Never Knowing

by Chevy Stevens

  I said, “Excuse me for a minute.” Dad’s face was a thundercloud. Trying not to break into a run, I walked around the corner until I was out of sight, then answered the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “I needed to hear your voice.”

  His words made me cringe, but I said, “Is everything all right?” How was I going to get him off the phone?

  “I’m glad I found you.” His voice was tight, like it was hard to get out the words. “Knowing … knowing I have you … helps.” I heard a noise in the background but couldn’t make it out.

  “What’s that sound? Where are you calling from?”

  “It’s not too late.”

  “What’s not too late?”

  “For us.”

  I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to focus on the sounds in the background. Animal or human?

  “Tell me it’s not too late.”

  “No, no, of course not.”

  He exhaled into the phone. It sounded labored, like he was breathing through clenched teeth.

  He said, “I have to go.”

  * * *

  After I closed the phone I tried to compose myself, but my throat was so tight I felt like I was strangling. My vision blurred. I pressed the heel of my hand against my temple and closed my eyes. How was I going to deal with this? I couldn’t let my family see how upset I was. I wanted to call Billy, but everyone would wonder if I was gone much longer. Don’t think about John, just shut it out and focus. Pull it together, Sara. As I walked back to the table I caught Evan’s eye and gave a slight nod.

  “That the client you were waiting for?” he said when I sat down.

  Thank you, baby.

  “Yeah.” I avoided my dad’s stare from across the table and picked my burger up. “Sorry about that, guys. This client is really high-maintenance.”

  Dad said, “It could’ve waited.”

  “He has limited time, so I have to—”

  Dad had already turned his attention back to Evan. On the other side of the table Kyle picked at his food. His nails were painted black.

  Melanie caught me staring. “Was it that good-looking cop?”

  Evan’s body tensed beside me.

  I shook my head. “No, a different client.”

  Melanie said, “What was his name again? Bill?”

  I nodded, then forced myself to take another bite of my burger. “These are great, Greg.”

  “He didn’t look like the antique-collecting type,” Melanie said. Now everyone was watching me.

  Mom looked confused. “You met one of Sara’s clients?”

  Melanie said, “Yeah, when I stopped by the other day they were having lunch.”

  Shut up, Melanie.

  Evan stopped eating and was looking at me.

  “He just came over to see my shop and I was making a sandwich, so I offered him one.” Not quite, but close enough.

  Melanie said, “So what are you doing for him?” I wanted to smash my burger into her smirking face.

  Think, think.

  “His mother just passed away and she had a basement full of antiques. I’m trying to sort through them for him and clean them up so he can sell them. There are quite a few pieces.” I warmed to my lie. “Could take me a while.” I glanced at Evan. He was staring down at his plate.

  Before I could say anything further my cell rang.

  Dad dropped his burger on his plate and looked disgusted.

  I checked the call display. It was John again. My pulse sped up.

  I groaned and got to my feet. “I’m so sorry.”

  Dad said, “Sit down.”

  “It’s my client again—”

  “Sit down.” Dad’s hands balled into fists by his plate.

  “Sorry, I have to take it.”

  As I left the table Dad shook his head and said something to Mom. I glanced back over my shoulder and tried to catch Evan’s eye, but he didn’t look up.

  Around the corner of the house I said, “What’s wrong?”

  “The noise.” He groaned into the phone. I heard something slamming.

  “Are you hurt?”

  “You have to talk to me—you have to help.”

  Traffic sounds.

  “Are you driving?”

  Screeching tires. A car honked. Were those the noises that were upsetting him?

  “Maybe you should pull over and—” Ally came around the corner of the house. Oh, crap. Why didn’t Evan stop her?

  I covered the speaker just as she said, “Grandpa said you have to come have cake now.”

  “Okay, sweetie. I’ll be there in a minute. Go ahead.”

  As she trotted off I said, “John? Are you still there?” Only sounds of traffic.

  I was about to hang up when he finally said in a desperate voice, “I need you to talk to me.”

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  “Tell me—tell me your favorite foods.”

  I wiped sweat from my forehead. I was missing my nephew’s birthday because he wanted to hear what I like to eat?

  “Can’t you just tell me what’s wrong? I’m at a family party and people are—”

  “I thought you said you didn’t tell anyone about me.” His voice was hard.

  “I didn’t! But it’s going to start looking odd that I’m talking on my phone and people are going to ask questions and I don’t—”

  He’d hung up.

  * * *

  For the rest of the party every nerve ending in my body vibrated with unanswered questions. What were the sounds in the background? Why was he talking about a noise? What was he going to do now? My whole system was in overdrive—my face burned, my armpits were soaked with sweat, my legs screamed to get out, to go home, talk to Billy, anyone who could make this horrible feeling go away. I tried to focus on the conversation around me, but I couldn’t follow the threads. Every kid’s voice grated, every shriek sent a bolt of anger through me. I glanced at my watch constantly, my phone tight in my hand.

