Never Knowing

by Chevy Stevens

  Outside on the front step I said, “I can’t believe she’s dead. This is just so awful.” I blinked back tears.

  “I’m sorry, Sara. I know how much you wanted a happy ending for Danielle. Trust me—I did too.” His voice was tense and frustrated. He rested both hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “You have to shake this off and focus on how we’re going to stop him. It’s the only thing we can do for Danielle now.”

  Billy still had one hand gripping my shoulder when we heard a car come ripping down the driveway, radio blasting. Billy stepped away from me immediately.

  As soon as I saw the car I said, “It’s my sister.”

  Melanie smirked through the window as she parked in front.

  Billy walked toward his SUV. As he passed by Melanie she said, “Howdy, Officer. What’s your hurry?”

  He gave her a big smile and a wink. “Oh, you know, catching bad guys. Boring things like that.” He stopped at his truck door and over the hood of the SUV said, “I’ll let you know about the other pieces tomorrow, Sara.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  As he drove off with a honk of his horn, Melanie sauntered up the front steps and raised her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, turned, and walked into the house. This time I didn’t wait for her innuendos.

  “God, Melanie, I am not messing around with Billy. He’s a client and a friend. I’m in love with Evan and marrying him, remember?” I walked to the kitchen with Melanie hot on my heels.

  “I remember, but I’m not sure your friend Billy does. He’s into you.”

  I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee but didn’t offer her one, hoping she’d leave soon.

  “You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. You’ve seen him twice and both times he was flirting with you.”

  “But I’m not the one he likes.” She shrugged. “Look, I don’t know why he’d be into you either, but he is.” She sat at the kitchen table.

  “Nice. And he’s not ‘into me.’ What are you doing here anyway?” I leaned against the counter.

  “You said you’d talk to Evan about Kyle playing at the wedding?”

  I slapped my forehead. “Oh, crap. I didn’t get a chance this weekend and—”

  “Of course you didn’t. That’s why I brought you one of his CDs.” She took one out of her purse and set it on the table.

  “I’ll try to listen to it.”

  “Why do you have to try? Why can’t you just say, Sure, Melanie, I’d love to?”

  “Why are you always picking fights with me?”

  She said, “Because you’re always looking down on me.”

  I shook my head and opened my mouth to tell her she needed to get over herself. Then I remembered there was a dead girl. A girl who had a sister named Anita who pleaded on TV last night for her return.

  “I’ll listen to the CD.” I glanced at my shop door. “But I have a lot to do, so…”

  “Don’t worry, I’m leaving.” I didn’t try to stop her when she got up and headed to the door. I just followed behind and stood on the steps, waiting for the parting shot.

  At her car she turned and said, “You should go see Mom sometime. Or did you forget about her too?”

  “I’ve been really busy.”

  “You haven’t gone over in a long time.”

  Guilt spread through me and was quickly followed by anger. Melanie didn’t have a clue what was going on in my life—she never had.

  “Worry about your own relationships, okay?”

  She slammed her car door and backed up, spraying gravel all over the driveway.

  After she left I walked inside and slammed my door behind me. I checked my cell, but no calls. I didn’t even know what I’d say to John if he did call.

  * * *

  I was going to phone Lauren and bitch about Melanie, mostly because I couldn’t talk about what was really bothering me, then decided to wait until Greg was back in camp. I know, me waiting—what a shocking concept. But it’s not the same talking to her when he’s home. Lauren got together with Greg when she was so young, I wonder sometimes if she missed out. But she usually seems happy and doesn’t complain about him, so I guess it doesn’t matter what age they met. Then again, Lauren never says if something’s bothering her unless I hound her, and even then it’s like pulling teeth to get her to talk about it.

  I asked her why once, holding back being so completely foreign to my own nature, and she said she doesn’t like to dwell on the negative parts of life. I wish I could say the same. Maybe then I could forget that a woman is dead because of me. Maybe then I could forgive myself. At this point I’d settle for forgetting. But my guilt is like a canker sore in my mouth and I can’t stop my tongue from running over it and over it and over it again.

  SESSION THIRTEEN

  I’d like to say I’m doing better. Mostly because I love the way you smile when I tell you things worked out or that something you said helped. A lot of what you and I talk about does help. But lately stuff is coming at me so fast and furious I don’t have time to get over one thing before I’m thrown headfirst into the next.

  Every day I Google Danielle’s name to see if there’s another article. Her family started a memorial Web site and I can’t stop looking at her photos and reading the little facts that made up her life. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding this summer and they’d just had their dresses fitted. I cried, thinking of her dress hanging in a closet somewhere. You asked if I might be obsessing about the victims because I’m trying to come to terms with my own worst fears of losing my daughter, but I don’t think that’s it. I don’t know why I put myself into Danielle’s pain, why I conjure poignant images, each more painful than the last. Why I can’t stop wanting to know everything about her life.

  You taught me years ago that we can’t choose how we feel about something; we can just choose how we deal with those feelings. But sometimes even when you have a choice, the things you’re choosing between are so horrible it doesn’t feel like much of a choice at all.

