Never Knowing

by Chevy Stevens

  “Hi, you been trying to get hold of me?”

  “Oh, Evan. You’re going to kill me.”

  One of his heavy sighs. “What did you do now?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you in a message, so I kept calling, but your stupid receptionist said you were—”

  “Hey, freak show—calm down. What did you do?”

  “I set up a meeting.”

  “Jesus Christ, Sara! When?”

  “It was supposed to be today, but—”

  “Today? And you didn’t tell me?”

  “I was trying to tell you, but you didn’t answer.”

  “When is it?” He sounded scared. “I’ll drive down and—”

  “It already happened, but—”

  “What?”

  “He didn’t show up. You were right, he’s just manipulating me.” I filled him in on everything. “But that’s it. I’m done now, Evan.”

  “I’ve heard that before.”

  “No, this is really it. I’ll change our numbers again. Maybe we can move, or go stay at the lodge like you said. I can home-school Ally. Or maybe we should just sell the house. I don’t know, but I’m going to tell the police they can’t tap our phones anymore. I won’t watch the TV or read the papers—”

  “Slow down. I’ve got a big group here tonight, but I’ll drive down first thing and we can talk about this.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “We’ll figure it all out, okay? Just don’t make any decisions until I get home and don’t change anything—please.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “I mean it. I don’t want to come home and find a for sale sign on the front lawn.”

  “Okay. Now I have to go meet Sandy and Billy back at the station.” I groaned.

  “Don’t let them manipulate you either.”

  “Everyone’s manipulating me right now.”

  “Come on, Sara—that’s not fair.”

  “I’m sorry. This just sucks. I wish I didn’t have to meet them—I just want to go home.”

  “Tell them to fuck off.”

  “I have to talk to them, but they’re not going to like what I have to say.”

  * * *

  Evan was right about the cops, and so was I. As soon as we closed the door of the interview room Sandy said, “Next time I think we should—”

  “There’s not going to be a next time.”

  She steamrolled right over me. “We need to entice him with a stronger reason to come to the island. I think you should tell him you’ll let him meet Ally after all—”

  “I’m not using my daughter as bait, Sandy.”

  “She’s not actually going to be there, he just has to think she is.”

  “No, it’s over. I want out. I’m changing my phone number today and I no longer authorize my landline to be tapped. And I want the tap off my cell.”

  “We understand if you need a break,” Billy said. “This has—”

  “I don’t need a break, I need it to end. I’ve risked my life, my child, and my relationship for nothing. Evan was right—John’s manipulating me, and you guys are just going to have to catch him on your own.”

  Sandy said, “And if he hurts another woman?”

  “Then you should have caught him.” I glared at her.

  She said, “If we remove all the listening devices, we won’t be able to protect you properly. What are you going to do if he comes after you or your family?”

  “You told me before that you didn’t think I was in any danger from him.”

  “I told you we can’t predict what he’ll do.”

  “It’s interesting that when you wanted me to meet with him, you didn’t think I was in danger, but now that I don’t want to meet him, I am.”

  Billy said, “We’re just saying we don’t know how he’ll handle being rejected by you. Last time it was an e-mail—”

  “I’ll block his e-mails.”

  They stared at me. I took a breath.

  “Look, I thought if I agreed to a meeting it would end, but that’s not happening. My life is totally screwed up—I’m barely working, I’m fighting with Evan constantly, I’m not spending enough time with my daughter. The more I help you, the more screwed up it gets. I’m just going to go home and continue with my life like he doesn’t exist. That’s what I should’ve done a long time ago.”

  Billy said, “It sounds like your mind’s made up, and you have to do what’s right for you. But I think you should—”

  I stood up. “Thanks for understanding.”

  Sandy, who looked anything but understanding, shook her head and said, “I hope you can live with yourself when he finds his next victim.”

  “I hope you can live with yourself. You’ve known about him for years and never stopped him. I’ve given you more leads than you ever got on your own.” Her face flushed as she rose to her feet with her fists clenched at her side.

  I took a step back as she said, “You—”

  Billy said, “Sandy?”

  She spun on her heels and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

  * * *

  Billy followed me out to the Cherokee. The adrenaline of the day was still pumping through my veins as I ranted and raved about Sandy.

  “All right, killer,” he said when I wound down. “You going to be okay tonight? If you want, I can bring some Chinese over later and keep an eye on you and Ally?”

  “That’s a really nice offer, Billy, but I think you’re right—I need a break from all of this.” I also knew how Evan reacted the last time Billy brought me food.

  “Sure, but if you need me, you know the number.”

  “Nine-one-one?”

  He laughed, but hurt flashed in his eyes and I felt bad.

  “Stay safe, kid.” He walked back to the station. Where Sandy was probably throwing darts at my photo.

  * * *

  So that’s the end of it. And I think I’ll end today’s appointment there as well. I’ve had enough talking for one day. I know, not something you usually hear me complain about. Remember the days when my biggest concern was my temper? Never thought I’d think of those as the good old days, but then I never thought I’d have a killer for a father—especially one who changes his mind as much as me.

