If it hadn’t resulted in hauling one Dr. Alexander Hathaway into custody and bringing down the real criminal in the whole mess, Geri was sure they’d all have been court-martialed. Division One had been created by a bunch of ex-military men, and they’d kept several of the military’s longstanding traditions, including the court-martial.
Not that it would be so bad. Alex was right about the job, at least. She hated it. She’d gone after it in the first place to finally impress her father—something she’d never managed to do. And while the job had been a challenge she’d enjoyed for a time, that time was over. She didn’t want to be shooting at anybody anymore, didn’t want anybody shooting at her. She had no idea what she wanted, except she wanted it to be real. No more pretend woman. No more lies.
Sometimes, when she missed Alex so much it hurt, she thought maybe she’d be better off if she could go back to the way it had been before she’d learned to laugh and to smile and to feel with an intensity that left her heart aching. But she couldn’t go back, couldn’t be that coldhearted robot of a woman. Geri wanted to be utterly alive and free and happy, wanted to experience everything the world had to offer-but she wanted to do it with Alex.
She didn’t have any experience at all with love, but she thought deep down that what Alex had shown her was the real thing. She just didn’t know whether it meant anything to him. If it did, his heart should be breaking right about now. Either that or he should be with her.
There was a shred of logic inside her that said he could very well be as busy as she was. That likely he had been taken into custody the minute he was conscious. Someone had probably been standing over him in the emergency room reading him his rights. But that was logic, and Geri had used up an excessive amount of it during her first twenty-nine years of life—maybe a lifetime’s shares which meant she was now running on sheer emotion.
She’d spent her nights alone and weepy—needy—and her days answering questions for a bunch of bureaucrats and military men, the low point of which had been a grilling before the Senate Intelligence Committee. Everybody had wanted to know what had gone so wrong at Division One, and how to fix it.
Next, they’d spent even more time trying to put Division One back together after figuring out exactly what Tanner had done and why and how he would be punished. It had been a gut-wrenching process for them all, and she knew the agency would never be the same after this.
Even worse, the entire division was in the doghouse again. At first, no one could be sure that Tanner was the only traitor, so Division One had been taken totally out of the loop where Alex was concerned. Some other agency was handling him, and information was available strictly on a need-to-know basis. As far as Geri was concerned, she definitely had a need to know, but she doubted anyone up the military chain of command would agree.
All she knew was what the public knew—that he’d been taken into custody and was being held at an undisclosed location pending the outcome of an investigation into Doc’s death. Nothing about the explosives formula had come out.
Geri drummed her fingers on the mantel and looked up at the antique clock. Twelve excruciating minutes had passed since the appointed time for dinner. It was totally unlike her father to be anything but punctual. She was still pondering the oddness of that when the doorbell rang. Hastings, her father’s most proper English butler, conscientious to a fault regarding his duties, was nowhere to be found, which was odd, too.
Shaking her head, Geri went to the front door and flung it open without a thought, only to find Alex Hathaway standing on the General’s doorstep, a familiar, wicked-looking red motorcycle parked behind him on the street.
Geri blinked at him, thinking he had to be an apparition—the figment of a stressed-out, sleep-deprived, half-crazed mind. For a minute, she could only stare.
He was wearing a crisp white shirt and a pair of disreputable-looking jeans—frayed at the knees, faded to the palest of blues—which hugged his body every impressive inch of the way from his waist to his feet. His hair long enough to brush his collar, lips twisting into a wry smile, he looked just the way she remembered—when she could block out those awful last few minutes they’d spent together. When she could keep from closing her eyes and seeing him as he lay on the floor of that motel room, bleeding and pale and utterly still, refusing to respond to any pleas she made, any curses she uttered.
She watched now as that wry smile stretched into a fullblown, thousand-watt Alex Hathaway smile, one that had her feeling a little light-headed and simply incapable of speech.
“Hi,” he said. “The General said you wanted to see me.”
“He did?”
Alex nodded. “Think I could come inside, Geri?”
“Uh... Sure.” She stepped back to let him pass, drinking in the sight of him. He had a small ponytail at the nape of his neck. She remembered burying her nose in that spot to keep it warm, that crazy night they’d gone riding at two in the morning and made love on the side of a mountain in the cold, cold air, without even feeling the chill at all until they were sated.
Had they truly done that? Had she?
She’d wake, achingly lonely, after dreaming of him, her body soft and warm and needy. Sometimes she could swear she remembered everything about him, and other times, she thought she’d imagined it all—the magic, the exhilaration, the laughter.
God, she hadn’t laughed since she last saw him.
Which had been four excruciating weeks ago, she reminded herself.
It hurt to even think how he’d changed her life so fundamentally, for the better she’d thought, and then had disappeared, leaving her more alone than ever, showing her how unimportant she was to him.
It was even worse than with her father, because she’d never felt the General really loved her. But Alex... She’d believed in Alex. She’d thought him some truly magical creature who was going to transform her completely into someone who could find joy in every single moment. Which was sheer nonsense, really. He was just a man. A man who’d left her, forgotten her. She felt utterly deserted.
