Not Another Soldier

by Holt, Samantha

  When I release her, she has a glazed look in her eyes and my mouth tilts. “Go get washed and I’ll make some breakfast.”

  She coughs, nods and scurries away. I shake my head and chuckle. How she can deny what’s happening between us is beyond me. It’s always been a strong bond but since sleeping together… I love her so damned much. I’ve probably loved her from the moment I saw her. If Rob hadn’t gotten to her first, I would have made her mine. I’ll always regret I let Rob and his dominating personality take over. But he’s not here now and I am.

  Yeah, I’ll love her forever. Now I just need to figure out how to get her to feel the same.

  ***

  Sienna

  As we approach the base, my stomach twists. I haven’t stepped foot here since I moved out. It feels weird, looks weird. I’m like a stranger to this place. I guess it never seemed like home to me. The houses are all the same, kind of like the military. Uniform, neat, dull. Nothing stands out and it’s quiet—too quiet. I used to hate how people kept to themselves but once I lost my confidence, I appreciated it. I wonder how I would deal with it now. I don’t feel the same anymore. Would I have the ability to put myself out there again?

  I glance at Nick as he drives us up the long road toward the bulk of the houses. Why am I even worrying about this? He wants more than I can give but who says there’s even a future for us? I still wonder if this will just burn out eventually. My heart actually hurts at the thought even as I realize that would be the better option.

  “I don’t know what you expect we’ll find,” I mutter as I gaze out the window.

  “Probably nothing.” He offers me a shrug of one shoulder. “But I’d rather know for sure there’s no drugs in your old house. At least we know we won’t be going on a wild goose chase.”

  “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” I shake my head.

  We went down to the station in the end and reported the assault because they called me and told me my car was ready to be released, but I could tell he held no hope of finding the guy. The detective warned me that if I did find any drugs to hand them straight over to the police. Which is all very well for him but it’s not his neck on the line. What happens if I hand them over and this Johnson person decides to take revenge on me?

  Honestly, it’s just insane, this whole thing. After Rob died, I pictured being this strong, independent women with my own house. I was going to knuckle down at work and concentrate on getting my life straight. Now I’m sleeping with my best friend and trying to outsmart some drug dealers.

  Nick suggested we do a search of the house and try to see if we can figure out what Rob did with the drugs. I can’t help thinking I would have found them when I packed up, but I guess he could have hidden them somewhere. It seems unlikely. Rob tried so hard to keep me out of his real life. Why would he have risked me discovering some drugs and finding about his dealing? Besides Skinhead said they already searched the place.

  We pull up to the house and nothing’s changed. I straighten. Except the front door is boarded up. The lawn is neat as if it’s been mowed recently but clearly no one’s moved in yet. Somehow Nick wrangled a key from someone so we’re free to have a poke around.

  Nick pulls into the drive and I climb out before he can come around and open the door. I know he loves to play the gentleman but I need to start asserting myself in this relationship—or whatever this is—again. I already feel like he gives too much. I need to gain some ground.

  I suck in a breath and am surprisingly okay as I gaze around at the place where I really felt my life fall apart. This was where I truly lost myself. Maybe I didn’t realize how much I’d already moved on. Maybe I didn’t comprehend how much Nick has helped with that. I offer him a small smile over the roof of the car as we approach the house. It still scares the hell out of me and I dread what’s coming next, but he’s made me see myself as sexy again. Nick has a way of holding me that makes me feel like the only person around, like I’m actually valuable again. He doesn’t want alcohol or other women or a flash life outside of me. He just wants me. For once, I’m enough for someone.

  If only he wasn’t a soldier. It’s the only flaw he has.

  As we approach the boarded-up door, I hear a squeal and when I turn, I realize it’s Jess. She grins as she approaches, one of the kids on her hip. “Sienna! How are you, honey?”

  I embrace her and give her an embarrassed grimace. “I’m sorry I haven’t texted. Life’s been crazy.”

