Never Knowing

by Chevy Stevens

  “Good point.” I took a deep breath and let it out in a long exhale as I turned everything over in my mind. “Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. If we can’t prove he didn’t shoot Evan, let’s see if there’s any evidence other than the shell casing that proves he did. Tofino’s almost three hours from here. John would’ve had to fill up with gas somewhere along the way. Did you find any receipts in his belongings?”

  “I don’t believe so, but that—”

  “Guess he could’ve just paid with cash. Oh! We should hit all the gas stations on the way with a photo of him. It wouldn’t be hard—there’s only one main route. Don’t most stations have cameras now? People usually fill up in Port Alberni because it’s the last stop. We should start there. After I drop Ally off at school in the morning we can—”

  Billy held up a hand. “Whoa. I don’t have time to canvass gas stations.”

  “Okay. But I’m not going to be able to relax until I figure some of this out. I’ll go to every gas station myself if I have to.” I smiled. “I’m relentless.”

  “That you are.” He smiled back. “Let me think about it. Got some coffee?”

  “Sure.”

  I poured a cup, then turned around.

  Billy’s gun was pointed at me.

  I laughed. “What are you…” Then I saw the expression in his eyes.

  He said, “Put the cup down on the counter.”

  I didn’t move a muscle. “What’s going on, Billy?”

  “You never leave anything alone.”

  “I don’t understand—”

  “It was over, Sara. No one would ever have found out.” He shook his head.

  I stepped back until the edge of the counter pressed into my spine. What the hell was going on?

  “Billy, you’re scaring me.” I scanned his face for any sign that this was a horrible joke, but he looked serious. “What did I—”

  “Put the cup down.”

  As I turned to set it on the counter my mind scrambled. Is this for real? Do I need a weapon? Should I try to throw the cup at him? Can I grab a knife? I glanced at the end of the counter.

  “Don’t even think about it. I’m three times your size and three times as fast.” He stood up and walked toward me.

  “Why are you doing this? Did Sandy—”

  “Sandy didn’t do anything.” He stopped in front of me

  I searched his face. “Then why are you—”

  “Because you’re right—I did fill up in Port Alberni. But I’m not going to wait to find out if there was a camera.”

  “It was you? You shot Evan?”

  “‘The warrior skilled at stirring the enemy provides a visible form and the enemy is sure to come.’” Billy stared at me, his eyes slits. “Evan was in the way and you needed some incentive. I also knew it would flush John out—he’d want to protect you.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “You tried to kill Evan so John would think someone was after me?”

  “‘I attack that which he is obliged to rescue.’”

  Everything started to fall into place.

  “He knew something was wrong,” I said. “That’s why he was so panicky when he called me at the hospital and was making all those threats—that’s why he didn’t call my cell. He was rescuing Ally.” I sucked in my breath. “Did you attack Nadine, too?”

  “I didn’t touch her. And if I tried to kill Evan, he’d be dead. I just needed to injure him for my plan to work. And I was right. You reacted, John reacted, and now he’ll never hurt another woman.” He stepped closer. “But now we have a problem.”

  My legs turned to liquid. “I won’t say anything, Billy. I swear.”

  “Unfortunately, I can’t take that risk.”

  The words poured out. “There’s no risk. I’m not going to tell anyone. You made a mistake—but you were just trying to catch John. Even if someone did find out, you wouldn’t be in that much trouble—”

  “I didn’t make a mistake.” He looked as calm as ever. “I shot someone, Sara—that’s attempted murder. I’d go to jail for a very long time. But that’s not going to happen.”

  The way he said it terrified me. He wasn’t scared or panicked, much less desperate. He sounded confident.

  My body started to shake. “What—what are you going to do, Billy? You can’t shoot me. Ally’s upstairs and—”

  He held his fingers up to his lips. “I have to think.”

  I shut up. He stared at me. His eyes were dark. The kitchen clock ticked.

