Man Down (A Rookie Rebels Novel)

by Kate Meader

  A glamorous granny with a silver bob and fire-engine-red lipstick approached them.

  “You must be Sadie! My Theodore told me all about you and your NO GOOD FATHER.” Thankfully Jenny and Nick hadn’t arrived yet with the kids. “Don’t worry, we don’t hold anyone’s relatives against them here. Lord knows, Theo would be DAMNED TEN TIMES OVER with the blood running through his veins.”

  “Gran, stop it.” Theo called over his shoulder while one of the other grannies felt up his bicep. “You’re scaring her.”

  Theo’s grandmother ignored him. “And as for Elle, if we were to judge her by that Bonnie and Clyde nest of vipers she climbed out of, she’d be in BIG TROUBLE.” Bonnie and Clyde? Sadie shot a frantic look at Gunnar who was rocking that grin-fighting move she loved. “Oh, where are my manners? I’m Aurora. And this dress of yours is DIVINE.”

  “Made it herself,” Gunnar murmured. “All her stuff is gorgeous.”

  “You did?” Aurora pulled at the sleeve of her pink jacket. “See the stitching quality there? What do you think? My friend Marguerite did it but she can’t SEW FOR SHIT.”

  It was a touch sloppy. Not that Sadie would ever say so or even have a chance to get a word in.

  “Of course, she’s making the costumes for the show so we have to be nice to her. She’s all we’ve got! HAVE YOU SEEN CATS?”

  “I have not.”

  “You’re going to love it! Much better than the movie. But Marguerite’s costumes make us look like something from the ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU. Human-animal hybrid lab experiments!” She switched her attention to Gunnar. “Now there’s a face I’ve missed. Come here to me, gorgeous.”

  She barely came up to Gunnar’s pec, so the hug was awkward yet clearly heartfelt. Gunnar kissed the top of her silver head.

  “How’s it going, Aurora? You still making those killer brownies?”

  “You betcha! And now that it’s legal, I’m adding some extras to the adult-only versions.” She gave a hammy wink. “Just kidding. They’re exactly the same as before. I fought the law and my brownies won!”

  She directed her attention to Sadie again. “You know, this bruiser here took my Theo under his wing when he first played out in LA after Theo was drafted. My poor grandson, ALL ALONE in the city, miles from home, and his captain made sure he didn’t get into any trouble. Especially with girls. Theo’s too nice for his own good and so DARN HANDSOME. Girls will always take advantage. Gunnar would call me once a week to keep me in the loop.” She reached up and stroked Gunnar’s cheek. “Such a good man.”

  Gunnar blushed. “Anyone would have done it.”

  “But no one else did, Gunnar Bond. That was you and it goes to show what a decent person you are. Now, I’ve put you two in the coach house out back because I figured you’re a new couple and you could do with the privacy. The rest of us will be in the main house and WON’T HEAR A THING! You can moan and scream to your hearts’ content.”

  Gunnar’s complexion deepened even more, while Sadie laughed her head off.

  Aurora took Sadie’s arm. “Theo says you work with a PUSSY EXPERT in Hollywood! I want to hear all about it!”

  29

  Aurora had set up a large movie screen in the yard with top billing a highlight reel of Theo’s best moments of the season. “It’s as if she thinks you win all the games single-handedly,” Gunnar commented to Kershaw. After they suffered through that, she rolled out the Toy Story movies for kids and adults alike.

  He’d worried it might be awkward, with people asking him constantly about his intentions toward Sadie. But no one made a fuss. Theo and Gunnar were on cookout duty, which gave Theo an opportunity to test his ideas about Hunt’s bachelor party.

  “Some people do scotch tastings,” Theo said. “Do you like scotch?”

  “Not really. More to the point, does Hunt?”

  “I don’t know.” Theo prodded a burger on the grill.

  “Quit touching it. Let it cook.”

  “Okay, Dad.” He blinked, then shook his head. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.”

  Theo nudged closer. “Is this weird for you? Hanging out with us?”