  You said I need to start asking myself what I want to do, not what’s right or wrong, or what anybody else thinks. And figuring out what I want means taking an objective look at what I feel and what the consequences of my decisions are. Like I want John out of my life and I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone. I want John caught and I’m terrified he’ll come after my family. Then you said I have to make a decision and stick with it. So that’s what I’m doing. Because I want my sanity back and I’m afraid it’s too late.

  SESSION NINETEEN

  I don’t know who to listen to anymore. I’m so messed up right now I’d probably walk into traffic if you thought it was a good idea—sure would make things simple in a hurry. God, this nightmare just won’t end. Be careful what you wish for. All I wanted was a father who cared about me. Oh, he cares, all right. He cares so much it just might kill me, if he doesn’t kill everyone I love first.

  * * *

  Last night John called again. Lord knows what he wanted this time, and I’ll never know because I turned my cell off. He tried the cordless a couple times too, but I ignored it. Billy didn’t call to tell me John’s location, probably hoping the curiosity would get to me, but I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t wait to change our numbers—the only thing that stopped me was Evan saying hold off. But it pissed me off no end when I realized I’d left the station without the cops confirming they’d remove the tap from my cell, and they probably still had the landline tapped. When Evan called later he still had a lot to do before he left in the morning, so we just said our good nights and agreed to leave the big decisions until he was home. I could ignore John for another day.

  This morning, which feels like a million years ago, I dropped Ally off at school—it’s her last day
before summer vacation—then rushed around like mad cleaning the house. I was surprised Evan didn’t call when he left the lodge but figured he just got busy. It’s not easy for him to leave at the last minute. His phone kept going to voice mail, so I was sure he was already on the road—the cell coverage sucks up there. Around ten I stopped vacuuming to throw another load of laundry in and heard tires on gravel, then Moose streaked to the door barking. Evan was home!

  I raced to the front door—and saw Billy and Sandy get out of the Tahoe. My guts clenched at the sight of their grave faces and dark sunglasses.

  Billy said, “Can we come in?”

  “Evan’s due home any second, but sure.”

  This time I brought them into the living room. Bad news deserves formality. After they were settled on the opposite couch I took the plunge.

  “Another girl’s missing, right?”

  “Sara…” Billy removed his sunglasses. “Evan was shot at the lodge this morning and—”

  “What!” I stared at them for a moment as my heart hammered in my chest. Then I jumped up. “Is he okay?” My eyes flicked back and forth between them, desperately trying to read their faces.

  “He’s going to be all right,” Billy said. “He’s been flown to the hospital in Port Alberni.”

  “What happened?”

  “He went down to the dock early this morning. That’s when he got shot. He managed to drag himself into one of the boats and used the first-aid kit to stop the bleeding until one of the guides found him.”

  “Okay. I just. I have to—” I whirled around and grabbed my purse off the hall bench, searched for my keys, my cell phone. How was I going to get Ally from school? Could Lauren pick her up? Should I get her on the way?

  Sandy said, “We’ll take you to the hospital.”

  Moose. I had to ask a neighbor to let him out. What else? A client was coming by to pick up a headboard. I flipped open my cell, but Sandy grabbed my wrist.

  “Hold on.”

  I yanked free. “I have to call someone about Ally.”

  “We understand, but we need to go over a few things with you first.”

  “It had to be John.”

  Billy said, “That’s why we—”

  “I have to tell my family.” How was I going to explain this to them?

  Sandy said, “We have some ideas around what you should say.”

  I turned to Billy. “He didn’t … kill him. It was just a warning, right?”

  “We don’t think so. One of the cooks went out for a cigarette around the time Evan was shot and heard something in the bushes. We think he spooked John before he could finish the job.”

  John wanted to kill Evan. Because of me. My eyes filled with tears.

  “I have to get Ally from school right now.”

  Sandy said, “A couple of members are at the hospital with Evan and we have a patrol car watching the school. You can go up with Billy to see Evan and we’ll send an officer to pick Ally up. Just call the school and explain they’re a family friend. We don’t want to scare everyone into thinking there’s a killer on the loose.”

  Except there was a killer on the loose. One who was really pissed off at me and really good at making his point.

  “Ally knows she’s not supposed to leave with a stranger. I could call one of my sisters, but then I’ll have to tell them what’s going on, and—”

  “Let’s not do that right now,” Sandy said. “Ally knows me. I’ll pick her up and watch her while you visit Evan.”

  I shook my head. “I told John I couldn’t meet him because Evan was coming home. He must’ve decided he should just—” My voice caught.

  Billy’s face was pained. “You didn’t know he’d do this, Sara.”

  I looked at Sandy. “But you did. You warned me.” Had I let my personal feelings for her get in the way of the truth?

  Sandy said, “You can’t dwell on what’s done, Sara. You just have to be strong for Evan. We’ll take care of the rest.” For once she had said something I liked.

  * * *

  On the way up to the hospital with Billy, I called my parents from my cell. As soon as I heard Mom’s gentle voice the dam broke and I started crying. I managed to pull it together long enough to tell her the cover story—the police believed Evan had been shot by a disgruntled employee. I didn’t know how long that one would fly, since Evan had never pissed off anyone in his life. The thought made me cry harder.