  She waves away my apology. “Don’t be silly. You’ve had to deal with a lot. What are you doing here?”

  I peek at Nick, who raises his brows. “Um… I may have left something behind. I just wanted to check if it was still here.”

  “Well I hope not. We had some vandals break in a few weeks ago. I don’t know what they were after. Mark reckoned it was just trouble makers as it’s clear the house is empty.”

  I share a look with Nick again and I know he’s thinking the same. It was Big Johnson’s guys.

  Jess’s little one, Archie, starts wriggling in her hold and she offers me an apologetic smile. “I’ve got to put him down for a nap. Be sure to text me soon, okay? He’ll be going into daycare in the mornings soon and I’ll be a free agent again. We need to meet up for coffee.”

  “I will,” I promise and mean it. A lot of my problems stemmed from me giving up, I think. I just stopped putting in any effort to make friends. I’m not going to let that happen again. Jess is kind enough to give me a second chance and I’m going to take it.

  I’m getting a second chance at something else too, I recognize, as she gives me a quick wave before disappearing into her house. I don’t know if I can take the chance there. Loving Nick is a much bigger risk.

  Loving?

  I peek at Nick over my shoulder and he pins me down with one of those looks. One that says he knows exactly what I’m thinking. And maybe… maybe he feels the same. My throat tightens and I quickly look away. He steps forward to unlock the door and the smell of stale air greets us. He enters first, holding out an arm to keep me behind him as if he’s expecting someone to jump out on us.

  The rooms are dark, the blinds are drawn, but it’s clear the place has been thoroughly trashed. Glass crunches under my sneakers as we enter the hallway. I leave the door ajar to let in some light.

  “Careful,” Nick warns. “There’s broken glass all over.”

  “God, they’ve really torn this place apart. If they haven’t found anything, there’s no way we will.”

  “You’re probably right, but we should still check.”

  Coldness seeps into my bones as we go into the large kitchen. The cupboards have been thrown open, even the flooring has been pulled up. I stumble over a loose edge and swear as Nick snatches my arm to right me. It’s weird to think this was once my house. I suspect even if it wasn’t trashed, it would feel like a stranger’s home to me. That part of my life feels so long ago already. I’m not there yet, but you know, I suspect I’m healing.

  How much of that is to do with Nick’s uninhibited loving?

  We do a quick search of the kitchen and living room but I can tell Nick thinks it’s as pointless as I do. Maybe it’s that military thoroughness that has us climbing the stairs and searching the two bedrooms.

  “Stay here,” he orders as we come to the main bedroom door. “The floorboards are loose. Guess they were hoping the drugs might be under there.”

  “They did a thorough job, that’s for sure.” I peer around the corner and see the doors hanging unsteadily from the inbuilt closets, having been almost torn from their hinges. “Be careful,” I plead when I note the state of the floor.

  They must have brought in crow bars as there’s barely any floor left. Just jousts and discarded planks. Wherever these drugs are, they must be worth a lot to go to this much effort and to risk breaking into military property. I guess Rob was in pretty deep.

  Nick throws aside one of the closet doors and my insides curl a little. I don’t know if it’s t
he empty house, the unpleasant memories or the state of the place that’s doing it, but I’m almost trembling now. “Nick, come on. This is a waste of time.”

  “We’ve only got one more room to check. Let’s do that and we’ll get out of here.”

  As he turns, there’s a slight crack and one of the floorboards splits where it’s been pried up. I call out a warning and he grabs the closet door but it can’t hold his weight and he goes down, the door breaking away and landing heavily on top of him. A cloud of dust kicks up, I hear him grunt and then nothing.

  “Nick!”

  I leap forward and nearly twist my ankle in a hole in the floor. I steady myself and make my way carefully across the buckled and warped boards, lit only by strips of light from between the blinds. Nick’s not moved. Bile rises in my throat as I bend over and heft the closet door off him. It’s solid wood and surprisingly heavy, but I manage to shift it so I can kneel at Nick’s side.