  Gunnar assumed he meant hanging with someone else’s family. The kids were older, so he didn’t feel that same gut-wrench of his memories. But neither did he jump in to touch Elle’s bump like everyone else did whenever she mentioned the baby kicking.

  Daddy, brush my hair. I want the pink barrettes with the ponies on them.

  “No. I wouldn’t be here if it was.”

  “Wouldn’t you though? Sounds to me like you’re here to protect Sadie and Lauren. You might choose this as the lesser of two evils.”

  He glanced over at Sadie, currently licking the salt on the rim of her margarita glass in a way that had to be illegal in several states. She caught his eye and added a wicked smile, and he looked away because Jesus, any longer, and he’d be hard.

  “They’d have been fine without me here. I don’t think whoever is hassling them would follow them to Saugatuck.”

  “So you’re here for me?”

  “Yes, Theodore, it’s all about you.”

  “Knew it.” He poked at the burger again because he couldn’t leave well enough alone. That’s what’s known as a metaphor, kids.

  “I’m going to cut some onions,” Gunnar said, resigned.

  “So you can hide your tears of bro-joy. Understood.”

  Sure. Gunnar headed to the kitchen, wishing he could be alone with Sadie. Despite the embarrassment Aurora’s “good deed” had caused, he actually appreciated the idea they’d have more privacy later. If he hadn’t worried about questions, he’d have stopped somewhere on the way to Saugatuck and brought her off like he’d done in the Home Depot parking lot. Instead, they’d talked and it was as easy as the texts with Angel.

  Slicing onions and pickles, he thought back to the conversation on the ride down. He really should call Kurt, or at least shoot him a text to say hello this holiday weekend. He took out his phone and scrolled to the contacts, but didn’t get any further than the A’s. He inputted a message to Angel:

  Could do with some help in the kitchen.

  The reply came back in a flash. Sorry, on vacation.

  Damn. That was cold.

  Gunnar: Actually I could do with some “special” help.

  Angel: While Toy Story 2 is on? For shame, sir.

  That had him smiling like a loon and his cock stirring with interest. That’s what Sadie did to him. Made him laugh and turned him on.

  Gunnar: I hope you’re having a good time.

  Gunnar: Sorry if Aurora is being nosy. She and Theo are

  He took a deep breath and tried again.

  Gunnar: I’m thinking about calling my brother. It’s been a while.

  He’d probably love to hear from you, she texted back. Bet he misses clucking.

  Gunnar: Sometimes that degree of care feels like deadweight. I don’t want to be a burden to him. To anyone.

  Angel: You could never be. Not for family. And then after a pause, Not for people who care about you. Family, team, friends.

  The team had been there for him. His family were always there for him, even as he pushed them away. He and Sadie were friends, just as he and Angel were. He wanted to talk to her, like they had before.

  Gunnar: I’ve been dreaming about my daughter. Easier to pretend it was a dream, rather than an unbidden vision.

  Angel: What is she doing in the dream?

  Gunnar: Making me brush her hair. She loved when I did that. Fifty times, Daddy, she’d demand. Sometimes I’d worry about brushing it right out of her skull. It was so golden and fine.

  Angel: Sounds like a princess.

  Gunnar: She was. I spoiled her rotten. Danny was more sensitive and—shit, he hadn’t thought about this for a while, but the truth of it caved his chest in. I don’t hear his voice. At all.

  A full minute passed before she answered. Probably because your daughter was louder. Her voice still carries. He’s
still there, only quieter.

  Perhaps. He worried it was because Janie was his favorite. Of course, he adored Danny but Janie had always had more of his attention.

  Her screams were the loudest, but Danny hadn’t screamed at all. He was already dead.

  Gunnar: Sorry, get back to Toy Story.

  Angel: Okay. But you might want to come out soon because Theo’s just burned the hot dogs.

  “Midnight and the kitties are sleeping …”

  “Those are not the words,” Lauren screeched from the back seat.

  Gunnar’s eyebrows rose in that way Sadie adored. “You sure? My favorite was Magical Mr. Rhinocerous.”