  Before I could stop her, Mom put Dad on the phone.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Dad, Evan’s in the hospital. He was shot at the lodge. He’s okay, but they flew him to Port Alberni and—” I burst into fresh tears.

  Dad said, “Your mother and I will meet you there.”

  It was probably the last thing the police wanted. But it was what I wanted the most.

  “Thanks, Dad. Can you call his parents for me?” They live down in the States and although Evan and his family are close, he doesn’t get to see them often. Mom and Dad fill a lot of the role for him.

  “We’ll let them know,” Dad said. “Where’s Ally?”

  “A friend’s watching her.” First and last time I’d call Sandy that.

  “How are you getting up there?”

  “Billy, the police officer who’s my client, volunteered to drive me.”

  Dad paused for a moment, then said, “We’ll leave right now.”

  He hung up before I could say anything else. Billy told me he’d deal with it—he has no idea what dealing with my dad is like. But at that moment I didn’t care. The only person who mattered was Evan. I wished I’d told him that yesterday.

  * * *

  The drive to Port Alberni is never an easy one—over an hour of a narrow highway winding through steep mountains where you’re competing for space with logging trucks. But today it was unbearable. Thank God Billy was behind the wheel—if I was driving the speed my heart was going, I’d have had an accident. I have no recollection of anything we talked about, just vague snippets of reassurance from Billy: We’re going to catch him. Evan’s going to be fine.

  At the hospital the doctor told me Evan had been shot clean through the fleshy part of his left shoulder. They were waiting for him to stabilize before they sent him to Nanaimo in an ambulance for surgery. He had muscle damage and a huge wound, but no permanent damage. I was just happy he was alive—especially when the doctor told me eight inches to the left and it would’ve gone straight through his heart. Hearing that just about made my own heart stop.

  They’d given him some drugs for the pain and he was out cold, but they let me in to see him. His shoulder was wrapped in a huge white bandage and he had an IV stabbed into his arm. Tears ran down my face as I kissed his cheek and smoothed his hair. I hated how pale he was, hated all the tubes running out of him. But I hated myself even more for putting him in danger.

  As I fussed over Evan, nurses monitored his signs and wrote things on his chart. One asked if I needed anything. Yeah, a serial killer put behind bars. Can you do that? Then an older nurse asked me to step out for a moment while they changed his bandage. I was about to argue when I heard Dad’s loud voice asking for Evan’s room.

  When I went to meet my parents I noticed Billy talking to two policemen in a small waiting area. He straightened up when he saw my father and started toward him, but Dad walked right past him and came up to me.

  “How’s Evan doing?”

  “He’s asleep right now. He’s going to be okay, but he has to have surgery. They’ll wait until he’s stable, then take him to Nanaimo and—” I stopped as I saw my sister hurrying down the hallway.

  Mom said, “Lauren came up with us. She was just calling Greg.”

  Lauren and I fell into each other’s arms. “I can’t believe Evan was shot. You must be terrified.” Her body vibrated against me, sending a fresh wave of fear through my own. Yes, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

  We pulled apart and I said, “Thanks for coming up.” My voice was thi
ck.

  “Of course. Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I was going to, but everything just…”

  Billy walked over. “Hi, everyone. I’m Bill.” He turned to Dad and stretched out his hand. “We met at Sara’s.”

  Dad gave his hand a hard shake. “This your case?”

  “I’ll certainly check on things for Sara, but no, the local officers are handling the investigation.”

  Dad looked up and down the hallway. “There’s a lot of police around.” He stared hard at me. “What’s going on, Sara?”

  My face felt hot. “Ah … what do you mean? Evan’s been shot, and…”

  Then I saw it click in Dad’s head.

  “This has something to do with the Campsite Killer, doesn’t it?”

  Mom gasped. Lauren’s hand flew to her mouth.

  Dad turned to me. “Tell me what’s going on right now, Sara.”

  I looked at Billy helplessly. He saved me again.

  “Let’s find somewhere private to talk.”

  Billy led us into an empty room and filled them in while Mom grew paler and paler. Lauren shivered during the entire conversation. After Billy finished, Dad looked at me and shook his head.

  “This whole time you’ve been lying to us.”

  “Dad, I—”

  Billy said, “Sara didn’t want to keep it from you. She was under strict orders not to talk about this with anyone. It could have damaged the case and put her family—all of you—in danger. She’s been a great help to us.”

  Dad said, “You didn’t explain how Evan wound up shot.”

  “John, the Campsite Killer, he wanted to meet with me again, Dad. And I said I couldn’t, because Evan was coming home.”

  “Where’s this scumbag now?” Dad’s face turned dark. “Where’s Ally?”

  “She’s with another officer,” Billy said. “She’s well protected.”

  “What are you doing to catch this man?”

  “Everything in our power, sir. Your daughter was a big part of our investigation, but we’ll continue in a different direction now.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I won’t help anymore,” I said. “Evan didn’t want me to meet with him in the first place, but I was worried he’d kill another woman, but now that Evan’s been shot, I’m not—”