It reminded her of the times her father used to parade her for show, when he needed to look the part of a family man, and then he would tuck her back into some convenient corner with a nanny or a tutor, or at boarding school. That had hurt. But not like this. Rationally, she knew they weren’t the same things—she and Alex, she and her father. But she wasn’t the calm, rational woman she’d once been. She’d been profoundly changed by Alex Hathaway, whether she liked it or not.
Taking a breath, squaring her shoulders, she demanded as coldly as possible, “What do you want, Alex?”
He frowned. “You know,” he said, rocking back on his heels and digging a hand into his pocket. “I was thinking we could either do this the easy way or the hard way.”
“Do what?” she asked.
“Talk.”
“We never talked,” she said defensively. “We argued.”
“But we did it so well,” he countered, smiling a bit. “God, I’ve missed arguing with you. I’ve missed you, Geri.”
Hell of a way to show it, Doctor, she thought, refusing to let herself say it aloud.
“I can tell it’s going to have to be the hard way,” Alex said.
“And what exactly is ‘the hard way’?”
He moved faster than she’d ever seen him—except when he’d been bound and determined to get himself shot. The next thing she knew, he’d slapped handcuffs onto her right wrist and his left one, binding them together.
Then he stood there waiting, that devilish smile on his face.
Geri raised her manacled wrist, which in turn brought his up as well, and shot him a venomous look. “Have you lost your mind?”
“According to you, I lost it a long time ago, babe.”
“Alex, this isn’t funny,” she whispered, her throat tight.
“I’m sorry,” he said, honestly seeming contrite. “Believe it or not, I’m not trying to do anything except make sure you hear me out, that you can�
��t get away until I’ve said what I came to say.”
“I could hurt you,” she threatened, raising her cuffed hand. “We’re talking serious bodily harm. I suggest you get me out of these. Now.”
“I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. Haven’t you noticed? These are our cuffs, and you forgot to steal the key.”
She blinked at him in disbelief. “Our cuffs?”
He nodded. “They were still attached to my wrists when I got to the hospital in Minnesota. I had a devil of a time convincing the nurse I wanted them back. She thought I was joking. I finally told her they were evidence in a crime, and eventually somebody gave them back to me. I welded the links on the chain back together one day in the lab, and here they are. Our cuffs.”
“What is this? Some variation on ‘Our Song’?” Geri shook her head. “‘Our Handcuffs’?”
“So you’re not the sentimental type?” He shrugged. “I am. I enjoyed sparring with you, Geri. I enjoyed having you cuffed to my bed and riding on the bike with you. I enjoyed just about everything about our time together.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“Oh, I remember now. Fun while it lasted.”
“I said it was fun, Geri. You jumped in with the other part.”
“I thought I might as well save you the trouble. You told me it wouldn’t last. You told me nothing ever did with you.”
“I know, babe. I’m sorry.”
She shrugged with as much nonchalance as she could manage, as if to say no harm done. She’d survive. She always had before.
“You know,” Alex said, “believe it or not, every now and then even I’m wrong about a few things.”
Geri laughed, a short, cynical sound. “Imagine that.”
He was annoyed. She could tell. Not that she cared.
Then, as she watched, he seemed to take every bit of that anger and shove it aside, as if it were nothing at all. He smiled again, warmly, tenderly. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him smile quite that way before.
He leaned a bit closer. “I missed you,” he said.
She swallowed hard, a lump in her throat giving her all kinds of hell, and said nothing.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” he said. “I’ve been a little busy.”
“Really?” The General had always been “busy.”
“I went from the hospital to a holding cell to something labeled ‘protective custody’ that felt a whole lot like jail.”
“Really?” She closed her eyes, wanting to believe him. Wanting to believe he wouldn’t have left her if he’d had a choice all this time.
“Did you miss me a little bit?” he whispered.
Lie to him, she thought. Just lie. But she’d found herself in the odd position of being unable to lie anymore. It was as if everyone had some preset limit on the number of lies they could tell, and she’d simply run out. There were none left inside her. Which meant she couldn’t say much of anything to Alex except what she did. “I missed you. I tried very hard to forget you, but—”
He reached out, touching his hand ever so gently to the side of her face. “I’ve hurt your feelings,” he said, looking sadder than she’d ever seen him. “I’m sorry. I assumed that with your security clearance, you’d have been kept up-todate on what was happening. In fact, I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d come to break me out of that hellhole.”
“My boss betrayed you,” she said. “Division One hasn’t been anywhere near the case.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “They honestly didn’t let me see or talk to anyone—except to answer their questions—for the longest time.”
“I know. I had some of that myself.”
“Are you in trouble? Because of me?”
“No. Not anymore.”
“I don’t want you in any kind of trouble because of me.”
Geri grimaced. She had trouble, all right. Trouble sleeping. Eating. Concentrating. “Alex, you’re been nothing but trouble since the moment I laid eyes on you.”