  “Not his name. Or the name of the song,” Lauren said, half-grinning.

  “I don’t know,” Gunnar slid a look to Sadie. “Because that’s about as sensible as any other cat name in the Cat Show.”

  It turned out that Lauren knew all about it, being a fan of Taylor Swift, and wouldn’t hear a word against the play or the movie.

  “Still don’t know what it was about,” Sadie said.

  “It’s about getting to Heaven,” Lauren said, as animated as Sadie had ever heard her. She didn’t even get this excited about hockey. “One of the cats will be chosen to go to Heaven at the Jellicle Ball.”

  “And every one of them got a song,” Gunnar deadpanned.

  “Aurora was really good,” Sadie offered. “Even when she stood on that other cat’s tail. She handled it like a pro.”

  “Unlike the other cat who screeched as if her actual tail had been stood on.” Gunnar rolled in his lips. “That whole thing was pretty wild, though.”

  “It was!” She shot a glance at Lauren in the rear view mirror. “But good. You liked it, right, Lauren?”

  “I suppose.” Back to the sullen version. She returned to her phone and ignored them for the rest of the ride back to Aurora’s house.

  The hour was late, and everyone was soon heading to bed, worn out by the activities of the day. Sadie sat out on the back deck, gazing at the stars.

  “It’s pretty around here. Quiet, too.”

  Gunnar sat beside her on the sofa and tangled a finger in her hair.

  “Maybe tomorrow Lauren should ride with us on the way back,” Sadie said, thinking on how she could connect with her. “She seems to like you. She’s different around you than she is with me.”

  “She’s just having a rough time. It’s not personal.”

  “It certainly feels that way.”

  He released a curl, started on another one. “You two have a lot in common. You both lost your mom young. That could create an opening.”

  Perhaps, but she didn’t want to force Lauren to talk about her mother, just so Sadie could assure herself she was doing something. “I worry about everything blowing up. Making it worse.”

  “You’re not big on confrontation.”

  She thought about that. “Challenging other people tends to strip an argument to the bone. And it opens you up to truths you might not like to hear about yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to go along to get along.”

  “Settle.”

  “Depends on the situation. I don’t usually put up with crap. I didn’t from you.”

  “No. Why is that?”

  She smiled. “I guess I’d had a bad day and I didn’t know you. It was easier to push back because I didn’t owe you anything. I didn’t care about your butt hurt feelings. All I knew was that you were wrong, I was right, and I wasn’t going to put up with your nonsense.”

  His mouth twitched.

  “Oh shut up, Mr. Know-it-all! Of course it’s easier to push back against a stranger.”

  “But it shouldn’t be. It should be easier with the people you know and love. You shouldn’t feel you have to present a different, more palatable version of yourself to your father, your friends, your boss. These people take pole positions in your life. They should see the real you. The person you showed to me in those texts. The person you were when we first met and I screwed up. Don’t tiptoe around Lauren. She wants you to talk to her straight.”

  “She won’t like what I have to say.”

  “She doesn’t like what you have to say now, this LA or bust idea. Tell her what’s in your heart, Sadie. She’ll get it. She’s a smart kid.”

  Sadie slumped in the sofa and folded her arms. “When did you get so wise?”

  “I’ve had a lot of time to think.”

  She bet. “What was it like, living in that cabin?”

  “Perfect, for a while. Everything I needed was there. Wood, coffee, self-flagellation.” He gave a wry smile, a testament to self-awareness and progress, she assumed.

  “But people wouldn’t leave you alone. Your brother. Your parents. Pro hockey came calling. Everyone wanted you to get on with it.”

  He assessed her for a beat. “Grief is embarrassing for most people. They want to think it has a set timetable, that one day, it will go away and you’re ready to live again. Everyone has been telling me that sex is a great first step. That it will open up the floodgates of emotion. That it will heal me.”

  She waited, her heart in stasis, knowing what would come next. Dreading it.

  “I don’t want to be healed, at least not in a way that makes me forget about them. I know that’s unhealthy, but I can’t help how I feel. Holding on to the pain keeps me connected to them.”

