needing him to be the reasonable one. Not time to celebrate just yet though. He hesitated by the stairs, then changed direction, heading for the elevator. He should conserve his energy. He had a feeling it would be a long night.

  And not in a good way.

  * * * *

  A single tear plopped on Becky’s keyboard. Then another. She rolled her chair away from her desk, blinking fast and swallowing against the urge to break down and sob. If she started, she wasn’t sure she’d ever stop.

  Zach might say he’d give her another chance, but she wasn’t sure he could. Things had been so wonderful between them. She’d never forget their time together. And at this point, all she might have was those memories. Because she doubted Zach would ever look at her, ever hold her, the same way again.

  What did I do? The sob tore out of her chest and she couldn’t hold it in anymore. What the hell did I do?