Out of Character

by Annabeth Albert

  The group was a little smaller than usual, a few people having had other obligations and April having not come because she’d had a low-grade fever Thursday and Jasper’s mom was worried about potential germs at a gathering this size. I felt bad that she’d had to miss this as she probably would have appreciated all the fancy stuff more than I could.

  “Oh, honey, come here. I want a picture with Toga Guy.” A slightly tipsy woman a little younger than my mom in a silver dress dragged a guy in an elegant black tux over to where we stood. It took me a second to realize that I was Toga Guy. Jasper made a go-ahead motion, and I went to stand next to them by some columns and a gold backdrop.

  “Of course you do,” the guy groused. “Couldn’t catch me dead wearing nothing but a sheet.”

  I opened my mouth, but no sound escaped my throat. I wanted to defend Kellan’s handiwork because this costume was so much more than a sheet and I had not straightened all my various gold accessories for nothing. I wanted to make some quip like Jasper would about how I’d never owned sheets with a thread count this high or whatever. But I did what I always did when I felt uncomfortable or embarrassed: nothing.

  I did, however, smile for Jasmine who took the picture with the woman’s phone, an almost reflex on my part. Smile. Don’t let the discomfort show. Hope it would be over soon. Which it was, and after they had wandered away, I returned to Jasper’s side.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  I shrugged, knowing he’d see through a ready lie. “Guess not everyone likes costumes.”

  “Nope. But as long as they open their wallets for the cause, who cares?”

  Me, apparently, but I wasn’t admitting that. “But you like it. I still haven’t exactly figured out what you like about dressing up so much.”

  My tone must have been a bit sharp because he frowned. “Haven’t you ever wanted to be someone different?”

  “Yeah.” I bit my lip. Every damn day, honestly, although that burning, awful need to get out of my own skin was getting somewhat better the more time I spent with Jasper.

  “Me too. And it’s fun. An escape. A chance to be silly.”

  “I get it. I just wish others saw it that way and not as…embarrassing.”

  “Screw that.” Jasper’s frown deepened and his voice hardened. “Are you seriously going to live your life in fear that someone might laugh?”

  “Uh…” I knew the right answer, but I also knew myself. It was hard. And I wasn’t entirely sure we were still talking costumes.

  “If you’re continually afraid of being embarrassed, you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun.” Jasper shook his head as if he was already tired of me being such a drag. And before I could apologize, he added, “I’m thirsty. How about I get us some sodas?”

  “Sure.” I might be a disappointment to him, but at least I could be an agreeable disappointment. However, as he walked away, I couldn’t help feeling like I’d screwed up. I wished there were a way to show Jasper that I might be slow but that I was trying to get better.

  While Jasper waited in a long line at the bar, a few other people wanted pictures. However, in between photo taking, I took in the gathering, people-watching. At first I was looking for more people like the rude guy, people looking for a chance to laugh at us, but everyone seemed occupied with their own friend groups, too busy and happy to make fun of some college kids in wacky costumes. Shoulders unknotting, I started picking out costume ideas for my drawings. I liked the idea of doing more superhero drawings for kids at the hospital.

  My gaze landed on the dance floor where a tall Superman was swaying along with a shorter Batman. They were only one of several couples dancing to a classic ballad, but they captivated me. Both men were probably in their late thirties or early forties, and the easy familiarity with which they danced spoke to a long relationship. And there they were, wearing tights and fake muscles and capes and laughing and moving together without a seeming care for what anyone else thought.

  I want to be that brave. The thought slammed into me. And more than that, I wanted a love like that. Someone who knew how I danced and what I liked and what made me laugh. I glanced back at Jasper who was almost to the front of the drinks line. Maybe that wish wasn’t as far out of reach as I thought. And maybe there was a way to show Jasper that I was working on the brave part. Maybe.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jasper

  “Did you get into trouble without me?” I asked Milo as I handed him a soda in a clear plastic cup. I tried to keep my voice light, like we hadn’t taken a left turn into Awkward Town ever since Milo had turned into a walking corpse when we’d run into the people at my dorm. Stiff. Pale. Monosyllabic. So much for progress.

  “Nah. Stood for some more pictures. Thanks for the drink.” Milo’s tone was cautious, like he was trying to suss out if I was still irritated with him. Which I was, a little. But while in line, I’d resolved not to sulk all night.

  “No problem.” I gave him a smile, a real one because even uncomfortable, he was still who I wanted to spend my evening with. “I looked at some of the auction items on my way back, and the bids are high. They should raise a ton of money tonight.”

  “Good. I hope the foundation can help more families like yours.” He sipped at the soda.

  “Me too.” Maybe small talk was the best we could do right then, but Milo seemed to be marginally loosening up. A pair of women in fairy costumes wanted pictures with us, and he even managed some jokes along with a grin for the camera.

  As they left, he turned back to me. “I still might not entirely understand the cosplay thing, but even I can see the good your group does.”

  “Yeah? Not embarrassed to be seen with us?” Okay. Perhaps I wasn’t entirely over my earlier funk.

