Falling into You

by Jackson, A. L.

  Too fucking stunned to feel the agony.

  My hands went to my abdomen, fingers covered in blood.

  Footsteps rushed and pounded, chaos and dust and debris.

  Smoke.

  A haze.

  Thunderbolt eyes staring down at me. Tears streaming down that gorgeous face. Desperate hands searching. Pleading. The girl weeping over me.

  And I was swamped in it.

  Violets and grace and the good.

  My fairy girl.

  Her hands were on my face.

  Magic.

  Magic.

  Safe and whole.

  The one thing in this world that ever mattered.

  My moonflower.

  My wife.

  Every lyric.

  The song of my heart.

  Forty-One

  Violet

  The monitor beeped quietly. Steady and unending. A drone that lulled through the darkened room and pushed time into eternity. I held his warm hand in mine, the pad of my thumb caressing over the violet tattooed on the inside of his wrist.

  Prayin’ and prayin’.

  I touched his pallid face.

  The man far, far away, while I sat in the seat next to him begging him to come back to me.

  “Don’t leave me, Richard. Don’t you dare. I’m gonna need you now more than ever. Besides, you owe me a really big explanation.”

  The last hitched on a breathy laugh.

  On a plea.

  On desperation.

  Except Lily had told me everything.

  I didn’t think I had even needed to hear it.

  I’d seen everything I needed to know go down right in front of my eyes.

  The protectiveness.

  The selflessness.

  The willingness to give.

  I saw the goodness.

  I saw it.

  Amor. Amor. Amor.

  “Do you feel me, Richard? Do you feel me falling with you? I’ve always been floating in your eclipse. Please, find me in it. I’m right here, calling for you.”

  * * *

  “Hi,” I whispered.

  He blinked, sage eyes staring up at me in confusion, like he was wonderin’ if it were a dream.

  If I were real.

  If this feeling that lulled and lapped and swam around us was just a figment of the afterlife.

  It’d been close.

  So close.

  We’d lost him twice.

  Two times he’d coded.

  His body rejecting the attempts the doctors made at savin’ his life.

  Two times I’d begged him to come back to me. To find me in the darkness where I’d forever been falling for him.

  His thick throat bobbed as he swallowed around the dryness. “Violet.”

  I edged forward and brushed back the hair from his face. “I’m right here. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Richard breathed out in relief before he was lost to torment again. “Lily?” he begged.

  “She’s safe. She was injured, but it wasn’t life-threatening.”

  “The rest of the girls?”

  “Safe. They’re all safe. Because of you.”

  His head minutely shook. “I—I never wanted to leave you. Not once. But Lily was right…I couldn’t risk getting you involved in that life. I had to walk. Stay as far away as possible. And then once I found Lily again…everything changed, Violet. The focus. My reason. I think the whole time, I felt myself on the way back to you.”

  “Shh. I know, Richard. I know. Lily told me everything.”

  “I’m sorry. So fuckin’ sorry.”

  The corner of my mouth trembled. Emotion this ball that bubbled and grew and grasped for what we were.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. That I didn’t listen.”

  Richard attempted to sit up.

  “Try not to move. You still have a lot of healing to do.”

  Two gunshot wounds.

  One to his abdomen. One to his left shoulder.

  The man my miracle.

  He grappled for my hand. “All of it was on me. My fault. I wanted the band’s success so fuckin’ bad that I missed it. Missed every warning before it was too late. A fool to trust who clearly shouldn’t be trusted. I started it, and I never knew how to stop it.”

  “But you risked it all. For her. For them.”

  “Freeing them was all I had left to give.”

  My fingers traced the shape of his unforgettable face. “Because you’re a good, good man who got lost somewhere along the way.”

  “And you still found me in the darkness.”

  “I just had to listen with my heart.”

  Joy and sorrow.

  They bustled through the atmosphere, throbbing in time with the beat of the heart monitor. Most of the machines that had surrounded us for the last week had been disconnected. No longer needed to sustain his life because he’d come back to me.

  “Where is Lily?”

  “In protective custody. Until they know for sure it’s safe.” I kept brushing my fingertips along the scruff of his jaw, unwilling to let go of the connection. “More than two-hundred-fifty arrests have been made.”

  Anger huffed from his nose.

  “They found two more houses, Richard. A total of forty captives were freed.”

  Moisture clouded his eyes, and god, I loved and I loved.

  This beautiful, broken man.

  “Lester Ford?” he pushed out.

  I nodded. “They finally got him, too. He tried to disappear, but he was arrested in South America two days ago. He’s being extradited as we speak.”

  “It’s over.”

  My smile wobbled. “It’s over.”

  * * *

  Late afternoon light filtered through our childhood home. Drenching it in love and warmth and hope. I wanted to cling to it. To let love whisper its faith into my spirit.

  But all of this was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

  But with it came joy.

  A juxtaposition that thrashed and banged and calmed.

  Maybe it was hers that was crashing into mine, the trembling that reverberated from her body and flooded the room with uncertainty.

  As if she no longer knew where she belonged or where she stood.

  I could only let her know where I did.