  There it was, in the starkest terms imaginable. If she was thinking of getting any high-falutin’ ideas, she’d better think again. He was not for her.

  It irked her that he might think himself so irresistible and her so weak.

  “Have I given you the impression I want more?”

  “No.” He blew out a breath, studied her. “I was trying to be honest. I know you understand. You’re pretty damn understanding.” Was that a criticism? She was seeing it everywhere. “This isn’t personal, Sadie. I can’t give any woman a hundred percent right now.”

  “Hundred percent of your penis will suffice, Bond.” That’s what he wanted to hear, anything that kept it light and kept the demons at bay.

  His shoulders eased. He’d stripped off a layer, revealed some inner turmoil, and re-established the status quo. He was probably embarrassed about their earlier text exchange.

  He can’t hear his son’s voice anymore.

  It had taken every ounce of her willpower not to rush into the kitchen and comfort him. Instead, she’d played it the way he wanted, with cool detachment.

  “C’mere.” He reached for her and pulled her into his arms, greeting her lips with a kiss for the ages. They were back in his playground with the fences in place and the sand plenty neat, waiting for the games to begin.

  He swiped a thumb across her bottom lip. “You’re an incredible woman.”

  She heard the but in there. Just not incredible enough for the broken Gunnar Bond.

  She wanted to be. She might not be enough for her father, but she could be for Lauren.

  And she could be for this hurting man before her.

  30

  Before sunrise, Gunnar left a sleeping Sadie—and man, that woman loved her zzzz—and headed down to the kitchen of the coach house to start coffee. He already had a visitor.

  Theo was sitting at the table, a smoothie in his hand and a smartass grin on his face.

  “Double-O, how’d you sleep? That mattress is pretty awesome, isn’t it?”

  Gunnar opened the cupboard and let him prattle on about Elle’s snoring and waffle irons and the new moisturizer he was hawking on Instagram. Once he had the coffee measured out and the drip started, he turned and folded his arms.

  “I’m guessing Aurora reminded you.”

  Theo made a face. Busted. “She mentioned it last night. Hell, I’ve been so wrapped up in everything that it never even occurred to me that this would be the worst weekend to drag you to watch some community theater on the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan.”

  Every July 4th, on the anniversary of his family’s death, Aurora checked in with
him, usually with a voice mail because he never answered the phone on that day. She just wanted to acknowledge the lives of these beautiful people taken too soon.

  His brother had texted this morning already, letting him know he was available to talk. Similar concern was likely behind Dante’s text last night, encouraging Gunnar to stop by Harper and Remy’s big cookout on the way home from Saugatuck. For some strange reason, Jorgenson decided to say his piece with a DM on Twitter—Gunnar never even updated his Twitter so that was a surprise. Finally Isobel had called to say Vadim would very much appreciate if Gunnar would show his face at Chase Manor.

  No one wanted him to be alone, and for the first time in three years, he didn’t want that either.

  “I’m okay. Really.”

  Theo rubbed his mouth. “Is there anything you’d like to do? Some way to acknowledge the day?”

  “I’d like to make Sadie a cup of coffee, then sit out on the deck and watch the sunrise.” He would like to live in the moment instead of the past.

  “Got it.” Theo stood and held out his arms. “Bring it in, big guy.”

  “Kershaw.”

  “Don’t leave me hangin’, brother.”

  Jesus. He gave Theo the physical demonstration of affection the man needed, then curled a hand around his neck. “You’re going to make a great dad, Theo.”

  “I sometimes wonder. With Nick and everything.”

  “Not genetic. It’s all down to you and what’s in here.” He bumped his fist lightly against Theo’s pec. “You’ve got this.”

  His friend’s eyes went soft. “Thanks, man.”

  As Theo headed out, Gunnar said, “Do me a favor, T.”

  “Anything.”

  “I know you tell your girl everything but could you hold off on mentioning what day it is? I’d rather not make Sadie feel awkward if I don’t have to.”

  Theo’s brow rumpled. “You sure about that?”