  “No. You guys are great.” He gestured at Kellan and Jasmine and the others. “Good people. I like your friends.”

  “Thanks. I think they like you too.” More like I liked him. Way more than I should. And with each picture he stood for, I liked him a little more, especially when he’d remind people to go bid high on the auction items. As the party progressed, the requests for pictures slowed, and we ended up standing near the back of the room, eating fancy food and watching people spin on the dance floor. A sappy song came on and more people headed to dance. There were several same-sex couples, including a Batman and Superman duo who were particularly good dancers.

  Dynamic duo. That was what Milo had called us, but I knew in my gut that wouldn’t be us. Milo? Making lovey-dovey eyes where other people could see? Not happening. Not to mention the chances of him wanting something permanent and public were next to nil. I exhaled hard, trying to keep my earlier resolution about not getting bent over things out of my control.

  Right as I breathed out again, a hand brushed mine. Milo. But instead of flinching away, like I’d expected, he kept his hand there, against mine, fingers tracing my wrist and palm.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered.

  “I believe it’s called holding hands.” He laced our fingers together, squeezing my hand like we were alone in the car and not five feet from my friends who were not going to miss this development.

  “It is.” My heart clattered against my ribs, which were entirely insufficient to withstand this surge of emotion. “And I’m not complaining, but I feel honor bound to point out that we might be noticed.”

  “That’s okay.” The back of his neck was flushed as were his cheeks, but he didn’t pull away even though I could feel the tension in his grip. “Maybe we should dance.”

  “Here? Now?”

  “Well, maybe not this song. This song is pretty terrible. But your friends are dancing.” He gestured at the dance floor where Kellan and Jasmine were swaying out of rhythm to a Disney love song. “We should too.”

  “That’s going to be even more noticeable than holding hands. People are going to think we’re togeth
er.” I was starting to worry that I was having an out-of-body experience. Or maybe that Milo was.

  “What was that you said earlier? Let them.”

  Yep. He’d definitely been kidnapped by aliens and this was his cry for help. And he might sound resolute, but he’d also turned pale and stiff again.

  “You look like you just rode that roller coaster. You don’t have to do this.” I didn’t drop his hand, but I did pitch my voice low and soothing as I loosened my fingers, so he’d know I wasn’t tethering him to another uncomfortable situation. But to my surprise, he tightened his grip.

  “I might be nervous. And not really know what I’m doing or how to do it right, but I want to.” His tone was firm, as if he needed to sell us both on this turn of events. “I like holding your hand.”

  “I like holding your hand too.” No way was I letting go now. He was trying. And in that moment, it was everything. He was scared and he was trying anyway—for me. It was almost too much. “And you’re doing plenty right. Trust me.”

  “I just want you to know that I’m not always going to be embarrassed about us.” He nodded sharply as the song crested, our own little movie-perfect moment as my heart did its best to leap over those protective barricades I kept erecting to present itself to Milo on a platter for the taking.

  “There’s an us?” I had to joke so that I didn’t let myself get carried away by what his declaration meant. But he’d used an us and an always in the same sentence. And that was something.

  “There’s an us.” He was emphatic, but then bit his lip. “Right?”

  “Yeah. There is.” I squeezed his hand and tugged him closer. The velvet of my jacket brushed his bare arm. “And even when I wear my costume? I don’t want you embarrassed to be seen with me.”

  “I’m not.”

  I raised an eyebrow because I didn’t believe him.

  “Seriously. Any issues I have are with myself. And sure, I don’t like eyeballs on me or being made fun of. But I’m working on not caring. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

  “Thanks.” Heart. Milo’s. Done deal. Delivered with two-day express shipping, no returns accepted. And right on cue, the music shifted to another love song, this one from a movie popular the year we graduated from high school. And for once the thought of high school didn’t make me nauseated and angry. The past was fading. Not gone. Not forgotten. But not as important, not as vital as this moment right here. “This song better?”

  “Yeah.” Milo nodded but didn’t move.

  “We don’t have to—”

  “I want to.” Still holding hands, Milo took a few halting steps toward the dance floor.

  “Okay.” I took over, leading him to the edge, near a speaker, and while not hidden, it was a little more out of the way. It had my intended effect as Milo huffed out a breath and relaxed enough to move into a dancing position. We had a bit of a tussle as we sorted out how to stand. Of course, Mr. Ideal Platonic Formal Dance Date assumed he’d lead, but I’d sort of automatically taken that stance too. But we figured it out, and like with kissing, Milo went from instigator to happy follower, letting me direct us as we shuffled and swayed. Dancing with the Stars we were not, but there was music and we were dancing and it was possibly the best moment of my whole life, especially when Milo kept looking at me like he too couldn’t believe we were here.

  “This is…”

  “Perfect.” I finished the thought for him, because it really was. I could tell he was still a little nervous, and that made it all the sweeter because he was trying. Trying to be here with me. And that mattered.

  “Exactly.” He gave me a tentative smile that lit me up from the inside out. A new song started and we kept dancing. “Jasper?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Tell me we can get out of here soon.” The heat in his gaze made it clear this request was motivated by something other than discomfort, and my body finally caught up to my brain, taking notice of how close we were standing, how delicious he smelled, how good his hand felt in mine.