He frowned, his eyes narrowing, his gaze locked on her face. “You’re not trying to tell me it was all bad, are you?”
Geri faltered, no lies coming to mind, no quick retorts, no wise-ass remarks. Damn. There was only desperation and a too-tight throat and all that aching need.
“What do you want me to say, Alex?” she managed.
He shook his head, his look so tender she nearly started to cry.
“You don’t have to say anything right away,” he replied, his free hand settling against her arm, then sliding up and down in a soothing motion. “I’ll go first. I missed you. I’ve been worried about you. Are you okay?”
She nodded, thinking it was mostly true. Then she asked, “Are you?”
He nodded, too.
“Your shoulder?” she said. “Your arm?”
“It’s fine. A computer keyboard’s more forgiving of a slightly unsteady hand than a weapon.”
“I’m glad.” She bit down hard on her lip, drowning. That was what it was like, drowning in an unfamiliar mix of churning emotions brought on by just the sight of him. And then she looked for some foothold, some rational thing they could discuss. “Is it over? All the trouble, I mean?”
“Yes. I’m getting a formal, public apology from the president, in fact”
“Good. And the explosives?”
“That’s the other thing that’s kept me away,” he said. “We’ve been building and testing a modification to the security systems in use now, and it’s working. They’re going into airports ASAP. Even if the formula did get out now, the security systems would catch them.”
“That’s what you were doing the whole time? Besides trying to figure out who Tanner was? You were trying to make your own explosives obsolete?”
“It seemed like the logical thing to do. If I could make an explosive virtually invisible to current security systems, I should damned well be able to modify the security systems to pick them up. After all, I knew exactly what I’d put in the explosives to change the chemical makeup in the first place.”
“Of course,” she said. He could do that. He would think to solve the problem that way, would feel a responsibility to do it. He was a hero, at least in her book—a brave, determined, dedicated man. And she’d been raised to respect heroes.
“So,” he said, taking a breath, “how are things at Division One?”
“We’re...coping. Tanner will be court-martialed for this, and Dan Reese is coming back to the agency. He’s taking Tanner’s place.”
“You must be pleased. About Dan,” Alex said.
“Everybody is. Even Dan. I never thought he would be. It’s a desk job, after all. But we need him now. Dan trained at least half of the agents who’ll be reporting to him. He’s someone we all trust implicitly. I think he sees it as his duty to pull the agency back together now, and Dan’s the kind of man who’s always appreciated things like duty and honor.”
Alex gave her a sad smile. “I still feel terrible about what happened to him.”
“Don’t. He’s fine. In fact, I’d say he’s better than ever. Still limping, and he probably always will, but he’s a different man now. The whole situation changed him—for the better, he says. He’s getting married soon, in fact. I’ve never seen him this happy.”
Alex nodded. “And what about you?”
“I’m, uh... I don’t know how I am,” she said honestly.
He touched her face, brushing his thumb across her cheek. “Are you mad at me, Geri?”
Suddenly it was hard to breathe, and very, very hard not to cry. “I don’t know, Alex. There’s this awful mix of feelings inside me where you’re concerned, and I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling right now.”
She sighed heavily. Her chest hurt.
“Wait. That’s a lie,” she said. “I seem to have lost my ability to lie. It’s the oddest thing. I keep waiting for my nose to grow an inch, every time I try. I feel like I’m so obvious about every little lie I attempt
, that everybody must see right through me. So I don’t even try it anymore. Or, if I do, I end up confessing right away. Odd, huh?”
He nodded. “Is it so bad? Being unable to lie?”
“I guess most people wouldn’t think so. But I’ve never been most people.”
“No. You never will be,” he said. “What did you just lie to me about, babe?”
“I’m all mixed up. I feel like I’m choking. Like all these awful feelings—”
“All of them awful?”
“No. There’re just too many of them. I cry all the time. I never used to cry, Alex. Even when I was a little girl. I just didn’t do it, but now I do. And ever since you’ve been gone, I think I’ve forgotten how to laugh.”
“No,” he said softly. “Not forgotten. You just needed me for that. I can make you laugh again.”
“Oh,” she said, as the feelings welled up inside her again. “I’m scared, Alex. I went nearly my whole life without being scared. Until now.”
“What are you scared of?”
“That I’ll never see you again.”
“You don’t have to be scared of that, Geri. I’m not going to let that happen.”
“Thank you,” she said, feeling utterly ridiculous.
“You’re welcome,” he replied, and she didn’t feel so bad anymore.
“You know, the worst part is that I feel like some silly little girl. I feel like I used to when my father had hurt my feelings again. When he showed me one more time exactly how unimportant I was to him. Every time I needed him, he just wasn’t there.”
“Well, obviously he’s not as smart as he likes to think he is.”
She laughed at that. Her father considered himself a brliliant man. But then, Alex thought the same thing of himself, and in his case, she’d seen the test scores to back it up.
Spies, Lies and Lovers Page 22