  I reached out and squeezed the hand of her arm that was casted. It was where she had sustained the gunshot that had shattered her upper arm. An external injury that would heal. I just prayed all the scars littered inside could one day do the same.

  Liliana squeezed back. “I’m not sure I can do this,” she wheezed through a stuttered breath of pain, staring up at the staircase like it was going to swallow her.

  “It’s the one thing she wanted. She needs this.”

  My big sister sniffled, and my heart jerked in time.

  “Just…stay with me, okay?”

  “I’ve always been with you, even when you weren’t standing right next to me,” I told her, wishing she would have understood that from the beginning.

  That she would have fought for herself as hard as she’d fought for me. If she would have sacrificed for herself what she’d sacrificed for the rest of us.

  I still couldn’t bear it—the truth of what she’d endured.

  She nodded as tears coursed down her face.

  We started up the stairs.

  One step joy.

  Another devastation.

  Another echoing with the memory of us stampeding up them when we were little, our mama yelling from the living room to be careful in her gentle way, chuckling under her breath that we might as well have been boys with the way we roughhoused.

  Another ricocheting with the loss. The loss of laughter. The loss of years.

  We made it to the landing, and Lily slowed, trying to find her breaths and slow her heart and keep herself from dropping to her knees.

  I squeezed her hand again. “She is happy, Lily. Not just for the moment or because something
turned out right. But because her heart knows the true meaning of it. Seeing her sick is the hardest thing in the world, but don’t look at her body. Look in her eyes, and you’ll see it.”

  Inhaling deeply, she let go of my hand, finding that massive well of strength that she once was, and she edged forward.

  A second later, she stood in the doorway of our mama’s room. Staring on the woman who had loved us with all that she was.

  The one who had instilled our belief. Who had taught us kindness. Who’d whispered fierceness into our souls.

  Lily was the epitome of it.

  A fighter.

  A survivor.

  The second they locked eyes, Lily rushed to her side and dropped to her knees, edged up high enough that she could bury her face in our mama’s belly. “Mama.”

  Mama choked on the relief.

  “Liliana. My sweet child. Liliana.”

  Pain and joy danced.

  Mama tipped her head back and stared down at the daughter she’d been terrified she would never see again.

  And those eyes said it all.

  Amor. Amor. Amor.

  * * *

  I didn’t know how I was supposed to stand aside and watch this happen.

  My entire body shook.

  An earthquake.

  A landslide.

  That selfishness that I tried to shuck from my consciousness. To rid from my spirit.

  I searched for the kind of strength my big sister had mustered for the last six years, knowing I didn’t have an idea, that I’d never come close, praying I could find a modicum of that bravery.

  That I’d possess a shred of the type of self-sacrifice Lily had made.

  “You should go and say hi,” I whispered, running my hand through Daisy’s hair where she stood next to me looking at Lily who stood rigid with her arms crossed over her chest about twenty feet away.

  The late afternoon sky was chilled, my entire body shivering like it was gonna succumb to the cold.

  Daisy danced over to her, stared up into Lily’s eyes with one of those grins that could shatter the earth.

  Bright.

  Brilliant.

  Sunshine.

  “Hi. I’m Daisy.”

  Lily knelt down in front of her and tipped up her chin. “Hi, Daisy,” she whispered on a tortured breath.

  I nearly crumbled.

  Daisy giggled and held up her casted arm. “Look, we match.”

  Lily brushed her knuckles down Daisy’s cheek. “We do, don’t we?”

  “Yup! Did you know I’m a bird? I fly so high. Come and watch me.”

  Daisy grabbed Lily’s hand and dragged her down the sloping lawn to her swing set in the middle of the yard.

  A sob wrenched out of my throat.

  Strong, strong arms wrapped around me from behind, even though one was in a sling. His voice came as a whisper in my ear, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

  “I’m falling, Richard. Falling apart.”

  His head shook against mine, and he just held me tighter. “It’s okay. You can fall. I’ll be right here to catch you.”

  “She’s my life.”

  “And you’re mine. We’ve got this, baby. Whatever life throws at us, we’ve got this.”

  Daisy’s laughter billowed through the air.

  Richard held me tighter. “She’s so beautiful.”

  “All I’ve ever wanted is her joy.”

  “And you’ve given it to her.”

  Lily caught her at the bottom of the slide. “Wow, you did it!” she sang.

  “I’m way big, didn’t you know that? And a Tomfoolery, but I’m working on that.”

  Lily choked on a laugh.

  Sorrow and joy.

  Sorrow and joy.

  It curled through the air like wisps of clouds.

  “Mommy and Mr. Richard! Come play with us!” Daisy waved her unbroken arm in the air.

  A haggard sound crawled my throat, and my gaze clawed toward my sister’s.

  Agony. Agony.

  Richard held me with his hands pressed over my chest. Keeping me upright.

  Liliana smiled. This soft, knowing smile. She gestured with her head for us to join them.

  Richard took my hand, weaving our fingers together as he moved to my side. Energy sparked. Alive in the air. His dark aura washing through the encroaching night.

  In it was warmth.

  His ferocity.

  His soul.

  The man towered beside me where I stood in his eclipse.