  I started to cry. “Billy, please, you’re my friend. How can—”

  “I like you, Sara, but ‘the wise leader always blends consideration of gain and harm.’ There’s no gain in letting you live. But there’s great harm.”

  “No, I swear. There isn’t any—”

  He held up a hand. “I’ve got it. I’m not going to do anything.” My heart lifted for a moment, but then his eyes met mine and he said, “You are.”

  My vision blurred as my blood roared in my ears. For a moment the room spun and I gripped the counter behind me. My head pulsed, but I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t think.

  He said, “We’re going upstairs to get those pills your shrink prescribed, then you’re going to take all of them and write a suicide note.”

  “Billy, this is crazy! How can you do this? What about Ally?”

  “She’ll be fine if you do everything I tell you.”

  “You can’t make me write—”

  “Do you love your daughter, Sara?” His eyes were resolute. I didn’t know if he’d actually hurt Ally, but I didn’t want to find out.

  “I’ll do it, I just—”

  He motioned with the gun. “Let’s go.”

  “Can we just talk about this for a—”

  He gripped my arm hard and pulled me away from the counter. Then, with the gun pressed against my lower back, he urged me upstairs. With each step my mind tried to formulate a plan, but all I could think was, Please, Ally, don’t wake up. At the top of the stairs we turned and walked down the hall past her room, my heart hammering so hard it hurt. As we entered my bedroom tears started to slide down my face.

  “Where are your pills, Sara?”

  “In the—in the bathroom.” This was really happening, I was going to die.

  “Open the medicine cabinet and take out the pills, but nothing else.” I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were huge, my face pale. I opened the cabinet and took out the bottle.

  “Fill up that glass with water.” Billy motioned to the glass I’d left on the counter earlier. “Hurry up.”

  I turned on the tap.

  “Billy, please, you don’t have to do this.”

  His voice deepened. “Take them.”

  I emptied the bottle into my shaking hand and stared at the small white tablets. The glass was cold in my other hand.

  Billy said, “If you don’t swallow them, I’ll have to shoot you. Ally will hear, then she’ll come to—”

  I pushed the pills into my mouth, choking on the chalky, bitter taste. I held the cold glass to my lips and took a swallow of water, then another as pills lodged in my throat, the bitter taste traveling up the back of my nose.

  “Those ones too.” He pointed the gun at a small bottle of Percocet I keep for migraines.

  When I was done he nodded and said, “Now we have to mess up your bed.”

  “But I don’t—”

  “You were trying to go to sleep, but you were so depressed you decided to end everything once and for all.”

  With the gun still pointed at my back, I tugged the blanket free.

  “Now strip.”

  “Billy, you don’t want to do this.”

  He raised the gun and pointed it at me. “Right, I don’t. But no way in hell I’m going to jail.”

  The books said to fight. But they didn’t say what to do if the threat was a cop. And they didn’t say what to do if your daughter was in the other room. I pictured A
lly skipping in to wake me in the morning, climbing into bed next to my cold body.

  I pulled my sweater over my head. He motioned with the gun to my pants. I unzipped them and tugged them off, leaving them on the floor.

  I stood before him in my panties and bra. He was looking around the room, at the bed, at the door. Like he was making sure the scene was right.

  He stepped closer until his huge body was directly in front of me.

  “Take off your bra.” After my bra fell to the ground, I crossed my arms over my breasts. My whole upper body was shaking.

  “Drop your arms.”

  “Billy, please, I don’t—”

  “If you don’t, I’ll have to do it myself.”

  I dropped my arms.

  “Now take off your panties.”

  Tears streaked my face as I peeled them off. I choked back a sob.

  “Are you going to rape me?” I thought of Ally in the next room. I couldn’t scream, no matter what he did to me I couldn’t scream. “It doesn’t have to be this way. I’ll sleep with you and—”

  “I’m not going to rape you.” He looked insulted. “I’m not like your father. I don’t have to force myself on women.”