  I exhale when I see the rise and fall of his chest but his eyes are firmly shut. When I press a hand under his head, I realize he must have fallen hard as my palm comes away sticky with blood. Fingers on his neck, I feel his pulse. It’s steady but the gash on his head is bleeding badly. Head wounds have a tendency to bleed like mad, even small ones, and I can’t tell how bad it is in the gloom.

  “Nick,” I call softly and shuffle closer.

  I have nothing to stem the bleeding with so I undo my cotton shirt. I try to tear a strip from it but it doesn’t give. Dammit, it always looks so easy on TV. Giving up, I shrug out of it and ease up his head so I can support him on my lap, shirt underneath. I shudder but I don’t think it’s from a chill. Blood seeps into my pale blue shirt.

  “Nick, wake up,” I beg, my voice trembling slightly.

  As I cradle his head, I stare around. I left my cell in the car but Nick probably has his. I lean over and dig into his pocket. Thank God. But when I pull it out, I realize he’s got no signal. I’m going to have to leave him to get help and I really don’t want to. In fact, the thought of leaving him makes me sick to my stomach.

  It’s at that moment all my thoughts of loving him don’t seem so far-fetched. I study his strong profile for an instant. He’s been such a big part of my life, even my marriage, I can’t imagine being without him. Who am I kidding? This attraction isn’t burning out. It’s growing. But does he feel the same? Would it be worth all the heartache that comes from being with a soldier to be with Nick?

  I can’t help thinking it would. I’m older and stronger. I could probably cope with it better now and being with Nick is nothing like it was with Rob. I know he’d put me first whenever he could.

  God, I need to tell him all this.

  I wriggle slightly and start to shift him gently off my lap. I’m still in my bra but I don’t want to take my shirt away from the cut. I guess I’ll have to make a run to Jess’s house and hope no one sees me.

  Before I can lay him on the floor, he moans, and I hold my breath and listen. His eyes flutter and I give one hand a squeeze as I settle him back in my lap.

  “Nick?” I close my eyes for a second and pray for him to wake up.

  “Am I dead?”

  I laugh—a slightly hysterical laugh if I’m honest—and open my eyes to see his blue gaze staring up at me.

  One eyebrow rises as he eyes me.

  “You’re not dead,” I say, “but you had me scared.”

  “You sure? ‘Cause it sure looks like heaven right now.”

  I note his gaze on my cleavage and shake my head. Here he is, scaring the hell out of me and all he’s concerned with is perving on my breasts.

  I put on my best stern nursey voice. “You, Mr. Jackson, have had a bad knock to the head. My shirt got sacrificed.”

  He tries to sit up and winces. “Ouch.” He slumps back into my lap and I brush the hair away from his forehead.

  “I do need to get a good look at it really. Will you be able to get up or do I need to go for help?”

  “Just give me a minute. The world is still spinning.”

  “You scared the life out of me, Nick.”

  “Good.”

  “Good?” I exclaim.

  “It means you care about me.”

  “Of course I care about you, you idiot. You don’t need to go throwing yourself about and cracking your head open to get me to care about you.”

  He gives me a knowing look, that eyebrow rising again and I almost groan. I think maybe I’m the idiot.

  “Just no more heroics, okay?” I order. I can’t bring myself to say anything yet. What if he doesn’t love me? What if it is only mind blowing sex for him? I’m willing to take a risk but not that big a risk yet.

  “Damn, and here I thought women love a hero.”

  “You are a hero,” I remind him.

  “Don’t you start too. I always liked that you never put me on a pedestal.”

  I tilt his head gently and am relieved to see it appears the bleeding has slowed. The red patch on my shirt doesn’t seem to have grown. “I don’t know what you mean. You are a hero, Nick. A lot more guys would have died in that attack if you hadn’t kept shooting.”

  “It’s just the training, you know that, Sienna.” He pushes himself up and I keep my shirt held to the back of his head.

  “Bullshit.” I peel away the cotton and peer at his head but it’s still too dark to tell what the damage is. “Are you still dizzy? Do you think you can make it to the car?”