  It didn’t help that Dad gave me hell right in front of Ally for answering the phone, calling me selfish and rude. I apologized, like I always do, but he kept giving me the evil eye after we returned to the party. Mom’s smile flickered in and out as she looked back and forth between us. Melanie and I simply avoided each other. At least Lauren didn’t seem to be angry, but she sure was distracted. Every time I looked at her she was watching Greg. One time I caught her giving him a dirty look when he went for another beer—not that it stopped him. But I was having my own relationship problems. Evan was laughing and joking with everyone, putting his arm around my shoulder when Brandon opened our present, but he wasn’t meeting my eye. Finally it was time to go. My good-byes were short, earning a concerned look from Mom, but I was focused on getting Ally and Moose to the Cherokee. I practically dragged Ally down the driveway, snapping when she complained. Evan was silent.

  We were backing out when my cell chirped, alerting me I had a text message.

  Billy: How was the party? Call when you get home.

  “Who’s that?” Evan said.

  “The police want to go over John’s calls.” I was already dialing Billy’s number, but it went straight to voice mail. “Crap, he must be out of range.”

  Evan stared at the road ahead.

  The rest of the drive was silent. When we finally got home, Ally threw herself in front of the TV to watch Hannah Montana. I tried to call Billy again and this time I left a message. After ten minutes, which I spent washing our dishes from breakfast, I went looking for Evan. He was in the backyard cleaning up Moose’s poop.

  I said, “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that.”

  “I’m thinking you should clean up after your dog.”

  My dog? That pissed me off.

  “I try to stay on top of things, Evan, but I have to take care of everything when you’re gone.”

  “It takes five minutes.”

  “You know how busy I’ve been lately.”

>   “Yeah, too busy to tell me you’re having lunch with other guys.”

  “It was nothing. Melanie was just trying to stir up trouble.”

  He jabbed the shovel at the ground, scooping in short, jerky movements. “Well, she did a good job. Greg kept giving me weird looks all afternoon.”

  “What was I supposed to say? You know I’m not allowed to talk about it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me he was here?”

  “By the time we talked, John had called again and I was freaking out. I didn’t even think to tell you Billy came over because I didn’t think it mattered. He’s probably going to have to come by a lot, and—”

  “Now it’s Billy?” Evan stopped the shovel and looked at me.

  “Oh my God, Evan, that’s just what Sandy calls him. He’s not even my type, okay? He dresses super slick and he’s got tattoos and—”

  “That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

  I wanted to grab the shovel out of his hands and thump him over the head with it.

  “You know what? I don’t need this. If Billy can find this guy, I’m going to talk to him every day because I want him out of my life—you should too. I would think you’d be happy someone is checking on me when you’re gone. If you don’t trust me, maybe we shouldn’t be getting married.” I spun around and stormed back into the house.

  As I passed the living room I peeked in on Ally. She was wrapped in a blanket on the couch with Moose in her lap, sleepily staring at the TV.

  “You should go to bed soon, Ally.”

  “Noooo…” Tired of fighting, I left it for now and headed upstairs to my office.

  To try and calm down, I wrote out everything I remembered from the calls—making a note to ask Billy if they have the technology to isolate the sounds in the background. I closed my eyes and tried to focus. What were those noises? My eyes flew open—what if he’d abducted a woman? Maybe he was taking her somewhere in the truck and the sounds were her trying to get out!

  Just as I picked up the cordless to call Billy again, I heard the sliding glass door open downstairs, then footsteps. Evan was in the kitchen.

  I hesitated for a moment. Maybe I should wait until the morning. But this was important.

  Billy answered on the first ring.

  I said, “I was thinking the sounds in the background could be a woman. Maybe he’s taking her somewhere and he’s going to—”

  “Whoa, whoa, hold on. That’s not his MO and we haven’t had any reports of missing women.”

  “Then what were the sounds?”

  “We’re still working on isolating them, but so far we don’t have anything usable.”

  “Maybe you need some more people on the task force.”

  “We have every available member of Serious Crimes in Vancouver and some in Nanaimo—”

  “Can’t you bring in members from Toronto?”

  “It doesn’t work like that, Sara. Most of the files are old and have already been investigated. We have access to lots of resources and this case is top-priority, but until John makes a move, or someone sees something, we can’t do much.”

  “It doesn’t seem like they’re doing anything.”

  “I’m sure it seems that way, but they’re following up leads, coordinating with the lab and other departments. Right now we’re trying to find out who owns the cell phone he used.”

  I knew I sounded cranky when I said, “Do you at least know where he was calling from?”

  But Billy just said, “He’s moved west of Prince George, probably somewhere near Burns Lake. It’s possible he’s heading toward Prince Rupert, so we’ve notified the local detachments and they’ll circulate the sketch to truck stops, gas stations, any places he might stop along the way.”

  I took the heat out of my voice. “What do you think was wrong with him? He was complaining about a noise?”

  “We’re hoping the next time you talk you can get him to elaborate.”

  “I don’t want there to be a next time. I’m sick of this.”

  “You have to do what feels right to you, Sara. But I won’t lie—we really need your help. You’re likely our only chance of ever finding him.” I closed my eyes against Billy’s words and dropped my forehead onto my desk.