  My temper reared but I held it in. Shut up for Ally. Do it for Ally.

  He motioned to the dresser. “Put on your pajamas.”

  I took out one of Evan’s T-shirts—one he knows I hate—and a pair of his boxers, which I never wear, hoping he would notice these details after I was dead. I put them on.

  “Now we’re going to get some paper for your suicide note.”

  After I found a pen and a pad of paper in my office, we headed downstairs. Once we were in the kitchen, he gestured to a half-empty bottle of Shiraz on the counter.

  “Take that and sit at the table.”

  I sat and stared at him.

  “Drink some straight from the bottle.”

  I took a swill.

  He said, “Again.”

  I did it, gagging on the last mouthful. Some spilled on my T-shirt. I thought about the lethal concoction already spreading through my veins, wondered how long it would take to stop my heart. Billy looked around the kitchen and back to me, assessing the scene again.

  “Good. Now start writing. When the pills kick in you’re going to go lie on the couch.”

  “Ally, she’ll find me in the morning and—”

  “I’ll stop by first thing and find your body before she wakes up. And I’ll make sure she’s out of the house when the police show up.”

  “Promise you won’t let her see me.”

  “Sure.”

  When I picked up the pen my hand was shaking violently. I had to think of something that would stall him so I could come up with a plan. But even if I could get to the alarm—then what?

  “Write the letter, Sara.”

  It wasn’t hard to write a sad good-bye letter. I told them how much I loved them, how sorry I was, how much I was going to miss them, but this was the only thing I could do. I cried the whole time I was writing. I wanted to stab Billy in the eye with the pen, but you couldn’t stab a man with anything when he was pointing a gun at you. Ally would be okay. Evan would take care of her. She’d grow up hating me, thinking I’d abandoned her. But at least she’d get to grow up.

  When I was done Billy said, “Now we wait.”

  Fear tight in my throat, I said, “You’re never going to get away with this.”

  “No one will ever suspect me—and you know it.”

  The phone rang and we both jumped. I looked upstairs, praying Ally didn’t wake.

  “Let’s hope she’s a deep sleeper,” Billy said as it rang for the second time. She is once she gets going, but she hadn’t been asleep for long. I held my breath as I waited for her to call out for me. Thankfully she was silent and the phone didn’t ring again—it must have gone to voice mail. I remember Melanie’s number was on the call display when I first got home. Thinking she’d called to tell me off, I’d ignored it, but now I wished I could call her and tell her I was sorry a million times over. My chest heaved with the effort to hold in panicky sobs.

  It had been at least fifteen minutes since I’d taken the pills. I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face now. I was going to die and I didn’t get to kiss my daughter. I’d barely hugged Evan good-bye. We never got a chance to be married. Stop it, Sara. Calm down so you can think of a way out of this. If I kept talking, I might be able to stay alert enough to at least buy myself some time to come up with a plan.

  “They might not suspect you right away, but they’re not going to believe I killed myself. My family, Evan, my therapist, everyone knows I wouldn’t do this to Ally—and I’m getting married. I was just talking to one of my sisters about my bachelorette party. Why would I—”

  “There’s a suicide note in your handwriting. They’ll believe it.” But something flickered in his eyes.

  “My phone records show we talked tonight—you were the last person to see me alive. Your fingerprints are all over the dishes.”

  “I came over to talk to you because you were upset.” He shrugged. “I didn’t realize you were suicidal.”

  “But you’re a trained professional, you should’ve known. There’ll be an investigation, Billy.”

  “I’ll deal with it. This will work.”

  He was too calm. Nothing was shaking him. Panic came crashing back in on me, paralyzing my every thought except that time was running out. I was going to die.

  I stared at Billy. Everything started to feel distant and slow, like I was moving underwater. I heard a roaring in my ears and wondered if I was going to pass out. Then Billy shifted his stance and my eyes landed on his tattoos.