  “Yeah, just give me a moment.” He glares at me. “What do you mean bullshit?”

  “Being a hero is part of you, Nick. It’s just the way you are. You want to know why I didn’t treat you any different after your accident?”

  We struggle to get him to his feet and he wavers but somehow remains standing. Quite a lot of his weight is on me but I’m determined he won’t fall again.

  “Why?” he asks gruffly.

  “Because I wasn’t surprised, because you hadn’t changed. You’ve always been like that.” We inch awkwardly out of the room and onto the landing. The stairs might as well be Everest to me. “Be careful.”

  Somehow we make it down the stairs without either of us falling. My shoulders hurt from his weight pressing down on them and we pause to catch our breath. Nick leans against the wall.

  “We didn’t finish searching,” he grumbles between deep breaths.

  “We’re not going to find anything and you know it. You’re just stubborn.”

  “Says you.” He pulls my shirt away from his head where he’s been clutching it and scowls. “You can’t go out like that. You’d better have this back.”

  He hands me my blood-stained shirt and I shudder. “I don’t know. You ought to keep something on it.”

  “Just put it on. I’m not going anywhere with you like that.”

  And he thinks I’m the stubborn one. I shake my head and tug the shirt back on, fumbling to do up a few buttons. Arm around my shoulder, he sinks back onto me and we stumble our way to the car. I don’t even bother locking the door behind us. What’s the point? It’s not like it can be trashed further. Nick mutters something about returning the key but I ignore him and somehow push his large form into the passenger seat.

  “Let me see your head,” I demand as I climb in the driver’s side.

  He obligingly turns and I bite my lip at the sight of his blond hair tinged with red. I carefully part his hair and he curses. The cut isn’t deep and seems to have stopped bleeding but he must have taken a hard hit to knock him out.

  “I think we should get you to the hospital.”

  “Does it need stitching?” He puts a hand to the back of his head.

  “No, but you’re probably concussed.”

  “No hospital.”

  I roll my eyes. “You need to get checked out.”

  He folds his arms across his chest and leans back against the seat. I catch his wince as he turns his head slightly to the side and I know he’s in pain.

  “Just take me home, woman. I need to li
e down and take some painkillers. What’s the point of knowing a nurse if she can’t look after me?”

  I smother a laugh at his grumbling tone and start the car, trying not to contemplate the way he refers to my apartment as ‘home’. Weirdly, it already feels like home. But only when Nick is there.

  ***

  Nick

  I wake to the smell of flowers, or something womanly. Sienna immediately comes to mind and I groan as my head pounds. Soft sheets cover me, so unlike my crappy ones back at base. A guy could get used to this really. I’ve spent so long looking after myself and trying to look after others, including Sienna, it’s kinda nice to be on the receiving end.

  Sienna must have heard my groan as she comes dashing in from the kitchen and sits next to me. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

  She beams at me, pale eyes sparkling with relief and something else, and my heart twists. The woman is so damned gorgeous and she just doesn’t get it. For a bright woman, she can be pretty stupid.

  I try to sit up but my head throbs in response. “How long have I been asleep?” I ask as I give up and flop back onto the soft pillows.

  “Only an hour or so.” She reaches over to the bedside table and pops out a couple of pills and offers them to me.

  As I shove them in my mouth, she urges me forward, a hand behind my head and passes me a glass of water. I swallow the pills and lie back again. Oh yeah, I could get used to this. Sienna looking all concerned for me, her soft hands holding me. Something’s changed, I’m sure of it. All that hero talk. I don’t know, I’ve got this feeling she’s finally figured out that I ain’t getting out of her life and she wants me just as badly.

  I hide a grin as I consider how I’m going to get her to confess the truth. She’s so easy to read that it won’t be hard, and I’ll admit I take a perverse pleasure in putting her on edge and seeing her squirm. I’m not sure if she realizes it yet, but I’m not going to let her get off easily. This is it. Her and me.