  “Are you in a hurry?” My laugh was strained from holding back the urge to kiss him.

  “Yes.” Milo glanced back at the door to the ballroom.

  “Good.” I didn’t kiss him, but it was a close call. Instead, I dropped his hands and led the way back to my friends where we made the world’s fastest goodbyes before heading out into the cold and clear night. “You’d better drive. I might be tempted to speed if you keep looking at me like that.”

  “Like this?” Milo gave me an exaggerated leer that had me preening.

  “It’s a wonder my costume hasn’t spontaneously combusted.”

  “It’s a risk.” He gave me a fast kiss right next to my car. The parking structure was otherwise empty, but I still thrilled at the gesture.

  “Okay, we really need to get out of here.” Charged energy crackled between us the whole way back to the college. “Hurry.”

  Laughing, we raced toward my dorm, but I slowed when Milo pulled up short, grimacing. “Damn it. These sandals. Still not used to them.”

  “Sorry. I should have remembered about your leg. Can you do the stairs? I don’t want to make it worse.”

  “Oh, I’m doing the stairs.” His mouth was still tight, but the heat was back in his gaze. “Totally worth it.”

  “Yeah, it is. But we can go slow.” We took the stairs at a more sedate pace, and when we emerged on the fourth floor, the board game among my fellow residents was still going on.

  “Hey, Jasper!” A biology major who was a senior like me, with a love of loud K-pop, looked up from the game.

  “How was the ball?” Another girl spoke up, shuffling some cards. “And Prince Charming?”

  “Excellent.” I inched toward my door.

  “You guys want to play?” She held up the cards.

  “Later.” Milo’s expression was less alarmed than earlier, more like he was vibrating with the same need to be alone as me.

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t entirely sure what I was apologizing for as I closed my door behind us. We threw our coats on the chair where neither of us would be sleeping that night.

  “Don’t be sorry. Kiss me.”

  “That I can do.” First, however, I quickly connected my phone to my speakers, which were cheap but effective.

  “What are you doing?” Milo had followed me over to my desk, a most welcome stalker. Within moments, a playlist I used sometimes for unwinding my brain for sleep filled the room. Wasn’t perfect, but I hardly had seductive music at the ready.

  “Privacy. In case you wanted to make good on your earlier promise…”

  “Oh, I do.”

  “Excellent.” I pushed him until he was seated on the bed, sinking to my knees in front of him, but he shook his head and hauled me up next to him. “What?”

  He stretched to grab his backpack from the floor next to the bed. “I…I brought stuff. If you want to…”

  “Because you think I need that?” I tilted my head as I considered him. He was blushing again, but he didn’t seem anywhere near as uneasy as he had earlier. And his eyes still glowed with sexy intent.

  “Because I need to. Want to, I mean. With you.” Abandoning the backpack, he gave me a slow, soft kiss.

  “Okay.” Like I could have refused right then. My pulse thrummed, anticipation and nerves in equal measure. “I have supplies too, you know. Could have saved the cash.”

  He offered me a crooked grin. “I figured you might, but I didn’t want to presume. Really wanted to be able to do this tonight. Together.”

  “Nice.” I kissed him back, but I couldn’t let go of a rogue thought that kept making my neck prickle. “Does that bug you? That I’ve done it before?”

  “Not really. I mean, like, I’m mad jealous, but also glad one of us knows what they are doing.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that…” My la
ugh had a definite nervous edge to it. “Don’t want to get your expectations too high here.”

  “It’s you. And you haven’t let me down yet.”

  If he hadn’t already snagged my heart earlier, he’d have it now. All his. His belief in me, his absolute trust, meant the world to me. I only hoped I could find it in me to trust him, trust us, half as much as he trusted me. And I didn’t want to let him down either. My hands shook as I pulled him close. I wanted to make all his dreams come true and just hoped I was up to the task.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Milo

  “I don’t want to ever let you down.” Jasper was way too serious for a guy about to get lucky.

  “You won’t.” I matched his somber tone. And I truly believed that. He wasn’t the type to maliciously fail me or to stop trying. He cared, and the fact that he’d slowed down enough to talk about this was proof.

  “You’re awfully sure of that.” Jasper bumped shoulders with me, still not back to the kissing and joking mood we’d been in before. The music was slow and nostalgic, which made me more relaxed and talkative than was maybe wise.

  “I am. And I’m the one who let you down. You…you’re the most reliable, generous person I’ve ever known.” I wasn’t sure whether I could ever apologize enough, and my stomach churned with worries that never totally went away.

  “You can’t keep beating yourself up for past mistakes.” Jasper squeezed my hand. Yup, kind and generous to a fault. “You were really brave tonight. That matters. And I want us to move on. Forward. Together.”

  “Together,” I echoed before kissing him, putting all my surging emotions into it, all the things I didn’t even have words for. I meant what I’d said at the ball. I wanted an us, however scary and unlikely that concept might be.