  * * *

  Saturday morning I was at the grocery store with Ally when my cell finally rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but the area code was BC. I answered with a cautious, “Hello?”

  “You didn’t tell me you had a daughter.”

  I stopped in the middle of the aisle as fear gripped tight around my chest. A few paces in front of me, Ally was pushing a small buggy, with her red purse slung over her shoulder. She stopped and examined a bag of pasta, her lips pursed.

  I said, “No, I didn’t.”

  “Why?”

  I thought about Danielle. If I didn’t say the right thing I might be next. My face felt hot and my vision blurred. I forced myself to take a breath. I had to sound calm—had to keep him calm.

  “I was being cautious. You hurt people, and—”

  “She’s my granddaughter!”

  Ally wheeled her cart back toward me. I pressed the phone against my chest.

  “Sweetie, why don’t you go to the end and pick out some cereal?” She loves examining all the boxes for their various prizes. Picks one, puts it back, picks another. Normally I hated it.

  John said, “Is she with you right now?”

  Crap. He heard me. “We’re grocery shopping.”

  “What’s her name?”

  Every fiber of my body wanted to lie, but he might already know.

  “Ally.” She glanced up. I smiled and she went back to debating cereal options.

  “How old is she?”

  “Six.”

  “You should have told me about her.”

  I wanted to tell him he had no right to know anything about my life, but this was not the time to piss him off.

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. But I was just protecting my daughter. Any mother would’ve done the same thing.”

  He was silent. A woman walked down the aisle. I moved to the side, wondering what she’d think if she knew who I was talking to.

  He sai
d, “You don’t trust me.”

  “I’m scared of you. I don’t understand why you killed Danielle.”

  “I don’t either.” When we first started talking his voice was angry and tense, but now he seemed almost defeated. My heart rate slowed slightly.

  “You have to stop hurting people.” It came out as a plea.

  I held my breath, expecting him to flip out, but he just sounded defensive when he said, “Then you can’t lie to me again. And you have to keep talking to me when I need you to.”

  “I won’t lie, okay? And I’ll try to talk to you when you call, but sometimes people are around me. If I can’t answer, you could just leave a message and I’ll call you—”

  “That won’t work.”

  I wondered if he still suspected the cops were tracing his calls.

  “If you keep phoning a bunch of times in a row, my friends and family are going to start asking questions.”

  “So tell them.”

  “They won’t like me talking to you, and—”

  “You mean the cops don’t want them to know we’re talking.” He said it causally, but I wasn’t fooled for a minute. He was testing me.

  My pulse sped up again. He had his suspicions, but suspecting and knowing were two different things. I had to stick with my lie.

  “No, I mean my family wouldn’t understand. And they’d tell the police—”

  “You’ve already called the police.”

  “I didn’t—I told you before. I didn’t believe who you were at first, then I was scared you’d come after my family. Evan would be worried and—”

  “So leave Evan—you don’t need him.”

  My body tensed. He sounded angry again. Had I just put Evan in danger? At the end of the aisle Ally had picked out a box of cereal and was now doing wheelies with her cart. If I didn’t distract her soon, she was likely to crash into one of the displays. I motioned for her to follow me to the vegetable section, trying desperately to think of something to say to calm John down.

  “I’ll try to talk to you whenever you want. But I love Evan and we’re engaged. If you want to be part of my life you have to understand that.”

  I held my breath at my daring. How would he take this?

  “Fine, but if he gets in the—”

  “He won’t.” I let out my breath, sagging against the cart. Ally was trying to get my attention. I handed her a plastic bag and motioned for her to pick out some apples.

  John said, “I want to talk to Ally.”

  I stood up straight.

  “That’s not a good idea, John.”

  “She’s my granddaughter.”

  “But she might say something to someone, then it will raise questions like I told you, and—”

  His voice was frustrated. “If I can’t talk to her, then I want to meet you.”

  My blood roared in my ears. I never thought he’d want to meet, never believed he’d take that risk. I had to scare him off—and fast.

  “But what if the police are watching me?”

  “You said you didn’t tell them. I believe you—I’d know if you were lying.”

  For a moment I wondered if he was the one lying. I shook off the thought. He had no way of knowing I was working with the police.

  “But that stuff about you being my father was in the newspapers and on TV. What if they’re following me?”

  “Have you seen someone following you?”

  “No, but that doesn’t mean they—”

  “I’ll phone you tomorrow.”

  * * *

  Billy called my cell right away, but Ally was bumping her cart into the backs of my legs and I knew she’d reached her limit. She wasn’t the only one.

  “Give me a bit, Billy. I’ll call you as soon as I get home.” I rushed through the rest of my shopping, then made Ally a quick lunch back at the house and let her pop in a movie.

  I called Billy from my landline. “Did you get him?”

  “He was using a pay phone at a campsite near Bridge Lake, west of Clearwater.” Billy sighed. “By the time they got there, he was gone. He probably had his vehicle parked below and cut through the woods. The tracking dogs lost the scent.”

  “What are we going to do? I don’t want him to talk to Ally, and obviously I can’t meet him.”

  “We don’t want you to do anything that puts you at risk, but—”

  “There’s no way I’m meeting him.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  “So what should I do?”