  He said, “I know it feels like he has all the power, but he wants a connection with you. That’s why he keeps calling back. No one knows how far we can push this. But like Sun Tzu says, ‘The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.’ Eventually he’ll give us something to go on.”

  Evan was coming up the stairs.

  “I have to go.”

  “Okay, we’ll be in touch. Get some rest.”

  Just as I set the cordless down, Evan walked in behind me and dropped into his chair. I spun around.

  He said, “Was that Bill?”

  God, he could read me like a book. “I had to debrief. Jesus, Evan.”

  His face was blank. Part of me wanted to argue and defend, to storm out in righteous anger. My face felt hot and I was on the edge of losing it. Pull back. Flipping out won’t solve the problem.

  I took a breath. “I’m sorry I lost my temper. It’s just all this stuff is so big, I really need you on my side.”

  “I am on your side.”

  “It sure doesn’t feel like it. I hate that you’re mad at me.”

  Evan heaved a sigh, then grabbed my foot and pulled it into his lap. As he massaged it he said, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at this situation. It’s a nightmare.”

  “You don’t think I know that? God, he could be killing some woman right now—and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “If he kills someone it’s not your fault. He’s a killer, it’s what he does.”

  “But it would be my fault because I didn’t stop him.” I remembered Billy’s words. “I’m pretty much the cops’ only chance at catching him.”

  “The cops are using you as bait! You don’t have to talk to him, you know. I think you should just get yourself out of this.”

  “I can’t sit here and do nothing while he’s out there looking for his next victim.”

  “Sara, you’re always stressed out and your emotions are all over the place.” He held up a hand. “You have every reason to be upset. But I’m worried about you.”

  “Are you worried about me or about Billy?”

  He gave me a look. “I’m sorry I’m being a jealous prick, okay? If you say I have nothing to worry about, then I believe you. I just hate the idea of some other guy protecting you. You’re my girl.”

  I crawled into Evan’s lap and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. As I nuzzled his ear, I said, “Baby, he’s got nothing on you. And right now, he’s the one who has to deal with all my paranoid meltdowns. You get the good stuff.”

  “Hmm … keep talking.”

  I traced my mouth along his collarbone. Licked his earlobe. Whispered against the warm flesh of his neck, “Ally?”

  “Asleep on the couch with Moose. I was going to carry her up later. But I can get her now if—”

  I put my face close to his and grabbed the back of his hair. He raised his eyebrows. I rested my lips on his and kissed him slowly, softly, then harder—grinding my lips against his, snaking my tongue into his mouth. As he tried to suck on it, I pulled away and smiled at him. He grabbed a length of my hair and wrapped his fist around it, then brought my face close and kissed me hard. I got up and made a come-here motion with my finger, strolling out of the room with an exaggerated sexy walk.

  He laughed and followed me into our bedroom. I slid onto the bed, then tossed my hair over my shoulder and said in a bad Southern accent, “Lordy me, sailor, you’ve been out to sea for such a long time, I’m not sure if I remember what to do.…”

  Evan did his own sexy walk over to the bed, then pulled his shirt off over his head, one-handed—the way I love. He dangled the shirt from his finger, then dropped it to the floor as he wiggled his eyebrows.

  I smiled. “I think it�
��s coming back to me.”

  He laughed and climbed into bed beside me. We kissed for a while, our anger long gone. He scraped his unshaven cheeks against mine, laughing as I complained.

  He pinned my hands down for a moment. I flashed to John. Had he done that to Julia? How did he hold the women down when he was raping them? I pushed away the violent image. Now Evan was looming over me. I saw John looming over a woman.

  Evan looked down into my face. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I pulled him on top of me, hiding my face in his neck. And for the next while, I almost believed it.

  * * *

  After breakfast the next morning we took Ally and Moose for a walk out to Neck Point to watch the sea lions, then Ally went over to Meghan’s to play. I was working hard on keeping John out of my mind, but Evan was working harder. I’d mention something about the case and Evan would give me a kiss, I’d mention something else and he’d nuzzle my neck, I’d try to push him away and finish my thought and he’d nibble my ear. I’d try to wiggle away and somehow my bra was coming off.

  Afterward Evan and I lazed around in bed and made plans for what to serve at the wedding rehearsal dinner. Now that I’d allowed myself to relax for a moment, I started looking forward to the big event again. But it also reminded me I still needed to arrange a day to go shopping with the girls. The idea of putting up with Melanie for hours made me want to grind my teeth, but there was no way around it.

  Evan and I were discussing decorations and I was getting excited about the idea of fairy lights strung through fir trees when my cell rang in the office.

  I looked at Evan. He said, “Go ahead.”

  * * *

  A blanket wrapped around my naked body, I sprinted down the hall and grabbed the phone off my desk.

  It was the number John had called from last time.

  As soon as I answered he said, “Are you having a nice day?” There was a tone in his voice I hadn’t heard before—a coolness.

  “It’s going all right. How about you?” I tried to sound pleasant, but I was even angrier than usual that he’d called and ruined what had been a nice afternoon.

  “Is Evan there?”

  Still unsure of his tone, I said, “He’s here … but he’s not in the room, if you’re—”