  “You can do this,” Richard said with soft, soft belief.

  I forced myself to walk their way on unstable feet.

  The ground rumbled beneath. I thought I could physically feel it getting ready to be ripped out from under me.

  “Mr. Richard! Mr. Richard! Are you all better now? Can you go on the slide? My mommy said I’ve got to be so super careful because she can’t take no one else she loves getting hurt. Lords knows I’m a disaster.”

  A rough chuckle rolled through my aching chest.

  Richard squeezed my hand tighter. “Give me a few days, flower girl, and I’ll be good as new.”

  She grinned at the nickname he’d given her, her sweet face glowing, his love flooding out.

  “How about I push you on the swing, instead?”

  “Oh, yes, that’s a great idea. But you gotta do it high. I’m a bird, not a chicken.”

  Lily and I both choked on shocked, consumed laughter.

  Both of us on unsteady ground.

  Tiptoeing around this meetin’.

  My sister looked at me, took my hand where we watched Richard and Daisy play.

  The child laughing and laughing.

  Her joy filling the air as the day faded away.

  “Sit with me?” Lily asked.

  I gave her a nod, and we moved over to the back-porch steps that overlooked Daisy’s swing set.

  Silence stretched on.

  Strung up on the questions.

  On the unsurety.

  Finally, her voice cracked through the dense, suffocating air.

  “I blamed him for so long, Violet. I knew deep down in my soul that he didn’t know. I could never erase his screams that night—when he’d pleaded for them to let me go. But I clung to the hatred for so long, desperate to keep him from you, fearing it would lead you to the same place as I’d been condemned.”

  Misery stung the back of my throat, and a tear slipped from my eye.

  I could feel her shift to look at me. “I’m sorry for that. For taking him from you. For putting that burden on his shoulders. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time.”

  “That’s not your fault. I just wish you would have relied on one of us. That you would have left with him that morning.”

  She laughed out a wistful, sorrowful sound. “So many nights I’d lie awake and wish it, too. Knowing it was too late. That I couldn’t go back. Over those nights, I slowly forgave him, Violet, slowly realized he was just as much a victim that night as me. Used. Manipulated. He would have given anything for me. I see that now.”

  I glanced at her. “I would have given anything, too.”

  “You gave me exactly what I needed, Violet. Being the best momma that little girl could have. I knew you’d be. All the nights I spent dreaming of her. Loving her. Missing her. And the comfort I had was she had you. That you were her mommy.”

  I gasped around the shards of glass lodged in my throat, and the words wrenched through my tears, “It’s been my absolute honor.”

  We hadn’t talked about her and Daisy yet other than Lily asking a few things about her.

  What she was like.

  Her favorites.

  Her fears.

  I could see the longing swimming in her forlorn eyes.

  I’d known it was coming.

  Her head shook, and she bit down on her trembling bottom lip. “You know…I imagined what it might be like. When Richard found me, when he gave me a hope I’d long since stopped hoping
for, when he’d promised he was going to get me out of there, I’d imagined coming back here, imagined what it would feel like to be her mother. To be reunited with this vacancy that has lived inside of me. But I know, Violet…I know looking at you two…hell, I knew from the second I saw you when David pulled you through that door. I knew that little girl was yours. Through and through. Wholly. And I would never steal that from you, and I would never steal that from her.”

  “Lily.” It was a wheeze. A haggard breath of disbelief.

  She squeezed my hand. “I mean it. This isn’t me taking the high road. This is me loving my child the best way that I can.”

  “She knows she didn’t grow of me, Lily. Ever since she was a baby, I told her about my sister who loved her so much that she wanted to share her with me.”

  I knew we’d have much more serious talks as she got older. But I’d needed Daisy to understand the love I was certain my sister had for her even though I didn’t know why she’d abandoned her.

  Before I’d understood it’d been forced.

  A tear streaked down her cheek. It glinted and glimmered in the last brilliant rays of the day.

  “She’s our heart, Violet. And I won’t split her little heart in two. I’m going to be right here. Loving her as her aunt. As long as that’s okay with you?”

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  Sniffling, she nodded. “I am.”

  I looked at her through bleary eyes. “I missed you. Missed you so much.”

  “I missed you, too.”

  Lily grinned.

  The tiniest flash of mischief in her eyes as she reached over and tugged at a lock of my hair.

  “Hey,” I cried, laughing through the tears.

  “Tell me you’re not still an old fuddy-duddy.”

  “Fuddy-duddy? I’m pretty sure it’s you we need to be worried about.”

  I grinned.

  She smiled.

  Soft and full of adoration. She sniffled and stood, looking at Richard who was pushing Daisy high. “She couldn’t ask for better parents.”

  I gave her a fumbling nod of understanding.

  She reached out. “Come on, no more crying. I’m ready to live.”

  I let her help me to standing. I hugged her tight. Held on for dear life. “I can’t wait to see it.”

  She nodded, squeezing tighter before she stepped back and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. Then she turned to the beautiful sight that glowed beneath the rising moon. “Hey, Daisy. Why don’t you come with Auntie Lily and color a picture for Nana with me? I think she needs another one for her wall, don’t you?”