  “He’s going to keep upping his demands, so we want you to be ready for that.” Billy’s voice was casual, but something felt off.

  Then I got it. The police wanted me to meet with him, but they couldn’t ask me to do it.

  Sandy got on the phone. “Sara, why don’t you come into the station this afternoon and we’ll discuss it?”

  “Fine.”

  * * *

  I dropped Ally off at Meghan’s again—grateful her mom loved having her—and headed to the police station. Sandy and Billy took me into the room with the couch again. This time Billy sat down beside me and I studied the side of his face. Was Melanie right? Did he like me? He turned and flashed a quick smile, but I didn’t see a hint of anything other than friendliness. I had bigger things to worry about right now. Sandy paced back and forth in front of the couch.

  I said, “You want me to do it, don’t you?”

  Sandy said, “We can’t ask you to put yourself in danger.”

  “What if I wanted to meet him?”

  She jumped on it. “You need to pick the spot before he does, but do it casually, you don’t want him suspicious. Location is paramount—we have to consider the public’s safety.”

  “What about my safety? Aren’t you supposed to be worried about that?”

  “Of course your safety is our primary concern. We’ll make sure—” She caught herself. “If you decided you wanted to do this, we’d be there the entire time.”

  “Oh, perfect, so he can spot you and then kill me?”

  “He’d never know we were there. We’d pick a location that doesn’t have a lot of people around, but nothing too remote, and we’d have undercover officers covering you every minute.”

  Billy said, “We’ll plant a wire device on you, but the plan is for us to arrest him before he has a chance to get close to you.”

  “Wait a minute. You have a plan already? When did I agree to do this?”

  They stared at me.

  Finally Billy said, “Nobody’s planning anything, we’re just talking. But if this is something you choose to do so we can arrest John, we’ll do everything in our power to protect you. Like Sandy said, your safety is our main concern.”

  I eyed Sandy. “I’m not so sure about that.”

  Sandy pulled a chair close in front of me and sat down. She grabbed a file off the table at her side, pulled out a picture, and thrust it in front of my face.

  “I want you to take a good look, Sara.”

  It was a photo of Danielle’s corpse. Her face was pale, her neck bruised. Her eyes bulged out and her blackened tongue stuck out of her mouth.

  I jerked back in my chair and closed my eyes.

  Billy grabbed the photo out of Sandy’s hand.

  “What the hell, Sandy?”

  “I’m getting a coffee.” She shoved the file at him and walked out of the room. The door banged shut behind her.

  “I can’t believe she did that.” I pressed my hand against my heart. “Her eyes and her tongue…”

  Billy sat on the couch near me. “I’m really sorry, Sara.”

  “Aren’t there rules about that sort of stuff? She’s a sergeant!”

  “I’ll talk to her. She’s just in a bad place today. Losing Danielle was really hard on her. She wants to catch John before he kills someone again—we all do.”

  “I understand, but I have a daughter. If something happened to me…” My voice broke.

  Billy leaned back in the couch and let out a big breat
h.

  “And that’s another reason we need to catch him soon—so you can stop living in fear. But if it makes you feel any better, you’re probably the one person who’s not in danger from John. You’ve done a great job at gaining his trust.”

  “Does he trust me, though? He still makes sure he doesn’t stay on the phone long. So why is he willing to risk meeting me?”

  “It’s possible he’s setting up a meeting so he can do countersurveillance and see whether you’re working with the police. He’s a hunter, so he either stalks his prey or flushes them out. But I think he really does trust you. He’s arrogant enough to believe you would never betray him.”

  Prey, that’s exactly what I was to John. But I felt more like a sitting duck. My stomach rolled.

  “But I am lying, and when he realizes—”

  “He’ll be in handcuffs. But maybe you shouldn’t meet him, Sara. Not if you’re this scared.”

  “Of course I’m scared, but that’s not it. I just … I need to think about it.”

  “You should think it over.”

  “And I’ve got to talk to Evan.”

  “Sure, if he has any concerns I’d be happy to talk with him.”

  That would go over great. But I said, “I’ll let you know.”

  * * *

  Billy walked me out of the station. There was no sign of Sandy, who I hoped was getting reamed out by a superior.

  At the Cherokee he said, “I won’t lie to you, Sara. Meeting with John is risky, but you already know that. But I also know you’ll make the right decision in the end.” Then he closed my door.

  I picked up Ally and made my way home, still trying to figure out what had just happened back at the station. Was I actually considering meeting John? Had I totally lost my mind? For the rest of the afternoon, Ally and I played at the park with Moose, but only part of me was there. My cell phone was mercifully quiet, but my head spun. Should I do it? Was I a horrible person if I didn’t? What if he killed another woman? But what if he killed me?

  My mind conjured images of Ally and Evan weeping at my funeral, of Lauren raising Ally and Evan taking her for ice cream when he came home on weekends. But then there were the images of me standing bravely in a park, spotting John and speaking cryptically into a wire device. A SWAT team swarms in and wrestles him to the ground. Families of the victims call with tearful thanks, saying they’ve finally found peace.