  Weakness stems from preparing against attack. Strength stems from obliging the enemy to prepare against an attack.

  That was it. I’d found my strategy. I had to go on the attack. The fear left my body as my mind cleared.

  “Like how your plan to catch John worked?”

  His eyes narrowed. “It did work.”

  “You never caught him—I killed him. I had to do your job for you.”

  His hand tightened on the gun. I flashed to the conversation we’d had about how he used to have a temper. He’d trained himself to channel it and to hold it in, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still there. What had he said about kickboxing? The opponent who loses his cool loses his coordination. Maybe if I provoked him, he’d let down his guard and I could make a break for the phone or the alarm.

  “The Art of War didn’t help. It’s all just a bunch of crap.”

  “This case proves it works.”

  He said the words with conviction, but there was a slight flush to his neck. I’d touched a nerve.

  “Nobody will take that stupid book you’re writing seriously—definitely not the RCMP. Even Sandy doesn’t listen to you.”

  The flush crawling up his neck darkened. “She will. When she reads it and sees how it helped the case.”

  “But you’re leaving out the part where you shot Evan, aren’t you? That’s why you’re killing me. Because if the truth comes out, then everyone knows you’re a liar—all your strategies and plans are bullshit. You broke the law.”

  “It works. I just needed one big case to prove it. And I did.”

  “No, Billy, you screwed up. You told me I had to be patient but you took matters into your own hands. Then an officer—your partner—got hurt. You rushed things and it escalated John.”

  “John had to be stopped. Because of my actions he’ll never kill another woman.”

  “But if you kill me you’re a murderer too, and—”

  “I told you, I’m not going to jail—not for saving lives.”

  “You didn’t care about stopping a killer or saving lives. Everything you’ve done all along has been for yourself.” His eyes were still dark, but he’d managed to calm himself down. I was starting to feel drowsy and light-headed. I had to take another shot. “You don’t care about any of the people he
murdered.”

  “You don’t know the first thing about me.”

  “I know the RCMP are going to laugh when they find out what you did. This isn’t the first time you screwed up. Remember the old lady who got shot because you broke into that rapist’s house?”

  He stood up. “You stupid bitch. You don’t—”

  “You couldn’t control the case and you couldn’t control me. You broke the law to make the case fit the strategies, not the other way around.”

  “If I was you, I’d shut up now.” A vein started to pulse in Billy’s forehead and he took a step toward me.

  We both heard the crunch of tires on the gravel outside at the same time.

  “Don’t move,” Billy said. “Shit, it’s your sister. You say one word and I’ll blow her head off.” Oh, God, Lauren.

  I wanted to scream and warn her, but Ally was in the house and it was too late. Billy was already opening the door.

  “Hi, Melanie. Your sister’s in the kitchen.” Melanie? Why was she here?

  She walked in, spotted me sitting at the table.

  “Hey, I forgot my cell. I tried to call—” She saw my face, turned to look at Billy. He had the gun pointed at her head. As she gasped and took a step backward, the sob I was holding in my throat broke free.

  Billy walked forward with the gun still aimed at her.

  “Sit down at the table with your sister.” She turned and looked at me, then glanced at the sliding glass door. “Don’t even think about it. Sara’s already realized what will happen to Ally if anyone does something stupid.”

  Melanie’s eyes met mine. I nodded.

  Billy said, “Sit down, Melanie.”

  She pulled the chair out beside me.

  “Put your hands on the table where I can see them.”

  She did, slowly.

  “Sara was just in the middle of killing herself. She’s already taken the pills.” Melanie’s gaze flew to my face. My eyes told her it was true.

  She turned to Billy. “You can’t make both of us kill—”

  “Shut up. I just have to adjust my plan.” He started to pace.

  Melanie tried to stand up. Billy smacked her in the face with the back of his hand. She fell back into her chair with a yelp.

  “Do you want to wake up Ally?” he said.

  I said, “She’s right, Billy. How are you going to explain two deaths?”